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Old 10-14-2008, 09:58 AM   #1
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Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice

Hi everyone,

I recently just broke up an engagement. It has been less than a week and I'm having a bit of a hard time with it. To catch you up on some background to what lead to this, for the past 3 months we have been arguing consistently about every little thing. I do know that it takes two to break up and I have done my fair share of wrongs to get to this point. But last Thursday we we're on the phone and she kept making every dig that she could do and I finally said that I had enough.

On Sunday I needed to get some things from her house and we went out for breakfast. During breakfast she asked what I did the night before so I asked her. Here is how the conversation went.

Me: "What did you do last night?"

She: "Went out to dinner"

Me: "Where?"

She: "Gino's"

Me: "Oh with your parents?"

She "No"

Then she went on to tell me that on Friday night she met one of her ex's and they went out to dinner on Saturday night.

My first thought was that I should be angry at this, but I wasn't. I do know that need to be away from her right now and if I chose to break up then she is free to do what she wants. We have been together for 2 years and we never had any fights about cheating or ex's or anything like that.

After I left I kept thinking about it and I was getting mad at myself for not being mad at this (even though it does bug me). It just seems that she put the final dagger into our relationship, but know I have a millions of questions that I sort of need answers too, but I don't want to call her because I am enjoying not arguing on a daily basis. So I thought that I would throw it out to world and see if any body could give me some insight to some of my questions:

Isn't this too fast? I mean we broke up on Thursday and on Saturday she is on a date

Why am I not mad? Does this mean that I don't love her because I know deep down I do

Is she just doing this to get a reaction out of me? If so, how does she expect me to respond to this.

Is she telling me this was the final straw and she needs to move on? but if this is the case, why so fast?

I know right now at this very moment I can't be with her because I need some peace in my life. I'm looking for advice and I would like to hear others opinions on this matter. I mean does this make her a bad person because for 2 years I always thought that even though some times she wasn't good to me she was at least a good person.

Thank you to all taking your time out to read and hopefully post your advice and opinions

 
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Old 10-14-2008, 10:08 AM   #2
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Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice

My honest guess is that she did it just to get to you. You are the one who broke off the engagement and I'm sure she is hurting. She is trying to make you jealous and trying to "get to you". If you get jealous, it tells her you still care and there may still be a chance for the two of you.

If you are honestly done with her and don't want to get back together, don't say a word about her going out with her ex, because that's what she wants.
I can't say why you wouldn't get mad over that. Maybe it's because you are just really done with being with her. That doesn't mean you don't love her, you are just done, so you don't care what she does. Or, maybe you know she's just doing it to get to you so you're not letting it. Either way, kudos to you for showing no emotion over it.

I'm sure she's not moving on so quickly. Like I said, she's doing it out of spite and she just wants your reaction. It doesn't make her a bad person, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and I think that's where she is right now.

 
Old 10-14-2008, 10:14 AM   #3
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Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice

Thank You for your comment. I just really don't know how to feel right now and the only feeling that I know is that I need some time away from her (not really her, but the arguing) it just really has taken it's toll on me. I was thinking that she just wanted to move on and it was her way of telling me.

 
Old 10-14-2008, 10:21 AM   #4
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Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice

YIKES the body wasn't even cold, if you know what I mean......
I wouldn't trust her after that.....
maybe she just needed her ego stroked or some attention, but I don't like it.....and I'm sure you don't either.
I'd say you just dodged a bullet......keep the engagement off.....

 
Old 10-14-2008, 10:28 AM   #5
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Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice

That what everyone is telling me, but there is a piece of me that thinks in a month or two maybe we could work things out. But with all of our problems she just threw more coals on the fire and if I can find ways to get over my other issues with her, I don't know if I could ever get over this. Right now I'm not mad, but if we got back together I know I won't take this lightly
Or am I just crazy thinking down the road this could work?

 
Old 10-14-2008, 10:53 AM   #6
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Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice

So I am thinking it is one of two scenarios.

1. You broke off the engagement and she is very hurt. She thought that going on a "date" with an ex would make you jealous (lets not forget she asked what you did the previous night knowing you would ask the same question) and come running back saying what a mistake you made by breaking it off. Not the I]best[/I] thing to do in this situation, but love can make us do funny things, right?

2. She felt the same as you, that the fighting was too much (she was making digs at you during the last conversation) and she wanted it to end. The moment she got that freedom she went back to an ex, someone she may have even still had feelings for. It was pretty fast, right?

I don't know what your "problems" are or what is making you argue so much. I do know that in marriage you don't get little "breaks". You have to communicate to get the bottom of the issue and resolve it once and for all. All couples fight. It comes with the territory. But constant bickering and feeling the need to make digs could be a sign of much bigger things.

So my advice, talk to her. This isn't going to magically smooth over and the problems that lead you to argue all the time are not going to go away. If you really want to be with her then you need to talk to her and get to the bottom of things. Maybe even try premarriage counselling. If you can't talk to her then you really have no business marrying her and are better off just letting her go.

 
Old 10-14-2008, 01:38 PM   #7
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Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
So I am thinking it is one of two scenarios.

1. You broke off the engagement and she is very hurt. She thought that going on a "date" with an ex would make you jealous (lets not forget she asked what you did the previous night knowing you would ask the same question) and come running back saying what a mistake you made by breaking it off. Not the I]best[/I] thing to do in this situation, but love can make us do funny things, right?

2. She felt the same as you, that the fighting was too much (she was making digs at you during the last conversation) and she wanted it to end. The moment she got that freedom she went back to an ex, someone she may have even still had feelings for. It was pretty fast, right?

I don't know what your "problems" are or what is making you argue so much. I do know that in marriage you don't get little "breaks". You have to communicate to get the bottom of the issue and resolve it once and for all. All couples fight. It comes with the territory. But constant bickering and feeling the need to make digs could be a sign of much bigger things.

So my advice, talk to her. This isn't going to magically smooth over and the problems that lead you to argue all the time are not going to go away. If you really want to be with her then you need to talk to her and get to the bottom of things. Maybe even try premarriage counselling. If you can't talk to her then you really have no business marrying her and are better off just letting her go.

Or possibly a third possibility...She didn't go out to dinner with her ex. She just told you that she did to try and upset you.

 
Old 10-14-2008, 02:45 PM   #8
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Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by chiefan58 View Post
Or possibly a third possibility...She didn't go out to dinner with her ex. She just told you that she did to try and upset you.
That's why I put "date" in quotations because if it were that scenario she would most likely be making it up to get a reaction. I guess I should have specified that. Thanks chiefan58.

 
Old 10-14-2008, 03:12 PM   #9
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Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice

Thanks everybody for all your advice. I do have to say that I do believe. I was with her for two years and the one thing that she is bad at is lying. And seeing her reactions on how she told me... I believe that she did go out with her ex.
I still have no idea where I am going, but I am leaning towards not getting back.
Also with all the scenario's even if she is lying and didn't go out on a dinner date I still feel that that is a horrible thing to say so even if she told me she was lying I still look at this as a bad thing and I still don't know why that I'm not angry about her going on a date (bugs me...yes). I always thought that my love for her was very very very strong and with me not getting angry I'm starting to wonder if I don't love her any more.
Any thoughts on this?

 
Old 10-14-2008, 06:18 PM   #10
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Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice

Maybe you are resentful right now cause of the fighting and the fact that she went out with an ex made you almost feel numb and not angry about it. Resentment can cause you to build up quite a wall and then when it fades you may suddenly feel quite jealous and angry about it. Fact is, you broke of the engagement because of the fighting and maybe you need time to clear your head, have some peace and can resolve all these mixed emotions you are having. I would advise to give this sometime and see how you feel in the next weeks, months, about the whole thing. If you give it time and lay low I think you may gain some clarity as to whether you should or should not try and work things back out down the line.

Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 10-14-2008 at 06:19 PM.

 
Old 10-14-2008, 09:58 PM   #11
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Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice

Maybe deep down you know it's over and you don't want to get back together, and her going out with an ex gives you a concrete reason to be able to make that decision. Maybe you don't feel mad because you feel relief, like the decision has been made for you.

 
Old 10-15-2008, 07:27 AM   #12
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Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice

Thank you everyone for discussing this issue with me, at has been very therapeutic. I am still thinking of her and it's not any angry thoughts, I just can't stop. I have been through some tuff break ups in the past and this has been the easiest of them all (at least for now) and I have always felt that she was the one out of all of them that I loved the most. My thoughts are not about having her back but they are of why I am not heart broken?

Is this really going to hit me later? or did I mentally checkout months ago?

Look forward to hearing your thoughts.

 
Old 10-15-2008, 08:06 AM   #13
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Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice

It's hard to say why you're not more upset. Only you really know that, but it might take a while to figure out.

It's definitely possible that you mentally checked out before it was over. I have done that before and the relationship was much easier to leave (we lived together and were together 2 years). I was sad and upset a bit, but knew it was SO over when it was, that I was just ready to move on. Maybe you just feel relieved that you are free now. You don't have to deal with the arguing and fighting all the time.

Remember what another poster said ( I don't remember who), in a marriage, you can't take breaks. If you two can't get through your arguments and are always fighting, I don't think you'll have a very happy marriage anyway. So I suggest you consider that before even thinking about getting back together (if you do).

 
Old 10-15-2008, 08:45 AM   #14
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Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice

Thanks for your response. I do know that in a marriage you can't take any breaks. Right now of course we're not married and my thoughts are:

Ok not only do I have to get over all of our other problems, now she throws this in the mix and now there is just one more thing to get over and I don't know if I can.

If we did get back together (and maybe there isn't even the chance for that because maybe she just want to move on) can I get over her being with some else so fast.

And if I there is a chance for us to get back together and we did, I know it would take a lot of effort on both of our parts and to be completely honest I don't know if I'm willing to put in such effort which would probably make matters worse.

And for the record, I am discussing my issues and my problems with her, but I don't want to come across that I don't have any faults... because I do. It was because of both of our wrong doing's to get us to this point.

Right now I'm just so confused that I don't even know what to think.

 
Old 10-15-2008, 08:55 AM   #15
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Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice

Exactly why do you think you should get back together? Simply because you were together a long time and you were engaged? Or because you love her more than anything and want to have a life with her, and can't imagine life without her? If you want to get back together it has to be for the right reasons.

Think about this, it helped me when I was trying to decide if I should get a divorce...the way your relationship is right now, can you imagine living like that for the next 50 years or so? When you think about 50 years with this woman does it sound wonderful, or like a drag?

I'd take some time to think about these things and then decide what to do.

 
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