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Old 09-22-2008, 11:46 PM   #1
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Aggravated with my best friend; Is she or am I overreacting?

Hey guys, maybe I can get some advice/input:

I have a friend who I have been friends with for 15 years since the beginning of high school. Anyway, we have become closer and closer over the years and she has pretty much been my best friend for quite a few years now. She is a lesbian and is overweight (300 lbs). Her looks and sexual prefrence has never been an issue and she knows I'm as striaght as they come. Anyway, I have had problems in the past when she has been jealous of some of my boyfriends and my other friends. Anytime I spend alot of time with someone else she seems to make negative comments and she is very good at manipulating where you don't even realize it unless you really think about it. She says she has my best interest at heart and nobody knows me like her and shes been through alot with me which is true. She has been here for me through the worst, but I'm starting to think it was only for selfish intentions. Anyway, I recently am thinking about moving out of state. I have not have any luck finding a job and the man I have been seeing (2 years off and on) wants me to move up north with him. I just went for a visit a couple weeks back and really like it there. I have lived in the same state all my life and although I have traveled alot; I am getting an itch to move, start fresh and be with the man I love. I am almost 30; am nowhere where I thought I'd be in life and don't have anything to loose. I am ready to take a risk with him and just give it a try and see what this chapter in life has to offer. If I hate it up north or things aren't working with him and I then I can always come back. This will always be my home, but I'm ready for an adventure and to follow my heart and see some snow for a change. So my friend is FREAKING out. She started by saying its a mistake. That I will be back. That she is actually mad I am leaving. I told her I haven't left yet (I still would like to secure a job up there and need to get someone to finish out my lease) before I can go. I want to go asap but I think I'm thinking level about it all. She of course, does not. She says shes loosing her best friend, etc. Even when I visited up north a couple weeks back to check out what I'd be getting into and called her a couple of times she could never ask if I liked it or how I was doing...it was all negative about how I need to come back and she can't beleive I'm gone. Shes been talking to people in our social circle about what I am doing, constantly saying negative things about it and now shes actually distant from me because shes mad. After a couple days of her being mad I realized that she has no right to act like this with me. I have ALWAYS been supportive of her even in an outrageous situation with an ex-girlfriend of hers. I don't think she has to agree with what I'm doing but giving me a guilt trip and actually being short with me and rude to me cause I'm wanting to live my life is ridiculous. I told her that she is so afraid of loosing our friendship that shes purposely ruining it now and thats selfish. How do I remain friends with someone that I will feel guilty calling and saying how great and happy I am? Doesn't sound like a good friend to me. Plus shes made comments such as "I have always asked you to up and leave and lets go get a place on the beach or something and you said you have your lease but now your willing to up and leave and be with him". I responded with theres a difference between loving your friends and being in love with someone. I'm starting to think that she has an unhealthy attachment to me, or even worse, maybe she does have romantic feelings for me and thinks oneday she can "have me"?

She has made several comments over the years about things but this is the icing on the cake for me. I want a friend that says "well, I don't think what you're doing is the greatest, but I hope it works and out and you better call me all the time"...not distance themselves cause I want to "leave her by herself" as she actually told me tonight. Is it possible my best friend has never been my best friend and had selfish intentions all along? Do I need to just cut her off? It seems she never likes when I am trying to better myself whether it be a job, or new friends or a new boyfriend. She tends to have always liked the losers I've dated more than the better guys cause she probably didn't feel threatened. (ex boyfriends of mine always told me that when she was around they felt like they were competing with her as if she was a guy interested in me). I'm starting to think our whole friendship is unhealthy? I'm sad to loose my best friend, but I'm tired of her manipulating me because she knows me so well and how to play on my insecurities.

What to do? Is this normal best friend behavior or is this an unhealthy friendship? By the way we are both 29 and I think this is all immature. Is she overreacting and being selfish or am I being too harsh? Its just hard for me to see whats really going on cause I've been friends with her so long. Any advice is appreciated!!! Thanks!!!!

Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 09-22-2008 at 11:53 PM.

 
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Old 09-23-2008, 02:02 AM   #2
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Re: Aggravated with my best friend; Is she or am I overreacting?

She is expressing her grief at losing your presence in her life by venting it in anger. While you don't have to be beaten up on, you can help her most by repeating that she is not losing your friendship, that you will keep in touch etc etc. If this is not going to be enough for her, then you cannot do much more. I agree that you have your own life to live, and that you cannot put it off because a friend is upset. Stay calm, resolved, treat her with kindness, and the bridges will not be burnt. If she is sulking and not speaking to you, just tell her (once) that this is hurtful to you, but that you understand that she is upset. Then let her get on with it. Good luck in your move, Sera.

 
Old 09-23-2008, 02:43 AM   #3
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Re: Aggravated with my best friend; Is she or am I overreacting?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
She is expressing her grief at losing your presence in her life by venting it in anger. While you don't have to be beaten up on, you can help her most by repeating that she is not losing your friendship, that you will keep in touch etc etc. If this is not going to be enough for her, then you cannot do much more. I agree that you have your own life to live, and that you cannot put it off because a friend is upset. Stay calm, resolved, treat her with kindness, and the bridges will not be burnt. If she is sulking and not speaking to you, just tell her (once) that this is hurtful to you, but that you understand that she is upset. Then let her get on with it. Good luck in your move, Sera.

Thanks. I guess I'm just upset that shes more consumed with "loosing me as a friend" that shes pushing me away purposely so it is easier for her when and if I decide to move. However me moving would never cause her to loose me as a friend but her attitude and actions now do. I've explained this to her but it seems to not matter. I'm upset cause I beleive that friends should be supportive of one another and there for one another; regardless of distance or life decisions. I have always treated my friends as such but I suppose I can't expect the same in return. Its at a point now that even if I don't end up moving I'm not quite sure I'd remain friends with her. If shes so upset that I'm leaving then wouldn't she want to spend the most time she has with me now instead of avoiding me? I am under alot of stress and pressure right now and have been the past months and feel its unfair and selfish that she can't be here for me but rather wallow in her own feelings. The last thing I need right now is my best friend making me feel guilty and sad. Like you said all I can really do is let it go and get on with it but I'm not quite sure I am okay with having a friend do this. I feel like I'm in a relationship with her and friendships should not feel like this right?

 
Old 09-23-2008, 04:45 AM   #4
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Re: Aggravated with my best friend; Is she or am I overreacting?

I think you need to tell her how you feel. Tell her that she is hurting you with her negativity and if she can't be a supportive and loving friend then she will lose you as a friend.

She is over reacting, but how is that your fault? Encourage her to do more in her life and reassure her that you will still be her friend. But in order for that to happen she needs to be a better friend to you. I don't blame you for being upset because if I were in your shoes I probably would be close to done with her.

Hopefully a good long talk will work with her, but she also has to be willing to do "her part". Friendship works both ways.

 
Old 09-23-2008, 05:05 AM   #5
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Re: Aggravated with my best friend; Is she or am I overreacting?

Hmm, I don't think you are overreacting, but maybe you should realize that even our friends aren't perfect and each of them serves a different purpose.

You can find solace and consolation with some of them in times of trouble and grief, but somehow they don't seem to cope well with change and excitement. Others will be there for you when you need encouragement to move on or to change and can cope better with happy moments than sad moments. Some of them will praise you most of the time, whereas others will offer you constructive criticism. And so on.

It is very difficult to find in one friend all the qualities you need and think are to be provided by a friend, if you see what I mean. The exception is your best friend, who is always impartial and is going to be there for you in every occasion, in every mood, under every circumstance, and will normally not oppose your decisions, even if innerly they disagree with them.

Best friends are very rare, that's why they are so precious. But even best friends have their own lives and problems and it may happen that in a particular moment they are unable to give you the support you need.

That said, I am afraid your friend here is being too emotional, needy and immature. She has often proved useful for you in the past and you should be thankful for that, but it seems she is being a burden for you now. She may be entitled to her opinions and grief (because you are moving away from her), but she should understand that being so negative really doesn't help you.

I second what Seraph posted. You do what you want to do. You tell her about your next steps and reassure her that the friendship will last, despite the distance. If she can't accept it, there is really nothing else you can do about it.

Listen to what she has to say (because she is a friend), but don't let her words alone shape your final decision. If your projects fail somehow (I hope not), please don't assume they did because you didn't follow her advice.

 
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