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Old 10-23-2008, 08:46 AM   #1
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Hurt, high anxiety, scared!

I have a bit of an odd situation. Iím straight, have always been straight, have had a couple boyfriends, etc. etc. I met this amazing girl a little over two years ago and completely fell head over heels. I pursued her too! She is a lot Ďfree-erí than I am, comfortable with herself, is totally gay, but had never had a real true relationship where she was completely in love with someone. We fell in love fast and had a rocky (jealousy, etc.) first few months together, but were totally crazy about each other and still are, or were until recently.
About six months after it started, I told my parents and they freaked out. Their biggest thing was how this lifestyle wasnít me so they felt I was going through some mid-life crisis or something, and they didnít know me anymore. Of course I freaked out too and broke things off with my girlfriend. It was incredibly painful and she and I basically cried nonstop for a few months, but still kept seeing each other a few times a week. I would drop everything for her at a momentís notice if she was upsetÖ still do. This pattern has continued for about a year and a half now. Weíll see each other a ton and be blissfully happy, then try to distance ourselves from one another. Itís incredibly painful, but Iím hoping it just hits me one day - my reason for the break up was to Ďfigure myself outíÖ do I want to be with a woman long term? Am I gay? If bi, can I commit to this lifestyle and risk my family and friends? Iím totally crazy about this girlÖ While weíve been broken up but still seeing each other for a long time now, Iíve been trying to date, get out there, meet people, etc. I meet some ok guys but just canít get into it Ė my heart is with her, not them. Iím just trying to test myself, for some stupid reason. She knows all this and is doing the same thing. I go through spurts where Iím hopeful Iím going to Ďfigure myself outí but those pass and then I feel like this again. She has been dating a bit too, but nothing she really cares about and it doesnít really bother me either since I know itís just something to keep her busyÖ we both really want to be together, but Iím scared that I canít commit to this lifestyle if its not me, and I donít know what to do to Ďget betterí and figure myself out. Something else important to mention is that we are in a big group of friends. She has some friends outside the group, I do too but most of mine are at least one state away, so obviously, weíre tied there too.
As recently as last weekend when I was out of town for business, she met this bombshell who is good friends with one of our mutual friends. Supposedly they have hit it off and my ex introduced her to our group of friends this past weekend Ė just two days later. She assures me itís nothing big but that there may be potential, sheís not sure. Iím still talking and texting with my ex every day and saw her for a great night just a couple days ago. She told me last night sheíd call me on her way home after a date with this girl. She never did and Iíve been a nervous wreck for 12 hours now because of it Ė canít sleep, canít work, canít think. Iím a complete disasterÖ She STILL hasnít texted or called this morning. This girl is now coming into our group and taking my place. There is a party this weekend that weíre all invited to but now because this girl is going, I canítÖ?? Iím a complete wreck about this. I donít know what to do. I canít get over her, yet itís not fair to stay in a relationship with her while I figure myself out. I obviously have some insecurity issues but now Iím left hurting so badly, I donít know what to do. Iím literally a complete disaster, watching my phone, waiting for it to ringÖ. Scared she stayed with this girl last night or sheís angry with me for some reason. Iím literally a complete mess and my heart wont stop racing. I donít know what to do. I havenít called her yet and its taking every bit of strength I have not toÖ
I reread everything I just wrote and I sound so pathetic, but Iím reaching out. I need some advice, some help, something. I donít know what to do and I feel like Iím just trying to keep from going crazy right now. Iím so so scared.
Obviously, Iím very confused with my life, but also in a ton of pain. PleaseÖ any advice would be appreciated.

 
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Old 10-23-2008, 09:00 AM   #2
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Re: Hurt, high anxiety, scared!

Thank you!

 
Old 10-23-2008, 10:05 AM   #3
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Re: Hurt, high anxiety, scared!

While reading that I can't help but to cry out to you to FOLLOW YOUR HEART! You obviously love this girl and had a great relationship, why give up love because other people can't deal with it? You'll never know whether or not you can commit to this kind of relationship unless you just try it out.

You can't blame her for trying to fill your place since you broke up with her.

 
Old 10-23-2008, 08:59 PM   #4
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Re: Hurt, high anxiety, scared!

Start with being honest with yourself. Try not to focus on what others will think. You start your thread by saying that you are straight and always have been straight. How can you say that when you are in love with a woman? Admit to yourself that you are gay. That is the first step. There is nothing wrong with being gay. It is not more right or wrong than being heterosexual. You have only one life. Live it the way you choose to live it, not the way others expect you to live it. I know that this may be hard to do, but you are the only one responsible for your happiness, don't deny yourself to be happy because people may not like that you are gay.
Your girlfriend may find somebody else if you can't decide to commit to the relationship with her. You can't really blame her. She can't put her life on hold and wait for who knows how long.
I want to tell you that it made me feel sad reading your thread. It sounds as if you have a chance to be happy, but are too concerned with others and their thoughts about homosexuality. The fact that it is your family you are concerned about doesn't change anything. You need to live your life, the only life you have, the way that makes you happy, not to please your family or other people.

 
Old 10-23-2008, 09:26 PM   #5
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Re: Hurt, high anxiety, scared!

Yeah, you are not straight and haven't always been straight... you just assumed you were. You might be bisexual, but definitely not straight. That being said, I think you should cut through the illusion that you just need "time" to "figure yourself out." If you try to do that, you're going to be waiting forever. There won't be a day where you'll wake up suddenly and say "Okay, I figured it all out now!" Even if you could, the best way to figure it out is to actually be with a girl and see how it goes. I urge you to go for it and talk to her about it. She sounds like a sweet girl and it seems that you two could have a wonderful relationship! Give it a shot with her, trust me, that's the only way you'll figure anything out. Talk to her soon though or you're going to lose her and you may have already if she is interested in this other girl.

Worry about your parents later - they are going to have to learn to accept that you are gay or bisexual and deal with it themselves, as it is not your problem. They will probably learn to be more accepting after getting other their initial shock. Don't listen to them when they tell you "this lifestyle isn't you" because they don't know your sexual orientation better than you do. It's not a lifestyle or a choice either by the way; you can't help who you are attracted to. Go for it, talk to her, and let us know how it goes!

 
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