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Old 09-08-2008, 06:42 PM   #1
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Mixed Signals...please help

Ok...I am 22..he is 26 just for a little background:

We both started seeing each other with the expectation of it just being a fun thing..but as we began seeing each other every weekend and talking more both said we really liked each other. Everything was going really well, though we never put anything "official" down like girlfriend/boyfriend we just refer to each other as "seeing each other"

Anyways we live an hour from each other and now normally see each other every other weekend or sometimes go a little longer. We normally only hang out 1 night of the weekend. Neither of us are really talk about your feelings people so we haven't made any mention of how we feel about each other in months. We only talk on the phone sometimes and text just a few times per week.

When we are on the phone...everything is great...when we see each other everything feels great.. But I get really mixed signals. Though he does start conversations some of the time...i always ask him if he wants to see each other now..its like he kind of assumes if i want to hang out I will say something now or something. Also I am the one that has been initiating phone calls (1 per week)...he almost always answers and if he doesn't he always calls back..and we always end up talking for a while and i'm not the one carrying the conversation either.

I guess my question is as follows: We are not officially "boyfriend/girlfriend" but we've been seeing each other 4 months...do you tell the girl after that long if you are no longer interested? If she calls you and you aren't interested do you talk for a long time and tell her personal things like about a friend that died?

P.S. I have done the thing there I wait for him to contact me and he has eventually each time I have tried

 
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Old 09-08-2008, 06:59 PM   #2
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Re: Mixed Signals...please help

Hmmmm he must be wanting to take things really slow, OR he has someone that he sees more regular. Are you sure you are the only lady he is seeing? Could it be that he works long hours and doesn't have a lot of time?

The reason I am asking these things is because a man will usually actively pursue a woman he is really into. He doesn't seem to be doing that. Returning your call isn't good enough. When you wait to see how long before he phones....how much time goes by? Maybe he doesn't want a serious relationship now, but only uses you for occasional company.

If you are satisfied with letting this ride, and it doesn't bother you, then go with the flow, if you are looking for a more committed relationship, I would suggest you let this go and find someone who is willing to give you the attention a relatively "new" girlfriend would expect.

Mileena

 
Old 09-09-2008, 07:16 AM   #3
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Re: Mixed Signals...please help

I don't really see how it is mixed siganls. You both agreed in the beginning that it was "just for fun". That is what he is doing, having fun. If he wanted something more serious he would tell you because he wouldn't want to run the risk of you finding someone else. Usually when you start a "relationship" as a FWB (friends with benefits) it's nearly impossible to become anything more.

If you have feelings for him I suggest you talk to him. Tell him straight out how you feel. This way you will know either way where you stand. Once you know where his head it you can chose where to go from there. If I were you (and I have been at one time) I would just ask him. The worst thing he can say is he doesn't feel the same way, but at least you won't be wondering or holding out hope on being with him, right?

 
Old 09-09-2008, 07:35 AM   #4
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Re: Mixed Signals...please help

Yeah, I don't really see the mixed signals, either. He likes you, but likes things the way they are. If he wanted it to be more serious, he'd show you. It could be he's waiting for you tomake a move since you both agreed to just "have fun." I'd say if the "just having fun" arrangement isn't working for you anymore, then you need to ask him how he feels, is he exclusive, does he wnat to be, etc. You could risk chasing him away, but that's why you need to make sure you really WANT to bump it up a notch or cut and run. If you like the way things are now, free and casual, then why worry about it?

 
Old 09-09-2008, 09:25 AM   #5
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Re: Mixed Signals...please help

Thank you so much for your responses. I have posted this same question on some other forums and no one seems to be giving me any input at all. What I would really like is to talk with someone over instant messaging about this as to kind of give the whole story that would be WAY to long of a thread.

I do like how things are now..I wouldn't mind trying something more if he brought it up. This may sound a little silly but what really worries me about the situation is how it will end. I know that sounds very pessimistic and I am enjoying my time with him but when you are "official" with someone..it normally means there is an "official" end point..and even though we are not defined...I still would want something said even if it is just something like "I don't think we should see each other anymore." I would just hate to be left hanging, do you guys know what I mean? So I think that is the root of my worrying really...the wondering of if we are going to see each other again.

I must sound very insecure..and in this situation it is how I feel. I really appreciate being able to be honest on this forum and I would appreciate as many responses as possible. I guess the modified question is...do you think something would be said to actually end a fun kind of relationship?

Last edited by Cassiopia; 09-09-2008 at 09:35 AM.

 
Old 09-09-2008, 09:42 AM   #6
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Re: Mixed Signals...please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mileena42 View Post
Hmmmm he must be wanting to take things really slow, OR he has someone that he sees more regular. Are you sure you are the only lady he is seeing? Could it be that he works long hours and doesn't have a lot of time?

The reason I am asking these things is because a man will usually actively pursue a woman he is really into. He doesn't seem to be doing that. Returning your call isn't good enough. When you wait to see how long before he phones....how much time goes by? Maybe he doesn't want a serious relationship now, but only uses you for occasional company.

If you are satisfied with letting this ride, and it doesn't bother you, then go with the flow, if you are looking for a more committed relationship, I would suggest you let this go and find someone who is willing to give you the attention a relatively "new" girlfriend would expect.

Mileena
Well..we live an hour from each other which is why we don't see each other more often. We both work all week so we only see each other normally every other weekend. When we began seeing each other it was EVERY single weekend for about a month and a half so I know he was not seeing anyone else during that time. When both of us became busy with other commitments and started the every other weekend thing we normally talk once or twice on the off weekends and he always tells me his plans.

I did flat out ask him one time if he was sleeping with anyone else or had he at all in the time we had been seeing each other and he was very surprised at my question. He said no he hadn't been and wanted to know if i had..which I hadn't either. He lives in kind of a remote area and there doesn't really seem to be too much to do out there really...He is actually kind of a homebody.

When I think of things this way I don't understand why I worry. During another conversation of ours I asked if he would tell me if he didn't want to see each other anymore and he said he would say something to me. We talked about it a long time ago...and I don't know why the answer is not satisfying to me and why I am still worried about it....

 
Old 09-09-2008, 09:48 AM   #7
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Re: Mixed Signals...please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
I don't really see how it is mixed siganls. You both agreed in the beginning that it was "just for fun". That is what he is doing, having fun. If he wanted something more serious he would tell you because he wouldn't want to run the risk of you finding someone else. Usually when you start a "relationship" as a FWB (friends with benefits) it's nearly impossible to become anything more.

If you have feelings for him I suggest you talk to him. Tell him straight out how you feel. This way you will know either way where you stand. Once you know where his head it you can chose where to go from there. If I were you (and I have been at one time) I would just ask him. The worst thing he can say is he doesn't feel the same way, but at least you won't be wondering or holding out hope on being with him, right?
After we had been hanging out for about a month and a half both of us had really started to like each other...he actually is the one that confessed this first. So there was a time we had told each other how we felt about each other.

Yes I agree with you, I need to say something to him because obviously it is bothering me. I would just really like it to be in person. This past weekend was our "off" weekend and he had it really rough...a good friend of his found out she has cervical cancer, and his boss of 4 years was just killed in an accident. He told me he is really upset and his boss's funeral service is this Thursday so I don't know if it would be a good idea to see if he wants to hang out this weekend so hopefully it will be next...

 
Old 09-09-2008, 09:51 AM   #8
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Re: Mixed Signals...please help

Well, yes, I think it's only fair, decent, honest and courteous to officially end things rather than just disappear and leave the other person hanging. But that happens in commited, exclusive, long term relationships, too. It seems like you are trying to conduct your love life in a manner that will allow you to escape a broken heart or pain. And well, I'm afraid that's really impossible. Love equals risk. Anytime you put your heart on the line, you are running the risk that the other person will stomp on it. and it seems your heart is on the line here, as much as you are trying to keep it off the line. You have become emotionally invested. Otherwise you wouldn't care about any of this stuff.

You say you like the way things are, but wouldn't mind more. Well, I'm not sure I understand that. I always thought it was a more either/or proposition. You either know this guy is not the guy you will end up with and are just "having fun" for now (I always put "having fun" in quotes because I feel "having fun" is just what people call "using each other for casual sex" these days) or you have real feelings for him that you want to explore further. And if that's the case, you are kidding yoruself if you think you can be alright with a basic, just "having fun" friends with bennies kind of deal. The question here isn't really what he's really thinking, what do his actions mean, would he do this or that, or whatever. The real question here is, what do you want? I think you need to sit down and do some real soul searching. If YOU like the way things are now, then why mess with it? Just enjoy it for as long as it lasts, and when it runs its course, it ends, and it ends however it's going to end. Hopefully you know him enough to know that he's a decent guy and will be honest and respectful to you, but there's no guarantee of that, either. But if he isn't, you still have to find a way to be ok with however it ends. And if you decide you do want to pursue more, then you need to stop wondering what's in his head and just tell him what's in yours. If he agrees and wants more with you too, great. If he bolts, oh well. He would have ended up breaking your heart anyway. Better to know sooner than later. But what do YOU really want out of this? that's where you need to start.

 
Old 09-09-2008, 11:16 AM   #9
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Re: Mixed Signals...please help

LarryLou's Mom:

Wow....I think you are absolutely right, no one has ever said it so clear before. I think I want more and I need to tell him. I want to see him so I am going to have to tell him that too. I think I have just been waiting and waiting and trying to figure things out before they happen so i am not surprised or something. But you reminded me that no matter when I am never going to know what is in this guy's head unless I ask him. Hopefully I will get to see him again soon! I will keep you guys updated and if anyone else has any other comments please tell me!

 
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