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Old 09-18-2008, 05:10 PM   #1
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Input on verbal abuse

I just wanted to get some input from people who are impartial.....

My husband is a very nice, soft spoken, polite guy to everyone. Not so much at home. Don't get me wrong, he is a good provider, can be very sweet, a good father. Then he gets angry and will call me "trash" and other names, often in front of our children. He will tell our children that if they listen to me they will end up being "trash" and a "nobody" like I am. Then, when he is over whatever he is angry about, he is back to telling me that I am beautiful and he loves me, blah, blah, blah. I feel like I am dealing with two personalities. I don't want to get divorced but I am having a difficult time putting up with this anymore. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. When it is almost time for him to get home from work I start to feel sick. I know we should be in counseling, but what if he just doesn't think he has a problem? Is this marriage salvageable?

 
Old 09-18-2008, 05:57 PM   #2
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Re: Input on verbal abuse

Hi. Let me first start by agreeing that you have every right to be concerned and he is absolutely out of line with his verbal aggression. He is also providing an extremely bad example for your children. You should not have to endure that abuse.

Have you told him that he hurts you with his words? And if yes, what was his response? What have you tried to do to address the problem?

Is he this abusive only with you? Was there something in the past between you two that he is harboring? Strange that he switches between two extremes; very passive-aggressive.

Your marriage can be saved if he is open to receiving counseling for his anger. He has to recognize that he has a problem or is motivated by the fear of a divorce.

 
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Old 09-18-2008, 09:23 PM   #3
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Re: Input on verbal abuse

I could have written your post. I am going through something very similar. Your husband sounds so much like my husband. I am sorry about what you are going through and unfortunately, I know how you feel.

 
Old 09-19-2008, 12:30 AM   #4
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Re: Input on verbal abuse

As a man I can say that the most important way to get a point across and what you want out of life is to say things properly and respectfully, with patience and grace, with optimism and excitement. I think you need to tell him that if he truly doesn't mean what he is saying then he better stop because it is causing you to wonder whether he is who he says he is. Make it about him, make it so he realizes he is going to get misunderstood. Maybe you can avoid counseling.

 
Old 09-19-2008, 02:05 AM   #5
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Re: Input on verbal abuse

His behaviour is deplorable. But what does he get angry about? Please elaborate on this.

 
Old 09-19-2008, 05:50 AM   #6
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Re: Input on verbal abuse

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
His behaviour is deplorable. But what does he get angry about? Please elaborate on this.
It makes no difference what he is angry about - the verbal abuse he is dealing is inexcusable! I don't care how "sweet" he is at other times, he is an abuser. Nobody should have to live on the edge, wondering what will walk in the door at the end of the day - will it be Sweetie or the monster. Do not allow this, he can control it if he has the motivation, ie losing you and his family. Sera.

 
Old 09-19-2008, 05:55 AM   #7
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Re: Input on verbal abuse

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It makes no difference what he is angry about - ...
Excuse me, but I know. His behaviour is totally unjustifiable, but I am just wondering what his anger is all about, since she mentions it.

 
Old 09-19-2008, 06:57 AM   #8
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Re: Input on verbal abuse

It hink it's very very rare that someone like this changes without either counseling or a good swift kick in the butt. It will probably take you leaving for him to even want to start trying to change his ways.

You should know, though, that he is seriously messing up your kids. You are the first and most important female role model and your husband is the first and most important male role model for your kids, and they will gain most of their understanding about themselves, about the opposite sex, and about how relationships work, by what they see from the two of you.

Boys who see a father treat a mother like this will either treat their own wife like this, because they grow up thinking "dad did it, and mom stayed and took it, so this must be how real men are, and a good woman stays and takes it" or if the boy is closer to their mother, he will grow up to choose a wife who will treat him like he saw his father treat his mother. I dated someone whose father was just like your husband. My ex's father was cruel to him too, and therefor he sided with the mother and had more empathy for her. I was rather shy and insecure when I dated him, so he saw it as a vunerability and took on the role of his father and was sweet and nice and wonderful at times, but would also become very verbally abusive. From what I've heard, after me he married a woman who bosses him around and "wears the pants in the family" and they fight and argue all the time, so it would seem with his wife, he has taken on his mother's role.

Any daughters who are witnessing this behavior will grow up not necessarily thinking it's normal, but not really understanding anything else, not really being able to wrap their mind around the fact that there actually is something better out there, and they will seek out men who will treat them just like they see their father treat you, thinking they can change him or fix it and make it better in an attempt to heal their own past. Totally messed up. You need to keep in mind that when he yells at you, calls you names, your daughters are listening and absorbing it. What would you want to see them do if they were in the same situation? And despite our very best intentions, without counseling and very very deep introspection and a strong will and desire to look at what we do and change it, our parents come leaping out of our mouths whether we like it or not. Even if we know it's wrong, it's what we know.

Your kids deserve a peaceful, harmonious home filled with love and respect. It's your job to provide that for them. You need to lay down the law right now and tell your husband it's no longer acceptable. But he won't change until and unless you give him a reason to. I don't know if you have sons, daughters, or a combo of each, but I think it's a mistake to stay in a marriage that is harmful to you for the sake of the kids. You're not doing them any favors by keeping an unhealthy, dysfunctional home together for them.

 
Old 09-19-2008, 07:22 AM   #9
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Re: Input on verbal abuse

he sounds bi-polar......
this is unacceptable....get away from this man while you still have some self-respect left.....also while your kids still respect you. He will drain all the respect your children have for you if you let him......and your children will grow up just like him.....break the cycle

 
Old 09-19-2008, 11:24 AM   #10
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Re: Input on verbal abuse

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
he sounds bi-polar......
this is unacceptable....get away from this man while you still have some self-respect left.....also while your kids still respect you. He will drain all the respect your children have for you if you let him......and your children will grow up just like him.....break the cycle
I agree. You may not think that you need to get a divorce, but what is the alternative? There is no way he is going to see that he is in the wrong. Men like him always think their behavior is somehow justifiable, in other words, they make it your fault. Regardless of how he treats others he treats YOU, his wife, his lover, his partner, the mother of his children, like absolute CRAP and it is inexcusable! He is paving the way for your children to treat you the exact same way as well. I'm sorry, but I don't see how he is a good father with the way he treats you and tells them they will be like you if they listen to you. He sounds more like a bully.

You know he is in the wrong. There is no grey area here. You need to leave. Maybe if you do he may seek some sort of counselling or therapy for his actions, and then again, maybe not. But you need to be in a place where you are not walking on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop and so do your children. The small amount of self worth you have left is dimishing every day you stay with him. You all deserve better.

 
Old 09-19-2008, 07:00 PM   #11
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Re: Input on verbal abuse

hi there. I just wanted to add my two cents because I too am going through this. My case is slightly different though as I was diagnosed with a disease 2 years ago which has left me almost fully dependent on my husband. I do not qualify for disability, and do work 20 hours a week, but I cannot get health insurance..
A year ago, i almost left him, it shook him up enough to agree to counseling. Where he lied to the counselor and made me think it was all my fault....he stopped going after a month, i continued to go, FOR ME for another 4...and I got stronger. To the point that I knew how to handle him then and knew what to say/do when he attempted to belittle me or hurt me verbally. For awhile it worked.

Fast forward to now. I am trying to get myself together, taking online courses and attempting to keep this job I have...he is getting bad again. Just last week I told him if he is going to "do" that to me, get out. Go see a laywer, do what he has to do....since then, he hasnt said a word to me. He wont leave me- he has this sick sense of duty NOT to, since I have gotten 'sick"...but I wont stay like this much longer. Eventually Ill get myself to a place where I can come up with the retainer and file myself..

Its the hardest thing in the world to do and the hardest emotion to feel- wondering how you once loved this person who makes you feel so bad about yourself....but as you can see here- you are NOT alone.
__________________
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Old 09-23-2008, 08:25 AM   #12
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Re: Input on verbal abuse

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to post and run. I do appreciate all the responses and know you are right.
I have tried to talk to him about it, but he just twists everything around and tries to make it all my fault and tries to make me feel crazy. Nothing is ever his fault, and I do mean never. Even if several people disagree with him, he feels he should only listen to himself, why listen to anybody else. I'm a big ball of stress right now and just trying to figure everything out. There are a lot of threats from his end about what he would do if I were to try to leave him.
Negot and MSNik, just wanted to send you hugs. It is nice to know I'm not alone, BUT I would not wish this on anyone.

 
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