Here is some background and I will try to condense this. (It's going to be very long but I need some help) Bear with me, I need to know that I am NOT nuts or I AM nuts.
First, we are not married....he is 54, I am 50. We met through the internet 2 years ago. We met in person in April of 2007 and he moved to my state and into my home in June of 2007. He worked a job for 4 days and never worked after that. He felt he wasn't getting enough affection from me so he moved back to his home state in August of 2007. 3 weeks later he returned for another month. Again, no job and he felt he wasn't getting affection from me so he left again. ( Each time he leaves, he moves 3000 miles back into his elderly parents home. ) We split up until June of this year when I flew to his state to spend some time with him. He left his job and we drove back together to my state rather than me leaving, him staying with his job and moving at a later date. Things seemed good for a very short time (weeks) and then quickly went sour. The problems we had from day 1 were still there. Him not working, me showing no affection. He did work one job for 4 days and left that job. He worked another job for a month and the company closed. He is trying to find a job but in a nutshell - In the total of 8 months he has lived with me he has worked 3 jobs, one for 3 days, one for 4 days and one for a month. Last summer his words to me were "I don't know why I have to get a job if I have money." God knows where the money was coming from. Another problem - each time he stops working, so does the wage garnishment for back owed child support. Then the courts are notified, court date is set up etc. (the child he is paying on is now 26 years old)
My problem - I just can't show affection when I feel like I am being totally used financially. He doesn't have to worry if the rent or utilities are paid. I can't show affection when I leave to work each morning and he is still sleeping. (he sleeps until anywhere from 8:30 until 10 ) Since he came back in June, he has contributed $1200. (and nothing last summer when he was here) That sounds like a lot but the total for rent and utilities come to $1600 per month. Guess who has to scramble to make sure that gets paid. He NEVER brings up the bills or questioned how they get paid. And the truth is, I've had to take out loans to make sure the bills are paid. The last thing on his mind is making sure the household bills are paid. I am a single mother with 2 - 19 year old still at home in college. I need to get a 2nd job to get the bills paid. If I have a man living with me I feel I SHOULDN'T have to do that. He agreed to pay $800 per month. He told me weeks ago, "You will have your money come October." I didn't get it.......now he says a few more days and he will have it. (he's waiting to get it from his parents) Also, he always has money to go to the casino.
All that is on his mind is GETTING AFFECTION! He has NO hobbies, no interests, NOTHING! He literally sits on his computer all day downloading music or looking for jobs. Then he goes outside, sits by the pool and smokes. All the time stewing about getting no affection. There is no initiative to get things done around the house. He told me he can't get motivated to do things with no affection. And then, I can't give affection when I feel so overwhelmed with the bills, work, kids and school. There's another problem......I go to school on line. All he complains about is me being on the computer. Yes, I am on the computer ALOT either doing school work, work stuff or at times......just reading about senseless stuff. I DON'T go into chat rooms or social networks. However, I do send out emails to family or for work. He complains constantly about me being on the computer saying "I only see the back of your head." There comes another problem--
He is ALWAYS right behind me laying on the bed with his lap top. I have NO privacy unless I leave for work. I can't have a private phone call with family or even my children. I can't type a letter without him walking behind me to see what I am doing. Even as I typed this, he has come in to see me typing. I don't go ANYWHERE but work without him. There have been 3 times I recall running a quick errand without him either to the post office, bank etc. I got hell when I returned home. He gets in bed before I do and then lays there with his eyes shut yet wide awake until I get in bed. This could be an hour or 2 later. As soon as I get in bed I hear, "aren't you going to say good night?" and the vicious circle starts again. Now he is telling me that in the mornings (weekends only!), when I wake up I am suppose to roll over and kiss him good morning to wake him up and I am to stay in bed rather than start my day. He ALWAYS wakes up long after me. I guess he doesn't want this ritual during the week when I get up by 6 to go to work. I don't want to wake him when I get up, it's the only time I have peace during the day other than going to work.
He questions my time CONSTANTLY because he looks at that as time that could be spend on giving him affection. That only pulls me away further. Even as far as doing homework and when to do it.....I have to work things around when he is going to want my time. ( I crammed through an exam yesterday that I had all weekend to do but I knew he was going to be on me all weekend. ) I told him yesterday that we could plan a nice evening together after I went to visit my elderly mother. He agreed that was okay, then he gave me another hour lecture about getting no affection. That finished at 4PM. I got in the shower, got dressed and was ready to leave until I realized I HAD to get some opinions on this. So I sat here typing this, he walks in and asks what time I would be home. I told him not until around 7:30 or 8. So what does he say? "That doesn't sound like much of an evening together to me." He goes outside AGAIN, staring at the clouds and smoking. Then he comes back in to ask me what I am doing, what I am typing and why. What he is saying is, "That could be ME time you are wasting your time on." He starts bitching that he always gets the "left overs." He has questioned why I am using my time to type when I could have left to my mothers. I leave to my mothers and there he sits pouting as I leave. I ask him if he is mad....he says, "I will get over it. "
Sorry this is so long......i need to vent and get some opinions. The bottom line is, I understand that everyone needs affection and love. I just am having a VERY hard time showing it when I feel so drained emotionally and financially. He thinks I am just being stubborn, I'm not. In past relationships I've been VERY affectionate, loving and caring. The affection just can't come out now when I feel so drained. Each step I take in the right direction, he only slaps me down more because "it wasn't enough." I told him I need to take baby steps to get things right, he says he wants it ALL now. Last night I did everything to keep the peace. I wake in the middle of the night, go in the bathroom and there is a note "Happy Sunday. Come back to bed, I want you." Sweet but the mood is set for the day.....what HE needs and how I can make him happy. He keeps saying he gets NO time with me....everything else comes before him. This might be true at times but other times I feel like I throw myself into everything else to avoid the confrontation. EVERY conversation we have is about what he is not getting, NEVER about what it takes to keep the house going. HELP! Tell me if I am wrong in feeling the way I do. Am I nuts? Is he too needy?
I can't understand why you still keep this guy around. What are you actually getting out of the relationship? He is 54 years old and STILL a child - waiting for his parents to give him money so he can give it to you? And then he has his own child he never properly supported? You said you already have two children, why did you adopt another one??
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
I thought the same thing as Gypsy. He is much too much hard work for so little return in support, partnership, etc etc. You have begun to resent him too much to keep on putting up with his whining. The joined-at-the-hip thing would have driven me to murder by now too. Show this one the door. Sera
Well, he packed his stuff this morning saying I can't give him the affection he needs....and he left. I mentioned to him that someone told me yesterday that he needed to step up to the plate and be a man. As he left he said "Maybe I could have been more of a man if you would have stopped being a man." Whatever that means. My response was "Someone had to be the man around here." In all fairness, he is a good person other than what I have stated and what is truly bothering me. I know that jobs are hard to come by these days and he has been looking. I have told him about this post and he would like to add his side to the story. I've welcomed him to do just that.
I'm no psychologist and I'm a poor one to ask about relationships - mine have always failed.
BUT I know that a lot of the time, people will not say exactly what they mean. He may say "you're not affectionate" but what he might have meant was "I don't feel like a man; I'm sponging off a woman and it makes me feel like a great big nothing."
Please don't question yourself too much. I've been in a lopsided relationship like that where I was working as a bank secretary (less than $20,000 a year) and my boyfriend was sponging off of me, and wanted more, more, more. I couldn't support him and he blamed me for it.
I've been in a lopsided relationship like that where I was working as a bank secretary (less than $20,000 a year) and my boyfriend was sponging off of me, and wanted more, more, more. I couldn't support him and he blamed me for it.
And I make very little money....yet for the past 6 years I've managed to stay in this house WITHOUT HIM and see the bills are paid. I am not looking for him to support myself and my children. I am just looking for him to show some responsiblity. I've even told him if he acknowledge the fact that this is hard financialy on me, I could even accept that but he says "its all about money." He even said to me, "I know what your bills are and about how much you make so do the math, you are getting help elsewhere." He even found a receipt where my ex husband sent me money to help with the kids. He questioned this and said "Don't cry pour mouth to me, I know you are getting help elsewhere." When I questioned from where he said "from schools loans." I don't care if I was making $200,000 a year and drove a Mercedes, it's about him being accountable but all he wants is affection. I've told him that if he lived elsewhere, other than his parents, he would have to be responsible with or without affection.
When he left this morning he said for me to call him "when I came to my senses."
QUOTE: "When he left this morning he said for me to call him "when I came to my senses."
What a perfect line for a manipulator to use against their target! This man has some real issues and that line he left you with tells me clearly that he is a MASTER manipulator.
This guy is lazy and a free loader.... sorry to be so blunt but the facts are clear in your post. He is manipulating the hell out of you using the "no affection" crap. He knows it works so he keeps using it. He is preying upon your good nature and the fact you keep taking him back to continue to free load off of you just like he does off his parents. Who can feel sexual or affection for a man when they are being used?? He isn't earning even the basics... respect.
He has your number and he's pushing your buttons. Once a man like him gets away with it once and he sees his tactics are working he will USE those tactics against you over and over again. He isn't going to change and unless you want to support this "child" you need to realize that whatever this man feels for you, his primary goal is to free load off you and he would do this with any other woman he can find.
Find a man that you can respect and your affection will flow for him.
Coming to your senses = NOT calling this guy. Ask yourself if one of your children had someone like this in their lives or a friend was being used like this, what you would tell them to do.
Wow! When you come to your senses? It would have taken all my strength not to shove my foot up his butt after that comment!
There is NOTHING wrong with you! You are a single mom doing what you need to do to make ends meet and take care of your children. The last thing you need is a selfish, manipulative, childish ******* hanging around making you feel guilty for what you are doing. Shame on him for thinking it's okay to have his elderly parents pay for him and mooch off of you at the same time. People like him make me sick.
I hope you have the strength to not call him or answer him when he calls you. Like another poster said, you don't need to adopt another child. You should be out enjoying life which is impossible when you have a life sucking sponge like him for a boyfriend.
I hope you will come to your senses and dump him. Why are you putting up with a 54 year old immature user? He has no life and wants your attention all the time without contributing much financially. Get rid of him, you are better off alone than with somebody like him. Also, be a good example for you children, don't let them see you getting used by this man.
A males viewpoint here - I have to agree with what's already been said. I wouldn't expect my mate to show affection if I'm not carrying the load with her. Your're a saint for tolerating this. I'lll give him credit for being a man today by his actions - his biggest contribution was him leaving and not sucking the life out of you anymore. For that you can be grateful. Let him go out into the big wide world and find a woman who will allow him to move in without contributing and give him affection on top of that! And when he wakes up from that dream, let me know so I can find one too,,,,,lol,,,,, I've been out there looking myself and the first thing a woman wants to know is that your're a responsible person that contributes to the home and society. The economy is bad right now, jobs are hard to come by but showing your mate respect is not hard to come by these days. He is not showing you any respect, he is belittling you and expecting even more from you. Everyone has needs. Your needs are to feel security and that is by having him contribute. His needs are affection. Does he not realize that a person has to show they are a responsible person FIRST and the affection will flow to you? You said he was a "good man." A good man does not do and say the things he does. Count your blessings that he's gone and keep him OUT of your life. He sounds like he will only drag you down further.