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Old 09-15-2008, 07:04 PM   #1
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why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

 
Old 09-15-2008, 07:11 PM   #2
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Re: why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

Try reading the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"

Women like to vent and men like to solve problems.

 
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Old 09-15-2008, 07:24 PM   #3
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Question Re: why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

Quote:
Originally Posted by matter of time View Post
Try reading the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"

Women like to vent and men like to solve problems.
The thing is our situation is so far beyond that book & much more complex. In our situation, he was/is the venter/whiner & I am the problem solver. Or I was until a brain aneurysm took me out of the game for awhile. Now I am 95% recovered except for a limp & he has gotten 95% worse than he was. He doesn't want to stay at home, he'll instigate quarrels so he can storm out & if I try to talk to him about this, he looks at me like I'm speaking Swahili.

I have no cognizance problems, nor do I have anything wrong to make my speech hard to understand. Ironically, tho' the aneurysm happened in my head, none of the damage caused by it went above my shoulders.

I have two grown daughters by a previous marriage who say my husband can't deal with someone who can no longer do everything for him.

 
Old 09-16-2008, 04:00 AM   #4
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Re: why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

Maybe your daughters are right. Stop putting up with this man treating you this way (esp. after all you've been through) and show him the door!

Mileena

 
Old 09-16-2008, 06:22 AM   #5
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Re: why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

I have to agree that I think your daughters are right. It seems he is now angry and resentful towards you because you can no longer do for him what he is accustomed to. I guess the question is, what are you going to do about it? Can you see yourself living the rest of your life with a man who is treating you like this?

 
Old 09-16-2008, 06:43 AM   #6
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Re: why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

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Originally Posted by Kristenaux View Post
why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

he's either not making an effort to, or he's playing dumb.......
I agree with the others.....show him the door

 
Old 09-16-2008, 07:30 AM   #7
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Re: why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

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he's either not making an effort to, or he's playing dumb.......
I agree with the others.....show him the door
Thanks to everyone for their quick responses. I did not expect that, but it's certainly made me feel better about myself just knowing that it's not 'all my fault'. He's been holding me responsible for my brain pop because it was me, (after I'd quit smoking at his request) that decided to take the original Metabolife - the one with Ephedra in it. According to the docs at UPMC that was the cause of the aneurysm & subsequent rupture.

I do understand his feelings of resentment. This has made victims of both of us. But I think I'm the bigger victim because while he can still go out & run, bike, skate, climb mountains, I no longer can. He has to do these things without me now, which saddens both of us.
And neither can I hang wallpaper, paint, or any of the other things that are left to him now that I can no longer do ladders. But when I try to broach the subject of any of this, he just keeps saying the same thing repeatedly - this whole thing has changed me!

happymom28 & Mileena42 - I can't really leave. If I did, I would be left without health care coverage (which I really need) & also any financial stability. Any job I got would have to be a manual labor one due to a poor education. As I've already mentioned I'm not good with that any longer, plus I tire easily now. So I would like to at least co-exist with this man even if love has flown.


 
Old 09-16-2008, 09:02 AM   #8
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Re: why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

I just have to add a different perspective to this problem. Anytime you or your lifetime partner has a life altering condition it affects the both of you and you both go through the grief of loss...you both go through the death and dying of what use to be. I have no doubt your husband gets angry with what life now has in store for the both of you. He I am sure feels cheated and he now has to figure out how to do things without you by his side. I am sure he is very angry that you can't be with him doing the things you both did together. His coping skills just aren't at the level of yours. While you were acutely ill and being educated as to what to expect in your recovery ...what about him... he too needs time to adjust to this traumatic event that has happened. He married someone totally different so maybe he just can't get a handle on what is the future for the two of you. If he married someone that was the problem solver then that is what he would expect...he is the same man you married and he is finding it very difficult to be someone he never was. Stop fighting/arguing about it...make your home a safe place for him to be he will slowly adjust to your disabilities. Now you must problem solve on what the two of you can do together and stop arguing or lamenting over what you can't do. How's the sex life? Good luck.

 
Old 09-16-2008, 09:42 AM   #9
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Re: why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnD View Post
I just have to add a different perspective to this problem. Anytime you or your lifetime partner has a life altering condition it affects the both of you and you both go through the grief of loss...you both go through the death and dying of what use to be. I have no doubt your husband gets angry with what life now has in store for the both of you. He I am sure feels cheated and he now has to figure out how to do things without you by his side. I am sure he is very angry that you can't be with him doing the things you both did together. His coping skills just aren't at the level of yours. While you were acutely ill and being educated as to what to expect in your recovery ...what about him... he too needs time to adjust to this traumatic event that has happened. He married someone totally different so maybe he just can't get a handle on what is the future for the two of you. If he married someone that was the problem solver then that is what he would expect...he is the same man you married and he is finding it very difficult to be someone he never was. Stop fighting/arguing about it...make your home a safe place for him to be he will slowly adjust to your disabilities. Now you must problem solve on what the two of you can do together and stop arguing or lamenting over what you can't do. How's the sex life? Good luck.
Ann;
It's great to see another perspective. It is like ingredients to a good meal. You can't have all one thing - same with problem solving.

The fighting/arguing is instigated by him & not myself. I've always avoided fighting...however, he will dog my footsteps around the house hollering at the back of my head until I respond. If I lock myself in a room, he will either holler thru' the door or pound on the door til I open it.
Quote:
While you were acutely ill and being educated as to what to expect in your recovery ...what about him... he too needs time to adjust to this traumatic event that has happened. He married someone totally different so maybe he just can't get a handle on what is the future for the two of you.
The thing is, he was right at my side thru' my entire rehab, & the therapists taught him everything he needed to do to help my recovery happen. He never 'found the time' but that's a whole other issue to this one. Suffice to say, I did better than everyone expected, even to the point of my neurosurgeon joking he was going to put my face on the side of buses as his poster person.

My husband knows that I don't look at things as a handicap but rather as a challenge & I will attempt to do things I've been warned not to. I have no choice because if I don't they don't get done. He has actually bragged about that to others.
It is such a complicated situation & worsening daily. I wish I could just sit quietly & talk about things but he won't hear of it. It gets explosive if I suggest a mediator or counseling.

>> How's the sex life? <<

Is this a trick question? In a word, nonexistent & has been for years now. That is issue #3. And not my issue either.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 05:30 AM   #10
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Re: why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kristenaux View Post
...It is such a complicated situation & worsening daily. I wish I could just sit quietly & talk about things but he won't hear of it. It gets explosive if I suggest a mediator or counseling.

>> How's the sex life? <<

Is this a trick question? In a word, nonexistent & has been for years now. That is issue #3. And not my issue either.
I see. I am new on this thread, so I may have missed the fundamentals. But I was thinking that maybe you and your husband could reverse your roles, if you see what I mean. You sit down quietly not to talk to him but to listen to him in the first place. You say he doesn't hear you, but maybe you don't hear him, either. So, let him talk first and then add your point-of-view. I think it is always good policy to hear first (you have to be patient, right?) and then, in your turn, talk or ask for some time to think before giving an answer.

Last edited by pendulum; 09-17-2008 at 05:31 AM.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 07:02 AM   #11
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Re: why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

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Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
I see. I am new on this thread, so I may have missed the fundamentals. But I was thinking that maybe you and your husband could reverse your roles, if you see what I mean. You sit down quietly not to talk to him but to listen to him in the first place. You say he doesn't hear you, but maybe you don't hear him, either. So, let him talk first and then add your point-of-view. I think it is always good policy to hear first (you have to be patient, right?) and then, in your turn, talk or ask for some time to think before giving an answer.
Pendulum - It's beginning to sound like I have an answer for every suggestion people here give, but I truly have tried many of these, which is why I've turned to a message board forum for additional ideas.

Initially, listening that was all I did. Our relationship began because I provided a good sympathetic ear - I listened to how bad things were at home & what a tyrant his mother was. Then it was how the profs targeted him at college...then it was the boss showing favoritism to others. After a few years of this I began to realize that perhaps he saw things a bit differently than they actually were. My Dad said he thought that my husband had a 'poor me' complex.

But yes, I have always listened to him & tried to make suggestions that he could apply to a given situation. And he always said he appreciated that. I was the problem solver...
One of his workmates said once that his favorite topic was him...this was said in a joking manner but I think, living with him, it's evident that there's more than just a little truth to it.

As far as listening to him now tho', I have no choice. He constantly screams in my face & if I get a chance to say anything he will either start coughing loudly thru' my entire conversation [using that word loosely] or excuse himself to go to the bathroom. I took it upon myself to suggest an anger management clinic but all that succeeded in doing was make him angrier. A lose - lose attempt there.

I need something that will make him interested enough to stay with what I'm saying. Last night I had computer trouble & it kept crashing. When I asked if he could take a look at it, I had to ask four times before he heard what I said.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 07:13 AM   #12
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Re: why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

get rid of him.....he doesn't respect you, he doesn't treat you with respect......
you're just not a priority.....you had to ask 4 X for something?
at that point he needs a 2 X 4 to the head to get his attention......
it's not you.....it's him......trust me.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 07:21 AM   #13
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Re: why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
get rid of him.....he doesn't respect you, he doesn't treat you with respect......
you're just not a priority.....you had to ask 4 X for something?
at that point he needs a 2 X 4 to the head to get his attention......
it's not you.....it's him......trust me.
Rose,

Here's an excerpt from a previous post by Kristenaux:

<< I can't really leave. If I did, I would be left without health care coverage (which I really need) & also any financial stability. Any job I got would have to be a manual labor one due to a poor education. As I've already mentioned I'm not good with that any longer, plus I tire easily now. So I would like to at least co-exist with this man even if love has flown. >>

P.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 07:48 AM   #14
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Re: why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

I think you need to explore your options.......is there any family or friends you could stay with? Look into your options for insurance, or public assistance, or a part time job with insurance. These are all important considerations, but staying in an unhealthy relationship is just making your health worse. The stress and unhappiness alone will take it's toll on you, mentally as well as physically. I urge you to come up with some plan to get out of this situation.......it's taking you down like quicksand.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 02:47 PM   #15
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Re: why doesn't my husband understand what I'm saying?

I think u spoiled this man terribly. i think u got used to asking that many times. If you treat him like a kid, he's gonna act like a kid. if u go to him for help once, and he doesn't respond just say a quiet, disappointed,or sad "fine" and walk away quietly. dont make him think u need him that desperate. don't argue with him, write him a letter(1 1/2Page) everytime u think talking is not gonna work out . it sounds like he loves to talk. if your not there to listen to him he's gonna die or something. he needs u too because of that and he's not that great in bed right. really try hard to gain ur respect back otherwise u can't save urself. go to self-help sections in book stores or disciplining children section. really find out what's the different between ur husband and a child.

 
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