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Old 09-04-2008, 10:03 PM   #1
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am i over re-acting?

i have this boyfriend, who likes to be in control. we have been together for 9+ months. lately i have realized how much control he has, vs how much i have so i have been trying to make a difference (for me).

ok so here is the thing, he use to come with me to eat dinner with my parents.. every week. with the past couple of months, he refuses to come with me. which is fine, whatever. i was annoyed because i didnt understand why all the change suddenly, and when i go over there its like im left out because my brothers have their girlfriends.. you know? it didnt use to be a problem. now it obviously is.
well today was my moms birthday. we made plans, and he agreed to them, to go over there and eat dinner with her & my family. he said he wanted to do it. i told him if he didnt want to, it would be fine but i wanted him to come. so the day comes (today), and before i go to work i ask him "babe can you please try to be ready by the time i get home" (which is about 7pm) and he just kinda cut me off.
so i blow it off, and the day goes by.. then im on the way home & i havent called him yet. well he called me about 7 and he says that hes at this guys house (a mutual friend) having a drink & that he would be home in 30 mins. well i was ***** peeved. its my moms birthday, and i asked him this morning to please be ready when i get home.. but hes having drinks at a friends house 20mins way!
so after i b****, he says "im on the way home" then he calls 15mins later and says he hasnt left yet... so i said "just forget it im going without you" and that ***** made me mad. he did that 3 times.
my parents notice this, and how he just isnt "trying" anymore. they are starting to dislike him, and they use to LOVE him. its really frustrating.
so i came for dinner, and i was so upset i couldnt even eat. i didnt eat anything, not even the cake. you know like when your stomach is in your throat? i feel terrible because it was my mothers birthday, and i couldnt even be myself cause i was so peeved.
another reason this bothers me so much, is because he KNEW how important it was to me. lately he has just been selfish, only thinking about himself.
i mean, i work 9-6 monday - friday and he is sitting at home collecting unemployment. i get home, and what do i do? laundry, dishes, and i pick up after the cats.
i can tell that he takes me for granted, and i know that i put myself in this position for allowing the behavior. when he worked in alaska he was so like motivated, and now its like he just wants to eff around... and i allowed it.
so is it my fault? how can i fix it?
and do you think i over reacting about dinner?
i mean... we had plans but instead he blew me off for a night with these friends. i am starting to notice how immature he is for his age (26).

opinions please. my anxeity just gets worse when he acts like this.

 
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Old 09-05-2008, 12:16 AM   #2
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Re: am i over re-acting?

Not only is he immature, he is rude, lazy, and treats you like garbage. Give him the works - lay down what you want and need from him, and state that either he steps up or it is OVER. Stick to this, you deserve better than this lout. Count on his behaviour not improving as time goes on - it will only get worse.

 
Old 09-05-2008, 05:21 AM   #3
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Re: am i over re-acting?

Am I right to smell trouble here? You live with this guy, right? And you do most, if not all of the chores, right? Do you also pay for most if not all of the bills? This is unfair, and on the top of that, his word has very little value. He doesn't mean what he says. Do I get it right?

I am a bit confused. I think you have already given him a lot of chances, but he seems to be ignoring you. I really don't think he is being serious.

Well, I would in any case give him the benefit of the doubt if I were sure his only problem was not being able to find a job and being ashamed of being jobless. But he doesn't seem to be making real effort and he appears to be somewhat abusive. I am sorry I may be sounding too hard on him, but a deadline (threshold) is approaching, and you have enough reasons to feel insecure and disrespected.

I would propose to both of you a quarantine, that is, forty days away from each other. His task would be to find a job, and yours to see what kind of feelings you still hold for him, if he changes his behaviour. Don't go on accepting this kind of situation. It is harmful to both of you.

Last edited by pendulum; 09-05-2008 at 05:22 AM.

 
Old 09-05-2008, 05:40 AM   #4
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Re: am i over re-acting?

You're not over-reacting. He knew how important this was to you and he flat out didn't care. He made a promise to you only to blow you off when something else came along.

It's not your fault. This is who he is. He needs to grow up, but you are not going to be able to make him see that. As stated before, he is happy how he is and doesn't see it as a problem. You can't "fix" that. He has to want it and he doesn't. He likes sitting around on his lazy butt while you take care of him. In his eyes he has it made. Why allow that?

This reminds me of my mother's 50th birthday. I lived an hour away and helped plan the party with my siblings. My exhusband (fiance at the time) promised to be ready when I got home. Instead, I walked into a filthy apartment and him playing video games. He dragged his feet getting ready and tried to pull the "I don't want to go" crap 15 minutes after I wanted to already be on the road. I should have let him stay home because all he did was make my time miserable there by accusing me of flirting with family friends and such. My goodness, why did I marry him? LOL

But seriously, you have to see that your boyfriend is incredibly selfish and immature. Staying with him is allowing him to treat you like dirt. He won't change because he has things the way he wants them. Trust me, you have to stand up for yourself or it only gets worse. You will only have yourself to blame if you carry on in a relationship with a man who treats you like this.

 
Old 09-05-2008, 07:36 AM   #5
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Re: am i over re-acting?

thank you for all your replies!!!
its nice to know that im not over-reacting.

pendulum
Quote:
Am I right to smell trouble here? You live with this guy, right? And you do most, if not all of the chores, right? Do you also pay for most if not all of the bills? This is unfair, and on the top of that, his word has very little value. He doesn't mean what he says. Do I get it right?

I am a bit confused. I think you have already given him a lot of chances, but he seems to be ignoring you. I really don't think he is being serious.
yes we live together. i do most of the chores, yes. when i come home from work and he has been sitting on the couch watching sports all day, and the sink is full of dishes it just makes me mad. there are probably a handfull of times within the last month, where i didnt have to ask him to do dishes or pick up. i do pay for most of the bills..

i am so frustrated with him. lastnight i stayed at my parents house, because i didnt want to even see him. i texted him & just said he should stay with his friend because i wasnt coming home. i dont ever ask him for anything, and when i do he acts like hes put out most of the time. within the past week, i have noticed his behavior and i have been standing up for myself, this was just the big tester. he keeps trying to blame that hes not family oriented, but he use to go over there every week with me!!! i dont care if hes is or not, this is my family & he needs to put forth effort.
he is immature & he is selfish. i know that i dont need him. i have realized that, and i think thats why im standing up for myself. i just dont understand how somebody can be so selfish?
im trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, about finding a job but when he isnt really looking for one thats kinda hard. within the past month, he has gone to one place. he says that this place is where he wants to work, so he wants to see about it before checkin other places.
my parents are frustrated with him, because im broke. when we fight, he always tries to turn it around and make it seem like im the reason we are fighting.

ok here is the best part... we were eating steak for dinner lastnight. ok so he says to me "can you bring me home my steak" and i said "WHAT. NO!" so then he starts to get a pissy about that because its his steak. i said if you wanted your steak then you should have came & eatin dinner like we planned!

like last night after i said i wasnt coming home he said "im not doing this, im done. im not with you anymore" and i said "fine" and just hung up on him. then he texts me and says i blew this out of proportion.. umm HELLO he just broke up with me because i wasnt telling him what he wanted to know. then at 2 in the morning he texts me and says "baby im sorry i cant sleep without you" and i was already like whatever.
i dont even want to see him tonight.
i dont understand WHY he wants to treat me this way... his friends even knew we had plans. he probably made me look like i was trippen but whatever. im just so fed up. im sick of this. i told him that its not always his way, and that i was sick of him just doing whatever he wants without thinkin about how it makes me feel.
i still feel sick to my stomach. im just so angry.

 
Old 09-05-2008, 07:39 AM   #6
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Re: am i over re-acting?

He could be going through some issues, insecurity, uncertainty, whatever, but he doesn't have the right to make them your problems, and more importantly, your family's problems. Your mom deserved to have her daughter there fully present and happy and enjoying herself for her birthday and she didn't because of this guy.

If I had to guess, I'd say he's doing "the guy thing." He doesn't really want the relationship anymore, but doesn't have the motivation or the cajones to end it himself, also because he'd be on the street, so he's being neglectful, thoughless, rude and mean and distant to get you to break up with him. That way he doesn't look like the bad guy, and he doesn't have to deal with the messy break up stuff because it was your idea. I say call his bluff. Kick him out and see if he goes. Set him free and see if he comes back. My guess is, he'll be glad to have his freedom, so why not be fair and just give it to him?

 
Old 09-05-2008, 07:46 AM   #7
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Re: am i over re-acting?

he said lastnight after "he broke up with me" that he had just talked to his mom, and he was moving back over there. so i said good. i dont think he really spoke to her, i think that hes just saying that.

last time we got in a really big fight, i took back his key and i told him to get out. he wouldnt leave. not only would he not leave, he broke several things (before i told him to get the eff out).. and thats what pusheed me to the edge. he broke my coffee table (glass top), he punched the wall, he threw my cell phone against the wall & shattered it, and there was this glass vase on the counter, he also broke. oh and he broke the handle on the refridgerator.

 
Old 09-05-2008, 07:56 AM   #8
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Re: am i over re-acting?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sillysilly_ goose View Post
he said lastnight after "he broke up with me" that he had just talked to his mom, and he was moving back over there. so i said good. i dont think he really spoke to her, i think that hes just saying that.

last time we got in a really big fight, i took back his key and i told him to get out. he wouldnt leave. not only would he not leave, he broke several things (before i told him to get the eff out).. and thats what pusheed me to the edge. he broke my coffee table (glass top), he punched the wall, he threw my cell phone against the wall & shattered it, and there was this glass vase on the counter, he also broke. oh and he broke the handle on the refridgerator.
Well, judging from his restrained, very VERY mature, rational reaction to you're taking him up his offer to break up, I'm sure you can see how, painful and frustrating as it may be, this really is for the best. Now you can get on with your life and get on with the business of finding a truly good guy who will treat you and your family with the respect you deserve.

 
Old 09-05-2008, 07:59 AM   #9
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Re: am i over re-acting?

yeah... i know your right. im so frustrated. im glad its the weekend. i dont think im going back to the apt tonight either. its crazy how something "so small" can make everything so clear.

 
Old 09-05-2008, 08:32 AM   #10
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Re: am i over re-acting?

Two things come to mind when reading this post (I'll even leave out your previous posts that honestly just add more to my impression )

He doesn't respect you at all, and he DOES take you for granted. Almost to the point of using you. You work, pay most of the bills and do most of the housework. What does he do? Hang out all day and screw around. He's got himself a pretty good deal there, don't ya think? How are you ever going to know if he's there for you or there for the free ride? Judging from the way he's treating you, I'd say it's the latter. He's not investing anything into your relationship.

Secondly, he seems borderline abusive. Possibly physically, and definitely emotionally. He is playing games with you, guilt trips, turning things on you, etc. And the fact that he broke things in YOUR apt and wouldn't leave when you told him to makes me wonder if he has an abusive personality. Those kinds of things sometimes don't come out until later. But I know that if my boyfriend EVER broke something, threw something, or anything like that, I would have a MAJOR issue with it. Not only would it scare me, but it's disrespectful and immature.

I honestly think you're better off without this guy. It doesn't really seem like you are getting anything out of being with him. If anything, kick him out and just "date". Then see if he really cares or not when he's not getting a free ride anymore.

And for my final thought, do you really want to marry a man (boy in his case) like that?

 
Old 09-05-2008, 09:11 AM   #11
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Re: am i over re-acting?

i see what your saying mary and i know your right! i agree with what your response... i know that im probably better off. despite his behavior im still crazy about him.. but because of his behavior i am and i have been for a few weeks, questioning the relationship. im just so angry. i do so much for him and i get things like this in return. i dont know if maybe because "i was telling him what to do" he had the urge to resent me. i dont want to put up with this anymore. he has a short temper. he wont take his bipolar medicine. he always makes sure that i continue to work out & look good, but he hasnt worked out a while. i dont know how i got myself into this mess.
and you know, we have fun together. we are always laughing, and he does make me feel good. but then when he does things like this, and when i do look at the big picture- they dont even out. i do put more into the relationship than he does. a lot more effort, by far.

Last edited by deskette; 09-05-2008 at 09:13 AM.

 
Old 09-05-2008, 09:31 AM   #12
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Re: am i over re-acting?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sillysilly_ goose View Post
i see what your saying mary and i know your right! i agree with what your response... i know that im probably better off. despite his behavior im still crazy about him.. but because of his behavior i am and i have been for a few weeks, questioning the relationship. im just so angry. i do so much for him and i get things like this in return. i dont know if maybe because "i was telling him what to do" he had the urge to resent me. i dont want to put up with this anymore. he has a short temper. he wont take his bipolar medicine. he always makes sure that i continue to work out & look good, but he hasnt worked out a while. i dont know how i got myself into this mess.
and you know, we have fun together. we are always laughing, and he does make me feel good. but then when he does things like this, and when i do look at the big picture- they dont even out. i do put more into the relationship than he does. a lot more effort, by far.
Of course you are still going to be crazy about him and in love with him. Those feelings don't just turn off like a light switch. It takes time to get past those feelings. But you have to remember not to let your heart and emotions (ie. the love you have for him) cloud your head, better judgement, and the basic facts (ie. his immaturity, laziness, etc.). There is truth to the saying that "love is not enough".

He's bipolar. He refuses to take his medication so there is absolutely nothing you can do for him. A few of my family members are bipolar and I know from experience that if they think they are fine and refuse the help and medication they need you are better off to stear clear of them and their drama. You can give and give and give to this man and this relationship but if he doesn't make an effort than it doesn't matter.

I know this is hard the hear. I know you love this guy. But I know deep down that you know he isn't good for you. Save yourself the heartache that will eventually come (worse than it is now) and let him go. If he throws a fit and starts breaking stuff call the cops. Keep your cell phone in your pocket. Better yet, go home with your father or another male relative so he will be less likely to cause trouble. If he starts harrassing you then you get a restraining order.

He needs help and he won't get it until he is ready. In reality, letting him go and not putting up with him is forcing him to get out of his comfort zone (you and your apartment). With any luck he will see what a mess his life has become and seek help. But of course he can always go the other direction and become worse. Either way, it's not your problem to deal with. You need to take care of you and do what is best for you. You deserve a man who will put in the same effort as you and respect you and treat you like the princess you are.

 
Old 09-05-2008, 09:35 AM   #13
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Re: am i over re-acting?

oh jeez.....he's bi-polar......honey move on and save yourself......

I speak from experience.....I was married to an unmedicated abusive bi-polar man for 10 years.......it's not going to get any better unless he accepts responsibility and gets on and stays on meds.......

 
Old 09-05-2008, 10:51 AM   #14
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Re: am i over re-acting?

i feel terrible... right now. my stomach is turning. i feel like im going to have a panic attack. he blew me off! i have never and i would never do that. im embarrassed really.. i mean who thinks that their boyfriend is going to just blow you off... and because when we were at our friends house, he acted like he was going to go with them & blow off our plans & i kept telling him ya right & we were kind of joking about it... but he really blew me off. im so angry its indescribable. my stomach is still turning, and im tired because he kept waking me up last night.
not only did he blow me off but he tried to make ME FEEL BAD for getting upset about it. he tried to act like its not a big deal, but i was crying.. because it was a big deal to me. i dont believe that he blew me off. i feel so belittled right now, i dont know what to do with myself.

 
Old 09-05-2008, 12:31 PM   #15
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Re: am i over re-acting?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sillysilly_ goose View Post
i feel terrible... right now. my stomach is turning. i feel like im going to have a panic attack. he blew me off! i have never and i would never do that. im embarrassed really.. i mean who thinks that their boyfriend is going to just blow you off... and because when we were at our friends house, he acted like he was going to go with them & blow off our plans & i kept telling him ya right & we were kind of joking about it... but he really blew me off. im so angry its indescribable. my stomach is still turning, and im tired because he kept waking me up last night.
not only did he blow me off but he tried to make ME FEEL BAD for getting upset about it. he tried to act like its not a big deal, but i was crying.. because it was a big deal to me. i dont believe that he blew me off. i feel so belittled right now, i dont know what to do with myself.
He is going to keep treating you this way as long as you allow it. What you need to do is put an end to this relationship so he no longer has the power to make you feel this way. He is showing you who he is. You either accept that he will never change and be in this relationship or you move on and find better. There really is nothing else to say. I'm sorry.

 
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