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Old 09-17-2008, 04:26 PM   #1
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Should I just forgive and forget?

I'll try to make this as informational but brief as I can. I had suspected my husband of cheating. I wasn't sure if it had gotten to the actual sex part or if it was of the heart and headed to sexual. He introduced me to this woman 3 years ago and I instantly noticed an unnormal spark between them. But I noticedthat she seemed to flirt and hang on all men, except her own husband, who she did nothing but complain about. My husband reassured me that he had no interest in her, and had no sexual attraction to her at all. I didn't like her at first but we eventually became friends and my husband kept pushing us together saying how he knew that we would become best friends. And we did, but, there was still that nagging feeling when I would watch them together. It just seemed so clear that more was going on between them. She always needed to be touching him when we were together, just little arm touches, but you know, what I mean. Then one day I saw this look between them that said it all. Maybe not sex but definately strong feelings shared and he just seemed to be getting further away from me. I confronted my husband and he said that he had become too close to her and and had feelings for her, but nothing had happened, he swore that he had never touched her, never kissed her, nothing, and he swore that he talked to her and they realized what had happened and agreed that it had to stop. He promised me and swore to God that NOTHING happened, but told me several weeks later during an arguement that she had given him the opportunity and he passed it up, because he Loved me, and to stop dragging it out and forgive him. I asked at that time if he even kissed her, and he promised he didn't. So I stopped being her friend, we stopped doing everything with them, and then a month ago I saw her number on his phone. He said that she just called to see how he was doing, and that there was no reason for me to be upset, that he should still be able to talk to her if she calls, and that I should trust him. I feel like he should completely delete her from our lives and not talk to her at all. I had forgiven him and was trying to get on with my relationship with him, but this got me wondering how often they really talk or if they were still seeing each other. And in the month before I saw the call, he had started losing weight, he got his teeth whitened, he bought new underwear, and he had been leaving his cell phone at work or in his car.
Anyway, I asked him again if anything happened between them, and he finally said yes. She had called him to come to her house to help her with something and had propositioned him for sex and that he had refused and said he loved me. When I aslked when this happened he said a year to year and a half ago. This was before we had been spending so much time with her and we had become friends. He asked me to please forgive him and that I should be glad that nothing happened and he Loved me enough to refuse. Well then last week we got into an arguement because she called again and he admitted that he had kissed her when she propositioned him, but then realized what he was doing and stopped and left.
The thing is now he is saying that we cannot have a good relationship because I won't drop what happened between him and thios woman. I asked him to just be honest with me and tell me exactly what happened and that I would forgive him, but he says no I won't because it has been a year and I still bring it up and won't drop it. But that is because the story changes everytime we discuss it and more stuff is added that he has promised before never happened. Plus she continues to pop up in our lives and that hurts me again. He says that he never gave me the true details because he was trying to protect me and not hurt me so he lied about the details, but I knew in my heart that more had happened. I just want him to be completely honest and then we can move on from there. Even if he is the one who stated the kissing session, or it was mutual, I want to know the truth, instead of him lying and then added more details as time goes by. I also feel that she should not call, she should be cut out of his life permenantly. But he says that it is me not forgiving him that is the problem, not her calling once in awhile. But she doesn't call me, she calls him. Does it seem like this is my fault and that I should just drop it and forgive him and not say anything if she does check in on him. He says there are no feeling between them at all any longer. I do get scared that if she calls he may go see her and get those feelings for her back, and this start all over agian, that is why I feel that he should tell her never to call again. We are at the point where hesays that if I cannot forgive him, and stop dwelling on this that there is no reason for us to stay together, but he Loves me and wants no one but me, but he cannot deal with me anymore. Advice please!!!

Last edited by stayd2lng4u; 09-17-2008 at 04:44 PM.

 
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Old 09-17-2008, 04:54 PM   #2
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Re: Should I just forgive and forget?

Are you kidding me?!? He actually expects you to buy his line of bull-hooey that it is somehow your fault??!!! Please! He is the one who crossed the line, who more than likely cheated, who still has contact with the woman, lied to you about it all, and it is YOUR fault? What planet is he from? This is not your fault. No matter you may or may not have ever done-now or in the past, this situation is all his fault. You have every right to be angry, to have lost trust and to suspicious. If he doesn't like then too bad, he should have thought of that before he messed around. If he wants to repair this relationship, or more importantly, if you want to try to stay with him, then you must go to counseling. This is issue is too big, complicated and painful for you to have to deal with on your own. Plus he may not eve understand where you are coming from no matter how much you try to explain it, a professional may be able to break it down and help him "get" it. As far as he goes, well, I will keep my opinions to myself, but he needs to be transparent as far as you are concerned. If you want to know everything he does at any given moment, then he should let you know. If there is nothing left to hide then this won't be a problem.

Don't let him pull the it's your fault. That is just his slimy way of getting out of your crosshairs and getting the focus off of him and what he did, and putting on you. You are not to blame. Period. The only two people to blame are him and her. They share the blame equally. They both betrayed you. Him more, simply because he is your husband. She is just a backstabbing catty homewrecker.

Ok I am ranting for you. So sorry for all you have been through. Seriously, go to counseling even if he won't. Please take care of yourself and do whatever you need to in order to heal and be happy.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 05:06 PM   #3
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Re: Should I just forgive and forget?

I think that from what you have described, there were and are feelings there between your husband and this woman. The fact that he even "thinks" it is ok to continue to speak to her over the phone is just plain wrong. His relationship (whether physical or just emotional) with this woman has caused him to make very poor decisions in your marriage so if he wants to stay in the marriage, she needs to go - that includes any and all contact with her. For two people who have had feelings for eachother and shared at the very least a kiss, I do not believe that the phone calls do not bring up feelings between the two of them - if not more.

My big problem here is that your husband is pinning the blame on you - that if you would let this go there would not be a problem. "Does it seem like this is my fault and that I should just drop it and forgive him and not say anything if she does check in on him." He's twisting things to make you feel like you have no right to ask questions or get answers about his indiscretions when in reality, he should be thankful that you are still at all! He is manipulating you and shifting the guilt from him to you. Please do not let this happen. Stand up for yourself and do not let him treat you and your marriage with such disrespect. Are you afraid that if you push the issue he will leave you? It seems there would have to be a reason why you would be so cautiously working through this, but I can't tell from your post what it may be.

I'm sure you are going to get a lot of strong responses here because this post really just brings out frustration and anger over what is going on and how your husband is treating you --- when you read these posts you will see that your husband should be thankful that you are as understanding as you are because some of these other women would still have him seeing stars!

 
Old 09-17-2008, 05:39 PM   #4
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Re: Should I just forgive and forget?

What a jerk!!! How dare he keep on talking to this woman and expect you to wear it. He might as well be having sex with her, this is pretty much as bad. He is hanging on to the relationship with her to the detriment of his marriage, and your love and trust. Do not stop! You have every right to protest and insist on her being out of your lives. And do not buy his cr@p about you being to blame in any way. Call this woman and give her an earful too, see how he likes that! Sera.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 05:40 PM   #5
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Re: Should I just forgive and forget?

I realized that I left out one very major part of my post, that is one of the most disturbing things to me about this, and one of the things I clearly don't understand. My husband has stated that this encounter with her happened before her and I really became close friends, and we started spending alot of time with her and her husband. I saw these looks between them during the time that we were with them, but my husband continued to reassure me that there was nothing between her and him. If she had propositioned him sexually at her house and he had refused her and said that he Loved me, why would he and I be going out with them and spending time at their house AFTER this happened, with him reassuring me that nothing had ever happened. Wouldn't he want to get far away from her, instead of spending more time with her and pushing me to be her friend. It seems that he should have been uncomfortable around her, and her around me, but even after that when we were all together she was still hanging on him. And this look that I witnessed was after this supposed encounter. He says that they just agreed to not let the relationship go further and stay friends. Is this possible? If one of our male friends had propositioned me I would have immediately went to my husband and told him that we could no longer spend time with them, not push for my husband to become closer friends with that man. He put me in a position where I became closer to her and that even makes it hurt worse, and I cannot understand why he would do that. We no longer go do things with them, but that is because I refuse and cut her off.
His explanation for becoming close to her is that he cannot talk to me, and we were going through a rough time and he confided in her because he had no one else. OK, I understand that, but the rest does not make sense.
My husband insists that he Loves me and only me, but that I cannot forgive him for his mistake. But when he says it, it doesn't seem heartfelt. It's more like OK, I made a mistake, get over it. I've said I'm sorry a hundred times, so drop it. And I would if she would stop popping back up, and if he had told me the truth from the beginning, not change the story everytime it comes up. The next time it may possibly be, oh, yeah, she performed oral sex on me, but I realized it was wrong and stopped her in the middle.
And to be very honest, if he did actually have sex with her, and he admitted it and was seriously sorry and never talked to her again. We could propbably fix our relationship and I would forgive him for it. But the story that he has produced just doesn't add up or make sense and I know that he is still talking to her, he may have never had sex with her, but she is still in the picture and I cannot get over that fact, and I don't think I should have to. why can't he understand that and just drop the b---- completely instead of telling me that I cannot drop what happened.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 05:44 PM   #6
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Re: Should I just forgive and forget?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
What a jerk!!! How dare he keep on talking to this woman and expect you to wear it. He might as well be having sex with her, this is pretty much as bad. He is hanging on to the relationship with her to the detriment of his marriage, and your love and trust. Do not stop! You have every right to protest and insist on her being out of your lives. And do not buy his cr@p about you being to blame in any way. Call this woman and give her an earful too, see how he likes that! Sera.
Seraph, I did talk to her, she told me that she never propostioned him and that nothing like that ever happened, that she Loves her husband and has never had any interest in my husband and that she didn't believe that my husband said any of that, that I was making it up because I have issues.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 06:04 PM   #7
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Re: Should I just forgive and forget?

Quote:
Originally Posted by stayd2lng4u View Post
Seraph, I did talk to her, she told me that she never propostioned him and that nothing like that ever happened, that she Loves her husband and has never had any interest in my husband and that she didn't believe that my husband said any of that, that I was making it up because I have issues.
I'm guessing she said this because she doesn't want her husband finding ANY of this out. Too bad you didn't all get together anymore - you could ask them both point blank at the same time and see them start pointing fingers at eachother.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 06:43 PM   #8
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Re: Should I just forgive and forget?

Quote:
Originally Posted by luckydarlin View Post
I'm guessing she said this because she doesn't want her husband finding ANY of this out. Too bad you didn't all get together anymore - you could ask them both point blank at the same time and see them start pointing fingers at eachother.
That was a good one!

Should you just forgive and forget?

In most of my posts on this board I will seldom say a categorical no or a categorical yes, because every story has two sides and often the poster is not telling the whole story, only her or his version.

But this one case - your case - is as clear as crystal. And it is enough, self-evident. We don't need to hear the other party. His explanations, on the other hand, are as clear as mud. I wouldn't believe one tenth of it. Nobody would, unless they were born yesterday.

I really don't think you need a new pair of glasses.

So, my answer to your question is no. He is playing with you. He is disrespecting you. He is confusing and confounding you.

I am really sorry you are going through this. I hope there are no children involved in this marriage, because this would only increase your pain.

I am rather skeptical about couple counselling for this case, because it is only you having those issues, right? But how am I to know? Anyway, I am afraid the next step would be your getting some legal advice.

Last edited by pendulum; 09-18-2008 at 01:50 AM.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 07:31 PM   #9
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Re: Should I just forgive and forget?

Hello There,
Maybe you should talk to this womans husband or her Mom about it.
A lie detector test would be good for your husband to take, I know when a person is lying they have a significant decrease in strenth.
Have him squeez a weight scale as hard as he can to see how many pounds of pressure he has, have him do it a 2nd time while you ask him if he loves this woman, if it decreases you have busted him.
That would be my main concern if he loves her or not.

Hope things work out for the best!
Carole

 
Old 09-17-2008, 08:48 PM   #10
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Re: Should I just forgive and forget?

I remember you posted a few weeks ago or a bit longer about divorcing your husband. At that point you had already made up your mind and hired a lawyer. What happened with all of that?

 
Old 09-17-2008, 09:45 PM   #11
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Re: Should I just forgive and forget?

I seem to be catching the end of this profound story. Not on your part but his of course. I've gone through the same thing you're going through about 20 times with my EX husband. Need I say more. You're going to have to decide when enough is enough. You say he keeps saying that he loves you. He has no feelings for her. Since when does love and sex share common ground. It's 2008. Times have changed. How many people do you know that slept with someone on the first date and I assure you it wasn't love. This is one of those times when you have to trust your gut. I kept ignoring my gut so much that I developed IBS. You seem to be a smart woman but don't let this man continue to manipulate you like he's been doing. And this woman needs to be slapped. Have you told her that her constant communication with your husband is putting a strain on your marriage and that you would like her to stop. That of course is the nice approach. Then if that doesn't work then tell him to choose. Turn the tables back on him.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 10:57 PM   #12
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Re: Should I just forgive and forget?

It sounds like your husband is manipulating you and putting the blame on you. It is crazy making. Don't let him do this to you, trust your feelings about the situation. He sounds like a lier and cheater and is sleazy enough to point the finger at you as if this is your fault in some way. And, the woman says that you have issues. How about her issues, propositioning a married man.
I feel that your husband has used you in his deceptive game. It seems that he felt attracted to this woman and then he pushed you into a friendship with her. Why? Obviously so that he could easily see her often. If I were you, I would run, rather than walk away from him.
Don't let those two cheaters manipulate you into thinking that you have a problem and "issues". They are the ones with issues.
I am really sorry that you are going through this. If I were you, I would probably discuss this with her husband.

Last edited by negot; 09-17-2008 at 11:00 PM.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 04:42 AM   #13
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Re: Should I just forgive and forget?

You have every right in the world to be upset. It seems to me that your husband and this woman wanted you all to be friends as a means to cover their "relationship". I don't believe for one moment that there isn't more going on that is why he is so defensive. They have it cooked up between them that you are the delusional one (her saying you have issues, please! ).

The truth is you are NEVER going to get over it because he isn't willing to give her up. He has lied to you so many times (to spare you ) that it is now impossible for you to ever trust a word that comes out of his mouth. If he were truly sorry and wanted forgiveness she would be out of your lives for good and he would be an open book with everything. But he's not. He's still carrying on and thinks he is doing a good job hiding it IMO. If you want to try to work through this and save your marriage then 1)all contact with her needs to stop asap, and 2)you need to seek marriage counselling. If he isn't willing to do either of these your marriage doesn't stand a chance.

I also like the idea of the four of you getting together and you confronting them together in front of her husband. Of course, I would also do it with some proof like cell phone records showing how much they actually talk. I would also try to get into emails or anything else I could just to keep proving what liars they are. Then, with both of them there, I would hand all of this to her husband and say "I thought you should know what our spouses have been up to". Let them try to call you delusional when you have proof.

Honestly, I think you are better off getting far away from your husband. He shows no compassion for what he has done. But the choice is your's on what to do. Marriages can get past affairs, but usually the first step is total honesty and cutting the other person out. That hasn't happened. Don't burry your head in the sand on this one. You are not to blame, but sitting back and accepting his behavior is just as wrong. You deserve better!

 
Old 09-18-2008, 05:22 AM   #14
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Re: Should I just forgive and forget?

Wow what a jerk. This is shocking. Really shocking.

I have never been married nor has a man cheated on me but an ex of mine showed NO compassion for several things he did so wrong and hurt me so much I was in a state for years trying to forgive him, trying to see if I didn't have a problem, there would be no problem, because him just being with me should be enough. I couldn't do it, so I would break up with him often, but he would get me back each time - not because he truely loved me or begged for me back but because he kept saying I needed to give things more time, I needed to let go. He made me think it was all my fault and I held the solution. I loved him so much I let him do this to me. I suffered, and I am still not over things that happened two years ago.

YOU cannot let this situation continue. I am surprised you have done for this long but I can understand because I have been there.

If it were my husband, I swear, I would have asked him to leave (no not asking, I would have chucked him out) or I would have left.

It is awful what this pair have done to you, really awful. But now you need to act to defend yourself otherwise things are only going to get worse for you, believe you me.

You obviously still love your husband and want to make it work.
But why?
I am so sorry to say this but I don't think this will work out.
Do you trust him?
Do you believe what he says?
No.
And it is only going to get worse because you will always be wondering what he is doing and whether what he is telling you is the truth or not.
I think one day youre going to wake up and its gonna hit you real bad what these people have done to you.

My recommendation - seperate with him for a few months. Seek counselling for yourself. Move yourself away and have some time for yourself to think about what it is you really want - counselling will help so much. Then decide what you want whether that is a divorce or couples counselling.
Step back before you make a huge mistake.

I use to forgive and forget. But I am not so giving anymore. I've learnt the hard way.

Last edited by bluesky123; 09-18-2008 at 05:24 AM.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 07:21 AM   #15
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Re: Should I just forgive and forget?

Well, I don't understand how your husband can expect you to "drop it" and forgive him when what he did wrong is still ongoing. He says he kissed this woman, and she wanted to have sex, and she's saying no such thing ever happened. IT sounds like the two of them are playing games with you.

If your husband really wanted you and wanted you to forgive him he'd change his cell number and make sure this woman never contacted him again and he'd EARN your trust back. He's not going that. Something is still going on between them. Once that live has been crossed and improper feelings and communication has taken place, that person must be cut out of his life completely in order for him to turn back to his marriage. He's pretty cheeky demaning you trust him when he hasn't done anything to prove to you that he should be trusted. It sounds like he's just trying to snow you, not trying to rebuild his marriage. If he really didn't want to lose you, he'd be jumping through hoops to amke you happy and show you he can be trusted and that she's out of his life completely for good. He's not. It's pretty simple. He's choosing her over you.

 
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