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Old 09-07-2008, 07:04 AM   #1
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Adding insult to injury

Hello all, new member here.

My ex partner ended our relationship in June '07 and I had a real problem getting over it as we had a mutual set of friends and were both involved in the same theatre group. She told me she wanted us to be friends and after taking a break from the theatre group I went back earlier this year and tried to make a go of it. As time went on it became increasingly obvious to me that things weren't right with her and I tried to talk to her about it but she refused to discuss it.

I had been making an effort to be as respectful to her as possible and also keep my dignity even though it was obvious that something wasn't right, she was always cagey and guarded with me but fine with everyone else. It also became apparent that whatever friendship we might have had to be on her terms and that the boundaries had changed although she hadn't told me. It was if she expected me to know how things were without her telling me.
I was getting to the point of leaving the theatre group indefinitely to get some professional help to sort my head out when I discovered very publicly and to my utter horror that she had begun an illicit affair with a married man in the group! It was at a friend's birthday party and they arrived together, sat together and were openly tactile with each other in full view of me(and others) at the table! I felt extremely humiliated and disrespected and needless to say I left the party shortly afterwards and I haven't seen or heard from her since. I also left the theatre group at the same time. It's been difficult as we had a mutual set of friends and I have to make sure she's not going to be around if I'm invited to things.

I sent her a long email getting everything off my chest that I'd been bottling up for months although I made a great deal of effort to keep it as dignified as possible as opposed to an angry vitriolic rant. I read it to a friend of mine when I'd written it and she told me I should send it so I did. I didn't get a reply and I found out about ten days later that my ex was absolutely furious about it and showed it to her best friend who told her not to reply.

I really don't understand what right she had to be furious and she obviously failed to realise that I was also furious and I believe had every right to say the things I did. Anyway the whole of the past 15 months or so have made me question my self worth and esteem which is why I decided to get some psychotherapy to sort my head out and get some closure. That starts later this month and I can't wait to get started cos I'm sick of feeling so low.

The affair is still going on and from what I hear they are being quite open about it which has shocked a lot of people in the theatre group and also made everyone very uncomfortable to the point of someone considering talking to the vice chairwoman on the committee and making them aware of the situation. The depth of feeling about this is rapidly growing in the group and it's reassuring for me to know that so many feel the same. I've heard comments like 'disgusted', 'beggars belief', appalled' etc etc.

I'm especially appalled at my ex as her first marriage ended because her husband had an affair and got a girl pregnant so she knows full well what it's like to be on the receiving end of what she's now doing herself! On top of that she told me how badly it affected her which is why she doesn't show her feelings much any more and would rather paint on a smile and pretend everything's fine. She's very good at 'hiding her head in the sand' as it were hoping that problems will go away instead of dealing with them. A lot of people have said that and it seems she's in some sort of denial about how this affair is affecting people.

I hope something is said to them soon because it bothers me that it's also affecting people I care about as well as myself.

Anyway, on to the positives! I'm now involved with two other theatre groups and I've just started playing in a new band so things are looking up. My therapy starts soon and I've also got my 40th Birthday coming up so hopefully I'll be starting my life all over again

I don't think I'll ever get any sort of apology from her for what she's done and I'm beginning to resign myself to that fact. My therapy will be geared towards helping me let go of the way she's made me feel and building my confidence and self esteem. It's unlikely I'll go back to that theatre group but I won't say never. I've still got some very dear friends from it who I'm still in touch with.

I'll keep u posted.

 
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Old 09-07-2008, 07:19 AM   #2
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Re: Adding insult to injury

Well, with all due respect, jc, I'm not really sure what you think she has to apologize for. She didn't cheat on you with this guy, right? She started this affair after she had broken up with you, right? Who she dates and what she does behind closed doors stopped being your business the moment the two of you broke up. she's being foolish and unethical to a large degree, but it's not a slap in the face to you. This guy's wife is the real victim in this saga.

But as her friend, it's your job to be there with caring, gentle advice without judgment and be there to pick up the pieces when it all comes crashing down. But it seems your feelings for her were too strong for you to have just been friends with her. I don't really think she owes you an apology for sleeping with someone you don't approve of, since she doesn't require your approval, but perhaps she was insensitive to not only you but to the entire theatre group in how she flaunted the affair.

Break ups are hard, and trying to stay friends with someone you still have feelings for is even harder. It's tough, but all you can do is let her live her life the way she chooses and move on with yours. What she does is no longer any of your business. Hopefully counseling can help you sort all this out. I had a really bad break up a long time ago too and counseling did help me to heal some of the damage it caused. Good luck.

 
Old 09-07-2008, 08:07 AM   #3
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Re: Adding insult to injury

Thanks for the reply, to be honest with you I'll be the last person she turns to if it all goes wrong because we're not exactly friends now anyway. I don't dispute that what she does is her business but the affair should be nobody's business I agree but the fact that they've flaunted it so publicly has caused a lot of bad feeling and others who were present at the time when I found out have told me that they were as appalled and shocked as I was. I feel really sorry for his wife too, but what makes this so bad is that he brought her to a recent wedding reception(which I didn't go to as a result of all this) knowing full well that the majority of the people there knew what he was doing behind her back and they had to pretend everything was fine. To top it off he then took his wife home, made up a story that something had come up at work and went back to the reception to be with my ex! She doesn't have to apologise for moving on with her life, I would just like one for her being so insensitive for letting me find out the humiliating way I did after I'd been so respectful to her.

Last edited by xxjccxx; 09-07-2008 at 08:44 AM.

 
Old 09-07-2008, 09:19 AM   #4
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Re: Adding insult to injury

yes, it would be a much, much nicer, more palatable world to live in if everyone apologized for all the slights and wrongs they do to other people, and if we all got the apologies we are entitled to. But we can't put our lives on hold for them. It's just a sad fact that people very rarely make amends for the wrongs they do. It's almost become chic and hip these days to not take responsibility for the wrongs and harms you've done to other people.

This guy is a loser, and seems as if he almost wants to get caught. Maybe he just doesn't have he guts to leave his wife and is just hoping she will find out and leave him. Rather cowardly, but you don't need to get involved in this mess. If he treats his wife so disrespectfully, no doubt it's only a matter of time before he treats your ex the same way. She'll just have to learn that lesson on her own.

Don't hold your breath for that apology. Just do your best to move on with your life, your lessons learned.

 
Old 09-07-2008, 10:00 AM   #5
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Re: Adding insult to injury

Trust me I'm not holding my breath for anything from her, and I do hope she'll learn her lesson as you say. I'm just concentrating on myself now and hopefully maybe a few months down the line I'll feel completely different.

 
Old 09-07-2008, 05:07 PM   #6
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Re: Adding insult to injury

I too, was wondering why you feel she owes you an apology since you have been broken up since June 2007. I think this is unrealistic of you. This woman is hurting no one but herself, and this mans poor wife. As far as the other people being "appalled" at what they have seen, maybe it would be wise to just remove themselves from these two peoples presence when this kind of thing is going on.

I have always had strong opinions on getting involved in other peoples lives, and I believe you are stepping into something that does not concern you. You have done the best thing you could do for yourself....you are getting outside help and you have removed yourself from the scene. Now, you need to work on letting this go.

You aren't this girls father. Let her make her own mistakes, and worry about your own troubles.

Mileena

 
Old 09-07-2008, 06:35 PM   #7
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Re: Adding insult to injury

I think therapy is a good idea. I don't understand, and I think most people would agree, how a subsequent relationship of your ex you believe humiliates you or causes your self esteem to drop drastically. As she is proving to you, she has moved on, and the relationships she moves on to, have nothing to do with you - I doubt she has a hidden agenda to make you look a certain way with her choice of partner. I doubt she asked "which guy can I sleep with that will make my ex look the worst?". even if she did, HOW does a married guy or whatever make YOU look bad??? I don't get it.

You admit you indirectly feel sorry for his wife, but your main concern of this relationship is how its making you look.

If you don't go to social engagements where she may be at, and make your friends act as scouts to find out if she will be there or not (which gets old fast btw), frankly, thats your problem and not hers. its all in your head. you are losing some friends because of your awkwardness and hang-ups. you cannot blame her for you missing out on life (and if you do - which you hinted at, I think thats another good reason for therapy).

If everyone else is appalled, let them deal with her. Bringing her personal life up to the chair of her group seems extreme. If she's doing a good job, whose business is it what she is doing in her personal life? It sounds like kids on the playground who cry because "life's not fair". But you people are in your 40's??? As you get older, you are supposed to do whats right for you, not to please others. And yes, maybe its not her finest moment, but she is her own person with her own authority.

and you seem to focused on a lot of other people - you got 'approval' from your friend to send the letter, you hear about her life, you hear about how other people view her actions - you may be a bit too concerned with other poeple's drama while letting your own life slip through your fingers.

You don't understand why she is furious about your letter? well hard to say, b/c you didn't post it - but I'm sure it very judgmental and all about you, which would make ME very angry. I would be thinking "who the H*** does this guy think he is?!" Personally, it sounds like she's adjusted to the break up and you haven't.

I also don't believe you had a right to send her that letter. Sorry to say, but you sound like a possessive trouble-maker.

Last edited by jozi209; 09-07-2008 at 06:46 PM.

 
Old 09-07-2008, 07:30 PM   #8
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Re: Adding insult to injury

I am glad to hear that you are seeking psychological help since what she does is none of your business it is also none of your business that she is having a relationship with whomever she wants to ...married or not. She also doesn't owe you any kind of apology or an answer to your email. Gossiping about her to others and trying to stir up support for your nonsense is also uncalled for. Leave her alone and let her have fun. I am very happy you are getting help.

 
Old 09-08-2008, 06:28 AM   #9
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Re: Adding insult to injury

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mileena42 View Post
I too, was wondering why you feel she owes you an apology since you have been broken up since June 2007. I think this is unrealistic of you. This woman is hurting no one but herself, and this mans poor wife. As far as the other people being "appalled" at what they have seen, maybe it would be wise to just remove themselves from these two peoples presence when this kind of thing is going on.

I have always had strong opinions on getting involved in other peoples lives, and I believe you are stepping into something that does not concern you. You have done the best thing you could do for yourself....you are getting outside help and you have removed yourself from the scene. Now, you need to work on letting this go.

You aren't this girls father. Let her make her own mistakes, and worry about your own troubles.

Mileena
I really have to agree with this post. As much as what your ex is doing may "hurt" or "disgust" you or really is none of your business. The only way you would even have a right to be hurt or want an appology is if she were having this affair when you were still together, which doesn't seem to be the case.

As hard as it may be, I think you need to permanently remove yourself from this woman's life which may include certain theater groups or friends. You have to let her make her mistakes and deal with the consiquences. I think it is good that you are seeking therapy as I think your self esteem could use it. You have to remember that her actions now have nothing to do with you or the relationship you shared.

Do what you can to move on in YOUR life. Join other groups, make other friends, etc.. Worry about you and let her go.

 
Old 09-08-2008, 06:55 AM   #10
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Re: Adding insult to injury

I don't think I've made myself very clear, I've absolutely no interest in how this relationship of hers is 'making me look' and I don't feel any responsibility for her actions or his. I don't want or need anything from her and I'm sure they'll both find out the hard way how foolish they're being. It bothers me that is affecting people I care about and yes, it is up to them to speak up about it. I am completely distancing myself from the whole thing and I have no intention of 'stepping in' to it. If my ex and this idiot want to carry on making asses of themselves let them, it's their downfall. I left the group a couple of months ago and I'm so glad I did but I still have friends there and I most certainly haven't lost any because of this. I wouldn't dream of making my friends 'scouts' as you put it as that would be very unfair of me and they care enough to know what or what not to tell me. I'm making a real effort to move on with my life and just for the record my self esteem and confidence issues go back much further than the last year or so which is why I'm getting professional help to sort everything out, not just the relationship stuff.

 
Old 09-08-2008, 07:10 PM   #11
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Re: Adding insult to injury

Jc,

Please go back and read your first post. Read it carefully. How can you now say that these things don't concern you? You brought it up. YOU are in denial because you didn't get the answers/symphathy you were looking for.

Now, I am in no way trying to be harsh or rude. You stated that you felt this woman owed you an apology. Now, you are admitting it isn't a concern for you. An apology would mean (to me) that you felt you had been wronged....as a matter of fact, your entire original post had the air of YOU being wronged.

This is why you got the responses you did....because you need to understand that this woman doing what she is doing.....is simply NONE of your business.

It really concerns me that now you are denying, when the post is still posted and readable???? I am confused. What is it you want to happen here? Do you want those of us here to say...."OH yes, she needs to tell you how sorry she is...!" Good advice isn't always what we want to hear. I am sorry this wasn't for you. I stand by my post.

Mileena

Last edited by Mileena42; 09-08-2008 at 07:11 PM.

 
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