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Old 09-19-2008, 02:49 PM   #1
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Still in love

I am still in love with my ex.

Despite the numerous breakups over the last three years, I have never got over him not have any of my feelings disappeared.

Will I ever get over him? Will I ever want to get past all this?
Or will it naturally fade by time?
Do I need to want to move on to be able to move on?

Sometimes I feel deep within that we belong together. Is that just a defence mechanism protecting me from the hurtful truth? But to be fair, in the past, we have always got back together. Maybe I am hoping in some time, we will.

I regret telling him that I wanted him out of my life, that I'd cut him out, but I could not take it anymore. It became so difficult, it ruined my life. I needed him out to be able to function properly again.

But not talking to him, not even having him as a friend, it is hard and will probably enable us to move on, but sometimes I do not want that.

Sometimes I want to move on but I want him back. But how can I have him back when he is no longer in my life.

Right now, while it is very difficult having him out my life, I miss him terribly, I need time away from him because things got very abusive between us.

It is his birthday soon and while I could message him happy birthday, and say I'd like to be friends, I would hate being the first person to message him (despite the embarrassing msg I sent him the other night) and I obviously need a lot more time away from him. But I thought it would be a good opportunity. I hate leaving things on bad terms.

Or perhaps I could view it as this: leave things be. If things are meant to be, they will be. No point meddling. If I meet someone new, then so be it. etc etc.
Perhaps this should be my outlook. This way, I wouldn't get hurt.

I have just been out drinking, so I am feeling quite emotional right now and I have been meaning to post this, but have put it off in the hope I would forget all about this eventually. But I think it is better to get it off my chest and to ask you for your thoughts and advice.

Last edited by bluesky123; 09-19-2008 at 02:53 PM.

 
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Old 09-19-2008, 03:21 PM   #2
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Re: Still in love

I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. I know how much it hurts.

Forgive me, I don't recall all the particulars of your story, like what split you up, whose idea it was, etc. but my guess is he's gone and doesn't really want to come back, yes? Well, I don't think you need to regret telling him you want him out of your life. If you really want him back but he doesn't want to be back, then having him in your life can only bring you pain anyway, so a clean break is best.

yes, I do think you have to WANT to move on in order to do so. I know how hard that can be when all you have left are the memories and the love you still feel for him and if you let all that go, then you won't have anything at all and the emptiness of that is just too much to bear. All you can do is work hard at filling up your life with as many good things as you can. I don't mean preoccupy yourself with busy work in an attempt to ingore all the pain you're feeling. I mean truly, sincerely rediscover yourself. treat yourself to a movie you've always wanted to see or a book you've always wanted to read but never had the time, dinner out with the girls, taking up a new hobby, just getting to know yourself again. It's possible to still have feelings of love for someone and at the same time accept that being WITH them would not be healthy or positive. Life just doesn't always work out that way. Just because we feel someone is our soul mate, doesn't mean they are and doesn't mean they feel the same way. Why is life so unfair? I don't know. I'd be the richest woman in the world if I knew the answer to that one.

You just have to take it one day at a time and work through it. At the end of it all, you still have you, and you have to have you, so don't let go of you just because you can't have this guy. You may feel if you don't have him you don't have anything, but that's not true. If you don't have YOU, that's when you truly have nothing. Trust in your own judgment, belief in your own abilities and the capacity to survive and take care of yourself. These are more important than getting him back, than beating yourself up over losing him, than going over it again and again to see where you went wrong. That's what you need to hang onto and work at strengthening. Hugs to you.

 
Old 09-19-2008, 09:15 PM   #3
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Re: Still in love

Hi there,

I am also very sorry that you are going through this. I am actually going through the same thing, so I know how much it hurts. Like you, my relationship ended on bad terms.....and I understand what you said, "I needed him out to be able to function properly again....." it is exactly the same with my ex.

at the end you said you had been drinking a bit....drinking for me never makes things better....usually I get super emotional and I end up calling my ex and it NEVER ends well...

I think the same goes for both of us (me and you) we need time and space.... even though we would probably give a lot to have our exes back, the only possible way that this could happen is if we (you, I, your ex, myex) heal internally.....

my best advice would be to try and focus on yourself and stop messaging your ex. even thought there will be days when you are dying to talk to him, talk yourself out of writing him. Try and use those cliché saying like "things happen for a reason, and if it is meant to be, it will be.....”


also to share a bit more about myself....my exe's birthday was two weeks ago and I thought I would do something special for him....so I sent him his favorite flowers, bought him his favorite book, and reminded him that I still loved him...but nothing was good enough. He gave me a very cold thank you....my point is maybe time will heal things, but if you try to talk to him to soon, you may be adding more fuel to the fire.

Have you ever tried meditation? I started doing it when the stress seemed to be unbearable and it seems to work....I use a pink bubble technique. The reason I like it so much is b/c "they" say to imagine your life how you would want it to be either in the future or near future. (For example: I imagine myself in a healthy relationship with my ex, married with children) anyways then "they" say put a pink bubble around the scene and let it drift off into the world. "they" say imagine yourself looking at the scene as it floats off into the atmosphere.....you might want to look the technique up before you do it to get a better understanding....anyways it makes me feel at ease after I get done....I don't know how or why, but it seems to work for the moment....my heart feels content.....

Just a suggestion.

I hope you feel better.

 
Old 09-20-2008, 01:20 PM   #4
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Re: Still in love

Hello Larrylou'smom & lindsjean

Thank you for taking the time to post.

I am doing my very best to keep busy, to keep making plans, trying to find new hobbies to take up, planning holidays with friends in near future etc.
So far things are as best as they could be. I am helping myself. Yeah sure, I still get lonely, my heart still breaks. I understand that will happen and I have to ride it out.

I go through days of hating him so much I pray I will never see him again.
The past year especially has been so exhausted, I sometimes cannot believe how I have come out alive.
Other times I think about what we could have had together, how much I loved him, how hard I tried. I felt like I was going to collaspe at times. He walked away. I really felt like dying there and then. I exhausted myself, I tortured myself, words cannot describe what I did to try to make things work. I listened to him and did whatever he asked. Then he just changed and decided he couldn't have a relationship.

I change every day with what I want.

Sometimes I feel bad for telling him I wanted him out of my life but in all honesty he deserved it.
Other times I feel I should have left things on good terms, perhaps suggesting friends. We don't have to be best friends but I guess a hello every now and then wouldn't hurt.

At times he said I pushed him too much. I really feel as though I didn't. I felt I was very patient and giving with him, I'll spare you the details though.
He always said, if I really wanted this to work, I would be with you, I wouldn't think twice about picking up the phone and telling you. He said this when he voiced his doubts about our relationship.

I just don't know what to do now.
Do I let things go? What will be will be.
Or do I use his birthday as an opportunity to say to him in a message, happy birthday, sorry for what happened a few weeks ago, hope we can still be friends. Then at least things wouldn't be on bad terms and we would maybe be in contact every now and then.

 
Old 09-20-2008, 07:19 PM   #5
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Re: Still in love

No, I dont' think that would be a good idea. You need to just let things lie right now. the first thing you said in your very first post was "I'm still in love with my ex." Let's face it, you don't just want things on nice terms, you don't want to end things of a friendly note. You're still in love with him and you want him back. Don't EVER attempt the "just friends" thing with an ex with an ulterior agenda, it's a train wreck waiting to happen every single time. Leave him alone until you can see him happily in love with someone else and feel nothing but happiness for him. You're not there yet. There must have been good reasons for the break up and there must have been good reasons why you told him you didn't want him in your life anymore. Don't ignore those reasons. C'mon, three break ups?? You sound just like me 10 years ago, and I know how it is. I needed to be hit in the head with a brick for it to finally sink in that he just didn't love me. Yes it hurt, and it still hurts, but not nearly as much as it would hurt if I had added humiliation to rejection by continuing to chase him after it was clearly over.

It's hard and it's painful but it's best not to look back. I mean, bottom line, from a simply logical standpoint, what's changed? You guys have tried and tried and can't make it work. So what's so radically different about who the two of you are at your cores to make another attempt worthy while? Why wouldn't it turn out like it always does?

 
Old 09-20-2008, 07:55 PM   #6
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Re: Still in love

i've been through this.. people have told me, that i'm obessed with the thought of being a family with my ex, although i know in my heart we cannot ever be together again. he will never forgive me for what i did to him.

he has to forgive me for taking him to court and making him responsible for his child and turn it around for good, he's helpin his son finically since he can't be there for him physically.

i have forgiven him for leaving me and our son and even though its a different situation all you can do is move on, one day at a time..

my fault is i still talk to him online, since i wont call him, nor see him, it hurts to much, especially when i was selfish and used our son in the past to see him b/c i was in love with him. love hurts and its ok, we have to hurt and heal before we love again, life is full of expierances and thoses experiances shape our life. i hope that you take this time your single to work on yourself and when you least expect it, there will be someone there for you, its just not you time right now and niether is it mine. ~hugs~

 
Old 09-20-2008, 08:27 PM   #7
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Re: Still in love

Big mistake to message him. He'll either not respond, or he won't respond in the way you are hoping. And face it, you are hoping that he'll respond that he misses you and wants you back. When he doesn't, you'll be right back to day one again. Remember how awful you felt the last time you tried to message him? It will be the same thing all over again, only worse.

Why put yourself through that?

You cannot heal until you quit ripping the scab off. And the more you rip it off, the worse the scar will be. Give yourself the gift of healing so you can move on.

 
Old 09-20-2008, 10:51 PM   #8
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Re: Still in love

It will get better and nobody knows what the future holds. Maybe you will end up with him again and maybe you'll meet someone amazing that makes you forget all about this guy and remember barely anything more than a distant memory. My advice is that it really is oneday at a time. When you start to get TOO far ahead of yourself you start to overwhelm yourself with questions and anxiety. Today you are not with him so live the best you can without him. Tomorrow think the same thing. Let it go and embrace what you still do have control over which is yourself and your life. It is SO hard and heartbreak is so freaking painful. I have been there quite a few times but will tell you that oneday you will look back on these posts and laugh or feel numb because you will have grown into the next stage of your life and no longer will feel the intensity you feel now. That I promise. So do your best to stay away from this guy for sometime..or maybe even set yourself a deadline like Dec. 1st or something like that and if you still feel as strongly as you do now then contact him. Give yourself sometime to seperate yourself. It has not been enough time. Things are going to be brighter even though you don't see it now. Its all about faith and taking the risk of living life as it comes to you. You'll be fine..you'll see.

 
Old 09-21-2008, 11:01 AM   #9
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Re: Still in love

Thanks for replying everyone!

Today I have been feeling angry and hurt, that I couldn't possibly message him, not even on his birthday to wish him a happy birthday because of everything that happened.

We broke up a year ago roughly and didn't talk for a couple months. From the new year until May we were 'friends' and it was so nice to talk to him every week or so. Then in the end I told him I still had feelings and we talked and saw eachother until three weeks ago when he said he couldn't. He was very abusive, really did mess me around. I'm still not over the hurt and the things he said.
I tried my very best to make it work. So hard I tried. Not only did I love him but I really thought this was going to be it - I really felt like things were going to be different, things were going to be good because the previous issues had gone. And from my end, things would have been different. In the end, despite the talking, he didn't believe me and said he just couldn't go back because he was so afraid of it going bad like it had been. He didn't have faith. I tried to convince him to go away with me for his birthday etc but found out a couple weeks back he is doing something with friends. He clearly wasn't on the same wavelength as me. I don't know what changed in the space of the last month. I know we argued alot but thats because nothing was being resolved.
I swore I'd never see or speak to him again after he told me flat out things werent going to change, he wasn't going to change.

But at times, like yesterday, I really miss him and I feel so cheated that I wasn't given a proper chance to give things a go. It really hurts, really does.

I need to start letting it go. Now, just thinking back over the last year, how he could do this. Its all too much to bare.

I try to distance myself, I try so hard not to think about it but it gets so tough I got hurt so much. I'm crying right now in fact. He has hurt me so much in the past and I kept going back for me. I wish he was sorry, I wish he showed remorse, or simply said sorry. This whole year has been so depressing for me, it really has.

If I were to message him, he wouldn't ignore me, he would probably send a ince civil message back saying thanks for the birthday message.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I want.

I would like to leave things on good terms. I've never not been able to leave tihngs on bad terms. Its just the way I am. I hate it. Things feel quite nasty now. I told him I didn;'t want him in my life, I sent him a message telling him horrible things. He probably deserved all that. Not because he couldn't start the relationship I wanted but because of the way he spoke to me and how abusive he got.

I would also like to leave things on good terms so the door is open.
But do I really want it to be open?

His birthday would be the best kind of opportunity to use to say something nice, to be a good friend and wish him happy birthday.

Believe me, after pursuing him for the past half year and getting nowhere, I SWEAR I would never do it again. Hand on heart, I will never EVER do that to myself again. I know better now. I am a lady after all.

But I just want him to know I am still here, I am his friend. I would like to be here in case he does change his mind in the near future.

Its not like I can't be his friend and I wouldn't be having a secret agenda or plan trying to get back together with him. It wouldn't be like that. I had been able to be friends with him before and toally been ok. From new year we were friend and I was happy with that. It was so nice to hear from him on a weekly basis, hear what he is up to etc. Most of the time we mesasged eachother online. I liked it. I don't like it when we aren't in touch.

I've still got a week to think about this.

Perhaps something like "Happy Birthday, Wishing you all the best. Sorry for what happened few weeks ago, I hope we've moved past that all now. Keep in touch."

Or do I hate him for what he has done, how much he has hurt me?

I don't know.

 
Old 09-21-2008, 11:03 AM   #10
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Re: Still in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by elatedgiraffe View Post
It will get better and nobody knows what the future holds. Maybe you will end up with him again and maybe you'll meet someone amazing that makes you forget all about this guy and remember barely anything more than a distant memory. My advice is that it really is oneday at a time.
This is what I would like to do. Take one day at a time.
Maybe someone will come along, maybe they won't.
Maybe one day my ex and I will get back together, maybe we won't.
I am not banking on it, and while I do love him and would like to get back together, I do understand it is proably not likely.
But not being in contact and things being left on bad times is a lot worse for me. I just don't like it.

 
Old 09-21-2008, 11:06 AM   #11
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Re: Still in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
It's hard and it's painful but it's best not to look back. I mean, bottom line, from a simply logical standpoint, what's changed? You guys have tried and tried and can't make it work. So what's so radically different about who the two of you are at your cores to make another attempt worthy while? Why wouldn't it turn out like it always does?

Sometimes I think that is my problem. This time, I can't seem to draw a line and decide not to look back.
I was so desperate for another try, to show him how things had changed, and I was so happy when he agreed. Then for it to be taken away from me.

Most of the time, I feel like a mug, I feel like an utter mug. Feel very ashamed and humiliated.
I don't even think I can send a simple birthday message...maybe itd be like shooting myself again.

Last edited by bluesky123; 09-21-2008 at 11:09 AM.

 
Old 09-21-2008, 12:21 PM   #12
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Re: Still in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluesky123 View Post
I don't even think I can send a simple birthday message...maybe itd be like shooting myself again.
It would be. It's more often than not just a really bad idea to give someone more than one chance to break your heart. Chances are they will.

 
Old 09-21-2008, 12:55 PM   #13
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Re: Still in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
It would be. It's more often than not just a really bad idea to give someone more than one chance to break your heart. Chances are they will.
You're right. I would say that myself.
But you know how it is with love - you're blinded. Hell, I've been blind for the last three years.

I'm torn.
I don't know whether to send that birthday message or not.
Open the door or keep it closed?
I'm not expecting him to reply, saying how much he has missed me and he thinks I am the one. No, I don't think that for a second nor would I want that. Not now anyway.
I was thinking to keep the door open, to keep things on a nice note.
Perhaps we would stay friends, perhaps we would never talk again, perhaps we'd talk often and we'd move onto different relationships, perhaps one day we would get back together.
I can't tell. Nor can you.
But even sending a simple birthday message seems like a bad idea. It seems like that will be too much - like I am giving away too much of myself. I know it is just a message at the end of the day. But to me, it means more. I gave my ALL to this man. I am surprised I have not had an emotional/nervous breakdown, I kid you not. I got very little back. My fault - I should not have pursued and invested so much into it.

I'm finding it difficult to try to work out what I should do.
My gut is telling me to leave it, if he wants me, if he changes his mind, he knows where I am. I would never pursue it with him nor would I tell him my feelings. As he kept telling me - if he wants to be with me, he would not hesistate for a second and he would pick up the phone.
But then I start thinking about what happened after that - I told him I wanted him out of my life. It all came too much for me. I told him he was a little immature freak, that he was boring and that I hated him for what he did, never to speak to me again.

I guess if he really wanted me, if he ever changed his mind, he would let me know despite the awful things I said to him, telling him to leave me alone, calling him names?
(I feel very immature myself but I exploded after months of verbal/emotional abuse).

I want to leave things, my gut is telling me, but I would feel really bad for not messaging him on his birthday.
Perhaps instead of sending a long message about being friends, I could just simply send him "happy birthday" and leave it at that.

Last edited by bluesky123; 09-21-2008 at 12:56 PM.

 
Old 09-21-2008, 01:36 PM   #14
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Re: Still in love

It sounds like you are determined to do this. It's your life and your decision. You came on here asking for opinions and not one person has said that messaging him for his birthday is a good idea, but it seems like you are going to do it anyway.

It's too bad, because I believe we will be hearing from you after you message him and it doesn't go the way you hope. It's terrible that you are willing to risk going right back to day one of the hurt, pain, sadness, depression, etc. and that you are going to do it with eyes wide open, yet do it anyway.

I hope you understand that we just don't want to hear that you have put yourself through it once again and are back at square one. It's just so sad to read...

 
Old 09-21-2008, 10:15 PM   #15
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Re: Still in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluesky123 View Post
You're right. I would say that myself.
But you know how it is with love - you're blinded. Hell, I've been blind for the last three years.
Well thank you. Yes, I know love can make you blind, or more accurately, love can make you willfully ignore things you know you should be paying attention to. It's time to start paying attention.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluesky123 View Post
I'm torn.
I don't know whether to send that birthday message or not.
Open the door or keep it closed?
Open the door to what exactly?


Quote:
Originally Posted by bluesky123 View Post
I was thinking to keep the door open, to keep things on a nice note.
Come on, now, you need to at least be honest with yourself. You were NOT thinking to keep the door open and keep things on a nice note. You were thinking to plead your case, re-strategize and get him back. You all but came out and told us as much. The first thing you need to do if you're going to really work through this situation is be honest with yourself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluesky123 View Post
Perhaps we would stay friends, perhaps we would never talk again, perhaps we'd talk often and we'd move onto different relationships, perhaps one day we would get back together.
I can't tell. Nor can you.
No, we none of us has a crystal ball, we cannot see the future, but we can make a pretty educated guess. Most of us have been exactly where you are right now, and we DID contact, we DID send the note or card or or we DID make the phone call, and it ended in total disaster and more embarrasssment and hurt feelings. That's exactly why we are telling you not to make the same mistake we did. But sometimes we need to learn the hard lessons for ourselves.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluesky123 View Post
But even sending a simple birthday message seems like a bad idea. It seems like that will be too much - like I am giving away too much of myself. I know it is just a message at the end of the day. But to me, it means more. I gave my ALL to this man. I am surprised I have not had an emotional/nervous breakdown, I kid you not. I got very little back. My fault - I should not have pursued and invested so much into it.
So...then WHY exactly do you want to invest even MORE time and energy and feelings into him? what would suddenly be different on his birthday that wasn't different for the last three years?


Quote:
Originally Posted by bluesky123 View Post
As he kept telling me - if he wants to be with me, he would not hesistate for a second and he would pick up the phone.
But then I start thinking about what happened after that - I told him I wanted him out of my life. It all came too much for me. I told him he was a little immature freak, that he was boring and that I hated him for what he did, never to speak to me again.

I guess if he really wanted me, if he ever changed his mind, he would let me know despite the awful things I said to him, telling him to leave me alone, calling him names?
It seems that one of the things really bothering you and stopping you from getting closure on this issue is the things you said that you apparenly did not mean. But unfortunately you cannot unring a bell. you said them, and you can't take them back. If it's going to keep you emotionally tied to this man, then perhaps you would be best off sending him one short simple note, simply apologizing for saying those things, you didn't mean them, if you could take them back you would, and you did not mean to hurt him. And leave it at that. Then at least you'll know you did everything you could to repair the damage you may have caused. But you have to prepare yourself for the very real possibility of him not caring or not wanting to hear it. In which case, as hard as it will be, you must just simply chalk this up to lessons learned. Sometimes, we were not meant to have the thing we were going after, but rather, we were meant to have the lesson we learned from having lost it. Perhaps this is just one of those things for you. Make amends as best you can, WITHOUT pleading your case, let me say that again, WITHOUT PLEADING YOUR CASE, just apologize and be done with it and concentrate on putting it behind you. Do not be long winded about it, do not suggest being friends, you don't need to leave any door open. this is for your own peace of mind. If he was abusive and hurtful, then I have to tell you, you are making a huge, HUGE mistake in spending most of your energy on trying to figure out how you can keep the door open. your time and energy would be MUCH better spent trying to figure out what it is about YOU that allowed yourself to be abused by someone for THREE YEARS and why, after it nearly drove you to the breaking point, you STILL want to go back for more. THAT'S what you need to be dealing with right now.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 09-21-2008 at 10:36 PM.

 
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