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Old 09-09-2008, 01:57 AM   #1
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all I can think about is my lie to my ex; i didn't sleep with anyone else.

Hi guys, it is me again.

I have another situation and would like to get your advice. As most of you know (from my posts) the "new guy" stopped calling.....anyways I am okay about the situation and happy that I hopefully get to meet someone better....

BUT the other night my ex and I had to work together at the hospital. I don't speak to him unless he speaks to me b/c I never know how he is going to react to me....well the other night he was nice...he offered me half of his cake (he always used to share his food with me while we were at work) and he was chatting with me about random things....I hesitantly responding to him, but at least we were getting along for the time being. WELL long story short, I had sex with him. It felt really nice to be around him, I did miss him, but sex isn't just sex for me. in other words there is a whole lot of emotion involved especially when it comes to he and I. During sex he asked me who else I have been sleeping with.....I once again hesitated and told him nobody.

For the last couple of days all I can think about is my lie. I am working on always being honest and i want to do the right thing. I emailed him a couple of mins ago and asked him if we could talk, b.c i had something to tell him.

But there is a couple of problems:

A) I think he is controlling. if i tell him the truth he will make me feel like i have done something terribly wrong by sleeping with someone else. He will actually manipulate me by saying something like 'you are lier; nothing has changed; typical you...Linds is going to do what Linds always does.....' I have heard these things from him on more than one occasion.

B) I don't know if I should even bother telling him b/c I am not committed to him. He and I are not in a relationship......but maybe I should just in case we ever get back together....i don't want to start a relationship with lies.....

I don't know guys, what do you think? My morals say tell him...you love him and you want to be honest with him. But on the other hand my heart says you have been hurt enough....he wouldn't tell you....he would turn things around to blame you...have fun and try to forget about him.....

what to do?? what to do??

Last edited by lindsjean; 09-09-2008 at 02:00 AM.

 
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Old 09-09-2008, 03:55 AM   #2
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Re: all I can think about is my lie to my ex; i didn't sleep with anyone else.

There are a hundred reasons why you shouldn't tell him. Here are just a few: He is your EX......it's frankly none of his business. Just because you had sex doesn't mean he is now going to be willing to work on a relationship with you. Another reason: You admitted yourself that you knew he would use this against you should anything else develope.

The fact that he asked during sex is a big red flag. You need to consider why he would take a moment like that to bring up other men? Is he trying to get you to tell him this way because you would feel secure enough at that moment?

Of course, if you want to tell him you will. I can almost promise you that any hopes of a reconcilation with this man (I am assuming that is what you are looking for) would go right out the window. It sounds like he is looking for an excuse for NOT seeing you. I haven't read any of your other post, so I am not sure what is going on with the both of you, but my vote has always been not to tell.

Mileena

Last edited by Mileena42; 09-09-2008 at 03:56 AM.

 
Old 09-09-2008, 04:04 AM   #3
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Re: all I can think about is my lie to my ex; i didn't sleep with anyone else.

Right, it is none of his business - in fact, he was out of line asking you this. Do not tell him, he is your ex for a reason. You will never hear the end of it. Move on from this man, as you were doing quite nicely. You don't need all that stuff in your head again. Sera

 
Old 09-09-2008, 04:19 AM   #4
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Re: all I can think about is my lie to my ex; i didn't sleep with anyone else.

i agree with the others, dont tell him. if has nothing to do with him. even if you were to get back together it's still none of his business as you had sex with this man when you were single. just like what he has done has nothing to do with you.

 
Old 09-09-2008, 04:24 AM   #5
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Re: all I can think about is my lie to my ex; i didn't sleep with anyone else.

I agree with the other posters. That was a very inadequate and inelegant question, to begin with. During sex? He should have known better. If you had told the truth, that would have been like a cold shower, right? Yes, I also agree that he is very controlling. To me, it looks like he wants to enjoy exclusive use of you, if you see what I mean. Don't allow this. Actually, I don't think you really missed him; what you missed was intimacy. I wouldn't say anything; that was a white (and necessary for that matter) lie, anyway. Unless he has the courage to ask you again, not during sex, of course. But then again if he is shameless enough to ask you again, I would tell him the whole and necessary truth, beginning with this: "It is over between you and me." My opinion...

 
Old 09-09-2008, 06:34 AM   #6
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Re: all I can think about is my lie to my ex; i didn't sleep with anyone else.

I see no good of coming out of telling him, and I see no good coming out of hoping this will turn into something more. He is still at his core the same person he was before, and so are you, and nothing has changed enough to make another go at a relationship worth the bother. Use him for sex and let him use you if you think you can be ok with that and want nothing more, but if you think your feelings will get involved, then stop messing with him. It will only head toward disaster. And again, NO, you don't ever need to tell him, especially since you know he will only use it against you. It's none of his business unless you picked up a social disease that he should know about. If you've been tested after your last guy and you were clean, that's all he needs to know.

 
Old 09-09-2008, 07:05 AM   #7
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Re: all I can think about is my lie to my ex; i didn't sleep with anyone else.

I agree, there is no reason to tell him. What was he trying to prove while asking you during sex? Who does that? Has he told you what he has been up to?

Seriously, this may not be what you want to hear, but you need to move on from him. You said yourself he is controlling and he will manipulate so why even have sex with him, especially if sex isn't just sex with you? It's best to keep contact with him strictly professional.

 
Old 09-09-2008, 08:23 AM   #8
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Re: all I can think about is my lie to my ex; i didn't sleep with anyone else.

I wouldn't tell him as it is none of his business what you did while you were single.
He shouldn't have asked you something like that.
I haven't read your previous posts and am not familiar with your relationship with your ex, but it doesn't sound it was a good one. That's why he is your ex. Don't let yourself get hurt again by him.

 
Old 09-09-2008, 04:01 PM   #9
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Re: all I can think about is my lie to my ex; i didn't sleep with anyone else.

Since he is an EX and you're not committed, it is good for a woman to have a secret smile.

I agree with the others....no reason to tell.

 
Old 09-09-2008, 04:50 PM   #10
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Re: all I can think about is my lie to my ex; i didn't sleep with anyone else.

Don't tell him! I made that mistake once and I was in the same situations as you! If you tell him and you guys do get back together he will only hold it as a grudge and throw it back in your face! He will never let it go! and I agree with the others, it's none of his business!

 
Old 09-09-2008, 05:07 PM   #11
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Re: all I can think about is my lie to my ex; i didn't sleep with anyone else.

Thanks everybody for your responses! I have decided not to tell him. You guys are right, it is not his business....I just needed a reminder.

He responded to my "can we talk email" with "r u pregnant"? I responded no and that was that. I am not going to bring that email up again, and I am sure he won't either....

so i was thinking about what you guys wrote and to be honest I don't know if i miss him. As Pendulum mentioned, I just miss intimacy. I really dislike my ex and ALL of his actions; with him it is like walking on egg shells....and I know that no matter what, if i walk on an egg shell, it is GOING to break.

I am trying to let he and I go.......
[/I]

 
Old 09-09-2008, 05:08 PM   #12
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Re: all I can think about is my lie to my ex; i didn't sleep with anyone else.

I honestely dont think you owe him an explanation at all if your no longer together. I kind of have my own policy which not everyone will agree with but an "X" is an "X" for a reason and I think it should stay that way. Do you really want to waste your time on someone who is controlling in the first place? It kind of sounds like this intamate relationship isnt headed towards anything worth fighting for. Men that are controling only get worse as time grows and situations get harder.
Best of luck to you.....find a wonderful guy that you truely deserve. I promise he is out there.

 
Old 09-10-2008, 06:24 AM   #13
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Re: all I can think about is my lie to my ex; i didn't sleep with anyone else.

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
I agree, there is no reason to tell him. What was he trying to prove while asking you during sex? Who does that? Has he told you what he has been up to?

Seriously, this may not be what you want to hear, but you need to move on from him. You said yourself he is controlling and he will manipulate so why even have sex with him, especially if sex isn't just sex with you? It's best to keep contact with him strictly professional.
Those were my exact thoughts!

lindsjean, the more you mess around with him, the more you are complicating things which makes things further away in terms of an emotional life free from him. You don't need someone manipulating and controlling you. You need a healthy relationship -- one that makes you feel good.

 
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