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Old 09-11-2008, 05:18 PM   #1
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Is it enough to say it and not to show it?

it was my birthday a few days ago, first birthday as a mom, all i get is dinner the night of (planned 1 or 2 days before) and thats it. I dont get flowers until he saw me get flowers from other people (and i bought myself flowers), i dont get a card even. And i know financially we r not doing well but that isnt an excuse, we r not broke, he could have atleast gotten me a nice thougtful card. I've been sad,depressed and mad ever since. He says he loves me so much i have no idea...i say that he needs to show it...maybe im just waaay too thoughtful? i never come back home without anything from him, because hes always on my mind...i think about what ill get him for his birthday weeks if not months before...i do it because it MAKES HIM HAPPY AND MAKES HIM FEEL LOVED

He knows that him not doing anything MAKES ME FEEL UNLOVED...and yet this happens...

ive never been soo down in my life...im starting to think if he really really loves me...

Last edited by Gioparis; 09-11-2008 at 05:19 PM.

 
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Old 09-11-2008, 07:20 PM   #2
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Re: Is it enough to say it and not to show it?

I know how you feel. Yes, I agree it is very important for a woman/wife/girlfriend to receive presents regularly from her partner/husband/boyfriend. Yet very few men observe this fundamental rule in a relationship. Sometimes they do in the very first few years, but gradually forget about it as time goes by. This is very symptomatic of most men's attitude of taking things and people for granted. I don't think there is a definite cure for it, but education, etiquette handbooks, and conspicuous examples of other real gentlemen could turn the trick. He may be too clumsy to buy presents for you, he may be ashamed of looking rather too feminine holding or even choosing a bunch of flowers for you, he may be impatient to go shopping, etc... I know, I know, this must feel like a consolation for you, but rather than getting depressed for his lack of attention and courtesy try to look at it not so seriously (it is not personal) and to find soft ways of bending his masculinity.

 
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Old 09-11-2008, 09:02 PM   #3
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Re: Is it enough to say it and not to show it?

I think you need to sit down and talk to him about it. However, do know that you are not alone in your situation. My boyfriend always buys me nice things for my birthday or takes me out, but like your sig other, he ALWAYS does it last minute. He also doesn't tend to wrap presents. I'm like you, I plan months in advance. I know in my situation, my bf doesn't mean it as hurtful by not planning, that's just how he is. I used to get my feelings hurt because I thought it meant he didn't care by not planning, but we sat down and talked about it.

It's always hard when one person in a relationship is more romantic than the other or more creative...I hope that discussing this with him will help. I wish I had better advice for you, but lately I've been wishing my boyfriend would be more romantic at times too! It's definitely frustrating.

Last edited by BluEyez1031; 09-11-2008 at 09:04 PM.

 
Old 09-11-2008, 10:31 PM   #4
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Re: Is it enough to say it and not to show it?

The problem is, I did tell him. Many times. but nothing changed. I asked him if he was mad at me, he said no, why would i be mad at you? I told him I dont feel loved. Im not asking for an expensive present, a nice hand written card would have been nice, esp since I didnt get anything since I had our baby. He knows how much a card would make me feel...

He realizes im mad at him, sad, depressed, you name it..hes does nothing but says i love you. Even after he messed up, why doesnt he go and get me a card and say hes sorry? my god, after having a baby hormones are all over the place, plus im on the pill which is also effecting my mood, he should try to be even more affectionate with me, but no, he isnt.

I dont care how many times he tells me he loves me, he obviously isnt showing it.

Im so hurt....

 
Old 09-12-2008, 12:10 AM   #5
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Re: Is it enough to say it and not to show it?

it just really hurts, we barely spoke today. He's acting like im the mistaken one...when i kiss him, he says thank you...cant he realize that im soo hurt?!....im running out of tears....i feel lost...confused...

 
Old 09-12-2008, 01:26 AM   #6
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Re: Is it enough to say it and not to show it?

I have been in your shoes before too! The pill makes my moods swing like crazy! Like other posters have said, Don't take it so personnal. Some men are so insensitive they just don't understand how something like that can be so hurtful! There are so many times you can tell him how you feel before it comes across as "nagging" even though you are trying not to.

Now that you guys have a baby, I am sure the level of intimacy you guys shared before is probably not there anymore! I was always the creative one in my relationship, don't be afraid to spice things up a bit! Sometimes men just need ideas and you can give them to him by SHOWING him instead of "telling" him what it is you expect.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow!

 
Old 09-12-2008, 06:31 AM   #7
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Re: Is it enough to say it and not to show it?

Some men don't get the whole "gift giving thing". Put this aside for a moment. How is he every other day of the year? Do you feel loved every other day? Does he show you love and respect?

I know my husband loves me more than anything. I know this by the way he works his butt off so I can be home with the kids. I know this because he always puts the girls and me before himself. He shows me in his way that he loves me. He's not into buying cards. He would rather tell me himself how he feels (which he does daily) than buy a card with some else's words written in it. He would rather give me the money to get what I want or need rather than trying to guess what to give me and wind up disappointing me. Does any of this make sense?

So think of your situation. How does he show his love? You may not even realize how he shows it. Men and women think differently. It's not an excuse for him, but it is how it is. Definately voice your feelings of disappointment as you are entitled to them. But if every other aspect of your relationship is good I wouldn't let this ruin it.

 
Old 09-12-2008, 03:13 PM   #8
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Re: Is it enough to say it and not to show it?

after crying all night everynight for the past two days, i wake up today and my eyes are swollen, what does my husband say? whats wrong with your eyes?

DOESNT HE REALIZE HE HURT ME?

 
Old 09-12-2008, 04:13 PM   #9
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Re: Is it enough to say it and not to show it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gioparis View Post
after crying all night everynight for the past two days, i wake up today and my eyes are swollen, what does my husband say? whats wrong with your eyes?

DOESNT HE REALIZE HE HURT ME?
I don't seem to fully get why some guys, even when asked /told that it hurts when they forget a birthday or anniversary, don't take it as meaning much of anything and continue to forget the next one. Sometimes I wonder if they really do forget OR if they have a view of "occasions" as being unimportant. I had one boyfriend years ago that forgot Christmas.... Please. Thing was, he didn't find it important so therefore he didn't get me anything. We all want someone to view us as special and by forgeting a birthday or anniversary, it makes us feel like we are being taken advantage of, regardless of how they may be every other day. We don't want to say "hey,,, birthday next week.. don't forget to get me something"... it kind of ruins everything. No easy answer for this one. Guys don't seem to forget sports events or work related things very easily so ... I simply don't know. I do know men that are amazing at gift giving and really going out of there way for their women when they have birthdays. I think that some guys simply don't get that it means alot... maybe because they grew up with families that glossed it over or their father's never did the gift giving. Sit him down and tell him that it's important to you, in a lighthearted way.. go mark it on the calendar and once getting close say in a joking way, "look whats coming". If he doesn't get it after that then I can only assume he's not as thoughtful a guy as some others are.

 
Old 09-12-2008, 04:43 PM   #10
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Re: Is it enough to say it and not to show it?

im just soo hurt to break the ice...we havent been speaking ever since...hes acting like im the one whos wrong in making it a big deal...maybe it isnt for him but it is for me

 
Old 09-12-2008, 05:05 PM   #11
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Re: Is it enough to say it and not to show it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gioparis View Post
im just soo hurt to break the ice...we havent been speaking ever since...hes acting like im the one whos wrong in making it a big deal...maybe it isnt for him but it is for me
When you feel you can you need to talk with him. Some people let things fester (and they never forget) and you don't want to have a deep resentment towards him. I'm sure you feel you shouldn't even have to be having this conversation but you really need to. If and when you do, and if he is understanding... great. If he acts like he can't believe you're making a "big deal" (in his eyes) about it, make it clear that this is something that means alot to you, regardless of how "he" views it, that you love to celebrate your birthday, and next time it will mean a ton to you if he would celebrate it in the way you like to celebrate it (with a gift).

 
Old 09-12-2008, 06:53 PM   #12
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Re: Is it enough to say it and not to show it?

I agree with Cathy's advice. You have to talk to him again objectively. He may innerly find that you are making a drama, but it's your right to express your feelings and show the way you like things to be done. At the same time you need to be realistic and reasonable: you can't ask of him a lot more than he is able to give, you can't shape him entirely as you please. In other words, he must come down from his pedestal and you must accept that he has certain limitations. You have to meet each other in the middle of the way, as it were. Isn't a marriage like giving and taking for both parties? Now please wipe those tears and that sad look from your face. Unless the damage in your soul runs deeper than what you brought up here and you haven't told us everything, I think you can now afford to move on.

 
Old 09-13-2008, 05:49 AM   #13
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Re: Is it enough to say it and not to show it?

What kinds of gifts did his father give is mother? That is where men learn.

I know my husband buys my gifts last minute and it is usually a gift card to one of my favorite stores. I don't look at it as an expression of his love. It is an obligation. He shows his love in his day to day care of me and the family.

So don't look at the gift, does he help with the baby, the household chores, plan weekend outtings, spend time with you? That is the real love, not the gifts. To you a gift means "I was thinking of you" but that is not what it means to him.

 
Old 09-13-2008, 02:42 PM   #14
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Re: Is it enough to say it and not to show it?

I had that happen once with a guy I was engaged to...I was so hurt, ect. and I let it fester, and gave him the cold, silent treatment and the "woe is me", and it backfired right in my face. He honestly didnt think he had done anything wrong, and didnt mean to hurt me, and I looked like a big huge *ss.

Thats not why we broke up, but i did learn a huge lesson. Not everyone thinks like we do, and I my hubby now is amazing, and would get me whateverr I would want, and he lets me pick out what I want for gifts most of the time so he knows Ill love it. Im pretty high maitenence, and my hubby isnt really up on fashion and the things I like. He says hed rather me have something he knows Ill love than to miss the mark. I love that about him and I dont feel bad because its not a surprise or something just HE has picked out on his own...

xoxoxo,
IZZY'SMOM

Last edited by IZZY'SMOM; 09-13-2008 at 02:45 PM.

 
Old 09-13-2008, 03:31 PM   #15
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Re: Is it enough to say it and not to show it?

There's another thread here where the phrase "keep pretending you don't know what she wants" is used. That thought shot through my mind as I read your story. I can't help but think that's what's going on. I think your hubby is pretending he doesn't know what the problem is. As long as he pretends it away, he doesn't have to change his actions or be responsible for them.

The problem from the other side of the coin is that the bell has been rung. For you it will be very, very hard to let go of this. I also have been there. And while time passes, some things are very hard to let go of and I will never forget them.

I'd suggest that after you have calmed down you sit him down and be blunt. Explain exactly what he did and how you feel about it. Let him know that he can't keep pretending he doesn't get it, that you are willing to explain any angle he's missing. And I understand that you have already "told" him but it's not getting through. He's still pretending he hasn't heard.

For me, in my life, I never again acknowledged the other person's birthday. Ever. It may sound incredibly petty but he did get the message. And since I no longer cared that mine be acknowledged (he'd taken the fun out of it), it actually helped me to heal. I feel better on his birthday than I do any other day of the year.

 
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