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Old 09-22-2008, 06:39 AM   #1
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Is starting an internet relationship and then meeting, cheating?

The background:
I have been with my girlfriend for 18 years and 1 year ago we started renovating a house together. I stayed away during the week and came back on weekends to work on the cottage and my girlfriend stayed at the house living in a converted garage monitoring the progress.
The incidents:
This weekend just gone I found some messenger messages that were to and from my girlfriend to 3 other men. Bloke A - One of them she is just friendly banter but expresses how she is tired of just jumping into bed with men and has just come out of a relationship with a married man with three kids. Bloke B - The other is flirty banter with the provider of food at her freelance job's agency. Bloke C - The other is with a bloke she met on the internet and she went and met him and was dropped off at the house. The last one (bloke C) persisted in contacting her saying they should have got a room etc.
When I found them my immediate reaction was, it was as bad as being unfaithful? I asked to explain and she said she doesn't know why she did it, she didn't sleep with anyone and she will never do it again. She said she was lonely and felt abandoned. She also says she will kill herself without me and she loves me very much and is really sorry.
I am not a forgiving sort of chap but I don't know what to do. on the one hand after 18 years I can't believe it and am so upset I want to start again. On the other we have a beautiful house we have nearly finished and a good life ahead.
I don't blog forum or start gossip but need help as I can't talk to anyone else that knows her, it would mortify her for anyone else to know as she is very ashamed.
Lifes a *****, and then you meet one, as they say!

 
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Old 09-22-2008, 06:56 AM   #2
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Re: Is starting an internet relationship and then meeting, cheating?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pablo49 View Post
When I found them my immediate reaction was, it was as bad as being unfaithful? I asked to explain and she said she doesn't know why she did it, she didn't sleep with anyone and she will never do it again. She said she was lonely and felt abandoned. She also says she will kill herself without me and she loves me very much and is really sorry.
I am not a forgiving sort of chap but I don't know what to do. on the one hand after 18 years I can't believe it and am so upset I want to start again. On the other we have a beautiful house we have nearly finished and a good life ahead.
I don't blog forum or start gossip but need help as I can't talk to anyone else that knows her, it would mortify her for anyone else to know as she is very ashamed.
Lifes a *****, and then you meet one, as they say!
yes it is as bad, and you don't know that she WASN'T unfaithful.....and this nonsense about killing herself.....get rid of her. I hate when people threaten suicide to manipulate someone.....you know that's what it is, right? MANIPULATION with a capital M
And as far as your last statement.....I've always heard it to be lifes a biitch and then you MARRY one.......at least you didn't marry her.....
you deserve so much better......I'd walk away and not look back......

Last edited by rosequartz; 09-22-2008 at 06:57 AM.

 
Old 09-22-2008, 08:42 AM   #3
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Re: Is starting an internet relationship and then meeting, cheating?

To me, cheating is cheating, and that's what she did. I'm confused about the whole part of her saying she just got out of a relationship with a married man? Did she have an affair with that guy? That part confuses me. Regardless of that, what she did was wrong, whether or not she had sex with any of them, she still went behind your back and deceived you. And I agree that her claiming she will kill herself is total manipulation. It makes me sick to even read that because I HATE people who do that too. I had an ex years ago who did that and actually made me think he did. In fact, it was for the EXACT same reason you have. I was out of state to go see my family and the night I left, he was online trying to hook up with girls, something he was no stranger too. I caught him, called him and broke up with immediately, and he started to pretend he was going to kill himself. He said he was going to, hung up the phone, and I couldn't get a hold of him for hours. I had to call his mother to go over to MY apartment (where he was) and check on him. Needless to say, he didn't do it. It was all a part of his manipulation to try and get me to stay with him. They do it to scare/guilt you into staying. And really, who wants a relationship like that? She's the one that messed up, not you, and she can deal with the consequences. I'm surprised that you have been together for 18 years, she is obviously a grown woman. At least my ex who did it was 19 and immature, although there is no excuse for that type of manipulation.

 
Old 09-22-2008, 08:59 AM   #4
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Re: Is starting an internet relationship and then meeting, cheating?

Yes you're right, life's a ***** then you marry one and I haven't yet but we were due to see the local Vicar in the next few weeks. Its hard becuase this isn't just someone I have met this is someone I have been with for 18 years of my life. If I continue I'm afraid she'll do it again, if I don't I'm binning a load of my life's experience (which has been largely good), 2 houses and starting again at 37 on my own.... it seems a lot to give up over a lunch arranged on the internet. It happened several months ago aswell. On the other side of the coin I feel like she must be looking for something else, or someone else, and just playing the field. I think the suicide thing was just said in an upset rant.

Do you really think its as bad as sleeping with somone?

 
Old 09-22-2008, 09:05 AM   #5
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Re: Is starting an internet relationship and then meeting, cheating?

I asked her about the married man thing and she said she just made that up as she was bored, it was a couple of sentences after she said she was tired of jumping into mens beds which I'm pretty sure is innacurate. So in essence I do believe she made that up and was just searching for some attention.

I appreciate your repsonses, I really do. Its an alien feeling to me and it helps having someone who has taken the time to listen and give their opinion.

 
Old 09-22-2008, 09:09 AM   #6
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Re: Is starting an internet relationship and then meeting, cheating?

pablo.....it in fact you KNOW that's all it was, then maybe no it's not as bad as sleeping with someone.......but anyway you look at it.....it's NOT GOOD.....

Can you even trust her anymore? If you don't have trust, what do you have?
I was divorced at 36-37.......your life won't be over, trust me.....it's just beginning! Don't settle!

 
Old 09-22-2008, 01:01 PM   #7
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Re: Is starting an internet relationship and then meeting, cheating?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pablo49 View Post
The background:
I have been with my girlfriend for 18 years and 1 year ago we started renovating a house together. I stayed away during the week and came back on weekends to work on the cottage and my girlfriend stayed at the house living in a converted garage monitoring the progress.
The incidents:
This weekend just gone I found some messenger messages that were to and from my girlfriend to 3 other men. Bloke A - One of them she is just friendly banter but expresses how she is tired of just jumping into bed with men and has just come out of a relationship with a married man with three kids. Bloke B - The other is flirty banter with the provider of food at her freelance job's agency. Bloke C - The other is with a bloke she met on the internet and she went and met him and was dropped off at the house. The last one (bloke C) persisted in contacting her saying they should have got a room etc.
When I found them my immediate reaction was, it was as bad as being unfaithful? I asked to explain and she said she doesn't know why she did it, she didn't sleep with anyone and she will never do it again. She said she was lonely and felt abandoned. She also says she will kill herself without me and she loves me very much and is really sorry.
I am not a forgiving sort of chap but I don't know what to do. on the one hand after 18 years I can't believe it and am so upset I want to start again. On the other we have a beautiful house we have nearly finished and a good life ahead.
I don't blog forum or start gossip but need help as I can't talk to anyone else that knows her, it would mortify her for anyone else to know as she is very ashamed.
Lifes a *****, and then you meet one, as they say!
bloke and chap. fun words that i don't get to hear everyday.

the internet is seriously ruining relationships. or maybe people are.

a relationship on the internet is THE SAME AS a relationship in real life. just because it is on the internet it doesn't make it any less. the fact that she is making you feel bad (i.e.-the suicide remark) is ridiculous. she is just making it sound dramatic so you don't leave her. i think you need to figure out whether or not this is something you want to forgive. 18 years is a heck of a lot of time. but she cheated on you, and you have to decide if that is something you want to forgive. the point i want to make is that just because its online it doesn't mean its not cheating.
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Old 09-23-2008, 11:05 AM   #8
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Re: Is starting an internet relationship and then meeting, cheating?

My friend, I really wouldn't like to be in your shoes, but...

Do you think you found those messages incidentally or it was a confirmation of something your gut had already been telling you? I am not trying to justify her, but I think it is important to know how healthy and honest your relationship has been with her (and hers with you) for all those years. Had you already noticed the symptoms of her boredom, of her loneliness, of her feelings of abandonment? If so, didn't you do anything? Did you just pretend it was nothing to worry about and then swept it under the carpet?

Saying that she will kill herself without you can be a sort of drama, but perhaps not. I mean, she won't really kill herself, but that was just a way of saying she will be very sad if she loses you. Actually I don't like such words, and I don't think she should have said them, but at times it happens this way: you can't much control what you are saying and then you say a lot more than what you really meant to say. If she did apologize to you for saying it, then this is a signal that she has regained her balance.

You know what? I may be a fool to tell you this, but if I were you I would not end the relationship now. Maybe some time away from each other would do both of you good. Yes, I would give myself and her another chance, but the relationship would have to be so to say rebuilt/reshaped on a more solid basis. You may need more dialogue between yourselves, and she may need new activities in her life (while you are away) so that she doesn't fall in a trap again. I don't know if you have the time and resources for couple's counselling, but if not, you may want to find groups of married people (in a church or elsewhere) where you can share your problems and challenges with others in the same boat (without too much exposing your intimacy) and also do activities together. Rebuilding the house may not be enough, if you don't rebuild the relationship, either.

I would try again, for all I know, but in the end this is me, and it is up to you.

Last edited by pendulum; 09-23-2008 at 11:08 AM.

 
Old 09-24-2008, 01:25 AM   #9
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Thank you

Thank you for your time. I am amazed at the response that I have received and I don't know if all of you will read this, but I am so grateful to you all.
Like I said I have never posted an emotional plea on a forum before and I would have probably laughed at you if you had told me that I would.
I owe you at the very least a response and my decision on what I am going to do. Pendulum confirmed my exact feelings and I don't know what profession you are in but you have a talent for reading people and have clearly read between the lines, I thank you. Rosequartz, my feelings when I first found out were on the same lines (very black and white). I felt angry more than anything and you are ofcourse right in what you said, it was wrong, you are clearly a strong willed woman. Dodedoo, I share your views on the internet. the irony is, I make a living from it, I run a web design agency. The internet, and most recently, social networking sites make easy pickings for the less desirable intentions of dis-honourable people. In my girlfriend's case she was curious, lead by loneliness and I thought she was a stronger.
She is distraught and it makes me realise I still care for her, on a purely selfish decision, I would be throwing too much away over a lunch she had with a man. I truly believe she did not do anything more than have lunch, if I didn't this would be a different ending. I feel in some respects I have the moral high ground and that I can retain my dignity while still trying to work things out and get to the bottom of why she did what she did. We will see a relationship councellor, though I am dubious, more for her benefit than mine and we will work this out, temporarily at least. I will never forget it and will never forget the words of wisdom I once found on a relationship forum that I googled in a desperate attempt for reassurance. Thank you all and keep up the good work... you have helped me a lot.

 
Old 09-24-2008, 07:23 AM   #10
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Re: Is starting an internet relationship and then meeting, cheating?

pablo good luck to you.....I hope it works out, but if it doesn't it's not the end of the world......there's plenty of fish in the sea.......

 
Old 09-24-2008, 08:11 AM   #11
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Re: Is starting an internet relationship and then meeting, cheating?

Pablo, I'm glad you are going to try and work things out. She sounds like she needs to talk to someone whether or not the two of you work things out. I dont' know I wasn't there, but any mention of suicide should not be taken lightly. Most times it's manipulation, but not always. I talked to a mutual friend that my ex and I both knew and I mentioned to him that I would probably end up leaving early but I didn't say it as a manipulation at all. I was just being honest, not to elicit any kind of reaction. But you can't stay simply because of how distraught she is. Her emotional neediness is not enough to build a relationship on. Talk with a counselor and be honest about your feelings about what she did and where you what to go from here. good luck to you.

 
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