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Old 09-15-2008, 07:28 AM   #1
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Join Date: Nov 2004
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bluesky123 HB User
I gave in

I sent him a message saying I would be in his local area today. I jokingly mentioned incase he saw me i wasn't stalking him but going for an interview. I started off the message by saying "Hey Liar." He replied saying I needn't worry because he was out of the area working. I replied I wasn't worried and that I was thinking about how boring he was and a complusive liar. Then I sent him a message saying I was over him, the feelings had gone, but it'd take me a while to get over how much I hated him for the way he treated me. Thankfully he didn't reply.
This all happened yesterday. I was miserable the whole day, had argued with my parents, had pms, generally feeling so, so low.
I wish I hadn't sent those messages. I don't know what came over me, I just saw red. I was so angry yesterday at everything. I wish I could ahve contained myself and left it silently at the last messages we exchanged two weeks ago. Now I seem all bitter and twisted and I hate that.
I hadn't spoken to him in almost two weeks. Things were looking up. Just read through my posts. I was doing ok and you all were so happy for me. But since Friday, I have been one big UGLY mess. I have not been able to control my emotions very well - especially yesterday. I felt heartbroken, i felt raped, i felt violated that he had done this to me again and how i let this happen. Thinking about all the lies he told me, the lies he told me only a few weeks ago, leading me on, winding me up and down. Why did I let this all happen? Because I loved the jerk.
How disgusting I find that. I can bet a million dollars he never loved me. He never told me once. And I kept going back to him for over three years.
I have ruined my pride, my dignity has gone.
I am so down.
How can I pick myself up from this?
I really need to pick myself up and try to get on with my life - happy. I need to be happy again. I need to be at peace. I haven't been for so long.

Last edited by bluesky123; 09-15-2008 at 07:33 AM.

 
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Old 09-15-2008, 09:15 AM   #2
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,910
chevyman HB User
Re: I gave in

Sounds like to me he never loved you at all.

about all you can do is put him in your past and move on with other things, keep yourself so busy you don't have time to dewell.

go out with friends, if you see someone that reminds you of him go home, find a a hobby, be creative about things be postive...but try to keep your self dignity, your pride will come back...respect yourself for you ''no one eles'' if you can do that then your on your way to a better life .

We all make mistakes in our life/get hurt /heartaches/use bad judgement ,ect,,ect,,..thats how we learn and for some of us it happens more times than one.
No ones perfect,
about all anybody can do is START over, believe me I've had to start my life over serveral times.
remember your never a failur if you keep on trying.
Hang in there girl.

Last edited by chevyman; 09-15-2008 at 09:19 AM.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 09:22 AM   #3
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: California
Posts: 2,095
Redneon82 HB User
Re: I gave in

I think it's ok. I'm not sure what kind of response you were hoping to get, but it's ok that you let him know he hurt you. However, it does make clear that you are not over him and he still has the power to hurt you. But 2 weeks is a short time so it would been premature to expect to be over it yet.

I don't think you need to contact him ever again, but that's just my opinion. I think you need to remember how you feel now and realize you don't need to put yourself through that anymore.

Spend time with friends and family, work on your studies, and don't let him ruin any more of your life. Take charge and own your life, you can do whatever you want to now that you aren't tied to him and living your life around what you think he wants.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 03:39 PM   #4
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Alabama
Posts: 778
Mileena42 HB User
Re: I gave in

Ok...ok, so you slipped up. It isn't the end of the world and some weeks from now instead of wishing you hadn't sent the texts you may be glad that you DID ....because you let off a little steam and you didn't try starting a conversation with him making him think you were ready to talk or wanting him back.

No harm done. You just start all over. You know, I could sit here and tell you it was a bad mistake to send the texts, but truthfully I really don't think it was...was it ideal? No. BUT.....it probably isn't as bad as you are thinking. Like I said....I think he gets the picture that you are over him and hate him!

Come on, bounce off this! I still think you are doing great!

Mileena

 
Old 09-15-2008, 06:50 PM   #5
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New York
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Doneil HB User
Re: I gave in

I know how you feel. It's that overwhelming feeling of having contact with him, of initiating contact because you so badley want him to text you.

And guess what, you feel even worse, after you text him, it's a hopeless feeling. I have soooo been there and it really hurts.

It's time to let go. But how does one exactly do that? People say "Get over him!" "He's not worth it!" "You'll meet someone else!" Is this how to let go? NO!

No-body can fully give you the tools to let go, it's something that will come from within and it takes time.....but eventually you wake up more and more each day, and the pain lessens a bit more, till eventually you will be in a place that you will feel pretty damm good.

 
Old 09-16-2008, 01:44 PM   #6
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 289
bluesky123 HB User
Re: I gave in

Thank you all so much!

I really do appreciate everyone posting, all of you.

It really helps, really does, really uplifting.

It is going to take time, I understand, I have been here many times before with my ex. I know it gets better with time. I just have to keep myself busy, make positive plans for future etc.

But right now, because I am all over the place, I can't seem to figure out a positive framework from which to view things from.

Do I hate him? Right now yes. Other times no.

I don't want to blame him but I can't help it. He hurt me, and it was all so needless.
he led me on for months, slept with me, use to shout at me that it was never a good time to talk, yet again he is having the time of his life moving on away from me and I am stuck here trying to pick myself up from the emotional and verbal abuse he gave me - it was quite bad, he would shout at the top of his voice and say really horrible things. I would never raise my voice to him, even in return, as as act of defence. I think he has an anger problem.

So maybe I am to hate him?

I also can't stop thinking that he will come crawling back again or I think he will never talk to me again.

I should have a certain framework, a way of thinking, a way of feeling to make myself think positively to be able to move on without harming myself anymore.

I hate not being consistent with how I feel. I hate being miserable and crying one minute at how much he has hurt me, how shameful this has been and the next minute I think about how much I love him and how this was my fault.
It is driving me crazy, I want some peace in my head and heart!!

 
Old 09-18-2008, 09:15 AM   #7
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Posts: 289
bluesky123 HB User
Re: I gave in

Still finding things difficult.
I am not really eating, so making me even more exhausted.
I keep trying to plan things for the future, to keep busy and positive but its just not working.
I don't have my car and it is making it so difficult to get out and about. I need my car because I live so far from most friends and places of interest.

Things are getting more difficult.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 09:29 AM   #8
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New Hampshire
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happymom28 HB User
Re: I gave in

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluesky123 View Post
Still finding things difficult.
I am not really eating, so making me even more exhausted.
I keep trying to plan things for the future, to keep busy and positive but its just not working.
I don't have my car and it is making it so difficult to get out and about. I need my car because I live so far from most friends and places of interest.

Things are getting more difficult.
Hi bluesky123. I'm sorry that you are having a hard time today. Like I said before, there will be ups and downs. Don't allow yourself to get discouraged because of it.

I think it is too soon for you to try to make future plans. I think taking it one day at a time is the best bet. Set small goals for yourself and when they become second nature you can take a bigger task. Sometimes it is hard to stay positive, but it really is a mind over matter thing. The glass needs to be half full instead of half empty.

So you don't have your car? Okay, go for a walk. Go to a different place of interest in an attempt to meet some new people. Do something in your apartment you have been meaning to do like cleaning on your closet. Don't think of it as "I have no way to get anywhere so I'm down" think of it as "I need to find a new way to something I want to do". I know it sounds easier than it is, but you never know until you try.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 09:38 AM   #9
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Posts: 289
bluesky123 HB User
Re: I gave in

Thanks for replying Happymom.

I have been feeling so down and I am really starting to hate myself.

I keep thinking how happy I was with him. I keep thinking back to a year ago. It is soul destroying.

I don't have anyone as near as special.

I don't even want to meet friends and go out anymore.

I don't see things getting better for me in the near future - making it so much more difficult for me. I keep trying to make plans etc but I am so exhausted and I am still unsure of where I want to be going in life even at the age of 23.

I hate myself for still loving him. I sometimes think he will come back. Other times I pinch myself back to reality - he was clear, he had no feelings.

I'm all over the place and other than ride it out, keep busy etc I don't know what else to do.
I hate feeling this way, it can get pretty intense at times.

I want to go away so desperately but may have to wait until December. No one is free to go away with me.

I am fed up and bored with my life. Finished college, started full time work etc no break.

I'm at a total loss in every part of my life.

I know I need to forget him but while I'm at a loss again, he is planning a holiday with friends, started a great new job. Its just so unfair some people ahve all the money, time and opportunities - believe me, everything fell into place for him. And look at me. I don't feel sorry for myself. I hate myself.

You know what I'd really like to do? Run away. Far, far, far away from this place.

Last edited by bluesky123; 09-18-2008 at 09:39 AM.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 09:41 AM   #10
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 289
bluesky123 HB User
Re: I gave in

I want to be really happy, like I was about a year and a half ago.
Everything seemed perfect and I didn't have a single complaint.
I was in love, we were doing great things together etc.

I can't even find someone to do special things with. Even friends...

Jeez...I feel so lonely, dull and bland.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 09:41 AM   #11
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happymom28 HB User
Re: I gave in

Why do you have to take a trip with someone? Why not just plan a long weekend by yourself somewhere you have always wanted to go? You shouldn't have to rely on someone else to go with you to do something fun. That is part of being "independent". Maybe that is just what you need. Seeing that you can go out and do something new, just you, and be okay.

 
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