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Old 09-15-2008, 05:30 AM   #1
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My Exhusband

I really need an objective opinion on how to handle this situation. I appreciate any and all advice you can give me.

A little background. My exhusband was very verbally and mentally abusive. Towards the end of our marriage he also got physical. He had me so down about myself that I struggled with divorcing him because I didn't think I could make it without him. We have been divorced for almost 4 years now. He barely paid child support for his daughter and always had issues with his visitation. When thing started getting serious with my current husband he started harrassing me to the point where I had to get a restraining order. He never fought me in court and I was granted sole legal and physical custody. I haven't heard from him in 3 years.

Here's the situation. My ex's friend "R" called my parents home yesterday morning. Apparently he heard from my ex for the first time in a while. "R" talked to my father and told him that he thought my ex was homeless and all messed up (whatever that means since that can be interpretted so many ways). When "R" talked to his wife about the situation she thought trying to contact me would be a good idea since I tend to remember everything and I may be able to help them out in finding his family members. Truth be told, I do know their full names and have a vague idea of where they may be. He left my father a contact number to reach him as he would never give out any of my information to anyone in contact with my ex.

I guess I'm a little torn as to what to do. My husband is worried this a ploy for him to try to get information but I'm not fully convinced of that. He is one of the friends who was actually married and understood why I was divorcing him even though he didn't have all of the details. I think he just wants to find him help because he can't help him. I mean, last I talked to him 3 years ago him and his wife were trying to conceive, which was another reason he was so disgusted with my ex, his lack of being a good father.

I guess I'm also affraid of opening this door. What if my ex tries to re-establish some sort of relationship with my daughter. I know it's not possible since if he sets foot in a court room he will be going to jail due to two separate arrest warrants. But then I have this side of me that even though I hate him with every fiber of my being he is still human, you know?

Help? Thoughts? Even a good smack upside the head will do.....

 
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Old 09-15-2008, 06:01 AM   #2
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Re: My Exhusband

Wait. Don't do anything. Not yet.

But I don't understand why R contacted your father rather than you, if anything.

What about your daughter? Does she have any contact with her biological father's family? Does she ever mention him?

 
Old 09-15-2008, 06:09 AM   #3
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Re: My Exhusband

"R" contacted my father because the last time I spoke with him I was living with my parents. That is the last point of contact anyone from my exhusband's circle has for me because after I moved I made it so I couldn't be tracked down.

My exhusband's mother died right before my daughter's first birthday. As a result his stepfather (the man that raised him) disappeared because my husband and his two brothers were doing anything to get their hands on her money. His biological father is remarried and moved out of state the following year. He is a total scumbag just like my ex. I was the one who kept up relationships with his family up until the divorce when I severed all ties. Last year his nephew called my parents home as well looking for my ex and he was shocked to find out that we divorced and I had moved away.

So no, my daughter hasn't seen my ex since a week before her 4th birthday. She hasn't seen anyone from his family since a year prior to that. She does mention him from time to time and will ask questions and such. But most of the memories she has are not good ones. Most of the time when she mentions him she ends up hysterical and feeling like somehow she is to blame.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 07:13 AM   #4
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Re: My Exhusband

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
Most of the time when she mentions him she ends up hysterical and feeling like somehow she is to blame.
Do you want that to keep on happening? No, of course not.
Keep your ex away. He sounds like he is trouble and will only cause more pain to your family. He had many opportunities to put things right but he didn't. eep well away.
You could tell your mutual friend of the details you know of your ex's relatives but keep it at that. Or even if you don't want to get that near to the situation ask your father to pass on the info about the family details and he could tell "R" to leave it at that.

What does your father think?

That's my opinion.
I know you'll make the right decision - you're a smart woman.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 07:43 AM   #5
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Re: My Exhusband

But how old is your daughter actually? Is she old enough to feel to blame?

 
Old 09-15-2008, 09:35 AM   #6
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Re: My Exhusband

I agree with Blue, I would give your parents the go-ahead to give R the contact info you have for your ex's family and leave it at that. Of course, I'm sure your family will know not to reveal to anyone, including R, where you are or how to contact you. Your ex has no rights as far as your daughter, so it would be better if there is no possible way for him to find out where you are.

My dad was a deadbeat who didn't pay child support and I haven't laid eyes on the loser since I was 18 (I'm 42 now). I do not feel any blame for how his life turned out (he's poor and struggling from what I hear) so I don't think you need to feel any guilt for how your ex's life is going. He made his bed...you know the rest!

 
Old 09-15-2008, 10:46 AM   #7
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Re: My Exhusband

Well, this is like a two-edged knife, for all I know. I don't know how old and how mature your daughter is. But I am just wondering if she has any right to know what is going on with her biological father. I know he had no influence in her life and has no right concerning her, but would you hide from her say the fact that he died of a sudden death or something? If she learns later on that you hid a few facts from her she may resent you, if you see what I mean. You will always know how to defend yourself: you were trying to protect her from unnecessary evil, but how will she understand what you did?

I think that if she is old enough to understand and accept that her biological father has nothing to do with your present life, then maybe you could find a way of telling her the facts, as soon as you get the real facts about him. You don't have to tell everything, just the main things, adding that you all hope that he will find his own way again. If she is too small and if you are sure that telling her will make her even more stressed, then don't say anything until you know she is ready to listen.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 10:47 AM   #8
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Re: My Exhusband

bluesky123,
No I definately don't want this to keep happening. I know he's had several opportunities to do the "right thing" but he was/is too selfish. I was wrong for divorcing him. I was wrong for wanting to give my child structure. I was wrong for wanting him to be consistent with his visitation. I was wrong for having the nerve to expect him to pay child support ($91 a week mind you). When I filed the restraining order on him I went to court on 4 separate occassions, none of which he showed up for. Since I didn't hear from him when I went back for this same time last year they didn't extend it any longer so I no longer have that. But all of my contact info is private in all the court records.
My father is more than willing to be the middle man. He's affraid that my ex is using "R" to fish for information. Right before my ex disappeared he vowed to take my daughter from me one day when she was "old enough to understand", whatever that means. He didn't mention at all that I moved, remarried, or have another child. He would never even dream of giving away that info.

Pendulum,
My daughter is 7. She has a very vivid memory. She can recall times where he threw things at me, including her chocolate milk. For the longest time she thought she was somehow to blame because that was her milk. When he was taking her for visitations he was telling her lies about me. He told her how I left her with him and he didn't think I was coming back. Mind you, he was awarded a week straight of visiation in the summer to spend some time with her. When I showed up to get her (as planned) she was so surprised and excited to see me. To this day she has anxiety when she goes anywhere without me overnight. So yes, she does feel she is to blame. She has felt abandonned by him and he had led her to believe that I did that to her as well. The list goes on and on with the things he said to her or did around her that make her feel like somehow she caused some of this. He always tried to use her to get to me.

Redneon82,
I think you are bluesky are right in that I should let my father handle it. I talked to my mother earlier and got more details since I had to be breif with my dad yesterday (little ears listening). I think I am going to have my father get more information for me first before I tell him what he wants to know. I need to know what my ex's plans are. Like if he knows "R" called my dad, where exactly is he, what does he mean by messed up? Does he plan on trying to establish some sort of relationship with my daughter (which I would sooner die than let happen)? I guess I need to know what I'm up against. I've always been affraid he would make good on his threats to take her, and right now he doesn't have a legal leg to stand on. Thank God he has no idea where I live, but I'm now nervous about taking her around my family. He knows where they all live.

I don't feel at all guilty about how his life is going. I totally believe in Karma and he had this coming to him. But what if this is all a lie? What if "R" has given him a job for cash so he isn't on the books (he's done it in the past when he needed extra money) so they won't garnish it for child support? What if he is just trying to figure out where I am so he can find my daughter? What if he wants me to try to drop all of the things I have against him in court? On the one hand I think "maybe I can get him to just sign his rights away" and on the other hand I think "his rights will be gone once he is finally brought in and I should just be patient".

I HATE that after 3 years of not dealing with him that he has had the ability to turn my world upside down again!

 
Old 09-15-2008, 01:35 PM   #9
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Re: My Exhusband

Happymom, I agree with redneon's advice. You have no reason to be involved...and you certainly don't owe your ex anything. I would be suspicious as well, however. I think that once your father gives R the contact info, that he should refuse to give any further help. If your ex knows where your parents live, perhaps you should have your parents come to you for a while when it comes to visiting.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 01:57 PM   #10
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Re: My Exhusband

hey happymom,

i'm very proud of you for getting out of your ex-marriage, btw.

i think you can solve this without having to open up a door to your ex-husband. i think you should get in touch with "R" and give him the information that he needs and leave it at that. or if you don't want to call, you can maybe have someone else do it for you. it doesn't seem to be a ploy to get you back into discussion with your ex-husband, i think its "R's" honest efforts to locate a "friend".
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Old 09-15-2008, 03:22 PM   #11
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Re: My Exhusband

The way I am understanding this is...."R" called your dad and he has seen your ex recently and he is in need of help that "R" thinks only his family can supply. So, he is asking that you help him with your great memory of your exs family to locate some of them to help?

I don't see any harm in giving "R" this information via your Dad of course. Since you also said "R" understood the things you went through in your marriage then I would also relay a message to him that this was ALL you were doing to help, and wanted no contact with either your ex or anyone IN contact with your ex and you know he will understand.

I am wondering though,.....you said his mom is dead and his dad is a deadbeat lowlife scumbag (ok maybe I added some of that) but WHO exactly is "R" looking to find in your exs family? Does he have siblings? If so, would those siblings in your opinion be willing or able to give the help he needs? What kind of help could his family supply that "R" (who by his own admission is concerned) could not? I guess with you knowing some of his extended family....that would be a deciding factor in whether I allowed my dad to even call "R". Do you have legitimate answers for him? If not, I would leave it alone.

Mileena

 
Old 09-16-2008, 06:06 AM   #12
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Re: My Exhusband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mileena42 View Post
The way I am understanding this is...."R" called your dad and he has seen your ex recently and he is in need of help that "R" thinks only his family can supply. So, he is asking that you help him with your great memory of your exs family to locate some of them to help?

I don't see any harm in giving "R" this information via your Dad of course. Since you also said "R" understood the things you went through in your marriage then I would also relay a message to him that this was ALL you were doing to help, and wanted no contact with either your ex or anyone IN contact with your ex and you know he will understand.

I am wondering though,.....you said his mom is dead and his dad is a deadbeat lowlife scumbag (ok maybe I added some of that) but WHO exactly is "R" looking to find in your exs family? Does he have siblings? If so, would those siblings in your opinion be willing or able to give the help he needs? What kind of help could his family supply that "R" (who by his own admission is concerned) could not? I guess with you knowing some of his extended family....that would be a deciding factor in whether I allowed my dad to even call "R". Do you have legitimate answers for him? If not, I would leave it alone.

Mileena
I had my Dad call "R" with some questions. I needed to know the motive behind the call and whether or not my ex knew he was calling me. My ex is about to become homeless because he can't/won't hold a job. I'm not sure of all of the details, but he called "R" looking for a place to stay until he could get on his feet (something "R" did in the past until he helped find him the place I knew he lived). "R" is in no position to provide him a place to stay. His wife was against it the first time and now that they have at least one child it's not an option. I now also know that my ex knows that the police are after him because "R" told him straight out to to turn himself in and the take the steps to clean up his act.

So, to answer your questions, yes, his mother is dead. My ex was bad before his mother's death, but he flipped his lid after the fact. He refused to seek therapy and just really got bad. All of his friends saw it as well as my family. His mom always bailed him out and he no longer had that cushion and had to try to fend for himself, which he did miserably. His biological father is a deadbeat, but that is who "R" is looking for. He's hoping that maybe he will step up and help his son since he never did before. I personally think he is grasping at straws because his father's wife won't allow it to happen. He does have two brothers. One of them has been in and out of jail for drug charges for as long as I can remember. The other one wrote off the family after his mother's death because all my ex and his other brother did was try to use him for money and such. Such a soap opera!

The thing is, I know the basics on how to find my ex's family. I could supply that information. However, knowing them they would most likely encourage him to turn himself in as "R" did. "R" was the last one of his friends to turn on him. When my Dad talked to "R" again last night he made the facts of the situation known that he may not have been aware of, such as his threatening to come back and get my daughter. He seems to think that it is really only a matter of time until he is caught and brought to jail and he is looking to hide. So maybe I will supply him with the basics. He can't go that far.

 
Old 09-16-2008, 07:00 AM   #13
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Re: My Exhusband

HM supply the basics just out of common human decency. R sounds like his intentions are genuine, he's trying to help a friend (and I use the word friend loosly). R is smart enough to know that he can't let this loser into his life, but he has some compassion that he wants SOMEONE to help him. Give him the contact info and be done with it......under no circumstances do you open the door for further contact....... BTW what does your current husband think?

 
Old 09-16-2008, 09:07 AM   #14
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Re: My Exhusband

I am not sure what is really bothering you about this blast from the past. Is it that it has brought up feelings (anger, fear) that you may not have completely dealt with? He must have done a real number on you for you to be this disturbed by even this indirect contact. Realistically speaking, there seems to be no threat to you in this contact as it is. Your ex is out of your life, and telling R what he wants to know won't change this. Don't give the ******* any space in your head, flag off R with his info, and relax and forget it. Cheers, Sera

 
Old 09-16-2008, 09:24 AM   #15
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Re: My Exhusband

rosequartz,
My husband doesn't know what to think. His first response was "why is it we just can't get this loser out of our lives?". I think he is affraid of my ex finding out where we are and then finding a way to get to our daughter.

Seraph,
I think my anger and fear have a lot to do with it. I know haven't completely dealt with it because I didn't want it to affect my daughter. I guess that's really not a good excuse though. I do have a lot of anger towards him with how he treated my daughter. I've gotten over how he treated me, but I still can't get over how he treated her. I just have a very hard time understanding how some parents can be so cruel. The fear in me is very real since one of the last times I spoke with him he threatened to come back and take her. That was 3 years ago. I know desparate people do desparate things. I know him well enough to know that he's not affraid of doing something stupid that could cause harm to him or others.

I gave my father the info I had and he is going to deal with it for me. I don't want to get emotional or say anything that shouldn't be said. But knowing the situation my ex is in I still won't be bringing my daughter around my parent's home any time soon just in case.

 
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