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Old 09-17-2008, 11:03 AM   #1
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Will I see him again?

Background:

I have been seeing this guy for 4 months. We have an undefined relationship..as in we hang out when we can and talk a few times per week sometimes more sometimes less. He lives an hour from me so it's not like I can just stop by his house whenever I want to... last time I was there I left my box set dvds..to which he said "oh well just get them next time, see you soon"

Since that time our communication has for the most part seemed its usual. I have not seen him in 3 weekends however for reasons of one or both of us being busy or out of town. Though we spoke a little bit on Sunday night {removed}, I called him yesterday and he didn't answer or return my call. And I texted him just something casual to which again he did not respond.

Normally in relationships I take the "whatever" route as in if someone seems to be getting flaky I just stop talking to them and things normally end that way. I do not want that this time. I feel I need to see him one more time to kind of leave things on my terms. It is something I have to do for myself and then I am confident I can walk away and cut off my contact (hopefully).

Do you think I will get to see him one more time on the next month?

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 09-17-2008 at 12:45 PM. Reason: Do not mention other websites. Read & Follow our rules! Thank you!

 
Old 09-17-2008, 11:10 AM   #2
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Re: Will I see him again?

Maybe he has ended it on HIS terms...who knows what he is thinkin.

 
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Old 09-17-2008, 11:16 AM   #3
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Re: Will I see him again?

I wouldn't worry too much about the terms. Leave a message saying you want to get your dvds back and you need a time when you can come pick them up or he can come drop them off. Boxed sets can be pretty expensive, yes? That's what I would be concerned with the most, just getting them back.

I learned a long time ago never to play the "whose heart is less on the line, who's less invested, who cares about the other the least" game with men. Don't bother playing it. You'll lose that game every time. Men are the champs. I agree with AnnD. Looks like he's already blown you off on his terms, so don't sweat it. Just get your dvds back, say good riddence, and onward and upward.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 11:17 AM   #4
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Re: Will I see him again?

stop contacting him. If he is still interested, he will call you. I know it is hard when you really like someone.....but it usually works best this way.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 12:37 PM   #5
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Re: Will I see him again?

well it's hard to say without a working crystal ball.....but one thing I've learned over the years.......don't leave stuff at people's houses that you aren't willing to forfeit......

 
Old 09-17-2008, 12:46 PM   #6
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Re: Will I see him again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
well it's hard to say without a working crystal ball.....but one thing I've learned over the years.......don't leave stuff at people's houses that you aren't willing to forfeit......
Yes it was very expensive. It was such an accident. I normally leave nothing over there at all. But I do want them back. I am not just going to stop contacting him. How could he just stop talking to me when last time we talked everything seemed normal? what is WRONG with him? ugh!

 
Old 09-17-2008, 12:54 PM   #7
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Re: Will I see him again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassiopia View Post
Yes it was very expensive. It was such an accident. I normally leave nothing over there at all. But I do want them back. I am not just going to stop contacting him. How could he just stop talking to me when last time we talked everything seemed normal? what is WRONG with him? ugh!
So, am I correct in that your relationship is the casual, see you when I see you, no committments of any kind, friends with benefits kind of deal? No offense, but I think labeling that as a "relationship" is kind of a stretch, don't you think?

In all honesty, I'm of the opinion he met someone else and is devoting his time to her. In other words, he ended it on his terms. There's no telling if he will call you again or you will see him again, but does that really matter? Don't you think you deserve better than being his casual "I'll call you when I can fit you in" friend? If I were you, I would either text or email him that you want your DVDs back and be done. What other outcome do you really want out of this situation?

 
Old 09-17-2008, 02:16 PM   #8
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Re: Will I see him again?

If it was casual all along, then somewhere in the middle of the game you changed the rules without letting him in on it. Casual means just that. If he isn't available, then he just isn't and doesn't "owe" you an explaination. However, like LLM I would be concerned about my box sets. I would be in the mode of getting them returned to me.

The sad thing I usually find in women who agree to the "casual" thing is that a lot of them go to the next level on their own and just "assume" that the other person has as well. MOST of the time, men who start off that way also finish that way. It certainly sounds like this is what has happened here.

Lesson learned.....if you aren't willing (truthfully most women aren't) to settle for "casual" then make that known upfront. You can avoid situations like this one in the future.

Mileena

 
Old 09-17-2008, 03:22 PM   #9
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Re: Will I see him again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassiopia View Post
How could he just stop talking to me when last time we talked everything seemed normal? what is WRONG with him? ugh!
Nothing's really wrong with him. He's just a man. That's what they do. So many times women kid themselves and get into a "casual" situation and they think hey, the sex is great, we talk we laugh, we have fun, of course he loves me, of course it's turning into something more. And all the while he's thinking "isn't this great, we talk, we laugh, we have great sex, then when she's gone, I get to talk and laugh and have great sex with all these other great women because they all agreed it's "just having fun" up front! What a deal!!!" He probably sensed that you were beginning to want more than what you first bargained for so he cut and ran, or some other woman who played the game a little better stood out and now he's chasing her.

I just read a study that said only 10% of friends with benefits types of situations actually develop into a real relationship. Ten out of every one hundred, not very much. Men have a tendancy to categorize and compartmentalize their lives. They like you figured out as soon as possible. If they thing "casual sex girl, not serious relationship material" and that's where you usually stay. As much as we modern women hate to face the fact, the truth is, our grandmothers were right when they said "a man will never buy the cow when he can get all the milk he wants for free." We hate to hear it, but it's the gospel truth.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 05:55 AM   #10
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Re: Will I see him again?

Still no contact?

Here are my recommended options:

1) I'd leave him a message asking him to post your DVDs to you
I kept asking my ex to do this. He had left me and started dating someone new. I kept asking for my things back. I even asked him to post my things to me. He didn't.

2) Go round to his place when you know he will be there and ask for your DVDs back and once you have them, leave immediately after having a civil chat.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 09:35 AM   #11
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Re: Will I see him again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
So, am I correct in that your relationship is the casual, see you when I see you, no committments of any kind, friends with benefits kind of deal? No offense, but I think labeling that as a "relationship" is kind of a stretch, don't you think?

In all honesty, I'm of the opinion he met someone else and is devoting his time to her. In other words, he ended it on his terms. There's no telling if he will call you again or you will see him again, but does that really matter? Don't you think you deserve better than being his casual "I'll call you when I can fit you in" friend? If I were you, I would either text or email him that you want your DVDs back and be done. What other outcome do you really want out of this situation?
I didn't want to make my original post really long because then no one really reads it but to give a little more background...when we first met and started to hang out we had a conversation about why we don't normally get into relationships and what not...both had bad experiences etc. After we were hanging out for a little while we had a conversation about how we felt about each other..and actually he's the one that brought that conversation up. We never put a "label" on our relationship but basically just told each other we noticed how well we got along and how much we had in common and that just in general, we liked each other past the physical part.

It isn't like I go to his house, have sex and then take off. I normally go over there around 4 or something on a Friday...we hang out..watch movies..eat dinner..go out somewhere...etc. and then I leave saturday afternoon normally. So even though we are not in a "serious" relationship...I would call what we have some kind of relationship all the same.

This is why it has been so confusing because any time i have been in a friends with benefits arrangement, I keep it as strictly that. No one says how they feel, and its not like I spent a lot of hanging out time with those people. Do you see why it is a different kind of situation? Its not cut and dry which is normally the kind of person I am.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 09:41 AM   #12
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Re: Will I see him again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluesky123 View Post
Still no contact?

Here are my recommended options:

1) I'd leave him a message asking him to post your DVDs to you
I kept asking my ex to do this. He had left me and started dating someone new. I kept asking for my things back. I even asked him to post my things to me. He didn't.

2) Go round to his place when you know he will be there and ask for your DVDs back and once you have them, leave immediately after having a civil chat.
We actually spoke on the phone yesterday for a while. Normally I am not very assertive but before we got off the phone I was like "um..actually there is one more thing. I might be in the area next Friday. Not to be obnoxious..but I want my dvds back..so if i end up in the area I am stopping by to get them"

He didn't sound angry or put off by what I said to which I was glad. He said "yea that's fine, we were probably going to hang out that weekend anyway" I was like "well whatever i'll talk to you about it next week"

So if i am able to be in the area that day I will get them then..but I am not driving all the way out there just for dvds so I am hoping another friend I have in the area will want to hang out.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 09:45 AM   #13
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Re: Will I see him again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassiopia View Post
I didn't want to make my original post really long because then no one really reads it but to give a little more background...when we first met and started to hang out we had a conversation about why we don't normally get into relationships and what not...both had bad experiences etc. After we were hanging out for a little while we had a conversation about how we felt about each other..and actually he's the one that brought that conversation up. We never put a "label" on our relationship but basically just told each other we noticed how well we got along and how much we had in common and that just in general, we liked each other past the physical part.

It isn't like I go to his house, have sex and then take off. I normally go over there around 4 or something on a Friday...we hang out..watch movies..eat dinner..go out somewhere...etc. and then I leave saturday afternoon normally. So even though we are not in a "serious" relationship...I would call what we have some kind of relationship all the same.

This is why it has been so confusing because any time i have been in a friends with benefits arrangement, I keep it as strictly that. No one says how they feel, and its not like I spent a lot of hanging out time with those people. Do you see why it is a different kind of situation? Its not cut and dry which is normally the kind of person I am.
I had something very similar with a guy friend of mine way back when. We enjoyed eachother's company, we got along well, we had similar interests, etc.. We never really put a label on our situation either, but at the same time there was no committment. Then he found someone he wanted to be in a relationship and I was left feeling pretty crappy because I thought we were different, but we weren't. It was still a no strings attached sort of deal even though we had more than just sex. Does that make sense?

It may not have been so "cut and dry" for you, but he may still have been for him. I'm not trying to be mean at all, but you have to remember that men and women think very differently when it comes to these sorts of things.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 09:50 AM   #14
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Re: Will I see him again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassiopia View Post
We actually spoke on the phone yesterday for a while. Normally I am not very assertive but before we got off the phone I was like "um..actually there is one more thing. I might be in the area next Friday. Not to be obnoxious..but I want my dvds back..so if i end up in the area I am stopping by to get them"

He didn't sound angry or put off by what I said to which I was glad. He said "yea that's fine, we were probably going to hang out that weekend anyway" I was like "well whatever i'll talk to you about it next week"

So if i am able to be in the area that day I will get them then..but I am not driving all the way out there just for dvds so I am hoping another friend I have in the area will want to hang out.
So, that's it?

Are you going to talk to him about what is going on between you two?
Or are you simply going over there to pick up DVDs and leaving it at that?

 
Old 09-18-2008, 10:03 AM   #15
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Re: Will I see him again?

I had a similar situation that went on for 2 1/2 years! At the end, he married someone else shortly afterward. He said the same things, that we get along great, have great sex, he liked me a lot, he'd come over Friday night and stay until Monday morning...but he married her, not me. I didn't particularly want to marry him since I started to lose feelings after all that time, but it just goes to show that you can have what you think is something "more" but to him, it is what it is and nothing more.

So unless the two of you sit down and determine that you are a couple, you aren't. Don't assume, because that often leads to hurt and disappointment. If you want more you shouldn't be afraid to ask for it. At least you'll know.

 
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