A long time ago I posted about a guy I had met and really fell for him. I saw 1 red flag and it was my choice to ignore it and let it go to see what would happen. Looking back almost 1-1/2 years ago, I should have followed my gut instinct but I didn't.
I will be 52 years old and I have been married twice. I became very ill over 10 years ago and lived alone all that time. When I became better over 2 years ago I was curious about the dating scene and figured what did I have to lose by joining a site and going out on a couple of dates?
Long story short: I met a guy who is extremely handsome, charming, disabled (so I felt sorry for him) and had (past tense) lots of compassion for him since I was so ill. I tend to rescue people I think..
In any case, now it's almost 1-1/2 years later and our relationship has been a rollercoaster. We are both the same age but I find him childest, he keeps a score card of what he does for me (I don't feed into that even though I have done plenty for him, just not monetary). I have given him so much of my time where it took away from my work.
My house is a huge burden on me now and that alone is stressing me out. He moved in with me a couple of months ago and his money really helps me. The problem is I am so used to having my space and I am not getting it so I feel resentful. He does nothing except watch TV, read books, or visit his female friend that he has known for over 20 years.
He has his own computer and my original idea was for him to hook his computer upstairs so I can do my work and have some space. He doesn't want to do that.
He also expects me to cook for him every night (I actually enjoy cooking) so I'm not complaining about that.
I know this guy has mental problems, I'm just not sure exactly what they are since I have never been exposed to this kind of behavior before.
Yesterday we both decided to go for a long drive to get out of the house. We did. He already knows his choice of music gives me anxiety yet he plays it anyway. He was speeding and driving crazy and I said to him "You are scaring me" but he kept driving that way.
I know I am going through perimenopause and I am extra sensitive right now. My hormones are all over the place. But isn't that a lack of consideration on his part to drive so fast when I related to him that he is giving me anxiety?
There is alot more but I don't want to write a book right now. I really thought he was the one for me just when I thought I would never, ever get involved again on a serious basis.
I will say this: In the past I would never let anyone made me feel bad about myself but this guys knows how to press my buttons and doubt myself. So I am feeling really angry at both myself and him...
If I sound confused it is because I am confused..
I feel like I really got myself in a mess and I don't need this extra anxiety in my life.
Yeah it's a big mess but what are you asking? Have you tried to get him to move out and he won't or what? If you want to know what you should do, my answer is kick the so and so out of YOUR house before he claims it as his own!!!!! You aren't married to him so I don't see why you can't break up with him!
there are a few points that are still unclear to me. You say his money has been useful to you, or something. What does that mean? Does he pay you a rent? You also say that his mail still goes to his old place. Does that mean that if he leaves your place then he has somewhere else to go and stay?
You were married twice. I don't think you are a widow. Probably you divorced twice. That could mean you have some experience with physical separation, or not?
You say you are confused, or do you mean to say you afraid to take action? Afraid of some reaction from him?
I agree with Beatrade that it is difficult to drive someone out of your place. In your case, this man may feel entitled to staying in. You may need an eviction order or whatever they call it. I was once about to get one for a foreign person who was staying in my house, but fortunately at the last meoment he made up his mind to leave. I don't know how easy or difficult it is to procure an eviction order, but it would certainly help you if you knew someone in the police.
From your description of him, I don't think he respects you and I think he is an abuser. The fact that he is extremely handsome and charmful doesn't count really. Not at all.
Sunnyrise, if you can't persuade him to leave your place (at best allow him some time until he can do it, but be firm), if you are even afraid of asking him, then you must ask someone else's help and support. He is not going to change (but on the contrary...), and it seems you are better alone than with this person. You are probably a loner, but possibly you have friends or relatives. So please talk to them and allow them to help you, as soon as you will decide what to do.
No, he is always running away to his female friend, I would have no problem getting rid of him. He leeches on to his friend who my sister said is his "Mommy" which I guess she is, I never met her so I don't know. I do know that they have been friends for over 20 years. He feels secure with her but not with me. She has lots of money and whenever I bring her up, he defends her to the end.
I guess what I am really asking is I need to understand what really happened here. How did I get fooled or manipulated into this relationship? I thought I was too smart for that.
I saw a handsome charming man with excellent manners who was highly intelligent (something I need), a great sense of humor (I am too serious). We both suffer from bad anxiety, in so many ways we are so much alike it's scary.
I'm no angel, I have my mood swings and could put more into my work. I am very stubborn and that gets in the way when he is trying to be nice. I probably need to see a therapist.
The difference between him and myself is that I don't lie, play games, or hurt people. This relationship started with a lie on his end and he continued to lie to me which made me react and become furious, something I am not used to feeling. I am basically a peaceful person who likes to be alone, loves animals, I am not needy. I always said I prefer animals over people, unconditional love...
But I met him and fell hard for him and deep down inside there was a huge conflict going on inside of me. My heart wanted him but my logical told me to stay away from him after 4 weeks of knowing him. He charmed me, pampered me, etc. and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.
Why did I fall for this? I say to myself perhaps because I was alone for too many years and I loved the attention.
Then he would suddenly fall into a depression and I would get concerned and try to talk to him about it... He would tell me that he is not spending enough time with his female friend and he felt guilty. So that caused more problems as he would leave me so go stay with her. He lives with her even though he had his own apartment where he never spent one night alone because he's scared of being alone. He has phobia's as well as other problems.
I know that no one is perfect. I learned alot from my past 2 marriages. But what I will not tolerate and I have tolerated (shame on me) is putting up with his lies (well, I had to catch him at those lies) so now he knows I am on to him and can't get away with too much.
We broke up several times and just when I detached myself from him emotionally, he would worm himself back into my life (I allowed it) saying all those charming and loving words, talking marriage, etc. I realize now it was all bull and not sincere but pure manipulation...
This is not a healthy relationship and I guess the time has come for me to accept this fact and end it for good. I rode the rollercoaster for too long and I am tired of it. I had enough. I deserve better. I deserve to feel peace again. To feel like my old self again... Yes, I had good times, it wasn't all bad.. But when a man starts to scare me with his reckless driving, playing music he knows I hate, then I know all he cares about is himself.
That's a hard pill for me to swalllow. I can't believe people can be that self-absorbed or selfish..
So I am going through a transition of accepting realities now and I need some support...
Sunny, it sounds like you know that you need to end this relationship. It really doesn't sound like a healthy one and the man sounds like an abuser. It is abusive to play music he knows makes you anxious and to drive in a way that makes you anxious, especially after you tell him not to. It is better to be alone than with someone like him because at least you will have your peace.
Try to get him to move out of your house. I just want to give you one advice. Except for paying you rent for living in your house, do not allow him to pay anything else, like property tax or any other expense connected to the house. If he does, you may get yourself into big problems regarding your house.
Let him go live with his "mommy." It sounds to me like he is wanting his cake and eat it too. You did fine without him before, you can certainly do it again. If you want to make him mad enough to move out, I guess id push his bottons about the lady friend. Maybe that will make him angry and he'll leave. Dont beat yourself up for trying to be a nice person. He has huge issues, and you dont need any more stress. Youll find someone who appreciaptes you and doesnt have to have someone to control and feed his huge fat ego.
Sunny- he sounds like a user. Unfortunately, those scums of the earth exists everywhere. They know how to push our buttons to get their way because they have learned to play with people's emotions. he is a freeloader, using his handicap to have it easy.
It does not sound like he makes you happy in a way that couples should make one another happy. This woman that he keeps running to is a concern. Seems like his loyalties lie more with her. Yet it appears that she is on to his games and will not take him in. If she was that good of a friend, you would think so.
Anyway, I am rambling because I am annoyed with this other woman that he keeps defending to you. You should just pack his things up for him and ask him where he would like them delivered? What is his choice of destination? Would he like a couple of packages of peanuts to go? Bon voyage!
You have the power, Sunny. Take back control of your life and open the opportunity for someone who will treat you better. Life is too short to spend with jerks.
Pendulum, yes, for the past couple of months he(let's call him "Jay") has paid me rent which has helped me out tremendously as I am in trouble with my financial obligations with my house. He pays all of his bills on the computer. His friend, let's call her "Mary" is his Mommy, his security, his long term friend and he is loyal to her because she has been there for him through rough times and he has been there for her as well. It's a shame they didn't fall in love and have a romantic relationship but he only cares about Mary as a friend. My gut feeling is that Mary would love Jay to live with her and devote his life to her. Mary hates any female that Jay gets involved with. She won't allow Jay to bring anyone to her house, etc. So that causes friction.
In all honesty, when Jay does visit Mary I am relieved because I have space to myself.
Jay is welcome at Mary's house no matter what and I know she gets upset when he is with me.
If I really want Jay out of my life in which I am seriously thinking about as I am looking at the big picture, that would not be a problem. I know how to push his buttons or he just may leave on his own if you read on.. Sorry this is long.
I'm not afraid of any reactions from Jay. I am afraid that I won't make it financially without his help but the tradeoff is his mood swings and bouts of depression (he can't help it and see's doctors for his problems). He told me straight out about all his problems when we first met.
Looking back, we both put all of our cards on the table and he was honest about everything except Mary. He had first told me that she was his landlady because he was afraid to tell me the truth for fear I would not see him again. He was right, I wouldn't have seen him again. I would have told him to take a hike. Does that excuse his lie? No. Jay suffers from phobia's which I can relate to as I suffer from them as well.
Jay is not as strong as me, he has lived a very sheltered life, and before his accident where he was crushed between 2 trucks (that messed up his back and knee, he was in a wheelchair for 3 years) he functioned like a normal human being, sometimes working 2 or 3 jobs. He has one daughter from a previous marriage who he is very close with.
Then he meets me, a person who has been out of the relationship scene for over 10 years and is struggling with finances. He couldn't believe the stories I told him about how I have lived and survived. I thought he could handle my problems but I believe it's too overwhelming for him and causes him great anxiety. I know this sounds like excuses for him but I like to show both sides of the story.
He is in conflict about my situation and has even said to me that he doesn't know if he can handle it. I guess that's where the speeding came in and terrible music. Before he moved in with me I had asked him "Jay, do you really think you can handle my situation?" He thought he could but now he is having doubts and just may leave on his own. He recently said to me if he didn't love me so much he wouldn't be involved with me at all because of all the stress. He said he cares about my problems but he feels helpless as he is not a rich man.
Honest? I am no angel and have done terrible things to him during our relationship. I'm sure if he was the one to post about me, everyone would tell him to get rid of me! I have pushed him away, send e-mails to his friend Mary, I really did stupid things which I regret. So I react.
I am afraid I am left with some damage from my illness (I had a chronic bacterial infection) and it has effected my brain. I have not seen any doctors lately to confirm this and I think I should have this checked out. The old me would never do crazy things or react the way I have.
Is he abusive? I researched verbal abuse and according to what I read, no, he really isn't. Yes, he was speeding and I dramatized about that because I was in a horrible car accident when I was 17 years old when I almost died and I have my own phobia's as well as suffer from PTSD. He is an excellent driver but he was driving too fast and there is no excuse for that, especially when I told him to stop driving fast.
I dont know what I am going to do now. I know I need to sell my house to get these financial stressors off my back, with or without him. Funny, I always thought men were stronger compared to women but I am finding out that I am the stronger one in this relationship.
No matter what angle I look my own personal situation, it is very stressful and something I don't need. The answer is to sell my house and live in another state where the cost of living is much lower (I want to move to Vermont where my best friend lives with her family). I live in a very expensive city and I just can't afford it anymore.
He has told me that he has no problem paying me rent but he looks at the future and my financial situation and he is very worried, well, I am worried too.
I had a long talk with my older brother yesterday who has met Jay several times as well as other family members and he thinks we should not break up because we really love each. He thinks that the financial pressures I have are effecting our relationship and causing too much stress.
Jay wants me to take some action and start cleaning out the clutter from my house which I have not been doing. If I want to sell my house I need to go through my personal things and sort things out and I feel too overwhelmed by how much clutter I have (especially during the 10 years I was very sick and let everything build up).
Once again, I think I should go see a therapist. I am just overwhelmed with everything beginning with my own financial problems. When Jay and I are getting along we both want the same thing, to live a stress free life (we both know having some spats are normal) without the extra burdens of my financial problems. To enjoy life as we both enjoy the same things. When I take away the my financial problems out of the equation, we get along great. I never met anyone like Jay and to be honest, I never loved a man the way I love him.
My mind is filled with all sorts of overwhelming thoughts, should I do this, should I do that? Part of me feels guilty because Jay didn't just take on a girlfriend, he also took on my problems. So he reacts when it gets too rough just like I react. We are both passionate and intense people.
My instincts tell me that once I get my act together I will probably miss him very much if I decide to really let him go for good. He did not create my problems.. He just happened to get caught in my whirlwind if that makes any sense... I think any other man would have run away from me as fast as they could but Jay has stood by me and that must say something.. Obviously, I am confused.
Yes this is somewhat confusing: in your first post Jay is described as childlike, a mental case and an abuser or at least a potential abuser. Now, he appears to be a considerate (albeit weak) person, a victim rather than a jerk. You probably have mixed feelings for him, right?
It's difficult to tell you what to do, but I am convinced that you must get rid of that clutter. Please start as soon as possible. You won't be addressing the problem that made you post here in the first place (to be with Jay or not to be Jay), but possibly tidying up and cleaning will take a burden off your shoulders and give you a clearer thought.
I won't be too surprised to hear that after this huge operation gets done you will have the heart to deal with Jay (and be dealt by him) in a more mature way.
And by the way, if you separate from him, who said it must be for ever? Maybe only until you and he are sure of what you want to do together and have agreed to change where you have to change.
sunny....you need to trust your gut this time!
your brother thinks you should stay with him......your brother doesn't live with him, doesn't know the whole story.
I think if you stay with him you're settling......
let him go with his mom/friend.......I wouldn't be surprised if that was his wife.....have you ever checked?
can you get a roommate to help financially or a part time job?
this guy is no good for you
Well he (Jay) is out of my house and back with his friend "Mary". I had enough of him. Last week we stopped at a market to buy food and I wanted a bag of chips and he make a big deal saying I had to buy it. I am the one who has done all the cooking, etc., etc.
He cursed me in the market which shocked me. He said the F word to me which he never did before. I always knew he was emotionally unstable but I never saw this side of him. Very scary!
When we got back to my house I told him not to talk to me and leave me alone. He slept on the couch that night and the next day he was trying to act nice but I wouldn't buy it. Again I told him to leave me alone. Then he said in a nice voice "want me to leave you alone for a few days?" I said "Yes, please"... He left.
That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I had it. Enough is enough already. I question my own sanity, I really do. I am kicking myself for being so stupid when I saw the red flags in the very beginning and didn't follow my gut instincts..
Who ever said love is blind knew what they were talking about.
He has no idea that I don't want to see him ever again. Not yet. I blocked him from contacting me. His furniture is here at my house and when I am ready, I guess I have to contact him to tell him to arrange to get his things. He will need a moving truck. Not my problem.
It feels so good to be alone again. Yes, I am very worried about my finances, but I guess I will figure something out. I hate asking my mother for help since I am an older adult. My mother has money but she loves her money and hates to part with it (that's the way she has always been).
So that's the update. I hope I don't have any days where I miss him. If I do, I just have to remember how he cursed at me, especially in a public place.
If I feel like I am getting weak, I will post here for some support. This man is no good and yes, I guess he is an abuser and a manipulator as well as a liar.
I am staying strong and I still don't miss him to the point where I want to talk to him. Even though I have him blocked from contacting me, he has contacted me through my business (I can't block him from that). He has no idea if I read his messages as that is the way my business is set up. I have not answered him.
After reading some other articles and posts, I now believe he suffers from BPD and perhaps I should buy a book called "Stop walking on eggshells" or if anyone has any other suggestions for a good book for me to read, it may help me. I am the type of person who needs closure.
I realize that I allowed him to make me feel the bad one or better yet, very confused, hence, I have been making excuses for him. He is a liar, manipulator and I caught him almost every time he lied to me which caused us to break up so much because I would confront him which caused him to run away. He can't handle confrontations... He is an escape artist.
If he does have BPD, does he know it? He once said to me "I'm a very complicated person" and I knew he meant mentally/emotionally. He also said he may have AD??, some kind of other disorder.
In any case, whatever he has (and he has something) he is not seeking out the right therapies or doctors (he sees people that he can manipulate). He is on the Fentanyl patch and takes Vicodins for his so called "back pain" and I was always suspicious of that too, meaning, did he really have that accident? Was that another lie? He had a very good male friend who told him he thought "Jay" was faking it. Ever since then, "Jay" stopped being friends with this guy. Whenever I ask him questions about his "accident", he gets defensive or never went into any real details... hmmmmmm....
He uses a cane whenever he is outside, but once inside my house (in the past, not now), he never used a cane. He has lifted me up, carried heavy things, etc. I thought a person with a bad back couldn't do those things.
So everything is a lie, right? Wow, I am one naive person who believed him because I wanted to think he was a good person.
Yes, I have moments when I think of the times we had together that were beautiful but then I change my thinking to when he cursed me out in the market and lied to me, that keeps me strong.
Soon I will have to contact him to tell him to hire a moving truck to get his stuff and heavy furniture out of my house. I'm not afraid of that, I'm afraid of his manipulating ways as he knows how to press my buttons.