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Old 09-12-2008, 05:33 PM   #1
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cant help feeling this way

hi guys

im nes to this board but used to write on another board as i suffer with depression...
ive been seeing a guy for a while and when i am feeling happy we can have loads of fun together... but since actually agreeing that we are now in a relationship i have become so needy of his attention and love all the time. i understand that i am a needy person and get dissappointed way too easily when he doesnt act the way i want him to... but i get so so low and anxious about it. He does think the world of me and tells me im great, but i dont always feel it in the way he acts. ive been used to having boyfriends that are completely in love with me, to the point of being soppy.. cuddly all the time and needy of me too i guess... but while thats been nice for a while i end up bored and 'dumping' them. i cant seem to win and wonder if i will ever find that balance? The guy im seeing now tries to tell me im being silly and even shouted once that i need 100% attention, and hes probably right... i just wana know how to stop being so needy! My self esteem goes up and down all the time i cant seem to feel balanced in myself... one day im really confident and dont care about people as much as i do when im feeling needy - i hate being like that.... i feel like a horrible person for it... only being that nice to people when i need them... and i guess i act like that with my boyfriend and i feel really selfish for it...

i guess i just wanna know that there are others out ther who get what im saying. My boyfriend does care about me and he is a good person who i think would be there for me in times of need.... maybe i need to keep reminding myself of that but i forget to do that and find myself feeling like crap! as an example...we went for breakfast the other morning which i was really looking forward to but he spent all of it on the phone, arguing with people about money he owes them (mainly because his circle of friends all do drugs and money flies around in those circles and arguments go on... this is a source of anxiety for me and i wonder if i really want to be involved with someone in that situation but then i think well he is a good person... but then i cant help feeling down about it again...) anyway, so i satr there not talking, then he gets the paper out and i sit there feeling completely ignored and he has no clue how i feel! it annoys me that he isnt very sensitive sometimes and cant tell when im down or in a mood....

i anylise everything, from other people to myself obsessively - i dont know why i cant be at peace with myself but something wont let me like me....

sorry to go on, i just needed to vent i guess...

thanks for reading

bubbly

 
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Old 09-13-2008, 04:41 PM   #2
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Re: cant help feeling this way

I beg your pardon, but is your boyfriend involved with drug traffickers? That could be very serious and you as his girlfriend could be in danger, too. I suppose you are quite aware of this, but I just couldn't help mentioning it.

As for your "problem"... Well, I don't see much of a problem here. I think you are still young and certainly you will become more self-confident over time, thanks to the various experiences in your life. I would read into your neediness the need to be recognized (as a person), if you see what I mean. Deny it as we may, all of us want some kind of recognition, at least from the people we are closely associated with, and of course from ourselves

A person can be recognized by her beauty, intelligence, or personality. However, the best kind of recognition comes from your doing things, whatever, and certainly from doing them well. Incidentally, this is the best way for you to gain or improve self-esteem.

Find something you would like to do. That is your goal. This could be anything, from learning a foreign language to becoming a juggler. Now do your best to achieve your goal. Don't give up too soon. You will need focus and discipline. Maybe you will never master that foreign tongue entirely, maybe you will never be an infallible juggler, but what really counts is your efforts to do it, even if not everybody will recognize and appreciate them.

I think this will possibly help you overcome your depression, increase your self-esteem, your self-knowledge and improve your romantic relationships (you will appear to be less needy) and enable you to make better choices in this area.

These are my two cents.

 
Old 09-22-2008, 11:31 AM   #3
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Re: cant help feeling this way

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
I beg your pardon, but is your boyfriend involved with drug traffickers? That could be very serious and you as his girlfriend could be in danger, too. I suppose you are quite aware of this, but I just couldn't help mentioning it.

As for your "problem"... Well, I don't see much of a problem here. I think you are still young and certainly you will become more self-confident over time, thanks to the various experiences in your life. I would read into your neediness the need to be recognized (as a person), if you see what I mean. Deny it as we may, all of us want some kind of recognition, at least from the people we are closely associated with, and of course from ourselves

A person can be recognized by her beauty, intelligence, or personality. However, the best kind of recognition comes from your doing things, whatever, and certainly from doing them well. Incidentally, this is the best way for you to gain or improve self-esteem.

Find something you would like to do. That is your goal. This could be anything, from learning a foreign language to becoming a juggler. Now do your best to achieve your goal. Don't give up too soon. You will need focus and discipline. Maybe you will never master that foreign tongue entirely, maybe you will never be an infallible juggler, but what really counts is your efforts to do it, even if not everybody will recognize and appreciate them.

I think this will possibly help you overcome your depression, increase your self-esteem, your self-knowledge and improve your romantic relationships (you will appear to be less needy) and enable you to make better choices in this area.

These are my two cents.

 
Old 09-22-2008, 11:38 AM   #4
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Re: cant help feeling this way

Pendulum

Thank you so much for your reply. It reminded me of how helpful i found this board when i first started suffering with depression a few years ago

Your advice was very good... i do often think that finding some sort of focus is what i need for myself... i do think i have some chemical imbalance but i guess all i can do is try my best to cope with every day. I am actually concentrating on buying my own cafe - some people, like my dad, do worry that i wouldnt be able to cope with the stress and i do fear this myself but on the other hand i cant go through life not rising to any challenges. I like to paint and make things too so maybe i should try concentrate on this a bit more.. thing is when you feel depressed its hard to do anything.. but i'll try.
As for my boyf... we actually decided to be just friends last week... and we seem to get on better that way. Although i have slept with him still and i guess in a way we are still spending too much time together like a couple, just without the label. Its hard, i know he isnt right for me yet see myself still spending time with him... i dont know. i guess i just like the company. As for the drug trafficking, i do see your concern but its not going to be any harm to me. He isnt heavily involved in it atall.... he just hangs out in a group of people that do take drugs for recreational purposes, but to be honest i dont know many people who dont! i dont get involved with drugs myself... he just sells them now and then when he is hard up on cash - i know it does sound terrible but i have no involvement in it atall and dont see how i would suffer from it... i keep myself very seperate from it. Anyway- thank you for your concern and your helpful advice.

Take care

Bubbly

 
Old 09-22-2008, 11:50 AM   #5
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Re: cant help feeling this way

Maybe you need to seek the aid of a mental health therapist that can evaluate what is going on with you and help you work your way through it. Wouldn't it be nice to just feel 'normal'? you need help good luck.

 
Old 09-22-2008, 12:01 PM   #6
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Re: cant help feeling this way

Just be careful, the police aren't going to bother to find out if you are involved, or that your boyfriend only sells drugs "now and then". To say there's no way you could suffer from it is not quite true. It's still illegal and it would be a terrible thing to have a drug conviction on your record. Just so you know I'm not being an alarmist, a friend of mine was studying to be a schoolteacher. Her boyfriend was an occasional drug user and was arrested for possession. She happened to be in the car with him and she was also arrested. She was fired from her job as a student teacher, was blacklisted from any kind of teaching job, and ended up dropping out of school because no school will ever hire her.

I'm concerned for you, I hope it all works out for you.

 
Old 09-22-2008, 05:37 PM   #7
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Re: cant help feeling this way

i know - and thanks for your concern.
as for seeing a therapist, and that i need help, and "wouldnt it be nice to feel normal" i could laugh and cry at those comments... i have seen therapists on and off for the last 5 years... and havent quite felt normal for any of them...thats just what i have to deal with until i can find a magic cure!
Thanks for your replies

 
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