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Old 09-19-2008, 07:33 PM   #1
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Husband paid his med bills but let mine go to collection

Well, last I wrote, I was probably still dating..but am now married. I'm concerned because a few individuals said he was a big talker...a fake...but I felt otherwise and went ahead with the marriage. Now I'm starting to find things....lied about going into a 401k for a car loan....lied about paying bills on time...lied about my medical bills getting paid as a collector called me yesterday....found out he charged my engagement ring on an American Express that I paid off....tried to strong arm me into doing a home equity loan to fix another car, and when I refused, threw a FIT...our roof is leaking and so far I've been the only one up in the attic looking for the cause...and having roofers over to caulk or see what they could do....he never showed the least bit of interest and brown crap is dripping down my bedroom walls from the wood trim (not sap)....looking back, it was always this way. Broken garbage disposal? Oh well. Broken shower fan? Oh well. He came from a dumb {REMOVED} rich family who hired out for everything to be fixed. I did not. My friends tell me that he slacks because he KNOWS I will take care of everything. I'm wondering if this person is capable of taking care of me and if I should leave.

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 09-22-2008 at 12:05 PM. Reason: If a word has to be asterisked it is not appropriate for these boards.

 
Old 09-20-2008, 03:24 AM   #2
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Re: Husband paid his med bills but let mine go to collection

Well, I think some people change, but most of those people are women. Men can change once in a blue moon, but they need a really really good reason to. What's his reason?

 
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Old 09-20-2008, 05:49 AM   #3
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Re: Husband paid his med bills but let mine go to collection

I'm curious to know if you confronted him on these lies. All of these money issues (like your bills not getting paid) are going to affect you. Don't you think you deserve an answer?

I'm with Larrylou'smom, he will need a reason to change. This was him before you married (I'm assuming) and you chose to ignore it or didn't want to see. Now that your married that doesn't automatically mean he is just going to take care of you. In my experience big talkers are always just that, big talkers.

 
Old 09-22-2008, 08:12 AM   #4
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Re: Husband paid his med bills but let mine go to collection

2 can play at that game......just wash your clothes and leave his sit.......
I usually don't advocate something so childish and petty, but I think this is called for in this situation.

 
Old 09-23-2008, 02:54 AM   #5
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Re: Husband paid his med bills but let mine go to collection

Wow, vintagegirl!! I remember you and want to say congrats on your marriage, however I am sad things aren't going as you expected. I like the previous poster's advice to just wash your own clothes and let his sit...lol. The whole lying part is the first issue and thats a scary issue because you want to be able to count on him and be on the same page with him. Maybe if you can sit him down and figure out what is behind him lying you might be able to address the issue better. Maybe this rich family he came from wasn't so rich but taught him to pretend to have the money to impress you know? If thats the case maybe if he felt that he didn't need to impress you and others that he could be more honest? Just an idea? Is he just lying about money or is he just a liar in general? Either way, lying about money is a huge problem and I think it would have to be fixed in order for a marriage to work for him now or ever. And this whole thing of not fixing anything....is he even the handyman type or maybe he has no clue how to fix things around the house and feels insecure about trying to or even calling anyone since he obviously really doesn't have the money to fix things like his parents seemed to? Just a whim but I think hes insecure and impresses with money and is insecure and doesn't know how to fix things so he just lets them be? Are there any good aspects of the relationship? Ultimately the decision to continue on is your decision to make. What do you love about him? Why did you marry him?

Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 09-23-2008 at 02:54 AM.

 
Old 09-23-2008, 08:36 PM   #6
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Re: Husband paid his med bills but let mine go to collection

Well, I don't know if he's capable of taking care of you or not. But I do know that he's not taking care of you, hasn't been taking care of you and shows no signs of wanting to take care of you. But do you know what he does show signs of, in my opinion? Of being a self-centred, selfish, self-absorbed manchild with a distinct sense of entitlement. The lying is the cherry on top. It's unacceptable that he failed to pay your medical bills when he said he would. It's truly shocking that after not paying them, he basically sat back, didn't say a word and waited for the inevitable - the bills going to collection and the whole ugly truth coming out once it was a huge problem! He didn't bother to tell you when there was a hope that maybe you could fix it before it ruined your credit. Instead, he behaved like a clueless child, lied, hid and then waiting for the bomb to drop. I guess he just expected you to fix it after the fact? Or he didn't care. Or he just doesn't think enough about anyone but himself to even consider the consequences ... which allows him to feel no responsibility and continue on as if it's nothing. As far as I'm concerned, every single thing someone does is ultimately a choice. And it's his choice to put himself first, his choice to lie, his choice not to care about the consequences, his choice to leave it to you to pick up the pieces, his choice to let you fix the mess he creates, his choice to act like a child and expect you to be his mommy - which by default means that it's his choice not to be a proper partner to you! Sounds like he grew up being indulged by his parents and now he's just transitioned from mommy to wife without adjusting his attitude and expects to carry on as always, but with you indulging him rather than his mommy. Doesn't sound like he's got his head around being a PARTNER, not to mention a responsible adult. Doesn't sound like he's ready, willing or able to take care of you because he's a manchild who views his role in life as sitting back while others take care of him. It's not like he doesn't "get" that bills have to be paid - he paid his! But seems like as far as he's concerned, his job is to take care of himself and everyone else's job is also to take care of him. Doesn't seem like he feels one iota of responsibility toward others. All I can say is: selfish manchild with his head lodged firmly where the sun don't shine. So maybe he's technically cabable of taking care of you, but the problem is that partners take care of each other where as a manchild expects to be taken care of and is generally totally oblivious to the concept of taking care of someone else. This bit about not paying the bills and then waiting for you to find out ... reminds me of a kid who hides a bad test under their bed hoping it will go away, even though they know that it's only a matter of time before the report card shows up! Not taking responsibility right away or trying to make it right is what kids do, it's not what a strong, dependable PARTNER does. Unbelievable. In your shoes, I'd tell him to grow up or go back to his mommy.

 
Old 11-10-2008, 04:15 PM   #7
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Re: Husband paid his med bills but let mine go to collection

I forgot about this post in the business of the past few weeks, but remembered it today when I replied to someone else's...(hey Elated!

As far as WHY I married him? He is attractive, funny, and not verbally or physically abusive. He is very successful with his work as a commercial business banker. (One would think a BANKER would understand the consequences of poor credit and higher interest rates). His passion for his job was very attractive to me. He's admired by everyone who meets him (well, now that I think about it, what most annoys me is how female business colleagues of his look at me like.."what's he doing with HER?" I guess my job is not impressive enough for them and they feel he "married down"....but if they only knew what I contend with.)

In recent weeks, I've started therapy to deal with my anxieties. I invited him to come, but he feels he'll be ganged up on, so declined. I've taken over the bill paying....something I was reluctant to do with everything else on my plate that he leaves to me...but it's that or I'll be getting more calls from collector's. Taking over the bill paying and watching the account more closely is a whole other can of worms.....my anxiety level is already through the roof, so micro managing his bad spending habits is practically driving me to drink. (we have separate accounts and then one joint).

We didn't live together before we married, so, like the other admiring office women, I also felt he "looked" like he had it together. I suppose his buying a $4 loaf of bread when there were other options at the grocery store would have been a clue!

All I can do now is go forward and do my part. Maybe I should have been more involved with the bill paying from the start. Someone else could just as soon say why am I relying on him to pay my medical bills? It's just when he was paying the bills in general and it's a marriage, it didn't seem like there should be a line drawn in the sand. It's not even lying...it's him doing things that he knows I would not approve of, or hiding things that he knows are wrong. If a person can do that with money, can't they do that with anything?Frankly---infidelity, financial lying--I don't see a difference. One way or the other, you're being screwed.

 
Old 11-10-2008, 04:48 PM   #8
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Re: Husband paid his med bills but let mine go to collection

Vintage-
Sorry to hear about your tough times. What is your counselor suggesting you do?

 
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