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Old 09-09-2008, 04:04 AM   #1
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I am so mad at her, but still want her friendship

I need to vent for me! Some of you know from past posts that I had an affair, not one that involved sex but the worst kind in my opinion, one from the heart with a love from my past. It all started the Sept. 2006 and she ended it Feb. 2007 I ended up going into severe depression the in Dec 2006. Well now that I have gotten through that and finally off all the drugs for 3 months now, I have my mind back I see things allot differently now. I was told at the hospital that the depression started 6 years ago after a drug treatment for my liver, (Very common with that drug 47% from clinical studies). To make a long story short when she told me she loved me it pushed me over the edge because of guilt of wanting to be with her and me not wanting to leave my children and making sure my wife was in good financial shape. I might not of not found out what was wrong with me and gotten treatment for a few more years if it were not from my contact with her. Well the reason I am mad is that I lost 6 years of my life and her lack of concern of the relationship I have with my children and possibility that her actions might cause me to never be able to get back into my profession again that I have not been able to do for the last 6 years. How can a person love some one and not stand by them when they are ill and knowing what was wrong with me not do just a couple of hours research to try to understand what things she needed to do to help me through that terrible illness. I wish I had never contacted her now, but now that I have I would like for us to be friends, but I think she owes me an apology. I wish I could understand why I have never been able to let her out of my heart. I still would love to just her from her now and then enjoy the way she makes me fill and to hear about her work and kids. She has done other things too that I question now and I will tell them later. Now I am going to work. Indy

 
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Old 09-09-2008, 06:45 AM   #2
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Re: I am so mad at her, but still want her friendship

It's not clear from your post whether you are still married, but I'm going to assume you are. I must say, I think it's rather unfair of you to be mad at her for not standing by you and whatever when you were MARRIED. The second you realized your feelings for her went beyond simple, casual platonic friendship, she should have no longer been in your life at all. Standing by your side and being there for you through your illness is your wife's job, not this woman's, since you already had a wife. Her lack of concern for your relationship with your children could also be construed as her unwillingness to be put on the back burner indefinitely while you use your kids as an excuse to stay in your marriage and not fully commit to a life with her. I'm also not clear on who it's her fault you can't go back to work in your field and such.

But, that having been said, trust me on this, it's a mistake contacting someone in the hopes of getting an apology. I actually did it once, and it was a disaster and my feelings only ended up getting all over again. It's a waste of time. If she felt she had done anything wrong and felt badly about it and cared enough about you to want you to be happy she would have apologized by now. We cna't put life on hold while we wait for the world to make amends to us. No doubt she probably feels you have some apologies to make too, every story has two sides. But that's neither here nor there. Settle your marital issues first. If you want it to work with your wife, forget this other woman and focus 100% on your marriage, improving communication and increasing intimacy. If you don't want your marriage to work, get on with the divorce already and stop using financial security and the kids as a reason to stay stuck where you really don't want to be. Start moving toward the life you really want. When you settle your marital issues, then you will be in a position to find a nice lady who will be there for you, and who will be ABLE to be there for you (not have to tippytoe around a wife) and who you can have in your life in a real way. Good luck.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 09-09-2008 at 10:26 AM.

 
Old 09-09-2008, 07:03 AM   #3
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Re: I am so mad at her, but still want her friendship

Chris - I think you need to be honest with yourself.......is friends really what you would want with her? I don't think this is someone you can be friends with. I'd leave it alone, put it in the past and learn from it. No good can come from continued contact.......

 
Old 09-09-2008, 07:53 AM   #4
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Re: I am so mad at her, but still want her friendship

As far as I am concerned, this post of yours is somewhat obscure. Maybe having read your previous posts might have helped me. Anyway, to me, it seems that you are unduly placing too much blame on this woman, as if she alone were responsible for everything, for those six lost years and your family troubles and illness, etc. If she is really the only culprit, then what would be better for you? To let her alone, to stay away from her, and to move on with your life. You can't force friendship to happen, especially when there is so much resentment from your side. You shouldn't even expect apologizing to happen. If her apologies are so very important for you, then maybe you could start apologizing to her first. This might induce her to apologize in her turn, but you shouldn't have too high hopes, either. There are a couple of inconsistencies in your post, too, or maybe I have missed something. One of them: you say that you might never be able to get back into your profession again, but you end your post by saying you are going to work now. Are you working in a different field?

Last edited by pendulum; 09-09-2008 at 09:06 AM.

 
Old 09-09-2008, 08:01 AM   #5
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Re: I am so mad at her, but still want her friendship

Indy, I wonder if you are still married. If you are, then I feel that it is your wife and kids who deserve an apology from you. In some way your post sounds selfish. You were with an another woman, sexually or not. How did that make your wife feel? Your wife is the one you would expect to be by your side while you were sick, not the other woman.
Maybe the other woman's reason for withdrawing from you was that she felt guilty about being involved with a married man. I would feel guilty about something like that.

 
Old 09-09-2008, 09:50 AM   #6
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Re: I am so mad at her, but still want her friendship

Why should she stand by you? she had no legal obligation (MARRIAGE vows say in sickness or health) and you didn't leave your family - maybe to her, your not leaving your family is equivalent to her not standing by you.

She probably didn't show a bunch of concern for your children because Number one, they are not HER family, not HER children (and if she really did love you, it was probably hard for her to hear about your real family that you are choosing over her), and the oldest story in the book with getting involved with a married man is them not wanting to leave their family is because of 'their concern for the children and the wife's status'. And I will bet your anything her confidants told her that you are full of it, you'll never leave - and you proved them right. so she needed to make a choice. and she did. maybe you're mad now because you can't have everything you want.

maybe you should apologize to her for playing with her feelings - professing your love, and then turn around and go back to your real family. For blaming her for something she had nothing to do with - she didn't give you that medication 6 years ago, and it has been your own feelings that caused the outbreak of depression (and you sound like very bitter blame-everyone-but-yourself type of person so I can see that), your medical history that caused you to lose your job.

Maybe you should consider therapy.

Last edited by jozi209; 09-09-2008 at 09:50 AM.

 
Old 09-09-2008, 09:57 AM   #7
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Re: I am so mad at her, but still want her friendship

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

 
Old 09-10-2008, 04:00 AM   #8
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Re: I am so mad at her, but still want her friendship

Larrylou'smom. Thank you for responding. I have read many of your posts and you are one of my favorites here. Yes I am still married, and I do think that she had a battle with her belief's and her own values and that I do have a great respect for. They are values that I would want for all men and women to have and ones that I think my children will have. I also know that she did not want to be the other woman and feel responsible for me leaving my wife. I was so sick for a while that I would of given everything in my life away including my relationship with my children to be with her and she knows that. I could not and would not even consider that in my present state of mind and can't believe I even considered it, it is something that is part of my values. As far as keeping her on back burner, well that is something that I would never expect or want her to do. All I want is her to be happy, and she is I think. I would not even care if she was to meet someone and get married again as long as he was good to her and someone that deserves her. I would just be happy to have to be her friendship back someday under the wright circumstances so she could meet my children and me hers. If something would ever happen to her I would want to always be their for her children and if something would ever happen to me their is not a person better then her that I would not love to have watch over mine. I just have such a hard time dealing with never seeing her again. She alone holds to answer to questions of my heart that has been a life life long battle for me and the hold she has on my heart. I talked to my therapist in my last two meetings with her, and yes even though I have gotten through my battle with depression I have asked to keep seeing her so I can try to figure out why she means so much to me. I think that it not just one thing but many many things, some that I know already and some I might never figure out. I think I am more frustrated than mad. I think I could of gotten off the medication I was on sooner if she would not have totally stopped contact with me, and possible my daughter would of come to me sooner of her attack and I could of gotten her therapy sooner. She was not responsible for my depression but my contact with her before I had ever intended to and my own battle with right and wrong was just enough to push over the edge and that I am actually happy for other wise it might of taken years. I need to go to work now but their is so much more I will tell you and I will answer all the posters as soon as I can their replies mean allot to me. And yes she did let us file a police report finally thank God. I know things will work out! Indychris

 
Old 09-10-2008, 04:44 AM   #9
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Re: I am so mad at her, but still want her friendship

Quote:
Originally Posted by indychris View Post
Yes I am still married,
You are still married yet later say if something happened to you, you would leave your kids with this woman who they have never met. What about leaving them with I don't know your wife or another member of your family they actually know instead of some woman you had an affair with.

Quote:
I would just be happy to have to be her friendship back someday under the wright circumstances so she could meet my children and me hers. If something would ever happen to her I would want to always be their for her children and if something would ever happen to me their is not a person better then her that I would not love to have watch over mine.
She has never met your kids but you would want this woman you had an affair with to watch over your kids. Something is just not right with that line of thought in my opinion.

Quote:
I just have such a hard time dealing with never seeing her again.
Why are you holding on so much to this woman. You are married. You have kids. Its been a long time passed that you should have moved on from this. Right now you can not be living your life to its fullest if you are hanging on to the past that you want back.

Quote:
I think I could of gotten off the medication I was on sooner if she would not have totally stopped contact with me,
This is on you not her. why place the blame that you were on meds to long on her. She really had nothing to do with your state. She has apparently made it abundantly clear she wants nothing to do with you. Please for your sake and your family's sake please move on from this.

 
Old 09-10-2008, 06:10 AM   #10
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Re: I am so mad at her, but still want her friendship

Quote:
Originally Posted by indychris View Post
I was so sick for a while that I would of given everything in my life away including my relationship with my children to be with her and she knows that.
That sounds like the most unhealthy love possible -- obsessive love.

Good for the "other woman" for not letting you into her life fully. Think about it...would you want to be with someone who obsessed over you and left their own children in pursuit of you?

From everything you wrote in this thread, I'd say continue the therapy and monitor your depression -- perhaps it wasn't just situational or caused by a medication. When you are truly feeling better, you will understand that your love for her was just as unhealthy as the depression.

 
Old 09-10-2008, 07:15 AM   #11
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Re: I am so mad at her, but still want her friendship

Thanks for the compliment, indychris.

I can understand you feeling the way you do about this woman, but if you look at it from her side, and it seems you are, of course she could not possibly be a full, real part of your life when you have a wife. She held back and was wise to do so.

I feel I still don't know all the ins and outs of what happened between the two of you, and I really don't have to, but I guess I can understand why you feel like there are things she did that caused you to spiral downward. I had a relationship with someone who didn't treat me very well and dwho lied to me about some pretty important stuff, and it really hurt me. I still haven't really recovered. Yes, I let him, and yes it's now my responsibility to pick myself up, but still, I just can't totally buy into the whole "only we are responsible for our own feelings" stuff. I'm very Donnearian in that way. I do think we have the power to truly hurt each other,and to a certain degree, we ARE responsible for another person's feelings, if we tell them they can trust us and we gain their trust and then betray it. We do have to own that.

I'm not sure if that's what this woman did, it seems it's just a very complicated matter. But I think your focus really shouldn't be on her right now. You are currently in a marriage that obviously is making you very very unhappy, and you are married to a woman you really don't want to be married to. THAT'S what you have to deal with first. Work on fixing your marriage or end it, but it won't do anyone any good to stay in a situation that makes you so unhappy.

 
Old 09-10-2008, 07:25 AM   #12
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Re: I am so mad at her, but still want her friendship

I don't think I have ever replied to one of your post, but I have read most of them. Is this the same woman in ALL of them? The one who doesn't want you, the one you traveled so far to try and see and was put off? The one who got a restraining order to keep you away from her? If I am confusing you with someone else....disregard this....If I am not....here is my take....and you are not going to like it.


PLEASE get on with your life and leave this woman alone before you get into some serious trouble. Not only is this unhealthy, it's a dangerous game you are playing...and someone could get really hurt...namely YOU!

You have a family.....please put all your energy and attention on your family and forget this woman! She does not want to have anything to do with you, and you are posting over and over about her, and ignoring the good advice you have been given to stay away from her.

Mileena

 
Old 09-10-2008, 07:38 AM   #13
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Re: I am so mad at her, but still want her friendship

If she has a restraining order against you, then it's probably time to quit obsessing over her and concentrate on your own family. I can't understand what could possibly lead a person to become so obsessed with another person that they would require a restraining order to be kept away from them!! That just doesn't make any sense to me?? If someone said, Hey I don't want to be with you anymore, then I would say Fine see ya later whatever. I wouldn't continue trying to interject myself into their life if they didn't want me in it because then I would appear pathetic and desperate.

You really need to get over this. She's done with you and doesn't want you around. If you spent half the energy on your marriage and family that you do obsessing over this other woman, you'd probably still be happily married. But the fact that you don't even care about your own kids and would drop them in an instant if this other woman talked to you again, that just goes to show how seriously messed up your priorities are right now. Your children need to be your number 1 priority above everyone else. And your wife, too. If you don't love her anymore and don't want to be with her, then do her a favor and get divorced. Don't keep her trapped in a loveless marriage with a man who is totally obsessed over some other woman who has a restraining order against him.

Does your wife know that this woman has a restraining order against you? And do you really grasp the seriousness of that? That's something that could get you into a major amount of trouble if you start contacting her again. You could get arrested! Do you care about getting arrested and having a police record? The fact that you don't seem to care about that stuff is very strange. Most normal people wouldn't want a police record over some person they once knew. I'm just really stunned by all of this stuff that is going on with this situation. And the fact that you find nothing wrong with it is probably the most disturbing thing of all?

 
Old 09-10-2008, 08:07 AM   #14
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Re: I am so mad at her, but still want her friendship

I have only one comment and that is that I feel truly sorry for your children. I am a mother and it is unbelievable to me that you would give up your relationship with your children to be with some woman. They are your children and you are their father. I lack words for how bizarre that sounds. Most parents would give up anything for their children, even their lives.

 
Old 09-10-2008, 08:42 AM   #15
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Re: I am so mad at her, but still want her friendship

Your relationship with this woman ended something like 20 years ago, didn't it? And you attempted to revive it a few years ago and she decided that it wasn't for her after all? And you are still obsessed with her? If you are seeing a therapist and are being honest with him/her, I can't imagine that he/she is not trying to give you some kind of treatment for this unhealthy obsession. This is not good for you! You need to realize this is over and move on! What about your wife? Does she know about your obsession with this other woman?

I remember you posted some time ago about loving this woman's children as much as your own. Yet, you've never even met them. This just is not normal. You need to concentrate on your health and well-being, then focus on your family. My therapist told me that until I was healthy I couldn't be a good mother to my son. So, get yourself healthy and free of this obsession, then you can be the wonderful father and husband you are capable of being. And forget about getting some kind of apology or wanting to be friends with this woman. She's made it clear she wants to be free of you. Respect her wishes and respect yourself and your family.

 
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