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Old 09-14-2008, 06:16 PM   #1
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Question I need Relationship advice before I have an emotional breakdown!

Ok..I realllly need some relationship advice...And I am sorry this is a long post but please bare with me and give me the advice you really think would help with the situation : )

I have been dating this guy for about 9 months... he is a great guy but he really has an anger problem. We have broken up several times and he comes crying back and says things will be better and he will get help.. make a long story short, when i mention him getting help-he blows up and says he doesn't need it and its crap.. but he did say that he would get it when we broke up in order for us to get back together.. anyways he likes to drink a lot with his friends.. i don't mind the drinking but not every time you go out.. whether its a bowling alley or place to eat, he wants a beer. I cannot stand the constant need to alcohol. He really doesn't listen to my problems of any kind.. he doesn't to talk about them because he says I over react. Whatever.. I still think i need someone to talk to. When he drinks, he gets all mad with me {removed} and whatnot. well we have great sex and we have a good time when he is not sober.. he has a great family and I think they would be a great family to have if i married him...
welll...
I met this guy jeff to an ex boyfriend and we really "start conversating" on coincidences. Like one night I had a dream about him so I was going to tell him the next day and then that next day He was driving in front of me and called me before i even told him about the dream and he stopped and gave me a hug that i could remember forever.. he has listened to all of my problems.. and he is into the same things I am.. he is in the fire dept and also drives an ambulance, loves nascar, fishing, and hunting.. everything that I am into. I am a nursing major so we have all those connections with the medical field. He also got a brand new car, this car is the one I would want if I had to get a new one.. so its just a lot of "good timing" and coincidences that we have encountered.

I am scared to break up with my boyfriend for him because I am scared my boyfriend would kill his self because of his anger problems.. i don't know what to do.. and I am just so confused.
Please give me some advice.

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 09-15-2008 at 07:24 AM. Reason: If a word has to be asterisked it is not appropriate for these boards.

 
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Old 09-14-2008, 06:34 PM   #2
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Niclolu HB User
Re: I need Relationship advice before I have an emotional breakdown!

What kind of life do you want for yourself? If you want to settle down and find a lifelong partner, then every minute that you are with the wrong guy is a waste of time. It is quite obvious who the right guy is for you. This Jeff sounds wonderful compared to your abusive boyfriend.

You are not responsible for your boyfriend's behavior. If he harms himself, it is not because of your decision. It will be because of his addiction and lack of self control. Please do not give away your life to this man when all he is going to do is pull you down with him. Don't let anyone call you names, drunk or not. He values the bottle more than you, otherwise he would be in counseling or AA. People's true selves come out when they are drunk. He harbors a lot of hostilities.

You are too kind looking for the pot of gold under the rainbow. However, his drinking and anger issues overshadows everything else. If you get married, it gets worse. People let their guard down even more once they are bound in holy matrimony. It is not as easy to get away when you are married so they will push the boundaries even further. It starts with verbal abuse and evolves in physical abuse. You need to protect yourself from additional harm.

Say goodbye to this one and go where your heart leads you!

 
Old 09-14-2008, 06:44 PM   #3
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Re: I need Relationship advice before I have an emotional breakdown!

I can understand you being concerned about what your boyfriend may do if you break up with him. BUT....you have got to look out for yourself. This is a relationship you DEFINITELY need to get out of and get out of it now! It is not healthy. Be true to you and get out.

 
Old 09-14-2008, 06:49 PM   #4
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Re: I need Relationship advice before I have an emotional breakdown!

I want a life of happiness and love. I know Corey (current bf) loves me.. but I feel if he loved me the way he says, I would not get treated the way I have been treated. I feel like with Jeff, he would never get mad.. he just seems like one of those guys who has no problems or doesn't show that they have problems. Jeff and I both said we feel like something is supposed to come out of everything that has happened.
I just want to be happy.. corey only has been "so great" a few times and its been when we broke up and he was trying to get back with me.. I am just scared that he is never going to change.. like with his attitude and anger.
I felt like I could be the one to help him get better but he doesn't want to help himself.
When me and jeff use to talk before me and corey.. I got turned off because he snored.. I know thats wrong of me but I hate snoring.. I shouldnt have turned away because of that.. I know.. but I regret it.. I know snoring is something that can be helped.

Just hard to let go of corey because like I said I feel like he is going to hurt himself and maybe me or my family.

 
Old 09-14-2008, 07:44 PM   #5
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Re: I need Relationship advice before I have an emotional breakdown!

Snoring? You left because of snoring? LOL

Sorry. OK, I think you are confused here. Why don't you take some time and get your life and emotions in order before you jump back and forth between these two guys....it sounds like you were with Jeff, and then you were with Corey, and now you are wanting to be with Jeff again? Am I right?

I don't think you know what you want, but here is one thing you don't need. You don't need someone who treats you bad, and promises you things in order to get you back that he has no intention of doing.

If you feel threatened by this guy, get the police involved...but why would you even consider life with someone that you have to be concerned might hurt you or your family?

Corey needs help, the kind you can't provide. Get away from him and let the chips fall where they may.

Mileena

 
Old 09-14-2008, 08:04 PM   #6
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Re: I need Relationship advice before I have an emotional breakdown!

Well Jeff and I talked for like a week like when we actually went on a date.. but then we stopped talking and I didn't hear from him for a while.. and then corey came in the picture. You all are very right.. I shouldn't be with someone who treats me the way he does.. I feel like he does do good things but really when i think about it, the bad outweighs them. Corey really only thinks about himself rather than with me in consideration too.
Jeff and I have kept in contact but its only been within this past week that I really have had these strong emotions for Jeff surface. So its not like I have been struggling between the two for so long.. its just happening within the past week. Everyone tells me to let go of Corey.. they have been telling me that. Its just the courage I have to have to make that step.. I dont know what to say to him without him going off. He is an only child so I am just so scared he will try to kill himself and I just couldnt live with that.. but yes I know I need to be happy too....... choices choices...

 
Old 09-14-2008, 09:13 PM   #7
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Niclolu HB User
Re: I need Relationship advice before I have an emotional breakdown!

I thought about your safety and now as you mentioned, the safety of your family. What would he do if you suggested...no insisted, that he get professional help? You could be there as a friend and not a girlfriend, if you think this will be the safest route.

It is hard to say since we are not professionals and I have not heard anyone here so far say they have gone through that experience. I believe that since this is such a serious situation, because your safety is at risk, a counselor would be the best source of advice. They can also help you with the emotional turmoil you are going through. They can help you make a rational decision by helping you to separate your emotions from the facts. It is difficult to make a decision when your emotions have you in knots.

The bottom line here is you have to get out of this relationship, but you need to cut the ties in a way that is safe for you. What steps do you need to take to ensure your safety? I can empathize with your predicament.

Please be very careful.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 05:47 AM   #8
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happymom28 HB User
Re: I need Relationship advice before I have an emotional breakdown!

Your current boyfriend isn't going to change. He says he will get help because that is what you want to hear, but deep down he doesn't think he needs it and therefor is using that as a manipulating tool. He doesn't respect you or your opinion. He is verbally abusive (calling you names like that). He may love you, but is this how you want to be loved.

Lets say you do break up with him and he threatens suicide. How is that your problem? You will seriously stay with a man who treats you like crap just because he knows how to manipulate you? He won't kill himself. That is all a ploy to get you to stay. He knows how to work you. Your best bet would be to dump him and get a restraining order so you don't have to take his harrassment that he gives you every single time.

You get one life. You have a choice to live it in misery with a man who treats you like crap and has no respect for you or you can find yourself someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. I was married to a man just like you describe in your current boyfriend. It doesn't get better. Learn from my mistake and the mistakes of many other women on here, get away from him! All the love and compassion in the world isn't going to make him treat you right. He is who he is, a verbally abusive, angry, manipulative jerk. You stay with him it will only be a matter of time before that rage turns physical on you, that is, if it hasn't already.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 12:09 PM   #9
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Re: I need Relationship advice before I have an emotional breakdown!

You owe it to yourself to love yourself more than him. I think you're staying with him out of guilt. Guilt isn't a good justification to stay in an unhealthy relationship. The suicide threats are just manipulation. He won't do it. It makes me sick when people threaten suicide for their partners to stick around.. That's so whacked.

He says he'll get help only when he wants you back. And that's just it, him saying it only when he needs to manipulate you knowing he won't get help in the long run. To him he doesn't need it, he's fine the way he is... he still has you around so he must not that be that bad, right? That's his delusional mentality.

He abuses you plain and simple. Either you except it, or move on to a healthy life. I don't think you want to except it so go out there and do good for yourself. No man is worth loving more than yourself. Especially him. He won't change his angry, temperamental ways.. like I said, to him he's fine the way he is. I know you don't want to walk on eggshells forever. It's no way to live. Good luck.

And BTW- in regards to the other guy. Men i've dated snore, and a lot of woman in my family snore. It's normal and don't be shallow ! How would you feel is Jeff didn't want to date you because you sneezed all the time? LOL And snoring can sometimes be fixed.. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who has a great personality and who snored rather than someone who abuses you? But I also wouldn't say jump right over to Jeff.. take some time to heal and get to know yourself better. After being with someone like Corey, they can have the ability to steal your identity..

Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 09-15-2008 at 12:11 PM.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 02:47 PM   #10
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Re: I need Relationship advice before I have an emotional breakdown!

Just wanted to update yall.. Well last night my boyfriend told me to meet him in town cause he wanted to show me something.. I get there.. waiting on him.. he finially shows. gets out of his truck and starts saying I was a piece of sh**, sl*t, wh*re and every other bad name possible.. someone had told him I was "talking" to jeff (for those who are just reading this, jeff is a friend who has been here for me through me and coreys problems and just giving me advice.. i do think alot of jeff though but we werent talking in that way) so he wouldnt even give me the time of day to tell him my side of the story.. or anything.. he jeft where we were at.. I left... he kept calling me calling me names after that and i was so scared I couldnt even go home. he said he was going to ruin my reputation and have everyone against me.. I stayed at my friends house cause i am just terrified of him when he is angry.. so needless to say.. corey is out of the picture now.. he is gone. I am not dealing with it anymore.. so i just wanted to fill you all in!

 
Old 09-17-2008, 09:46 PM   #11
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Re: I need Relationship advice before I have an emotional breakdown!

That is good to hear but be very careful and watch your back for a while. Hopefully he will just disappear all together. Thanks for updating us because some of us are concerned for you.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 03:21 AM   #12
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Re: I need Relationship advice before I have an emotional breakdown!

dump him if he doesn't want to get help, give him an ultimatum.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 05:09 AM   #13
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Re: I need Relationship advice before I have an emotional breakdown!

I am thankful that some were concrened about my situation.. i love corey alot.. i do.. but i guess i just have too much faith in bad situations.. ifeel like maybe one day things will get better.. but then again i am only 20 .. i matured alot faster than everyone i know so i am ready to live with someone, and move on with my life.. corey is 21 and he was to go out and have a great time.. i cant do that much cause i have college and studying to worry about so i think thats part of my fault for wanting to be together as one and i feel like i am pushing him away from his life he wants to live

 
Old 09-18-2008, 04:23 PM   #14
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Re: I need Relationship advice before I have an emotional breakdown!

Like you i am 20 as well. Girlfriend you deserve so much better than that piece of crap guy. I too am going over a break up after 2 1/2 years. Get this he was the one that wanted to be seperated and then he goes and lies to people and says i cheated on him with a guy and lied to him constantly. ANd how he can live with telling a lie like that i dont know. I too gave him benefit of the doubt beacause i loved him so much and there were so many times that we felt great together but then there were the bad times too. Just like you i loved the togetherness and being one was great. But the bad sides he showed me was not the guy i fell in love with. And to say what he said about me is not right, just as for you he doesnt deserve you. You gave it your all and healing takes a lot of time. Give it a few months. He will always have a special place in your heart but you will realize it one day how much more your worth it to yourself. Hope you meet a guy oneday that appreciates you for you and your values.

 
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