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Old 09-13-2008, 06:48 PM   #1
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Loving two men

This sort of ties into my previous topic about being upset over my best friend moving away.

I am quite sure I love my friend. Not as just a good friend, but I would likely be happy dating him. The problem is I already have a boyfriend, and while I know I love my boyfriend, I still have these feelings of love toward my friend. I think I love them both because they each represent a part I desire in a significant other. My boyfriend is pretty down-to-earth and a typical working man/casual gamer. My best friend is quite eccentric and isn't afraid to be weird. BF is mature, and BestFriend, while mature, also has a sense of playfulness about him that I admire. And the two of them also share certain traits...both are kind, gentle and loving. Both have a great sense of humor and both love me in return (yes, my friend has told me he loves me, and no, my feelings did not spawn from hearing his confession).

Another thing that really turns me on about my friend is that I think there is a higher probability of him remaining childless in his life, while my boyfriend wants children someday. I do not. I realize this is a dealbreaker, but I have left it up to my BF to decide if I am more important to him than sufficing a biological urge. I have not gotten an answer yet, but I intend to get one should BF decide to propose.

I know I love my friend. We aren't dating, but I get so jealous when other women hit on him...and honestly, he gets jealous when other men - how few they may be - make moves on me. I could envision marrying either of these two men.

The problem is I don't know what my heart wants. I want them both in my life, but I know my heart will be broken in irreparable ways should my friend find himself a partner. I have told him how I feel, and I have also told him to not abstain from a relationship just because of my screwed-up feelings. I also told him to just not tell me if he meets a girl when he moves away, because I think I may seriously go crazy. The thought of any woman touching him makes me see red, and this seems so irrational because we aren't even dating! It's insane!

I don't know what to do. A little part if me is actually hoping my BF decides children are more important and wants to find someone else, but I know I'd also be hurting if I lost him because I do very much love him. Every time I think about possibly losing my friend or my BF to some other woman, I get teary-eyed.

Has anyone else ever been in this situation? If so, what did you do? How did you decide who to pursue? I feel like an awful person having these thoughts about someone else while dating my BF, but I can't help it. It is clear my friend fills a void that my BF leaves open, but the opposite is also true -- BF fills a void that my friend leaves open.

 
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Old 09-14-2008, 05:32 AM   #2
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Re: Loving two men

dark stranger i am in the same boat except its loving a man and a woman at the same time.. In your situation i think your friend sounds better to be with.. My situation is crazy, because my ex gf robbed me and is a high school drop out, and i am the total opposite of her.. I also have a bf too for the past 6years. read my thread on here.. Want to have a bf and gf thread... I feel for you its very hard to choose, because in my eyes 2 people make me whole, not just 1... for me i need a woman and man to make me full fill all my desires.. I am a lot like you.. In your situation who treats you better. WHo is more established? I am not sure if i can have kids eaither.. i have polycsytic ovarian disease, and i know my bf wants kids.. ME and you are in the same boat with choosing.. I say follow your heart..

 
Old 09-14-2008, 05:45 AM   #3
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Re: Loving two men

I can't offer any useful advice but I will just say that I have been in that situation and anyone that says that you cannot love two people at one time just simply has not ever experienced it! I too would have said that you can't love two people at once before it actually happened in my life! That is why it is so important to not let yourself get involved with a person of the opposite sex when you are in a marriage or a committed relationship! That is why I am soooo opposed to opposite sex friendships! It happens out of nowhere and suddenly you are being torn into two directions not knowing what to do...either choice will cause great pain. It causes pain to many people too...not just to you! All you can do it make the choice and live with the choice that you make!

This may be a little bit of advice...since you are in a relationship and it's working for you...you may want to realize that being friends with someone and being in a relationship with someone are two different things. You may chose the friend and realize that he's a good friend but not a good boyfriend. Sometimes you don't know what you go till it's gone!

Last edited by BeaTrade; 09-14-2008 at 05:49 AM.

 
Old 09-14-2008, 07:30 AM   #4
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Re: Loving two men

Quote:
Originally Posted by BeaTrade View Post
I can't offer any useful advice but I will just say that I have been in that situation and anyone that says that you cannot love two people at one time just simply has not ever experienced it! I too would have said that you can't love two people at once before it actually happened in my life! That is why it is so important to not let yourself get involved with a person of the opposite sex when you are in a marriage or a committed relationship! That is why I am soooo opposed to opposite sex friendships! It happens out of nowhere and suddenly you are being torn into two directions not knowing what to do...either choice will cause great pain. It causes pain to many people too...not just to you! All you can do it make the choice and live with the choice that you make!

This may be a little bit of advice...since you are in a relationship and it's working for you...you may want to realize that being friends with someone and being in a relationship with someone are two different things. You may chose the friend and realize that he's a good friend but not a good boyfriend. Sometimes you don't know what you go till it's gone!
I agree with Beatrade, but I will go a little further. Keep your current boy-friend. I suppose boh men know about each other. Your friend was being frank when he told you he had feelings for you, but if he knew about your boyfriend, I think it would have been fairer of him to have kept his feelings hidden. Unwittingly or not, he caused some disturbance in your life, and this makes me look at him with ... some suspicion, no, with some reservation. Also, it is a question of stability: your boyfriend sounds stabler than your friend. You may be young now, and a certain "irresponsibilty" may appeal to you, but as you age, you will need more and more stability, if you see what I mean. You may even change your mind about having kids. As they put it, one bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I don't know you, but it seems to me that you would rather be with someone than literally alone. Anyway, the choice is yours, and I think you can only have one of them in the long run.

 
Old 09-14-2008, 07:39 AM   #5
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Re: Loving two men

I believe a person can Love to people at the same time.
Its mixed emotions that causes this to happen.
but...its a different kind of love, this is the hard part, you have to ask yourself what am I thinking, I'm in Love with my b/f and he's just a platonic friend. (I'm sure you have)

if you just have thoughts of being with this other man its not love darling believe me ..its just a fantasy that will pass in time.

if a person has been in a good & true trusting honest romatic realtionship for a while and then meets someone else that has that charm about them and your curiousity gets the best of you , sure you may fall for that person, but at the same time your in Love with someone else and it tears you apart thinking this way.
if you love your current b/f then you need to know when to draw the line.

if your not sure? then talk it over with your current b/f in a decent manner if your open and honest with things...then things have a tence to take care of themselfs.
or simply try to not think of this other friend in a romatic kind of way.
if you still do and can't stop thinking about this other friend then you have to ask yourself if you trully love your current b/f.

Bur yes you can love to people at the same time but the love is different.

 
Old 09-14-2008, 07:56 AM   #6
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Re: Loving two men

I think it depends on just how badly your boyfriend wants kids, or may come to want kids. How thoroughly have you talked this out with him? It could be he's hoping one day your maternal instincts will kick in and your biological clock will start ticking and you'll want kids, too. Having a family is a huge, huge part of the human experience and one that should not be skipped if one really wants it. If he really really wants to be a father, he should get to be one. If you really really DON'T want to be a mother, you should NOT be one. I actually think the fair thing for you to do would be to set your boyfriend free and allow him the chance to find a woman who shares his goals and life dream of having kids before he gets too old. Men have more time than women, but not every man wants to be a Michael Douglas or a Jerry Seinfeld and become fathers at 50.

Really sit down and ask the tough, hard questions and have a good honest talk with your boyfriend about this.

As for your friend, I think there are more things to consider when thinking about an actualy life mate rather than just a sweet, cute guy you want to hang out with. You say you would be happy to marry either of them, and though you mention maturity, you don't really say anything about how they are with finances, are they even tempered, support you in your choices, do either of them have any habits or a way of relating to you that would get on your nerves on a day to day basis living with them?

 
Old 09-14-2008, 08:35 AM   #7
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Re: Loving two men

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
I think it depends on just how badly your boyfriend wants kids, or may come to want kids. How thoroughly have you talked this out with him? It could be he's hoping one day your maternal instincts will kick in and your biological clock will start ticking and you'll want kids, too. Having a family is a huge, huge part of the human experience and one that should not be skipped if one really wants it. If he really really wants to be a father, he should get to be one. If you really really DON'T want to be a mother, you should NOT be one. I actually think the fair thing for you to do would be to set your boyfriend free and allow him the chance to find a woman who shares his goals and life dream of having kids before he gets too old. Men have more time than women, but not every man wants to be a Michael Douglas or a Jerry Seinfeld and become fathers at 50.

Really sit down and ask the tough, hard questions and have a good honest talk with your boyfriend about this.

As for your friend, I think there are more things to consider when thinking about an actualy life mate rather than just a sweet, cute guy you want to hang out with. You say you would be happy to marry either of them, and though you mention maturity, you don't really say anything about how they are with finances, are they even tempered, support you in your choices, do either of them have any habits or a way of relating to you that would get on your nerves on a day to day basis living with them?
LLM raises very important points, as always. In my previous post I said "keep your boyfriend," but as LLM puts it, the question of having children or not must be thoroughly discussed before you take the final step, or move on.

By the way, my second kid was born when I was 50. There are some advantages of being an old father (you have more experience to share), but disadvantages as well (you can be often mistaken for a grandfather).

 
Old 09-14-2008, 09:37 AM   #8
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Re: Loving two men

Thanks for all the advice, everyone.

Larrylou'sMom, I have had a couple of conversations with my BF about the kids issue, the last one in which I held back nothing and let him know just how much I did NOT want to have children. He cried, saying he didn't know how he was going to be able to decide between two things he wants (me and children). He did at least hear me out when I explained my reasoning was beyond merely disliking children, and he suggested that he might possibly change his mind in a few years. So, he was respectful enough to listen, which is good. I told him that it isn't an issue right now, but if he wanted us to get married, we would be sitting down and having a long talk about this issue.

Yes, we're sort of avoiding the issue because it causes a lot of pain when it's brought up, and I know when we discuss it in the future, it will cause pain then too. I don't want him to be stuck with me if he wants kids that I will never give him, but on the other hand, I want to really get him to examine his reasons for wanting kids because I don't want him to think that having kids is "just what adults do". More than one of his relatives has told me he does not like children, and yet, somehow he thinks that he will intrinsically love his own kids just because they're his. I have seen that logic fail many times before.

I also asked him how he'd feel about adopting a child should I change my mind (I would not want to bring another kid into the world), and he said he wouldn't want to take care of someone else's mistake. I always felt that you were a parent if you took care of a child over a long period of time, be it a foster child, an adopted child or a biological child, but it seems to me that my BF is one of those people who thinks that adopted/fosted kids are subhuman, and personally, I don't think that's a good attitude to have when being a parent.

As far as the personalities of these two men...both are even tempered. I have never seen BF lose his cool (he's a really gentle guy), and my friend may just belt out a scream when he's really mad, but none of them have anger issues. None have substance abuse issues, which is a big plus. My friend isn't so good with money, while my BF kind of is. In terms of children (or lack thereof), my friend seriously changes his mind every day. One day, he's talking about how he can't wait to teach his child to play guitar, and the next he's talking about how he's going to get a vasectomy ASAP. BUT, my friend doesn't give me crap about not wanting kids. BF does, though. He expressed great disapproval when I said I wanted to one day get sterilized, and he said once he found my dislike of children to be "disturbing".

My BF has no bad habits, but my friend does this thing where he counts after doing something. I think he may have OCD and while I try my hardest not to hold it against him (since he can't help it), it bugs the crap out of me when he does his counting rituals. That and he seems to think that he needs to make himself belch as loud as possible in public after drinking soda. But I can overlook his habits.

As you can see, I love parts of each of their personalities. BF really would be perfect for me if he didn't want kids, and my friend would be great too if he could just be a little more decisive. They both have their good sides and their flaws, as you can see.

 
Old 09-14-2008, 09:47 AM   #9
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Re: Loving two men

Whats so wrong with having kids?
if you base your realtionship on that...then get out of this realtionship asap.

I think if you did have a child after things settel down and you hold that child in your ams..I think you would say you made the right choice.
In My opinion theres nothing any better than the love of a family and God.

 
Old 09-14-2008, 11:20 AM   #10
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Re: Loving two men

I don't really want to begin a debate on the subject, but please understand I have many reasons for not wanting children. It's not the right choice for everyone, and I am one of the people for whom it is not right, and I have put a lot of thought into the choice that suits my needs best.

You are most definitely entitled to your opinion, as am I to mine. I think we may need to agree to disagree on this, though.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 05:00 PM   #11
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Re: Loving two men

You love them both and are confused about them both .... because you don't love either one of them enough to actually choose one of them. You can have attraction or "loving" feelings towards several people at once... or two in your case. You just haven't fell in love with either one of them yet ... OR maybe you won't because neither one has the "thing"... chemistry.... or fill in the blank, but they have all kinds of great things that are drawing you in. Maybe at some point one of them will do something that kicks that 'falling in mad love" over the top and you might lean in one direction. Trust me, when a woman falls in love with someone she knows it and at the point, that's when she doesn't want to see anyone else.

 
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