I recently just broke up an engagement. It has been less than a week and I'm having a bit of a hard time with it. To catch you up on some background to what lead to this, for the past 3 months we have been arguing consistently about every little thing. I do know that it takes two to break up and I have done my fair share of wrongs to get to this point. But last Thursday we we're on the phone and she kept making every dig that she could do and I finally said that I had enough.
On Sunday I needed to get some things from her house and we went out for breakfast. During breakfast she asked what I did the night before so I asked her. Here is how the conversation went.
Me: "What did you do last night?"
She: "Went out to dinner"
Me: "Where?"
She: "Gino's"
Me: "Oh with your parents?"
She "No"
Then she went on to tell me that on Friday night she met one of her ex's and they went out to dinner on Saturday night.
My first thought was that I should be angry at this, but I wasn't. I do know that need to be away from her right now and if I chose to break up then she is free to do what she wants. We have been together for 2 years and we never had any fights about cheating or ex's or anything like that.
After I left I kept thinking about it and I was getting mad at myself for not being mad at this (even though it does bug me). It just seems that she put the final dagger into our relationship, but know I have a millions of questions that I sort of need answers too, but I don't want to call her because I am enjoying not arguing on a daily basis. So I thought that I would throw it out to world and see if any body could give me some insight to some of my questions:
Isn't this too fast? I mean we broke up on Thursday and on Saturday she is on a date
Why am I not mad? Does this mean that I don't love her because I know deep down I do
Is she just doing this to get a reaction out of me? If so, how does she expect me to respond to this.
Is she telling me this was the final straw and she needs to move on? but if this is the case, why so fast?
I know right now at this very moment I can't be with her because I need some peace in my life. I'm looking for advice and I would like to hear others opinions on this matter. I mean does this make her a bad person because for 2 years I always thought that even though some times she wasn't good to me she was at least a good person.
Thank you to all taking your time out to read and hopefully post your advice and opinions
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
My honest guess is that she did it just to get to you. You are the one who broke off the engagement and I'm sure she is hurting. She is trying to make you jealous and trying to "get to you". If you get jealous, it tells her you still care and there may still be a chance for the two of you.
If you are honestly done with her and don't want to get back together, don't say a word about her going out with her ex, because that's what she wants.
I can't say why you wouldn't get mad over that. Maybe it's because you are just really done with being with her. That doesn't mean you don't love her, you are just done, so you don't care what she does. Or, maybe you know she's just doing it to get to you so you're not letting it. Either way, kudos to you for showing no emotion over it.
I'm sure she's not moving on so quickly. Like I said, she's doing it out of spite and she just wants your reaction. It doesn't make her a bad person, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and I think that's where she is right now.
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
Thank You for your comment. I just really don't know how to feel right now and the only feeling that I know is that I need some time away from her (not really her, but the arguing) it just really has taken it's toll on me. I was thinking that she just wanted to move on and it was her way of telling me.
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
YIKES the body wasn't even cold, if you know what I mean......
I wouldn't trust her after that.....
maybe she just needed her ego stroked or some attention, but I don't like it.....and I'm sure you don't either.
I'd say you just dodged a bullet......keep the engagement off.....
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
That what everyone is telling me, but there is a piece of me that thinks in a month or two maybe we could work things out. But with all of our problems she just threw more coals on the fire and if I can find ways to get over my other issues with her, I don't know if I could ever get over this. Right now I'm not mad, but if we got back together I know I won't take this lightly
Or am I just crazy thinking down the road this could work?
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
So I am thinking it is one of two scenarios.
1. You broke off the engagement and she is very hurt. She thought that going on a "date" with an ex would make you jealous (lets not forget she asked what you did the previous night knowing you would ask the same question) and come running back saying what a mistake you made by breaking it off. Not the I]best[/I] thing to do in this situation, but love can make us do funny things, right?
2. She felt the same as you, that the fighting was too much (she was making digs at you during the last conversation) and she wanted it to end. The moment she got that freedom she went back to an ex, someone she may have even still had feelings for. It was pretty fast, right?
I don't know what your "problems" are or what is making you argue so much. I do know that in marriage you don't get little "breaks". You have to communicate to get the bottom of the issue and resolve it once and for all. All couples fight. It comes with the territory. But constant bickering and feeling the need to make digs could be a sign of much bigger things.
So my advice, talk to her. This isn't going to magically smooth over and the problems that lead you to argue all the time are not going to go away. If you really want to be with her then you need to talk to her and get to the bottom of things. Maybe even try premarriage counselling. If you can't talk to her then you really have no business marrying her and are better off just letting her go.
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28
So I am thinking it is one of two scenarios.
1. You broke off the engagement and she is very hurt. She thought that going on a "date" with an ex would make you jealous (lets not forget she asked what you did the previous night knowing you would ask the same question) and come running back saying what a mistake you made by breaking it off. Not the I]best[/I] thing to do in this situation, but love can make us do funny things, right?
2. She felt the same as you, that the fighting was too much (she was making digs at you during the last conversation) and she wanted it to end. The moment she got that freedom she went back to an ex, someone she may have even still had feelings for. It was pretty fast, right?
I don't know what your "problems" are or what is making you argue so much. I do know that in marriage you don't get little "breaks". You have to communicate to get the bottom of the issue and resolve it once and for all. All couples fight. It comes with the territory. But constant bickering and feeling the need to make digs could be a sign of much bigger things.
So my advice, talk to her. This isn't going to magically smooth over and the problems that lead you to argue all the time are not going to go away. If you really want to be with her then you need to talk to her and get to the bottom of things. Maybe even try premarriage counselling. If you can't talk to her then you really have no business marrying her and are better off just letting her go.
Or possibly a third possibility...She didn't go out to dinner with her ex. She just told you that she did to try and upset you.
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
Quote:
Originally Posted by chiefan58
Or possibly a third possibility...She didn't go out to dinner with her ex. She just told you that she did to try and upset you.
That's why I put "date" in quotations because if it were that scenario she would most likely be making it up to get a reaction. I guess I should have specified that. Thanks chiefan58.
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
Thanks everybody for all your advice. I do have to say that I do believe. I was with her for two years and the one thing that she is bad at is lying. And seeing her reactions on how she told me... I believe that she did go out with her ex.
I still have no idea where I am going, but I am leaning towards not getting back.
Also with all the scenario's even if she is lying and didn't go out on a dinner date I still feel that that is a horrible thing to say so even if she told me she was lying I still look at this as a bad thing and I still don't know why that I'm not angry about her going on a date (bugs me...yes). I always thought that my love for her was very very very strong and with me not getting angry I'm starting to wonder if I don't love her any more.
Any thoughts on this?
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
Maybe you are resentful right now cause of the fighting and the fact that she went out with an ex made you almost feel numb and not angry about it. Resentment can cause you to build up quite a wall and then when it fades you may suddenly feel quite jealous and angry about it. Fact is, you broke of the engagement because of the fighting and maybe you need time to clear your head, have some peace and can resolve all these mixed emotions you are having. I would advise to give this sometime and see how you feel in the next weeks, months, about the whole thing. If you give it time and lay low I think you may gain some clarity as to whether you should or should not try and work things back out down the line.
Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 10-14-2008 at 06:19 PM.
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
Maybe deep down you know it's over and you don't want to get back together, and her going out with an ex gives you a concrete reason to be able to make that decision. Maybe you don't feel mad because you feel relief, like the decision has been made for you.
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
Thank you everyone for discussing this issue with me, at has been very therapeutic. I am still thinking of her and it's not any angry thoughts, I just can't stop. I have been through some tuff break ups in the past and this has been the easiest of them all (at least for now) and I have always felt that she was the one out of all of them that I loved the most. My thoughts are not about having her back but they are of why I am not heart broken?
Is this really going to hit me later? or did I mentally checkout months ago?
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
It's hard to say why you're not more upset. Only you really know that, but it might take a while to figure out.
It's definitely possible that you mentally checked out before it was over. I have done that before and the relationship was much easier to leave (we lived together and were together 2 years). I was sad and upset a bit, but knew it was SO over when it was, that I was just ready to move on. Maybe you just feel relieved that you are free now. You don't have to deal with the arguing and fighting all the time.
Remember what another poster said ( I don't remember who), in a marriage, you can't take breaks. If you two can't get through your arguments and are always fighting, I don't think you'll have a very happy marriage anyway. So I suggest you consider that before even thinking about getting back together (if you do).
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
Thanks for your response. I do know that in a marriage you can't take any breaks. Right now of course we're not married and my thoughts are:
Ok not only do I have to get over all of our other problems, now she throws this in the mix and now there is just one more thing to get over and I don't know if I can.
If we did get back together (and maybe there isn't even the chance for that because maybe she just want to move on) can I get over her being with some else so fast.
And if I there is a chance for us to get back together and we did, I know it would take a lot of effort on both of our parts and to be completely honest I don't know if I'm willing to put in such effort which would probably make matters worse.
And for the record, I am discussing my issues and my problems with her, but I don't want to come across that I don't have any faults... because I do. It was because of both of our wrong doing's to get us to this point.
Right now I'm just so confused that I don't even know what to think.
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
Exactly why do you think you should get back together? Simply because you were together a long time and you were engaged? Or because you love her more than anything and want to have a life with her, and can't imagine life without her? If you want to get back together it has to be for the right reasons.
Think about this, it helped me when I was trying to decide if I should get a divorce...the way your relationship is right now, can you imagine living like that for the next 50 years or so? When you think about 50 years with this woman does it sound wonderful, or like a drag?
I'd take some time to think about these things and then decide what to do.
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
Thanks for your response and this is why I say I'm confused.
The only reason why I would get back together with her is because I love her. I love her more than I have ever loved any one in my life.
But I also know that I can't live the next 50 years of my life with the consistent bickering.
So it's almost as if do I let the love of my life go or do I try and work things out with the possibility of not being happy (yes I know that it seems easy to answer, but I have always had hope for us and still do).
To give you a little more back round, a friend of mine (married 12 years) told me that you have to pick and chose your battles and be willing to turn your head on some things. For the last three months I have done that and it just seemed as if the more I gave in the more she wanted. I told her about the conversation that I had with my friend and I was hoping that she would do the same (pick and chose her battles). I also feel that since I turned my head a some things that it just came to a boiling point.
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
I think part of the reason you’re not angry is because you really have no right to be angry. You broke up with her and she got together with a friend for dinner. What’s wrong with that? Even if she went home and had sex with him she was in her given right. She no longer had a boyfriend and as a grown woman she can do as she pleases. I don't think it was right for her to rub it in your face but I don't think she was doing it to hurt your feelings more then she was doing it to see if you still care.
I think a lot of couples go through the argument stage in their relationship especially during the engagement stage. There so much unwanted pressure when you’re engaged and no matter what the other one says or does its always wrong. I've experienced this before and let me tell you that taking a break really put things into perspective. It allows you to grow as a person and to figure out what you really want out of you’re relationship. If you’re both really in love with each other and want to eventually be together when I would tell her that you just need some space.
Of course if you go this route then you’ll need to talk about whether or not its okay to date/hang out with other people. You also need to set up a time frame on getting back together. Asking her to wait a couple of weeks to see if being broke up is really what you want is okay. Asking her to wait more then a month is just keeping her on a chain to drag her back whenever you feel like it. Of course, you also need to be aware of the fact that she just might decide she doesn’t want you anymore
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
Thank you. I do agree that she is free woman and she is old enough to make her own decisions. I was the one who called it off and understand that in all reality it is know business of mine of what she does with her private life. But when we were sitting down together discussing things she kind of said the same thing as you, she said "if it's meant to be it's meant to be and I'll never say never." That is fine to me as well, but how do you feel or say those things when you were on a date the night before just two days after we called it off.
Like I said I'm not trying to come off as some sort of angel. I just really needed to get other people's advise and opinions to try and understand it more.
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
Did she know that you’d be getting together to discuss things before she went out with this guy? Or did you make plans after she had already promised to meet up with this guy?
I think part of her is torn by wanting to work things out with you and the other part of her is saying screw you for breaking up with her. You’ve got to understand that the human mind loves to struggle within its self. Part of us desires one thing while the other part (usually our pride) is tells us something else. Just like you she probably getting a lot of different opinions from those around her.
If she was my friend I probably would have encouraged her to set up a date with this guy just to get her out of the house and to realize there is an entire world outside of you. From past experiences I can relate to how your ex-girlfriend is feeling. I myself have gone out on dates almost immediately after a breakup. Not that I wasn’t devastated over the breakups but sometimes a girl just needs to feel wanted. It’s more of a self confidence booster then actually wanting a relationship with this other guy. No one wants to feel unwanted and when you breakup with someone your basically saying I don’t want you anymore. It’s devastating to a person and revenge is bitter sweet. Part of her probably wants to hurt you the way you’ve hurt her and what better way to do that then to go out with someone else?
The more I write this the more I can also guarantee you that if she was the one to post on this site instead of you that most of us would be telling her to get herself together and start looking for someone new. This in her own way is exactly what she did.
Re: Just Broke off an engagement? Need some advice
According to her time line she knew that we were getting together Sunday morning because I needed to get my things.
Your response really helped me understand a little more. I know that I called off so what she does is her own business. I was just trying to get some understanding of why she would. There is a piece me that wants to get back together (don't even really know if thats what she wants) and I need to know that if we did that I could get over this and with your response I feel that if I decided to go that route I think I can.
Thank you so much you and every one else has been so helpful.
