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Old 09-20-2008, 02:47 AM   #1
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I really dont understand my bf =.(

My bf and I have been together for 9 months now. We never argue, we have an awesome sex life, and get along so well, have great conversations and it seems like we are so perfect. He even took me away for a 3 day get away last holiday 3 weeks ago to a beautiful bed and breakfast! His family and my family like each other, and I feel that everything could be good. Right?

Well last sunday I happened upon his password to his email and noticed that in his saved email that he had an ad saved for an e harmony membership! Now I was confused because I know everyone gets stuff like that from time to time in their emails...but this one had been read and was placed in his SAVED email. Obviously when I saw that I becaume sad and upset and tried calling him but he was sleeping so I wrote him a letter about how he could do that to me and that I though we were cool and is there porblem I dont know about, ect.

So he called me in the mrning to ask how I found his password (I lied and said my computer accidently save the password) and that I didnt mean to snoop but wasnt sure why he had that if he was happy with me???
He said he only saved it because his younger (slighly mentally challenged) brother ..he wanted to create a profile for him because he seemed depressed since he broke up with his gf a few months ago...so I believed him!! He seemed legit and I figured that I had no doubts beause we are so good together.

Anyways just now I saw that an e harmony reply was sent to him at 1am showing an email that was sent to the e harmony asking how to re activate his account and how much the mo. rate was!!!!(like he sent an inquiry) The email said that his account is now open again and told him to go and set up an account!!!!!!

I dont know what to do or say at this point!!! I have done nothing to make him want to join that site! Im not awful to him, Im not controlling... Is he just bored of me now? I mean I really dont see any obvs probs in where I could see him wanting to do this!

I know when we first got together I saw his favs on his computer he had this site and he cancelled all his dating sites (including this one) I had a profile on a dating site too and I cancelled that, we were both honest about that...and I thought we were honest about most everything eles...if he doesnt want to be with me why doesnt he just end it? Im so confused! we are going oout of town for a week next week and I dont know if I can bear to be with him knowing he is trying to look at other serious dating profiles of other women!!

I guess I should have thought something weird when we have been dating almost ayear and I have confessed my love to him and he has not returned it..he jsut says 'he like me alot'! And he has bcome ever so slightly distant, but I though it was due to stress from school...and like I said before I dont fight with him and give him all the freedom he wants and we get along well so thats where im at right now...utterly and ultimately lost and confused!!! Am I too nice? Am I scaring him away..I dont know..i just feel like bawling my eyes out!

I just dont know...I seriously thought I had a future with this man!!! ...and now Im not sure and I dont understand!!

P.S. I asked him all this in am email last sunday but obvs he was lying to me...y whould he lie to me?? is he just holding on to me until he finds his 'soulmate' on this site or whatever it is suppoed to 'match' u with...
I am so so soo depressed now ='(

please help me understand!

 
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Old 09-20-2008, 06:09 AM   #2
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Re: I really dont understand my bf =.(

Well, I really can't help you to understand "why" he does anything. I would be a very wealthy woman if I could infiltrate the mind of a man.

But in all seriousness, he told you he was setting up an account for his brother and you believed him. Now the account is reactivated which goes along with the story. If you don't trust his motives (ie. you think he is lying) you should just make a fake profile and attempt to talk to him. You will find out real quick whether he was honest with you or if he is lying.

My honest opinion, I think he is looking to see what else is out there. I personally find his excuse of trying to set up his brother pretty lame, but that's just me. He's your boyfriend and you need to make the decision for yourself, which means you probably will want some kind of proof. This is the best way I can think of to get that.

 
Old 09-20-2008, 06:38 AM   #3
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Re: I really dont understand my bf =.(

Wouldn't it make more sense for him to set up a new one with his brother's information and picture, rather than re-activate an old account of HIS with HIS profile and picture and info? That just doesn't jive. I hesitate to come and say he's lying, maybe I'm not understanding the whole account thing clearly, but the excuse does seem kind of lame. I've been on that site off and on for 7 years and when my account lapses and I go back to reactivate, it never tells me my account is back up, now I can go back and set up a new account. It just reactivates the one I already had up, with my photo and profile. I don't have to set anything else up, I just have to go onto the site and sign back up, so i'm not quite grasping the email.

But I have to agree with Happymom (we do that quite a lot it seems!) IF he is making excuses and the account is really his old account that he's reactivated, any guy who's perusing online dating sites is still looking. and any guy who's still looking, is not planning long range with what he's got.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 09-20-2008 at 06:42 AM.

 
Old 09-20-2008, 08:41 AM   #4
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Re: I really dont understand my bf =.(

I do see one possibility to support the boyfriend. I used that service for a very short time. I found it very cumbersome so I cancelled. When I did they offered me an outrageous amount of "free" months if I would keep the service. It's been so long ago that I don't remember the level of details you could change if you reactivated an account but it's possible that he has months of "paid" time sitting there not being used.

I agree this is unlikey. But if you're trying to not pay for service that's already been bought, it might be possible. Others who've used the service more recently would know better.

 
Old 09-20-2008, 10:08 AM   #5
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Re: I really dont understand my bf =.(

Is it possible that he's purposely doing this to catch you snooping on him again? I assume you read his e-mail again to get this information...

It almost sounds like he signed up again knowing that if you're still checking his e-mail, you'll see it, confront him, and he'll have his proof that you're still snooping.

If that's not the case, then he's really stupid to do that knowing that you may still have access to his e-mail and you would obviously see what he's up to. The whole brother excuse sounds lame and not very likely. I agree that you should create an account of your own and try to contact him.

 
Old 09-20-2008, 12:59 PM   #6
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Re: I really dont understand my bf =.(

Well I tried to set up an account but it only matches you up to people that you answerd the exact same answer the same way. there were abut 200 plus questions!! I did match up to him and there is no option to search in e harmony either =(
He doesnt know that I know the password he just thinks my computer had autosave for password on my computer.
He did ask me if he should change his password when I first told him but he said he would not change it because then it would look like he is trying to hide.
Another thing is that it was an email from that dating place (like customer care) and it had RE: in the subject with what my bf wrote about re activating his old account.

At this point I eally dont know what to do!
I mean its not like our relationship is turbulent, I dont think there is anything wrong with what we have...I just think he might be getting bored of me...that is the only possible explanation I can think of .
Last Sunday I asked him if there was any problems between us and he said no and proceeded with a laundry list of why we make such an 'awesome couple'.
Thats why Im confused! I feel like he might be keeping me around until 'the next big thing' comes around and then ditch me out of the blue.
I didnt really think he could be this irresponsible for someone elses emotions/feelings.
We talk about everything so honestly and when he has problems and questions he comes to me...i just dont know why he would do this BEHIND MY BACK!!
And now I feel that maybe I have stronger feelings than he does and this is what makes it even crappier

Last edited by jadedlover81; 09-20-2008 at 01:01 PM.

 
Old 09-20-2008, 02:21 PM   #7
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Re: I really dont understand my bf =.(

Do you think he's doing this to test you to see if you're snooping? If i were you i would keep checking and not bring it up again until hes corresponding with someone. But that is terrible because now you'll feel on guard with him....

I think its HIGHLY suspicious thought that he hasn't said I love you yet. do you think the relationship is just to passive for him?

 
Old 09-20-2008, 09:19 PM   #8
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Re: I really dont understand my bf =.(

The things that you can't talk about in a relationship, are the things that will destroy it.

I think it's best to fess up ASAP about your snooping and just confront him about it. And do it in person, not by email. If he's just not that into the relationship or if he's actively looking for someone else then you deserve to know. Also, he deserves to know that his girlfriend is spying on him.

 
Old 09-29-2008, 02:22 PM   #9
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Re: I really dont understand my bf =.(

Well I went with him on a business trip for five days..we had a lot of fun, but I did notice he was a bit distant, but for the most part he was normal. I figured that we were both over the whole situation, but I guess not….
Anyways Saturday night, he left his email open and when he went in the bathroom in the hotel room I looked in his saved mail and there again was a email from the e harmony saying he only has 1 day left for his ‘special offer’…the email was addressed in his name too!!

Now here is the doozy!!

I checked his email this morning (he just dropped me off at 11 last night after our trip)
He set up a NEW email account on another email site at around midnight!!
So just out of curiosity I went and looked and he had kept the same password for that! So I logged in and HE PAID FOR A THREE MONTH SUBSCRIPTION!!!!!! He did it after calling me and saying goodnight at midnight!! Paid 60 bucks, as in he is dead serious on looking for people!!!!!!!!
Its like he could not wait to get out of my sights and on that site!!
I really don’t understand!!! He says we make a great couple and seems in good sprits for the most part..and then this confuses the %*$&% outta me!! I and so confused that I feel dizzy!!!
I even logged into the e harmony (yup, same password!) he didn’t have everything filled out, but he did have a few things checked off! He is definitely looking for other people!! =’(
I honestly truly want this to work! I see such a wonderful future with us, but he obviously doesn’t! Why lead me on like this?
He knows my ex did this exact thing and saw girls behind my back!
He says that he is loyal and has never cheated but then what the heck is this!?!?!
I just wonder if this time we had together confirmed to him that he didnt want to be with me? we did spend tues night through sunday night togehter..but its not like we fought or had awkward moments or anything like that...
if he wants to be done shouldnt he just say so?
omg I am so sad right now ='(

Last edited by jadedlover81; 09-29-2008 at 02:24 PM.

 
Old 09-29-2008, 02:36 PM   #10
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Re: I really dont understand my bf =.(

He probably doesn't want to be 'done,' he just wants to keep you around for now because being with someone, anyone, is better than being alone, but he knows you're not the one he wants to end up with, so he's still looking. Perhaps it's time to confront him with what you know and just see what he has to say about it. Tell him you're wondering about the 60 dollars, the emails you saw when he left his email open, and that because your last guy did the same thing and you want to trust him, ask him for transparency and for him to show you the profiles that he set up for his brother, and don't give him time to then go and set up different profiles. Ask him at a time when he is able to show you right then and there. If he can't or won't, you have your answer. Good luck.

 
Old 09-29-2008, 03:38 PM   #11
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Re: I really dont understand my bf =.(

Wow, does this ever bring back some bad memories for me! I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's so weird that he was acting all normal to your face but doing this behind your back! What kind of person does that, honestly?? I have to agree with LLM, maybe it's time you confronted him. Because although it might start a big argument, at least you'll know. And I think you'll totally agree with me that at least knowing what's going on is better than being kept in the dark and not knowing anything until it's already done.

Maybe you'll even have to take a pre-emptive strike and walk away yourself, if he doesn't give you a satisfactory answer. He owes you an explanation, that much is clear. I just hope that you'll get some answers!! And again, I'm really sorry you have to go through this. It's just not fair!

 
Old 09-29-2008, 03:58 PM   #12
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Re: I really dont understand my bf =.(

Well, if you tell him you snooped, that will give him the perfect opportunity to say "YOU SNOOPED, so IM outta here!" Which would be fine by me...If hes not guilty of anything he shouldnt be worried or defensive.
I dated a guy when I was younger who clearly was just keeping me around, and I was madly in love with him. The best part was that when my ex-hubby and I split, I went back to visit my sister, and ran into he and his family, and he tried everything he could to get together with me. I wouldnt give him the time of day, but did go out to dinner with his mom and sister because we had always been so very close. His own mother said he deserved every bit of it.
sorry to ramble,but always follow your gut...we women have that gut feeling and if you ignore it, most times youll find you wish you hadnt.
I hope you find someone who adores you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
xoxoxo,
IZZY'SMOM

 
Old 09-29-2008, 04:50 PM   #13
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Re: I really dont understand my bf =.(

I have to agree that it seems to be the time to confront him. What other choice do you have? He is acting one way with you but you have seen with your own eyes that he is actively looking for others. Yeah, you snooped. It's done and you can't change it. But what he is doing is far worse and you deserve to know where you stand.

Unfortunately there are a lot of people in this world who are affraid to be alone (it seems your boyfriend fits here) and would rather hold onto someone and still look than be alone and face that they may never find someone. You should never settle for being anyone's consolation prize, which is what you seem to be in this case.

Sorry hun!

 
Old 09-29-2008, 11:29 PM   #14
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Re: I really dont understand my bf =.(

I would dump this guy for being a nitwit! He KNOWS you can get into his stuff, and that you WILL get into his stuff, and he STILL goes ahead and registers on these sites. Either he is terminally stupid, or he has found a foolproof way to make you leave the relationship without him having to give you the "I don't love you" speech. Either way, you are flogging a dead horse with this one.

 
Old 09-30-2008, 04:10 PM   #15
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Re: I really dont understand my bf =.(

I saw that today he went back into his 'regular' email and deleted all the saved emails from e harmony and the new email confirmation email too. He is cleaning up his tracks because on the weekends him and I hang out and do our homework on our laptop right next to each other sometime...I think he doesn’t want to get caught!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
He KNOWS you can get into his stuff, and that you WILL get into his stuff, and he STILL goes ahead and registers on these sites. Either he is terminally stupid, or he has found a foolproof way to make you leave the relationship without him having to give you the "I don't love you" speech.
Actually he doesn’t know that I know the password....he just thinks that my computer had its 'auto save selection' turned on. So really he doesn’t know that I know his password!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
It's so weird that he was acting all normal to your face but doing this behind your back! What kind of person does that, honestly?? I have to agree with LLM, maybe it's time you confronted him. Because although it might start a big argument, at least you'll know. And I think you'll totally agree with me that at least knowing what's going on is better than being kept in the dark and not knowing anything until it's already done.

Maybe you'll even have to take a pre-emptive strike and walk away yourself, if he doesn't give you a satisfactory answer. He owes you an explanation, that much is clear. I just hope that you'll get some answers!! And again, I'm really sorry you have to go through this. It's just not fair!
I dont know what kind of person does that either ...he must be really two faced, but then why build up a relationship with someone, talk about the future with them if your heart is not really there?? Wouldnt you try to distance yourself from that person?? Thats what really messes with me!! If I hadnt gotten his password I would have NEVER known and been oblivious. This man has no signs showing that he has even one ounce of being unhappy in the relationship....I could see if there were clues here and there but there is nothing for me to go on...except the emails!! I mean we havent even had one argument in the 9 months that we have known ea other!!!

I was speaking with one of my good friends about this earlier and she told me to make a fake profile with fake pics, ect and to set it up to the exact setting he has inside his account (since that is how e harmony works). She said that I should pretend to be somebody else and ask him if he is dating, flirt, ect and keep emailing him until he has a date set to meet and then I show up!...lol
I think that sounds funny in thought or even in a movie but I don’t know…lol

Last edited by jadedlover81; 09-30-2008 at 04:11 PM.

 
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