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Old 09-12-2008, 11:08 AM   #1
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I resent my husband - what do i do.

This is going to be kind of long and feel free to slap me around if I need it.

Ive been with my husband since i was 17 and he was 19. After for a year, his ex girlfriend started causing problems, she said they were talking and he claims they werent. Alot happened and he ended up taking a restraining order against her and she moved away for years. We got married when i was 19 and he was 21. His mom always stayed in our business and he never would take up for me. She went around talking bad about me. She still does. After we got married my husband mentally and physically abused me. I stayed stressed out and cried a lot. I left a couple of times and the last time i was not planning on going back but i found out i was pregnant. Which i do thank God for. When i was 29 weeks pregnant my mother in law started some crap with me and got my husband all mad at me and he came home and we started argueing bad. He pushed me against the wall choking me. Two days later i went into labor and had to go on bed rest. He would always cry and tell me how sorry he was. I would always forgive him. After our baby boy was born my husband no longer physically abused me but the mental abuse would come and go. When my son was 6 months old my husband got arrested for pulling over for a pretend prostitute. My husband drives a local truck. They said that he didnt solicitate her but he did talk to her and then he told her to get off the truck and she wouldnt so he started trying to push her off the truck. He got arrested for assault with a deadly weapon meaning the truck. It got dropped in court. I left him for a while and moved in with my parents. I didnt know what i was going to do. I worked only part time and i couldnt find a good job. I live in a small town. I went back to him and he begged he was changed. He swore that he had never cheated on me.

So things were better. Except when my son turned 5, i wanted another baby so bad. I did love my husband even though after all he had put me through. He didnt want anymore children. I begged and begged so he finally agreed. I got pregnant after trying for 5 months. I was so happy but he was not. He didnt want the child. He treated me so bad. Then when i was 6 months i started bleeding. I went to the dr and we found out that my baby had no kidneys. They told me that his lungs would not develope because of the no kidneys. They said it was a fluke and that he would die at birth. So I went home to carry him for a couple more weeks. I had placenta previa so my placenta abrupted i was rushed in for an emergency c-section up and down scar. My sweet little baby was so precious looking. U couldnt tell anything was wrong with him. He died. At first i needed my husband to take care of me i was ill mentally. He was really there for me he turned around so quickly. But then it set in. I HATED HIM!!! He didnt want the baby.

I kept trying to get it out of my head. I felt worthless. My husband stopped abussing me but i felt crappy about myself from all the years of abuse. I lost my little baby and i just wanted another baby so bad. I cried and cried. I had to beg my husband again for another baby. I was desperate. So we started trying with no luck. A year later we found out that my husband was grayzone for sperm count. My husband then was willing to try anything to help me because he knew i resented him. Then we found out that he had one vas differen and one kidney. It all made since then, it was genetic. I had my older son checked and he has both of his kidneys. I had mine checked and i have both of mine.

Then i did something i had no excuse for, I had a long affair with my husband's best friend. I didnt mean for it to happen but he made me feel like someone again. I know its no excuse. I should have gotton out of my marriage if i felt that way but i just couldnt leave. My husband did find out and we split up but then we got back together.

That has been 2 years ago. Over the two years my husband has changed. He is more loving, he tells me he loves me and he will do anything for me. He waits on me hand and foot. He cooks me breakfast every Sunday. He holds me and tells me how beautiful i am. What happened. Why come it couldnt of been like this from the get go. He takes up for me when it comes to his mom. It is like night and day. We started trying again and i found out that i have endometriosis. They told me that my tubes and ovaries were fine and it was on the back of my uterus. They did a lap on me. So then we though it was that that was causing me not to get pregnant. We kept trying and then we went to see another dr. She told me that my endo was not the type that would cause infertility. She sent my husband for another semen check and we just found out that my husband has only 8 million sperm. When i asked him if he was going to see a dr he told me that why should he when i might take off and leave him after having another baby.

The problem is that even though my husband has changed a lot, i resent him. Not because he has one kidney and my baby died of no kidneys. Not because he has low sperm count. I know he cant help those things. But because everything i wanted in life he took away from me. He took my identity away from me. I stay to myself. I am getting ready to go back to college online. I need this. I need something in my life. I still want another baby so badly. My son will be 10 soon and i feel like it is too late. I dont know if it will ever happen for us because of his low sperm count. I am so depressed. Of course my husband is all loving to me now i cant get this resentment out of my head. I feel like i have been with him for 16 years now so i feel i cant walk away. I should of done it the first time he abused me when we first got married.

 
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Old 09-12-2008, 12:17 PM   #2
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Re: I resent my husband - what do i do.

I can see that you have been through a lot of things since you were a teenager. I don't know your present age, but I would say that in a few years from now you will have a lot of stories to share from your own experiences in life and hopefully you will also be able to give insightful advice.

That said, I am of the opinion, if you care to know, that you should stay with your husband, because he seems to have really changed and become a better person. Although you mention the word "resentment" (and probably it's resentment from both sides: yours and his), I sense there's still a lot of feelings between you and him. Don't throw this away. To a certain extent, resentment will always be there. Actually, we resent even our best friends for very small things they do to us (nobody is perfect), wittingly or not. We also resent our partners, this is quite normal, so I think it's possible to live with someone else, whom you resent more or less, unless the resentment is too big for you to handle and keeps growing all the time. Not your case, is it?

And then you also have your son. I presume he is fond of his father, especially now that his father is treating you well.

As for the second child, it's possible to improve your husband's sperm count with the help of healthful foods and adequate lifestyle, but he must have trust in you before he is willing to attempt anything in this field. Show through your actions rather than through words that you are here to stay, that you want to live with him for the rest of your life, etc. Maybe he will change his mind.

However, it's important for you to understand why you so badly need this second child. Is it a whim or a real, genuine desire? Do you long for this child because you want to bring him or her into this world and give him or her a chance to live well, or do you simply want him or her to cement your marital relationship?

Remember that a small child poses a lot of work and problems, and at least in the first years you won't have much time for anything else, i.e. your online education. What is the first priority in your life? A child or a certificate or both?

You are facing difficult decisions at present, but I am certain that you will find a way-out.

 
Old 09-12-2008, 01:12 PM   #3
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Re: I resent my husband - what do i do.

It is great that your husband has turned things around with your relationship with him! I can see why you would feel resentment towards him though. For the way he made you feel all of those early years in your marriage and when you were pregnant. You know you always have the option of leaving...

I would really think about the present day! How do you feel when he does things for you and holds you and tells you have beautiful you are? Of course, any woman loves to hear this but if all you are is unhappy, then you maybe need to talk to someone and think about the future. Not only for yourself, but for your kids. That is a hard situation and I will be praying for you. I truly believe that people can change and it seems like he has changed for the better but if you are going to resent him for the rest of your life, then maybe you need to get out. Is it something that you are willing to talk to someone professionally about? I wish you the best of luck!

 
Old 09-12-2008, 02:52 PM   #4
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Re: I resent my husband - what do i do.

I personally know how hard it is to leave a bad relationship. I also know what it's like to leave and never return. With that being said you always had the option to leave. I know you tried leaving at times, but you didn't have to keep going back to him.

If you hold resentment I think maybe you hold resentment towards yourself also because you always had that choice to leave. It's not an easy choice, but it's always there.. millions of people have done it. Me included.

I think deep down you do hold some sort of resentment towards him in regards to your last baby. I think you're resentment towards him is because he never wanted that baby and he let you know it. I'm sorry he was like that- I'm pregnant right now and if my bf didn't want this baby I would be devastated. But you did beg and beg for a baby when you already knew what he didn't want.

If he has changed then that's great. It's hard for people to change their negative ways, and if he has than that's an accomplishment. Try to start forgiving, but first go to couples counseling. It can help with unsolved feelings and resentment.

Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 09-12-2008 at 02:53 PM.

 
Old 09-13-2008, 01:54 PM   #5
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Re: I resent my husband - what do i do.

Why are you saying you want to leave now? You gave him chance after chance and finally, now, he's treating you well and loves you and your son. You have been through a lot and even though it hurts to possibly not get to have another child, you have one beautiful, perfect one, and that is more than some people ever have.

It sounds like you kind of blame your husband for not being able to have another baby. I get the feeling that the reason you are talking about leaving him now is because all you can think about is having another baby and you think your chances are better with another man. This is not a healthy reason to leave a relationship. In addition, if you did meet another man, your obsession with having a baby would probably not allow you to form the proper relationship with him.

You've been through a lot and I certainly am not blaming you for how your'e thinking, because there could very well be some post-traumatic stress disorder here from the loss of your baby. It would be wonderful if you could find a counselor that you can really work through some of these feelings with. Family counseling would probably help you too. How is your relationship with your 10-year-old? Is it possible that the loss of his sibling has impacted him too? He probably sees how sad it made you and your grieving has probably taken some of the focus off of him as he has been growing up.

 
Old 09-13-2008, 07:14 PM   #6
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Re: I resent my husband - what do i do.

Hi, I am so sorry to read your post. I understand where you are coming from. Your husband has changed to the better, but meanwhile he has done some damage to your marriage that you can't forgive. He initially didn't want a baby. Then you lost the baby. That must have been excruciatingly painful. Maybe your husband's presence constantly reminds you of this pain. And, now you can't have another baby because of his low sperm count. He can't help it of course, but that doesn't make your desire for another baby less powerful.
I understand your desire to have another child. I think that few men can understand this, but a lot of women can. If you can't conceive, you feel so powerless and feel there is nothing you can do. Well, maybe you can accept that you have one, healthy child and won't have more. Adopting a child is also an option. And, lastly, with today's technology, you can have a baby even if you husband has no sperm at all by using a sperm bank. A lot of people do that, it is fairly inexpensive and it would be your biological baby, but not your husband's. So, there are a few options for you that you and your husband can discuss.

Last edited by negot; 09-13-2008 at 07:15 PM. Reason: spelling

 
Old 09-14-2008, 02:09 AM   #7
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Re: I resent my husband - what do i do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by negot View Post
...
I understand your desire to have another child. I think that few men can understand this, but a lot of women can. If you can't conceive, you feel so powerless and feel there is nothing you can do. ...
Hmm... it's often the other way round - the man wants a child but the woman doesn't. I know, I have been there.
Yes, as for a low sperm count, he can improve it, if only he wants to. It's a function of his current lifestyle. The more stressed he is, the lower his sperm count.

 
Old 09-14-2008, 08:18 AM   #8
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Re: I resent my husband - what do i do.

I think your husband's abusive behavior in the past might very well have killed any love you felt for him. It happens. It is possible to kill love, and when that happens, it can be very hard to revive it. All his sweet behavior now is just too little too late.

But one thing troubles me...his answer when you asked him if he would see about improving his sperm count and he replied "why should I if you're just going to leave me after the baby's born." He still doesn't really want a baby. He would do it to keep you from leaving, but honey, that is SOOOOOOOO the
WRONG reason to have a baby!!!! You should BOTH want it, not to help the marriage and not to keep the other person happy, but because, and ONLY because, you both want another child, you have both built a strong and loving home you are ready to share with another child. Sorry to say, you are not in that place. I totally understand you wanting another child, but I think you would be having one for all the wrong reasons. Your husband still feels you will leave him. Which could explain the super sweet, new behavior. He's not sure he 'has you' back solid. As soon as he feels you're in for the long haul and won't leave, my guess is the abuse would start up again.

Leave having babies out of it for a moment. What about your relationship with him? Do you still love him? Do you still light up when he comes home? Are you glad to see him? Do you consider him a good friend? Do you trust him? These questions need to be answered and dealt with before you start thinking about bringing another child into the mix. Remember, your husband is your son's primary model of how to be a man. He, and any other children you have, will learn about men from him.

 
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