hi everyone, I haven't yet posted on this board, but I really need some input. Actually, I think I just need a sympathetic ear (or eye in this case). Okay, I have been with my boyfriend for 7.5 years, and last year we bought a 2-flat because my parents are both very ill and unable to completely care for themselves. Well, in the last year, my boyfriend has become very hostile towards me, to the point that he has verbally abused me and threatened me physically. The thing is, I never thought I would be in this situation - it sounds silly, but I am a successful attorney and I have always been one of those strong independent women, etc. But now, I am financially tied to this man, and have the added burden of caring for my parents. (my siblings don't help, but that story is for another time). Anyway, today, i picked up my cell phone and noticed I had a new text message so i clicked 'read'. Well, it was a picture sent by some girl to my BF saying 'this is for you superman'.... well, my BF and I have the exact same phone, and yes, it was his phone i picked up. Right or wrong, I went through the rest of the messages and lo and behold there were 7 more messages from this girl, with pictures of her in various stages of undress. The number was also programmed into his phone. So, before i left for the office, i left his phone open with a note saying that 'this explains alot' and i haven't seen him since i got home. (he is working tonight).
okay this is getting really long, but there is more if anyone cares to let me vent.....
I am sorry to hear of your troubles! These types of issues are so sad and I can only wish you the best...
7.5 years is a long time to be w/someone. I was dating a guy for about the same amount of time and 4 months before our wedding he walked away...
said he did not love me the way I loved him and that out relationship was not normal. Gosh, I hate to even think about being in that place again. It has been over 8 years and I am still so very hurt.
He was going to a strip club and I think he was emailing other girls for the last 6 months we were still together! I found a tape of music w/ a personal message in his truck right after he broke up w/ me. I really thought I knew him. He also left me totally broke/ he used my credit, I know stupid of me, but I was so young! We even met @ church!!!!
If they could just be honest and either leave or treat us better before we find out what is really going on!
Please keep us posted. I just wanted you to know someone else out there understands. Please take care!
I am so sorry to read your post. And, I think you do need to vent, so go ahead. We are here to support you.
I can't tell you what to do, but your relationship sounds very unhealthy. Be happy that you are not married to the man or have children with him. You say you are financially tied to him. Can you buy him out? I understand that you are in an extra stressful situation because of your parents' ill health. But, you are a professional woman and successful and that means a lot. I can't see any good reason for you to stay with your bf considering what you have written in your post. He is abusive and he seems to be cheating. Financial ties is not a good enough reason, in my opinion, to continue this relationship. Down the road you'll meet someone who'll appreciate you, if you give yourself a chance.
Don't blame yourself for finding yourself in this situation. I have also always been very independent. I am an attorney as well. Unfortunately, my degree is from Europe, so I am not able to practice law in the US. I have for 10 years now been married to a verbal and emotional abuser. We have 2 children together. I am trying to divorce him, but it is not easy for different reasons. I'll be here for you to listen if you need to "talk".
Last edited by negot; 09-07-2008 at 09:05 PM.
Well I can only say that this relationship is over now! Not much else to say but you caught him redhanded. Be aware that he's going to try and lie his way out of it and say that nothing happened...so what, even if all he did was these texts..that's enough to constitute cheating for me...it IS cheating!
You will just have to sell your apartment...that's about your only option unless you want to keep living under the same roof as roommates.
I'm so sorry for your troubles. Not only are you dealing with the stress of your parents (which is a huge undertaking) but now you are dealing with a man who is just plain nasty and disrespectful!
My opinion (and again, I stress, my opinion as it may not be true ), he has been being verbally abusive in a means to push you away. I don't think he was honest with himself of how it would be when you took on your parents and rather than talk to you about it like a man he found himself another woman to escape his woes. Now, rather than be the bad guy leaving you with everything you have going on, he wants to push you away so his hands are clean. Does that make sense?
You have two choices here. 1) You go on the way you have with him being verbally abusive and wonder if it is ever going to turn physical as he threatened. 2) You kick his sorry butt to the curb because nobody should put up with the level of disrespect and abuse as you have. I don't see any other options. It's pretty clear the trust is gone and will probably never be regained. He thinks his treatment of you is okay with is just unacceptable.
I know you weren't asking for help with your parents, but have you looked into assisted living? It's not a "nursing home", but an apartment community where they can have their own apartment and live how they want but there are people there to help if need be and then you can go by and see and help them out as well. Is that even an option given their state of health? I only mention this because my grandparents moved to such a "community" 10 or so years ago when my grandfather was dianosed with emphazema (sp?) and my grandmother was failing in health. They loved having their freedom but also having others their age to interact with without feeling like they were in a nursing home. Again, this is none of my business so you can disregard this whole paragraph, but I thought I would just add that in there. Sorry if I offended you.
But to your topic. You are a well educated woman and you know the situation you find yourself in is not right and potentially dangerous. Look at your situation objectively and think, "what would I tell my bestfriend if she were in this situation?". I think you have your answer. Everything else will work out in the end, but you have to put you, your health, your sanity, and your safety first.
I'm sorry, but I guess you've discovered that this guy just isn't worth it, and isn't what he claimed to be. You're a smart successful woman.....you know what you need to do......talk to some of your attorney friends and figure out a plan to protect your investment and kick this loser out of your life.......
Thank you all for your responses. It helps sometimes to just vent! Well, to continue the sordid tale, yesterday I called the girl who sent the pictures. (maybe I shouldn't have, but I did). I asked her if she were the one sending the pictures, and at first she denied even knowing him! Well, I let her know that I am not calling and blaming her or accusing her because it isn't really her fault, but I need to know what is going on. She stated then that they were friends, and she accidently sent the pictures to him because his number is similar to some guy's she is seeing. Sure, accidently SIX times? Anyway, later in the evening, I got a message from my BF stating that there is a reasonable explanation, etc. (he was working - he is a cop.) When he got off work, he said that he never did anything with her, but this girl has been after him and she works for the village as well, but he was never interested in her blah blah blah. Then he apologizes for treating me so poorly lately, and that he will do better. I obviously didn't believe him in the least.
As for my parents, I have no idea how to even begin to address THAT situation! I guess I have to take baby steps.
And didn't you say that her number is in his contacts? Yes I went back and read it's programmed in his phone so sorry Charlie, he's lying like a dog!!!!! Just like I said he would! Could it be that she's married or in a relationship too and they are both covering for eachother?
he's a liar......not to stereotype, but this is exactly one of the reasons I won't date cops......they're notorious for cheating......
from what I've heard.....I'm sure they're not all like that before anyone gets on me.....but cops are off limits for me.
BeaTrade, I knew immediately that he was lying to me - why would he program her number in his phone if there wasn't something going on? Why would she have his number in the first place? also, he tried to text her back AND he called her! I am so hurt and angry, especially since this guy has been treating me so badly the last year.
Rosequartz, when I started dating him, he was not a cop. He has been a cop now for 3 years, and I definitely saw changes. He is not the same person that I started dating, and I can tell you that I would NEVER go for another cop again. Not to stereotype, but this has not been a pleasant experience. There are alot of women that throw themselves at cops - i guess the whole guy in uniform thing - so I guess there is alot of temptation for them.
okay, I am sorry for all your pain...however, I believe he is just lying...lying lying. I hate it when they lie. It proves what they are...what they are about and what they will do again and again and again. Honey, just walk away.
I believe Rose.....I've heard as well that cops are notorious for cheating.
I was cheated on and his horrible behavior toward you (I mean his changing completely over the past few months) is a tell tale sign of a liar. He was emotionally distancing himself from you and he resents you because you are standing between him and his bimbo. She is lying too........so just walk away. I am srue he will come after you but walk and don't let him do this.
You are a successful woman......let him go and kick him to the curb...where he belongs. Date someone of your own caliber.
It is really difficult to be in a situation where you feel financially tied to someone. I, like you, am successful in my field and do quite well but because of the myriad problems with my ex-husband, we had accumulated a large amount of debt. He was emotionally abusive and was for many years. I felt silly because I am a strong, generally independent woman and I couldn't understand why I was putting up with it. Finally, I had to take the plunge. I left him and took the debt with me so that he would not contest (not only did I have financial ties but he was a foreign-national, so I was afraid I would have to pay him some kind of alimony). It is tough times for me right now but I am so incredibly happy to be divorced. I do not have the parents to take care of but I imagine if I did, I would have taken the debt even further as I had to do what I had to do. For my own sanity.
You are a bright woman, you know that it isn't right to be involved with a cheating man, especially one that is abusive. Take care of yourself first! Worry about finances and other things later -- if you don't take care of yourself now, you will not be able to tend to your parents and things will only continue to get worse.
Happymom, I feel like I am a deer in the headlights right now. I know what I NEED to do, but I just don't know how to do it without jeopardizing my financial future and the future of my parents who are now relying on me. I can't sell the house right now, and I can't refinance it and quitclaim him off the deed at the moment, so I really feel stuck. I think that I have to start taking baby steps to extricate myself as painlessly as possible. And as far as that little skank that he claims he hasn't done anything with, well she can have him. I just want to do this the right way I guess. I just wish that he did this a year ago, then it would have been so much easier to just get out of this situation!
I will admit that part of me loves him, but not the person he has become - I miss the man that I initially fell in love with, but if he can do this to me then I guess that guy never existed at all.
In some way he did you a favor by cheating on you, as bizarre as it sounds. This should make it easier to make a decision to walk away. When someone is emotionally abusive, especially like in your case, he initially wasn't abusive, you keep hoping he will change. Cheating takes the whole thing into a different category, it is more cut and dry. I agree with the poster who said that you should pick somebody on your own level. You don't need an abuser and a cheater. A man like that can only drag you down in every way.
I think you are right Negot. You know what is the weirdest thing though? What hurts the most right now is not even that he 'cheated' - it is that after spending all this time being hostile, and verbally abusive to ME and blaming his stress for that, he has taken the time to court this other girl. So, the fact that he was NICE to HER makes me more angry than the fact that he was physically involved with her! Boy, that is kind of a weird way to feel, but I can't help it.
is he home/coming home? If so, is he continually telling you the lies? If so, start by (1) making sure you don't sleep with him (put him on the couch, on an air matress..or whtever), just not with you.
(2) don't talk or say anything until you process it. Just look him in the eye and not a word. Liar. Silence kills.
(3) Go see a counselor/priest/or whatever. Take care of yourself, eat and try to rest and watch out for your parents.
(4) talk to your friends. Their support will help you.
Pugmom, it is not at all weird to feel the way you feel. I actually feel very similar. My husband has been rude and emotionally abusive to me for most of our 10 year marriage. But, that's not what hurts the most. What is most painful to me is how nice he is to everybody else, especially to his family who is never there for him and barely knows his kids' names. He is always very respectful to them and has never lost control with his sister or anybody else no matter what they say or do to him, but with me he has been very quick to "lose it" and be rude and put me down.
I completely understand why you feel this way. Try not to give him more time than you have to by thinking about this. Do yourself a big favor and try to move on with your life without him. You probably will have to grieve some since you have spent a long time with him, but try not to waste time on him, even in your thoughts. Try to look ahead and think of your future as much as you can. I am glad for your sake that you happened to pick up his phone and discovered his deceit instead of uncovering it years from now and wasting precious time with somebody who doesn't deserve you.
You can pretty well figure that when he started being angry toward you is when the affair started. What sux is wasting so many years! I know exactly how you feel about missing who he was! That's the hardest thing to overcome when you break up. You can hate who he is but in the long run you keep going back to missing the love you once shared and being confused as to where that love went. Then there's the fear of starting over.
I also wanted to add that the way you are feeling is not weird at all!(as negot says) After my divorce, I analyzed and twisted things and thought about the most off the wall things to cry about and scream about that anyone would probably have thought I was loco!!!!! But it's just normal! One of the things that made me the angriest is that early on in our marriage, he had a "one night stand" (so I was told) but later on when we started to have problems(many many years later) he admitted to me that he had a long running affair with that woman and was fixing to divorce me but he decided to stay with me instead. To me, my entire marriage was a big fat lie! All those years he lied to me and made me believe that it was a dumb stupid one time mistake...oh how I hate him for those lies...24 years of a lie!
he is coming home, but he has worked "late" alot. He said that he would show me his reports to prove that he is really working when he said he is, but the point (at least to me) is that even if he didn't touch this other girl YET, there is obviously something going on if she is sending him half naked photos of herself AND he has contacted her back. If they haven't done anything yet, they are sure on their way to doing so!