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Old 09-18-2008, 03:51 AM   #1
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ticketman HB User
Crunch Time! Relationship help do or die?

Hi.

I've been dating a wonderful girl for almost 2.5 years now. She's kind, caring, warm, she goes to church on sundays and she has never slept around. Everything I ever wanted to find. But she's an only child, she seems to care enough about what her family says and her family are a bunch of jerks.
Last year I proposed to her and thought well we're going to be on our "marry way", until I met her family.
At first her family didn't even want to meet, they didn't care what had occurred etc. Eventually we got together. On the 1st meeting it was with her Mom & Dad (mind you her Grand parents control the household). We sat at a cafe talked yet nothing of major significance was brought up. In fact I noticed how they completely under dressed, t-shirt, caps. But all in all it was ok.
Eventually I met her Grand parents, once again this went okay, they seemed more respectable. I felt progress was being made. Eventually I met all 4 at once. None of them supported the relationship, nor the marriage proposition, yet they did there best "it's up to you" statements.
So for a few months I started going to church with her to see if that would help. It didn't.
Me & my girl eventually started looking @ receptions halls without them. I was fine with it, as long as she was on my side I felt okay I can handle this. On 2/17/2008 me, my fiance, my parents and brother were going to go taste food at this hall, unfortunately to my absolute suicide my father, my mentor and my idol passed away during a horrible January winter storm due to shoveling= heart attack. In my culture we need to wait atleast 1 year after the death before getting married. This put everything on hold obviously.
Now for a little background.
My fiance is an only child, in fact she's the only "child" that any of those 4 people see (her grand parents and parents). SO hence it is a very small family. Her family didn't show any respect on my father's passing, they blew off the whole thing which me, my mom everyone felt was absolutely unacceptable. Since my father's passing something changed in me, there's been more urgency to progress. Somewhere along the way, my finance told me she would move in to my mom's house, she actually told my mom that too. In June though she got a job 40 miles away. So obviously taht hasn't happened either.
It's been a very up and down relationship since my father died. I am looking for something concrete and now she's focused on her new career. I finally said okay, move out of your parents house on your own to increase the time we spend together, since I am not really welcome in her house. It is now almost October and the promises are all false. She says she will, she's just busy.
We fought so much in August over a bunch of stupid things that 3.5 weeks ago I felt we might as well break up. Instead since I do love her and I know what I said at the begining is so hard to find in a person, I decided to repropose to her to clean the slate. To get back to the basics, to once again identify what we're here for. I purchased 24 roses and spelled out I love you, blindfolded her and took her to a park we went to when we 1st started dating and proposed with a new ring.
I want to state that since my father passed on, I haven't always been completely patient with her as far as her moving out. I just don't understand if she does love me why this is such a difficult thing to do. She has only looked at 2 apartments!! I am losing my mind. I just turned 30 she's 24 in October I don't know if I'm wasting my time or what should happen now? Should I be more patient? Am I making to big of a deal? Is it really that important? Should I just tell her fine lets just start planning the wedding for 09? The only thing lacking in this relationship is time spent. I see her about once a week, this is so lame!

Last edited by ticketman; 09-18-2008 at 03:53 AM.

 
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Old 09-18-2008, 05:21 AM   #2
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Re: Crunch Time! Relationship help do or die?

I'm wondering what her parents and grandparents are saying to her when you are not around. It's pretty obvious they are very controlling and don't like you very much. My guess is because when you came along she started acting like an adult and they were faced with the inevitable reality that she isn't going to be living with them forever.

I think you really need to have a long talk with your fiance. If time is an issue with looking for apartments then perhaps you can offer to help her look on the weekends. Or, you can offer to help move her things into your mother's home. If she is hesitant urge her to talk to you about it and listen to her without getting upset about it.

Maybe she is torn between her family and you. Maybe she feels the need to be independent for a bit before marriage. Only she can tell you. But you need to encourage her to open up to you and you need to listen with an open mind about her feelings. Don't make her feel badly if she isn't ready to do the things you are. If you work together and discuss things you may be able to come up with something that works for the both of you. And if not, well, at least you will know and then you can move on.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 07:24 AM   #3
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Re: Crunch Time! Relationship help do or die?

I think most if not all of this stems from this woman being an only child. Sadly, as well....it seems the set of grandparents also had a huge hand in her upbringing, so not only is she being pulled by one set of parents, but basically two!

I am not in any way making excuses for her......and I might be off track, as happymom said only she can tell you what is holding her back....but I can only imagine how hard it must be to break family ties of this strength. What kind of arguments is she listening to from them about you? Does she tell you what their problem with you seems to be? If you are not aware of what it is they dislike, then how can you change or even begin to understand it?

The truth probably is......there is no problem. They wouldn't like anyone who stepped in and tried to "steal" their little girl....

I think this girl can grow up and make you a good wife. I also think you have been very patient. You are 30, and it sounds like you are ready to settle down and begin your adult life. Push her. I think it's just a matter of her hanging on the parents who want to keep her a dependent as long as possible. If pushing her doesn't work, then maybe you need to consider moving on to a woman who is more than ready to start life right now.

Mileena

Last edited by Mileena42; 09-18-2008 at 07:25 AM.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 10:27 AM   #4
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Re: Crunch Time! Relationship help do or die?

You could be wrong to think so, but if you really think she is everything you ever wanted to find, then it pays to wait for her. Do you know the story about Jacob and Rachel (from the Bible)? He waited 14 years before he was able to marry her at last, so great was his love for her. No, I am not telling you to wait that long, but I am only trying to say that love is patience, too.

I am sorry for her family's poor welcome to you and insensibility in relation to your father's death, but she has nothing to do with that and if you really marry her, this is an area - her family - about which you can't expect much change at all, but who knows? Maybe they are just suspicious of you, and as soon as you prove to be a good husband, they may change the way they treat you.

Yes, you need to be a little more patient with her. She has got a lot to get rid of before she is ready. Talk to her, but rather than forcing her to do anything just ask her if there is something you can do. Do you ever talk about the future? If not, do and see what her reaction is. You will know how much you can wait for her and for yourself.

In the meantime, make her your best friend. And yes, I agree you should meet oftener.

Ticketman, that's the ticket!

Last edited by pendulum; 09-18-2008 at 10:29 AM.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 03:38 PM   #5
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ticketman HB User
Re: Crunch Time! Relationship help do or die?

Hi great input. She keeps saying give me time. I'm busy rightnow with my job. But before it was I'm busy looking for a job. I know, she's not even close to eing a bad person or anything. But I don't know how to measure the amount of patience and pushing.

 
Old 10-01-2008, 12:08 AM   #6
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ticketman HB User
Re: Crunch Time! Relationship help do or die?

Well here's an update to my astonishment she takes a break from me telling me she isn't sure anymore. {Removed}

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 10-01-2008 at 10:02 AM. Reason: If a word has to be asterisked it is not appropriate for these boards.

 
Old 10-01-2008, 07:02 AM   #7
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Re: Crunch Time! Relationship help do or die?

Perhaps you both need some time to yourselves right now. I'm very sorry for the loss of you Dad. It will be 5 years this month that I lost my Dad and I still miss him very much.

Maybe having some time apart from each other could give both of you time to reflect on all the recent events on both sides. I find being alone is healthy for me to recollect my thoughts and feelings not to mention gaining a better perspective on what is going on in my life. I hope that is true for you as well.

Sunny

 
Old 10-01-2008, 05:59 PM   #8
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Re: Crunch Time! Relationship help do or die?

Best thing you can do at this point is giver her space and when I say that I mean a lot of space. Stop talking to her and let her make up her own mind. If she really wants to be with you it wont be very long before she shows up at your door. In the mean time try to go out and have a good time.

I know alot of people who say "your marrying her, not her family." Year right! When someone is as close to their family as she seems to be. Then your marrying the whole package Grandparents and all.

Good Luck

 
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