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Old 09-14-2008, 08:31 AM   #1
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My husband is a kind man, but we have nothing in common anymore...

We have been married 16 years, no kids due to infertility. We have grown in different ways. We don't argue, we have money, but I am emotionally unfullfilled and I'm sure he is sexually unfullfilled. The less emotioally attached I am the more I pull back sexually, and it's a no win cycle. He has difficulty sharing emotions and even our conversations are shallow and about work and the weather or what deer he saw in his fields. I can't stand it any longer. He is gone every weekend hunting or fishing. I have freedom to do as I please, but most of my friends have kids and aren't able to hang out much. I am alone ALOT. I don't even mind being alone, if I were single...but being alone and married only makes me depressed about my unfullfilling relationship. My husband doesn't "get" how sad this is making me. I have actually been investigating divorce law and checked my credit rating to see how I'd be on my own...I have never gone that far before. I don't know if counseling is an option....does it ever work? Or just make it all worse?

Any suggestions?

 
Old 09-14-2008, 10:44 AM   #2
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Re: My husband is a kind man, but we have nothing in common anymore...

Quote:
Originally Posted by emmymm View Post
...

Any suggestions?
Yes.

Even if this is a case for divorce, it is a very difficult one, nevertheless. What would the grounds be for the divorce? Boredom? Does boredom qualify as a reason good enough?

Let me ask you a strange question: do you have any idea of how you would feel in the case of a sudden disappearance (death included) of your husband? I am asking you this, because I think that if you divorced from him, save from the daily habit of seeing him and talking about ordinary things, you would have no more reason to meet him again. It wouldn't make any difference if he lived on Mars or next door, would it?

Possibly the hardest part of this story for you is the frightening thought that you may have lost sixteen years of your life with someone with whom you were unable to create a fertile relationship. Would you like now to go after the time you have lost?

You don't mention it, but is there someone else?

Counselling may be good where or when there is open conflict (friction) and a mediator is needed to open the partners' eyes. There is hardly a fight in your marriage; you seem to get on well with each other, even if it is enervating for you. So I don't know how counselling would work for you both, and there's yet the question that he never thought about it. How could you ever approach him with the suggestion of couple therapy?

He will possibly be shocked when he learns about the divorce plan. He will feel it as if you were betraying him. Then there might be a dispute with him over the house and other common belongings.

Maybe you should seek advice from a counsellor but only for yourself, so that she or he may help you find a way to resolve it in the most elegant way. Hopefully, it should be like a surgical process: quick, urgent and precise.

However, if you decide that this marriage can still be salvaged, you might try the following: go with him on one of those hunts or ask him to stay over the weekend, and start planning to do things together. This is your last chance perhaps for discovering who this man is - the man whom you have had by your side all these long years. With some intelligent interaction he may be open up, and you may be surprised to find that he is not exactly who you thought he was. Or may be not.

Worth trying.

 
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Old 09-14-2008, 10:55 AM   #3
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Re: My husband is a kind man, but we have nothing in common anymore...

I think sometimes counseling helps if both parties are willing to acknowledge there is a problem and both parties are willing to do what they need to do to fix it.

How was it like in the beginning? What did you have in common? Was he ever a good friend for you? Some people say you aren't suppposed to see your spouse as a friend, but I couldn't even imagine being married to someone I didn't consider my best friend. Was he ever a good friend? What did you used to talk about?

If you don't like hunting, I don't think you should have to in order to feel more connected to your husband. Many couples feel connected and have deep emotional intimacy without having to do everything together all the time. But I do think it won't kill him to spend a weekend with YOU every now and again. If being with you instead of going hunting is too big a sacrifice for him, then what do the two of you really have?

 
Old 09-14-2008, 11:12 AM   #4
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Re: My husband is a kind man, but we have nothing in common anymore...

You are bored and you feel unfulfilled in the relationship. You are not feeling loved, I presume. I think you still love your husband and want the marriage to work but you don't do enough together anymore, you don't feel like you matter much to your husband?

Well why don't you try to change the boredom? Try booking a trip for you and your husband. You sound financially secure. A short weekend away somewhere nice and different? You could always surprise him? Plan in secret? Or at the very least try to meet new people or try to meet with your friends (but without the children). Get out and about. Keep busy. Do something new. A new hobby or a new club in your area?

You haven't mentioned if you have spoken to your husband about how desperate you feel?

As a previous poster has mentioned, counselling may be good so you can explore how you feel, speak to someone outside the box and you may be able to see things more clearly.
If you want the marriage to work, then couple counselling would be recommendable.

 
Old 09-14-2008, 01:43 PM   #5
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Re: My husband is a kind man, but we have nothing in common anymore...

Counseling could help...I mean how much worse could it make it than divorcing? IMHO divorce is about the most traumatizing event in ones life short of losing a loved one due to a death! It's like a death in a way...except that in death you actually have closure. To me divorce is like an open wound that never seems to heal. 16 years of marriage is a lot a memories to keep reliving! Take it from someone married 24 years and now divorced.

I'd suggest counseling because your husband probably thinks every thing's OK and sometimes just griping that you aren't OK doesn't sink in. Then if that's no good then I'd suggest separation before an actual divorce. Sometimes you think you need something else until what you've got is gone!

 
Old 09-14-2008, 02:28 PM   #6
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Re: My husband is a kind man, but we have nothing in common anymore...

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. You have given me a lot to think about. Pendulum, no, there is not anyone else. I can't even imagine another relationship. I am not interested in another man. If things with us end, I don't see any relationships for me in the future. The thought of a sudden death or disappearance was an interesting thing to ponder. Sadly, my life wouldn't be all that different. In fact, I might be relieved. I feel SO GUILTY thinking that. I quess part of the problem is that when I was younger and we met we had more in common. I seem to have matured more and taken up more grown up ,cultured and varied interests. He has grow too, but only in the number of different wildlife he now hunts. It used to be deer and fish. Now its deer, bear, turkey, pheasant, grousse, Canadian fishing trips, etc. We own a cabin and 40 acres and I can go along on the weekends, but even when I do, he is out in the woods or fields the whole time and I'm alone. I like to read, so that works sometimes.
I guess I am feeling that I need more, on more levels, than he can give.

I really don't want to hurt him. I do love him.

Actually, I don't regret the 16 years we have had. I don't feel like I'm trying to get it back. I didn't always feel like this. We do take a trip every year to the Carribean or Mexico and really enjoy each other. I also travel on my own and he is supportive of whatever I want to do on my own ( its the trade off for the hunting I think). He's really a great guy...that's what makes all this so hard....he's great....but maybe not for me anymore???

I think going thru the whole infertility issue has also changed me .... when we finally quit the IVF cycles we embraced a life w/o kids.....but as time went on I kind of wanted to adopt. His family had some bad experiences w/ it and TOTALLY scared us about it. Now I am resentful towards him and them ( they are dead now) for keeping me from adoptin.

Whoa...sorry this got sooooooo long.

I think I will try to find a counselor this week and just start with me. Maybe this is my problem to work out.

How can I get/find a "good" counselor???

 
Old 09-14-2008, 03:27 PM   #7
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Re: My husband is a kind man, but we have nothing in common anymore...

If you do not try to save your marriage before throwing in the towel, you might find yourself somewhere down the road wondering "what if?" At least try something before walking away.

I can fully understand what you are going through. Some couples become so complacent that they take one another for granted. They stop trying and simply co-exist all the while drifting apart emotionally.

My husband and I stopped sharing common interests and started to grow apart. That is until the kids came. Once again we had things to talk about and events to laugh and rejoice about. Would adopting a child help to bridge the gap between you two?

But now that the kids are older, he spends a lot of time away with his job and military commitments. I simply existed but feeling a lot of resentment. That is until I went back to school to finish earning a degree. I made some good friends in school with whom I spend time with.

Between work, kids and school, my time is filled. I do not have time to feel resentful. I am pretty much a single mom but with my kids, it is not as lonely. I can remember how lonely I felt, just like you, before my kids were born. I knew that I probably would have the burden...or should I say blessing...of raising my kids mostly by myself but it is worth it. I would not trade them in for the world! They are the sunshine in my days. Our marriage would have never made it if it were not for the kids.

I know that bringing kids into your life or taking on new hobbies and meeting new people will not fix your marriage. However, it will help to add some fun and brevity into your life that you so much need. After all, we are the true source of our own happiness. Happiness is subjective.

Counseling is not effective for everyone but I know many people who found counseling extremely helpful. A close friend of mine attended counseling for a year with her husband and she says he is a changed man. They get along wonderfully nowadays. It has been over a year since they stopped counseling and they are still going strong.

Again, I fully sympathize with what you are going through and wish you both well.

Last edited by Niclolu; 09-14-2008 at 03:31 PM.

 
Old 09-14-2008, 04:11 PM   #8
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Re: My husband is a kind man, but we have nothing in common anymore...

Niclolu-
Thanks for the heartfelt response. I am realizing that I'm just not busy enough. I work full-time. I have my master's degree and I really loved taking the classes. But, now I really do need to be more involved, busy with some other activities. I have even thought of volunteering somewhere, or becoming a "big sister" to a little girl.

I think it's too late to adopt now. I'm 44 and my husband is 45. Ten years ago I'd have loved to....but I don't want to be so old as a parent.

Thanks for your help.
Emmy

 
Old 09-14-2008, 05:16 PM   #9
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Re: My husband is a kind man, but we have nothing in common anymore...

I hope that you can get your issues worked though and not have the pain of a divorce in your life. I wouldn't wish a divorce on my worst enemy!

If you could just ask yourself...what would you accomplish by divorcing a good man? Do you just want to be alone? How is that better than being married and having seperate hobbies? Or do you want to find a better man? Well I'd say the chances aren't all that great! I mean really, where's that perfect man? I sure haven't found one!!!!! If you had a bad husband, I'd be the first to say to get out and not waste time in a bad marriage. But since you have a good husband you should work on the marriage. Who knows, maybe he is thinking he's bored too and will be surprised when he finds out you want some excitement in your marriage!

 
Old 09-14-2008, 05:41 PM   #10
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Re: My husband is a kind man, but we have nothing in common anymore...

Being a big sister is a GREAT idea! There are plenty of kids who are in need of your heart. Perhaps your husband would want to be a big brother and take a kid hunting/fishing with him.

44 is still young if you reconsider later on down the road. A lot of my friends are having babies in their 40's.

You have a masters degree? Think of all the things that you can do with that! All the good things that you can give to the world. Pursue your passions. It is amazing what people can do when they chase after their dreams. You just have to dream again. Get out of the rut and go Emmy, go!

 
Old 09-14-2008, 08:51 PM   #11
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Re: My husband is a kind man, but we have nothing in common anymore...

I had a child at 43 and know a lot of women who had kids past 40. My good friend had a son at 45. Another good friend adopted a boy at 45 and another at 51. I also know women who had children at near 50 years of age using donor eggs. You are not too old.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 03:49 AM   #12
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Re: My husband is a kind man, but we have nothing in common anymore...

Thank you all. It is so helpful getting unbiased suggestions. I feel a lot more hopeful. I am NOT ready to trash my marriage, I know that now for sure! I really need to persue some hobbies or dreams of my own while he enjoys his. I would like us to find a few "joint" enjoyments...maybe being a "big couple" ..i wonder if they have those? I have a lot more hope right now, thanks to you.

 
Old 08-21-2009, 07:43 PM   #13
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Re: My husband is a kind man, but we have nothing in common anymore...

I am sitting here crying at the computer and tomorrow is my 50th birthday. My husband is in his "cave" where he likes to live now. We have two teenaged daughters, 15 and 18. He realizes too that we have nothing in common anymore. He has become very close to our older daughter and spends a lot of time with her, which is going to make letting go of her very difficult for him. I spent about 10 years spending all my time with a friend of mine. About a year ago I realized that my friend and I had a toxic relationship so I "broke up" with her. I have been trying to make other friends, but it's not easy to do. My husband and I rarely spend any time together at all. Every once in a while we will sit and talk after coming home from a long day. I am considering taking a tennis class and if I like it I am going to join a meetup group that meets around here. I am also going to continue attempting to make friendships. I go to a meet-up group for people with anxiety. He and I have our love for music in common, but recently I decided to stop playing flute/piccolo because I have grown tired of it. I am also an American Idol nut and he can take it or leave it. I don't really care for the type of music he listens to or automobiles. I know longer know him or myself. He is very controlling and that has driven me nuts for years. I think I married a guy who would take care of me and he married a woman he could take care of.

I don't know if we can repair our marriage or not.

 
Old 08-22-2009, 08:13 PM   #14
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Re: My husband is a kind man, but we have nothing in common anymore...

I would suggest counseling as well... the simple fact that if you state your husband... "I'd like us to attend counseling because im really feel unfulfilled in our relationship" that suggestion alone would probably open up a WORLD of honesty between you two regardless if the COUNSELING even is pursued. Basically what is missing here is a REALIZATION on your husbands part of WHY he married you in the first place. I GUARENTEE you guys were happy at one point and think about how GREAT it would be if you guys could REKINDLE your love for eachother instead of simply ending your marriage like SO MANY do. Think about it - there was a reason you two were married this long - there is some sort of overall desire there it just needs to be remembered.

 
Old 10-04-2010, 05:05 PM   #15
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Re: My husband is a kind man, but we have nothing in common anymore...

I see myself heading in the similar path. We, though, have two children and it seems ti's all we have in common, them. We care about eachother yet I feel as though I just care for him as being the father of our girls. He's terrific with them. If I were to take them out of the equasion, I feel I'd be at a loss of what to talk about with him. I feel as though conversations are shallow as well.

There was a time where he thought I was cheating on him based on someone emailing me with sweet nothings though failed to know what my response was to that unrequited attention from that other. We did go to counseling and came to terms that it is ok for me to receive a compliment from someone unbiased, as it fules my ego and thus I feed that energy to my husband. We have learned when his love languages are and after two years, stll trying to figure out what is mine. I said it was doing things for me, though things like hte laundry and dishes of what I normally do was not what I had in mind. I told him that I wanted him to do things for me that was soley for me that showed he cared about my happiness. He understood that.

Then comes the wanting to feel like a woman, not like a mother, issue. I yearn for PDA, not just hold hands, but feeling like I'm wanted by him and to see others jealous of his attention to me. Not all baby talk type, but just a gentleman. He gives me the excuse that he does not like attention. SO there goes that idea out the window. I then said it would be very romantic and endearing if he purchased a dress for me, he knows my size, and lay it out with a note telling em to put it on and meet him somewhere. He says I'm too picky on dresses. I may be picky simply becuase when I do dress shop, it's for a certain occasion and I explained that to him. He shrugged it off. He then made a comment on how maybe we just aren't made for eachother. We had a date night that night, kids were spending the night elsewhere. We ahd the house to ourselves. He said he felt as if I didn't want him and I said I felt the same way. The vicious cycle of not gettign the romance, thus me holding back sexually. Did he try to make a move on me that night? not one bit..and now he's out of town on business...

we've nothing interesting to talk about anymore, been married for almost 10 years, I've felt as though I've worked hard at keepig his love tank full and felt like I've been running on empty. SInce we have kids, I can't just pick up and leave. I care about him, but I am not IN love with him anymore.

 
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