Whole new experience in my life, how to deal with it? I need advice
I am a 31-year-old woman, with a B.A. in Anthropology and currently studying a M.D. in Research, work as a Sales Representative for a Hi-Tech company as I finish my MD studies. I got married five years ago to my college boyfriend, but things didn't work out so we split up a year ago, we both agree we want to get a divorce and I think we will finally do it by the end of this year.
Before him I had another steady relationship that lasted for a couple of years but did not end up in marriage because I traveled abroad to pursue my second degree and there was no point in keeping a long distance relationship, since I was going for long.
Three months ago I met this amazing man, he is 10 years older than me, but just was I am looking for. He is smart, mature, successful, great looking, sexy and with a great sense of humor. He is just perfect. But there are two problems: first, he lives abroad, and cannot move to another country due to his job. I have no problem moving to where he lives, but I need to finish my studies soon. Our, or my second problem, is the fact that he has a 11-year-old daughter. I had never dated a man with kids, and it scares me to death that she is a teenager. I am very afraid that our relationship might not work if the girl does not like me, specially since she is an only child, loves and misses her dad, and I might be an enemy instead of a friend for her. I still do not know her but I will soon, we are planning to meet in December, and then I would meet her. She lives with her mom, but spends holidays and other special dates with her dad so for Christmas' Eve they would meet and during the days after Christmas I will meet her.
I am so scared I have been rehearsing what we would talk about, what to ask her, what to do, how to talk, etc, and I think I have reached the point where I know I need advice.
How to approach her? What to say? What to avoid? Anybody with experience on the subject, please help. Thank you!!!
Re: Whole new experience in my life, how to deal with it? I need advice
Well, I dont' have any direct experience with step kids, but I think if you go into the situation scared and intimidated, she will sense it and at best be uncomfortable, and at worse, use it against you. Yes, she's his daughter and probably the most important thing in his life, but she's also just a kid. You can't let a kid scare you away from what you describe as the best guy you've ever been with. I say approach her with confidence and respect, and let her know with your attitude and actions that she is welcome in your circle of love, but that what happens between you and her dad is ultimately up to the two of you, and not her, and I think you do that by showing her you respect her and her relationship with her dad, you're NOT trying to replace her mom, her opinion counts but is NOT the deciding factor. Good luck.
Re: Whole new experience in my life, how to deal with it? I need advice
Hi LM, thank you so much for your advice, I totally agree with you, but the thing is I really like children, and I'm actually very good at bonding with them, I'm actually all-my-friends'-kids' auntie, which I enjoy a lot, and makes me feel confident about my future role as a mom. What scares me about my boyfriend's daughter is the fact that she's a teenager, and with teenagers I don't think I'm good at bonding, so for that I'm afraid. But you're right, approaching her with confidence and respect seems to be the key to becoming her friend, thanks a lot!!
Re: Whole new experience in my life, how to deal with it? I need advice
Hmm, maybe you are making a mountain out of a molehill!
You must understand that it is not in your power to control this girl's behaviour, to predict or to determine how well or how poorly she will welcome you, etc. There is very little for you to do in this respect. All you have to do is to be yourself and to act naturally. Give her your attention, but don't overwhelm her with questions. Probably her father is also preparing her for this encounter, so I don't think it's healthy for you to worry that much. You and he are the most important pieces in this game, if I may say so, and if anything you should be concerned about what he is telling her about you and about how he will behave rather than about what kind of good impression you are supposed to make on her. Relax, please.
However, I have some experience with step-children, and I can tell you that mostly they are not easy relationships, especially if you have to live with them on a daily basis. Fortunately, that is not your case. Either way, patience is a key-word: children don't remain children for good.
Anyway, he (your boyfriend, her father) and you - I am repeating this - are the only ones who will have the job of shaping this relationship, not this little girl. Of course she must be recognized, but as far as I know, she must not have much to say here.
Do you know about the things she is fond of? Take a simple present with you. Although her first reaction when she receives the present will not tell the whole story of your relationship with her, it will be a preview of how you and her may get on with each other.
Re: Whole new experience in my life, how to deal with it? I need advice
Hi Pendulum, thanks a lot, you know you could be right in a way, my friends always tell me that I "think too much" about things, well, the truth is that I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and I'd really like this "new experience" to work. As you suggest, I have been asking my boyfriend about her, and now I know that she is very smart, likes reading & studying and gets excellent grades at school. I've also seen her pics and she looks very sweet & femenine, so I did buy her a piece of handmade jewellery that I hope she likes. Nothing "too much" but something special to show her my care. But yeah, maybe I should relax a little bit about the whole thing!! Anyway, it is nice to discuss it with nice people like you guys, it already feels easier, thanks a bunch!!
Whole new experience in my life, how to deal with it? I need advice 
