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Old 09-11-2008, 02:42 PM   #1
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Friend who has feelings for me.

I have a good friend called Jake.

He has admited he has feelings for me but each time I tell him I am not over ex and that I am done with men and relationships. I cannot tell him straight out I don't want him - I just can't.

He is two years younger than me and he is a nice guy. But he is very young still. Awfully immature, not in a child like way ie making silly jokes, but not experienced with emotions etc.
He gets angry very easily and has a very short temper.

Often he will say "I feel like the guy you turn to when you are bored or fancy a chat about what is going on with your world. You didn't even ask me how I am."

I do ask him how he is and how his day goes.

I think comments like these are resurfacing because of how he feels.

How to stop it?

I want to be friends with him. But I don't want comments like this.

 
Old 09-11-2008, 03:21 PM   #2
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Re: Friend who has feelings for me.

It is really next to impossible to have a simple friendship with someone who has romantic feelings for you. Unless they have moved on and gotten over it, they will never be able to put their feelings aside and be completely carefree.

I have cut all ties with male friends who I know are interested in me. Not only because I have a boyfriend, but because it is just easier, and less cruel, to remove yourself from the situation and make it easier for them to move on.
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Old 09-11-2008, 03:33 PM   #3
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Re: Friend who has feelings for me.

I can't stand to hurt him, that's the problem.
I don't want him out my life because we have so many similar interests - in fact I don't know anyone else with one of my interests in particular. I'm not only friends with him for that reason. Other reasons too.
I just keep thinking about how hurt he must be etc etc.
I know by removing myself, he would get over me, but I don't want to. I wish I wasn't so selfish and didn't want his friendship.
I'm stuck?

 
Old 09-11-2008, 04:02 PM   #4
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Re: Friend who has feelings for me.

It sounds like he may be reading false hope into what you are telling him about not being over an ex yet. If you want to protect him and keep your friendship, you have to be honest with him. I realize you're concerned about hurting his feelings even more, and the thought of telling him that you just aren't interested in him that way probably seems harsh, but it's also possible to simply tell him that you could never be more than friends with him because you value his friendship too much to ever lose if things didn't work out. I know that sounds so cliche, but it's a soft way to let him down.

I believe you can have a friendship even when one person has feelings for more - one of my best friendships of my life was with a guy who had stronger feelings than just friendship and he was ok that it would never be more and we had a wonderful friendship because of it.

Last edited by luckydarlin; 09-11-2008 at 04:03 PM.

 
Old 09-11-2008, 05:37 PM   #5
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Re: Friend who has feelings for me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by luckydarlin View Post
It sounds like he may be reading false hope into what you are telling him about not being over an ex yet. If you want to protect him and keep your friendship, you have to be honest with him. I realize you're concerned about hurting his feelings even more, and the thought of telling him that you just aren't interested in him that way probably seems harsh, but it's also possible to simply tell him that you could never be more than friends with him because you value his friendship too much to ever lose if things didn't work out. I know that sounds so cliche, but it's a soft way to let him down.

I believe you can have a friendship even when one person has feelings for more - one of my best friendships of my life was with a guy who had stronger feelings than just friendship and he was ok that it would never be more and we had a wonderful friendship because of it.
I couldn't agree more with this post. In fact, what you are telling him about your ex and relationships in general is quite ambiguous. Even what you say about him is somewhat ambiguous. Sounds as if you are potentially interested in him, but are backing away from him only because of his alleged immaturity. It appears to me that you could entertain some mixed feelings for him as well, but could it be the case that you don't want to acknowledge these feelings? Indeed, let me ask you this, how can anyone be friends with a person whom they consider to be too immature to be their boy-friend? I may be wrong, but if someone is too immature to be my romantic partner, they will also be too immature to be my friend. The difference between friendship and love lies basically in the sexual attraction. I don't know if I make myself understood.

Anyway, if it's only pure friendship you want with this guy, state your case as clear as possible. As the other poster said, it is possible to have a great friendship with someone who has feelings for you (when you don't have feelings for them). The most probable scenario is for these feelings to get sublimated, but the seed of it will always be there and may surface and grow if an opportunity arises. If you don't want to run risks, then you'd be better to move away from him in a most "charitable" way.

 
Old 09-12-2008, 02:34 AM   #6
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Re: Friend who has feelings for me.

Oh no, I don't have any feelings what so ever and never will.

I just wish I could bury my head into the sand and hopefully this will all go away?

But things aren't as easy as that are they.

Perhaps I should continue asserting that he is a good friend.

Last night I was going to reply and say well yes, you are my friend, and I do turn to my friends when I am bored and fancy a chat. Isn't that what friends are for? Also, I did ask you how you were.

Or shall i be direct? Send him a message now telling him we are just friends, and what else does he expect from me?

 
Old 09-12-2008, 05:08 AM   #7
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Re: Friend who has feelings for me.

Maybe we should never say "never", but that's another question.

I keep wondering how you can be friends with someone whom you find to be immature. What kind of emotional support can they give you if they are really immature? I know you share a lot of interests, but how interesting is the dialogue between you and him if there is that immaturity gap and if he sounds so needy most of the time? How will he react if you fall in love again - with another guy?

Yes, I think you should be direct with me. Tell him that you are just friends. Don't add anything, because if he is minimally intelligent he will get the message. If he can't be satisfied with that, then he'd be better to move on. You, too.

 
Old 09-12-2008, 05:24 AM   #8
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Re: Friend who has feelings for me.

I had a "friend" like this. He was my friend's boyfriend's friend, which is how we met. We all hung out as a group and went to clubs together and had a lot of fun. I was 22 at the time and he was 19. I enjoyed his company, we talked on the phone, we would dance togther while out, etc.. It never occured to me he had feelings for me until he tried to kiss me. I told him straight out I didn't have "it" for him and that made him more determined to stay my friend to try to get me interested. I made a point to talk to other guys while out and he got all jealous and it just got ugly. Long story short, I had to cut him out of my circle. When we went to the clubs I purposely went off with other friends or danced alone and met other people. He was hurt, but he didn't take my word that I wasn't interested in him.

So, if you are not interested in him I dont' see how you can really have a friendship. He is always going to try to have more and therefore really isn't being a friend. You have to be honest with him and tell him how you feel. If he's hurt that is not your fault. You can't please everyone. This is putting you and your feelings first, something you are not use to. You can't control how he handles the situation.

 
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