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Old 09-12-2008, 04:51 PM   #1
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Newbie needing advice

Hi all,

I am 23 i have been married since 2003 (i was 18) we started dating in 2002 6 years ago. There's abit of background for you now to my problem im hoping someone can enlighten me on.

Before i met my now husband (ill call him Phil) i had dated this guy in school (i'll call him Mitch) we dated for 2 years and he was my first love i broke up with him about 6 months before i met Phil. It was either just before or just after i got married to Phil that i started having recurring dreams about Mitch - i told Phil of this and he was fine - said i just needed to think about my future with him and the feelings will pass. They did which was good.

{removed} So we decided to meet up for lunch - Hubby phil knows all of this and he was fine with it. So Mitch n I met up and it bought up all my old feelings for him and now i can't stop thinking about him. When we hugged goodbye i didn't want to let him go and i just wanted to kiss him. He told me in an email that he felt the same and it's weird cos he was sure he was over me also. I want to see him again but at the same time i'm not sure i would trust myself with him and he said the same to me.

I've probably answered my own question and that would be to cut all communication off with Mitch and just be happy that the past is the past and i have a future to look forward to but..................i can't stop thinking about Mitch.

Any advise????

iamme

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 09-18-2008 at 11:52 AM. Reason: Do not mention other websites. Read & Follow our rules! Thank you!

 
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Old 09-13-2008, 08:12 AM   #2
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Re: Newbie needing advice

Yes, absolutely: you have already answered your own question. The best advice is for you to stay away from Mitch, not only because you are married now (and it wouldn't be fair to your husband), but also because - as the other posters usually say - there is a reason for Mitch to be an ex.

Yet, you don't tell us why you broke up with Mitch in the first place. Could it be the case that you married Phil because you meant to take revenge on Mitch or because you were desperate to fill the void? You don't mention love for Phil, unless we are to read this between the lines. Maybe he is just a strong person that makes you feel safe, but you are not really emotionally attached to him. By the way, the fact that he accepts your meeting with Mitch, doesn't worry about those dreams etc, appears somewhat strange to me. If you were my wife, I would be concerned. LOL Is Phil so self-confident, so liberal, so nonchalant, so detached, so aloof a husband, that whatever happens he is sure you will always be there for him in the end? I wonder what kind of relationship you have with him. Are you intimate enough? How would you react if you knew he were in touch with an ex or other women?

I guess I should have written only the first paragraph in this post. The second paragraph (a digression?) may have made your "problem" look bigger and more serious than it really is. It is not only a problem with Mitch, but also with Phil.

Anyway, now you get the floor. Please, speak up.

Last edited by pendulum; 09-13-2008 at 08:13 AM.

 
Old 09-13-2008, 08:43 AM   #3
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Re: Newbie needing advice

It seems you really don't have a basis for comparision when it comes to the opposite sex, so of course when an ex comes around, it stirs up all of these emotions all over again. No one ever wants to admit it, but as blissful as we might be in our current relationship, we always want to know how an ex is doing, or we get that butterflies in the stomach feeling whenever we happen to come across an ex. I don't know if it happens to men that way, but I'd sure like to find out.

Truth be told however, after all this time, people change and while you are thinking that all these feelings have come back, maybe it's just the "what if" factor that's really driving your impulses. You might want to look into the future for a second and realistically imagine what would happen if you and mitch were to get together. You obviously married Phil for a reason, and you might want to wonder if a past teenage love affair is really worth jeopardizing what seems to be a pretty significant relationship now.

 
Old 09-13-2008, 09:41 AM   #4
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Re: Newbie needing advice

You left out one HUGE, big piece of the puzzle here - how is your relationship with your husband? Do you love him passionately? Did you ever? WHY did you marry so young, because you were head over heels in love or because you got pregnant and "had" to? Does your relationship with your husband make you feel loved, fulfilled, satisfied, cherished, supported, valued, wanted, or is it lacking in some way? That's where you need to start. It could be you're just temporarily bored and the ex stirred up feelings of carefree youth that you missed and had nothing at all to do with real feelings you had for the actual man Mitch and you could be endangering a wonderful marriage and betraying the love of a good man for the sake of fleeting feelings of butterflies and youthful passion. And maybe you need to work on communication with your husband and work on the marriage a little bit. OR, it could be you married the wrong man for all the wrong reasons and Mitch is the one you really belong with after all. There's no way to know on the information you gave us. But think long and hard about what you have, what you'd be risking or giving up, versus what you could be getting in return if you indulged in these feelings for Mitch.

 
Old 09-16-2008, 04:14 PM   #5
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Re: Newbie needing advice

Hi, thanks all for your words - i guess i did leave out huge chunks when i wrote this i was so confused within myself my thoughts were so up and down.

I married Phil we were passionately in love and now i couldn't imagine life without him, when i did meet Phil i was 'over' Mitch. my husband and i have an awesome marriage, commitment to each other and trust one another, we talk about everything (i guess except this) and have an excellent sex life. He does get jealous sometimes, but at the same time wants to trust me hence he let me catch up with an ex boyfriend. In regards to the dreams that i had Phil was pretty upset but we talked through it and after discussing it with him and me telling him that i didn't have any feelings for Mitch (which i beleived i didn't) i stopped having the dreams.

The first time Mitch and i dated he was never around and always smoking pot, he then cheated on me. I broke it off because he was always with his mates and not commited - but what commitment could i ask for at 14? About a year later we started seeing each other again this time the relationship was the other way around he was really into me, i never gave him a reason for breaking up with him the 2nd time, even as i write this i can't remember why i did.

I think as you all have posted that seeing Mitch just bought up these feelings, after that email conversation we haven't spoken or messaged since and the feelings that had come up have started to slowly dissappear. You know i think it might have been me thinking 'what if' and 'i wonder'. I guess also he has changed so much since we dated, he is such a better person now. When we met up last week he actually said to me that he'd changed not long after we broke up but it was too late he'd already 'lost' me as a girlfriend.

i truly love Phil and i value the commitments and promises we made in our vows 5 years ago. i know there is no good in having affairs and i wouldn't want to hurt Phil like that. Hmmm i don't know if i should tell him about these feelings he'll be pretty angry that i didn't tell him earlier that i lied to him. I have lied to Phil once before and we almost seperated this was before we were engaged, i lied about talking to a guy alot at work.

You're probably thinking this 23 year old girl has no idea what she's thinking or doing and you know what i don't. But thats ok cos i have more mature people giving me some words of encouragement to help me stay on track and value what i have a loving, devoted passionate husband.

Confusing much - YES

 
Old 09-16-2008, 04:19 PM   #6
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Re: Newbie needing advice

It's time to break off contact with "Mitch"! I will say it again and again...it's not a good idea for people in a marriage or a serious relationship to try and be friends with the opposite sex! Unless of course it's someone that you couldn't possibly imagine yourself being sexual with!

 
Old 09-16-2008, 05:26 PM   #7
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Re: Newbie needing advice

Mitch was thinking of only himself back then as he is doing in the present.

 
Old 09-16-2008, 08:05 PM   #8
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Re: Newbie needing advice

You obviously have a good relationship with your husband if you were able to discuss the dreams you had about Mitch and also that you were meeting him for lunch. You've got to give you and your husband credit for that - lots of other people would sneak around to do this so there is obviously a reason that you felt ok to tell your husband about this stuff. Now, that being said, you've got to respect that trust and stop any further contact with Mitch or it will be violating your husband's trust. I know it's easier for me to say this than it may be for you to do it but this could merely be the thrill of seeing your first love and of course you get caught up in the memories -- that's why we shouldn't see "that guy" once we're married! You've been married for a few years now so it's easy to see why the excitement of seeing Mitch is there...just remember that if you meet up with him again and something happens there is no turning back at that point. Would it be worth it to lose Phil over that? It would be easier to keep Mitch in the past and it should make you feel pretty good to know that it was your decision to keep him there.

Last edited by luckydarlin; 09-16-2008 at 08:05 PM.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 07:18 AM   #9
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Re: Newbie needing advice

It sounds to me that you do have a good, strong marriage and this thing with Mitch was just fleeting feelings of youth gone by, we all have them, we see something from the past and we wax nostalgic and think about 'the good old days' and what might have been. But it's never worth losing or risking something really good that we've got going on in the present.

The only thing I would say is perhaps you need to communicate with your husband a little more about his jealousy. I guess I can kind of understand his getting upset about you lying about the dream, but getting upset because you're talking to a male co-worker "too much?" What's too much? I could be off the mark here, but it sounds just a little bit controlling, and maybe another reason why this thing with Mitch. Maybe you feel a little controlled and suffocated over his watchful eye. Does that sound like a possibility? I mean, yes, you have to earn and deserve trust, but trust has to given, truly given, at some point, yes? Do you feel trusted? I mean, no one can live a whole life walking on egg shellls worrying about what might make their spouse mad all the time. What's your take on that?

 
Old 09-18-2008, 12:58 AM   #10
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Re: Newbie needing advice

Thanks again everyone i am feeling so much better now...i believe it is as you say that seeing a person from the past has bought up the memories. I sit here now thinking im not even fussed to see Mitch again. I have also had a few awesome days with Phil and shown to him why i love him so much.

The ex co-worker was pretty bad and if the table was turned i would've walked out on Phil - it took us a good few months for me to gain Phil's trust. I lied about speaking and seeing this ex co worker and wasn't until i got caught eating lunch with him that i admitted i'd developed a crush on the guy. Phil always asked if i liked him or spent any extra time with him and i always denied it. Phil came to surprise me at work by having lunch with me but i was already at lunch with this co worker. All phil wanted was for me to tell the truth and i failed in that so when he caught me he was very hurt and wondering what else i'd been doing behind his back - which i assured all was nothing.

Hence when i started having those dreams years ago i told him straight away and he was better that i'd told him. And when i started chatting to Mitch he was fine.

"just remember that if you meet up with him again and something happens there is no turning back at that point. Would it be worth it to lose Phil over that" posted by lucky darlin - definately not worth it and i realise that even when just after i saw Mitch and had those feelings i didn't want to act on them but the idea to was pretty strong, again i think it was just the 'i wonder' and remembering the time we did have together in the past the good and bad memories.

For now i am all good thanks so much you have all helped me realise what i value and love, i feel confortable to say that i'm not thinking of Mitch currently as anything but the past. I think i might tell Phil that seeing Mitch bought up these feelings but hopefully he can understand that it was just a thing and nothing that i acted on. As they say actions speak louder than words.

I can't promise that i will break up all contact with Mitch but i will definately keep my husband in mind when i message/email Mitch.

Going to make sweet sweet love to my husband now.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 08:43 PM   #11
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Re: Newbie needing advice

I see you still think about keeping your options open about Mitch. He will see this and try later to be with you.

 
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