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Old 09-10-2008, 04:00 PM   #1
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How do I deal with all these feelings of resentment ???

I am 35. I was in a bad relationship for 3 years. And when I say bad I mean emotionally abusive physically a few times, finacially, and any other in between. I am no longer in this relationship. And have not been for almost 2 years. I have made alot of headway, well so I thought. Well maybe I have and sometimes these feelings rear it's ugly head and I feel like I have taken steps back. I made a life for myself as much as I could. I volenteer for the local Police. And have had the same job for 11 1/2 years. And I know I am a good person. However, the resentment falls in the form of the finacial part. My ex really put me in debt. And since then I have not been able to get ahead. There are things I would like to do.. such as take courses . And take the police testing so I may become a police officer. And just allow myself to have a nice life. I can't do this. And I feel held back. And anger. Not just at him. But me for allowing it. Being such an idiot for falling into his lies and believing what he would tell me. Like I should have known better. Not just that is i had a friend whom was trying to help me break free from him 2 years back. And I was a mess, no self esteem etc... she said things that in retrospect I now resent. She said I was a headcase, people thought I was a headcase, Did I really hate myself that much to be with him. Meanwhile I had no idea she was legally divorced, but still living a lie her and her ex were living together.(for 5 years) She was miserable. (at the time I had no idea this was the case) Telling me what I should do about my ex, don't accept his calls, aviod him and leave him etc... Well now I see a good friend would have not said such cruel and hypocritical things . I had others that never spoke to me as such. And they are still good friends. She would call my parents tell them I was with this guy( I was 32 at the time) I felt I am an adult and being treated as a child. She threaten to take my cell phone away so he could not call me. No one including my family would include me in certain things. Would yell at me.. lecture. I felt like I had no one. I did not need a lecture!!! So on my own I decided to call it the end for good after several attempts over the years. I changed my phone # it was unlisted still is. And regained my life again. I found out who I was. And learned alot about ME. But I have never been able to move past this resentment for my ex, my ex friend now, and my parents. I realize they were concerned, afraid. But I was the one living it every single day. IN it.. and I dealt. It is always seems to be brought up some how. I am judged.. or my ability to judge properly. I am not the same person. In fact I saw my freind a month ago in the parking lot, she lives beside me . Which is not good I feel like I am living in a fish bowl. She said when she saw me after almost 2 years of me not being with the ex. She told me so.. she knew it.. as I found out he moved back to his hometown and had been in jail. She went on and on. And I thought I am Soo done with thinking about him. She brought it up not me !!! How do I deal with all this resentment ??? I have tried to say not my problem it is theirs. yes I made a mistake !!! But I am human !!!

 
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Old 09-10-2008, 06:08 PM   #2
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Re: How do I deal with all these feelings of resentment ???

There are already good things in your present life: your job, your goodness, your ideals... Don't look only at the negative, shadowy side (past). Look around and ahead rather than back.

Is there any legal way for you to get the money back from your ex, I wonder? If not, then all you have to do is to learn this lesson from this bad experience.

It is hard to deal with resentment and all this constellation of (mixed) feelings. Basically you need more time to get over them, or to put them on the backburner. Actually, what you have to deal with is your present life. Those feelings are too old to contribute to your present situation.

Focus on your goals and do as best as you can to reach them, relying on the help and support of "disinterested" people. Hardships should read to you as incentives. Wide doors mostly lead to short roads, if this makes any sense to you.

 
Old 09-11-2008, 08:10 AM   #3
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Re: How do I deal with all these feelings of resentment ???

It makes me to hear stories like yours. Some people just do not care about the consequences of their behavior. They leave a trail of emotional victims wherever they go. I believe they will be held accountable for their actions eventually, if not in this life.

Do not take ownership of everything that happened. You did not invite his abuse. No one ever asks for that. Yes, you decided to stay with him, which allowed it to continue and increase the damage but you are not the only person in the world to have done this.

It is easy for people to judge when they have not walked in your shoes. Sometimes it is difficult for people to understand and they become frustrated because they care but do not know what to do in order to "reach" you. Then there are those who measure your life and your choices according to their own standards and guidelines. But let's not forget those who genuinely want to help and we react to them with anger because we'd rather repress it than deal with it.

Because of his own issues, lack of control and lack of human sensitivity, you suffered as a consequence. Because of you making the decisions as only you knew how at the time, you are suffering the consequences. But you have removed yourself from the situation and although you are still paying the price, you are in a better place than where you were. You need to forgive yourself and move on. Who cares what other people think!

You take these feelings with you wherever you go. Moving away,changing your number and not thinking about it does not heal you. There will always be something to remind you of the past. You have to face it head on and accept then let go of what happened.

In order to get rid of the resentment, we have to accept the things we cannot change, have the courage to change the things that we can change, and seek for wisdom to know the difference.

It is hard to let go of the past when the pain that you still feel today is living inside you. You need to process it and get it out or it will continue to eat you up inside. Have you had counseling to help you with this?

 
Old 09-11-2008, 09:00 AM   #4
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Re: How do I deal with all these feelings of resentment ???

I think you have done a wonderful job of pulling yourself up, and it's no ones business if it took you longer than it might have taken them! We are all individuals. I have always heard people say: "I would never put up with that!" But the truth is....you don't know what you would do until you are in that same situation.

As far as this woman bringing up your ex and his troubles and you not wanting to talk about it. Next time, simply stop her before she gets started and say something like: "I am in a hurry, and even if I weren't I would not have time to discuss that. It is in the past, and I am trying to live in the present." Don't give her time to respond...just walk away.

I think bringing this up to you has caused you to relive things in the past in your mind. Please try to forget this woman and her tactless attitude toward you. You are doing good for yourself. I think you need to be recognized for that!

Mileena

 
Old 09-12-2008, 01:56 PM   #5
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Re: How do I deal with all these feelings of resentment ???

Thanks all !! Well I guess I do take a lot of the blame. Not for his actions, for not knowing better . I know if it had been happening to someone else, I think I would be frustrated also. But you are right, you never know how you will react until it happens to you. Walk in there shoes. Very true. I did seek counselling after.. for sometime. Also joined a support group. It did help. And alot of things you have all said my counsellor also said. And I guess after that well I was ok. Just now and then it rears its ugly head. And yes my ex friend does rehash and reminds me of these times. Even when I hit a finacial wall it makes me so upset.. at me how could I have been soo stupid. I think of my future a lot and how it has set me back. I think about retirement even though I am only 35. I had money aside for this. All gone. So I have to re-think and how I have to noe start all over. I have done well, but I guess this just makes me question a lot. She was supposed to be a friend, and my parents were to be there to support not judge. And they did.. it hurt. Because I felt they would be the ones who would never. I have brought this up to my mom.. she gets defensive, and tells me to let it go etc.. But it is how I feel. May sound silly but I care what my family thinks of me. If they are proud.. or disapointted. Yes even @ 35... I guess it opens up another can of worms.. I have always since I can remember been seeking out approval from my family.. reasurrance. Not sure why.. because I did get some. I guess I always rememeberd how good it felt when you were praised. I also grew up in an alcoholic home. From the time I was 2 til I moved out @ 19. My Dad. He is not now.. clean for 10+ years. But things happen, with myself that makes me wonder was that why??? Is this part of why I am who I am?? So many questions....

 
Old 09-12-2008, 11:08 PM   #6
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Re: How do I deal with all these feelings of resentment ???

Of course! Your experiences growing up influences and shapes your mindset. It is no wonder why you stuck with him for so long. It is because you had to live through all of that trauma at home and your definition of love was defined for you in that way. You stick with it through thick and thin; good times and bad - no matter what.

Regardless of how old we are, we want to be accepted by our parents and want them to be proud of us. There is nothing wrong with wanting that. For many of us, it completes us. But if the positive moments, like praises, are few and far in between, we spend our whole lives trying to earn their approval.

When our self esteem is low, we settle for less. We do not believe we deserve better or will find "wonderful" so we hop on the next ship that sails by. We live our lives seeking approval and once we have some positive experiences with someone, it is like an addiction - we keep trying to get more of those moments out of those people. It is like trying to squeeze blood out of a stone in some cases. We hang on for dear life to what was once good and what is familiar.

Everyone has their own battles, or demons to fight. We enter this world alone and we will leave alone. What matters is how we live our life and what we make of the short time we are here. Will the world be a sadder place without us in it or will it be a better place without us in it? That should be your only measure - not anyone else's. You do not need anyone's approval because no one has that authority.

You work on building your self esteem and those feelings of resentment will not have room to fester in you. I wish you the best!

 
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