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Old 10-23-2008, 05:02 PM   #1
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Nagging and when men shut off

Okay needing some advice. I have recently had alot of arguments with my boyfriend due to major life changes we both are having to make because of stress from the ex-wife (mother of his kids). She is now in jail and has hit a rock bottom. He is trying to rebuild his life in a new state with his children (the have family support) and has asked me to come with him. I have secured a job there and am planning to move there in 4 weeks. We had gone round and round about everything from where are we going to live, to talking to leasing agents, to applying for jobs, interviews, flying back and forth during this transition, etc. The problem is during all this stress I{removed} and know I was nagging him. I have since relaxed some and have stopped all nagging, etc. Anyway, since we have been apart (2 weeks) until I move up there December 1st he has completely shut off. We used to talk nightly, now its only once every 2-3 days and when we do talk he seems short. I have asked him that I know we had fought alot recently due to stress but does he still want me to move there? That he still wants to go forward with everything? He says yes, he says he just does not want to be fighting like we have been but hopes it will be different when I get there and that he understands we are both under alot of stress. I have given him several opportunities to tell me he no longer wants to continue with this and he says he does however his actions are so different now. He hardly responds to emails I send and I just don't know whats up? If he was having second thoughts I would hope he would tell me before I actually move up there. He seems so closed off and I know that nagging can cause this and I have done my share. I have tried to talk to him about how I am feeling and I need him to be a little more open and show me his love a little more since I need that security from him right now (this is a huge decision for me) and although he agrees and all, nothing changes. It has now been 3 days since I have heard from him so hes not doing what I need from him. Is it possible we fought so bad that hes just closed off for now? I feel like I pushed him away cause of my nagging,etc and not until he acted distant did I realize what I was doing. I don't want to loose him and have told him this as well and he has responded with "you're not going to loose me". But then why is he acting so distant? Why is he not calling hardly? Why is he not really responding to my emails? I know he is stressed right now trying to get situated and a little depressed but I need to feel love from him. I feel so closed off from him and am starting to have second thoughts about moving because of how hes been acting. Any advice of what to do? I know I want him, I want this, and I am ready to move and he says he wants this too, but I sense hes not being honest with me. Maybe I'm being paranoid cause this is a big change for me too, and I pushed him away, but I hope I didn't push him too far? What do I do? Why is he acting like this? And what can I do for things to go back to the way they were before all the recent drama?

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 10-24-2008 at 06:29 AM. Reason: If a word has to be asterisked it is not appropriate for these boards.

 
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Old 10-23-2008, 09:12 PM   #2
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Re: Nagging and when men shut off

How long has it been since the nagging stopped?

 
Old 10-24-2008, 01:42 AM   #3
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Re: Nagging and when men shut off

I have stopped nagging for 2-3 weeks. Within the past 2-3 weeks I would mention that I was not happy with his "I'll call you back tonight" and not following through and of course he sees that as fighting as well, but in my eyes if he freaking called when he said he would I would not be upset so if he wants to stop fighting and is tired of the fighting then why is he instigating it? I spoke with him tonight after 4 days and the same thing.....he says he hasn't been calling cause he does not want to argue and I saying that we are arguing because hes not calling when he says he will and thats not respectful; in fact its selfish and hurtful. He admitted hes just been aggravated and is trying to give it sometime (I wish he would have told me this 2 weeks ago).....I can't get through to him. I can't be the only one working on this relationship and if its because we had a rough 6 weeks at what point is he going to get over the aggravation so we can get past this, forgive one another for whatever and move forward?? He still confirms he wants me to move there to be with him but if hes so aggravated with me and us right now then why does he still want me to move there? We have both been in the wrong but I'm ready to get over this and move forward, stronger with the relationship yet he seems "stuck" in this aggravated mode and I don't know what else to do but to just back off and see if he comes around again. The problem is time and if I decide not to move I have SO many things at stake (the new job I would not take, seeing if my apartment isn't rented out yet, etc). I don't have time for these games and love him so dearly but I can't seem to get him out of this aggravated stage no matter how sweet or trying I have been. Do men just need time to cool off? And why do men bottle all it up and then act like this when women say how they feel, get it out on the table, resolve it and get on with it?? I just don't know how much patience I have left, I don't want to loose him, we've come so far but I feel like I'm not being treated fairly and although at times I haven't treated him fairly I just want things to go back like they used to. I even asked him if hes so aggravated with me then why does he even want me to come? He said because I was not always like this and I agreed and said well he hasn't been either so why can't we both just start acting normal again with one another?!?!? I honestly think the relationship has hit a bad point of no return. I don't want to accept it and don't think its been bad long enough to say that. I'm just frustrated, sad, disappointed and feel like its my fault for pushing him to this point? How do I make this right again, if I even can.? I hope its not too late.

 
Old 10-24-2008, 05:26 AM   #4
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Re: Nagging and when men shut off

I don't see the point to nagging anyway, all it does is turn men off and away. BUT at the same time most men will bow to the nagging requests just to make it stop....so I guess this is the reason it continues, it helps women get what they want. Nagging is to women as Whining is to men, so how would a woman like it if her s/o whined all the time?

 
Old 10-24-2008, 07:17 PM   #5
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Re: Nagging and when men shut off

Nagging is not a part of a relationship built on trust and respect. Nagging is not love. I wouldn't want my man to have to tolerate it, or for it to inspire him to do something for me.

Sugar in, sugar out!

 
Old 10-24-2008, 07:51 PM   #6
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Re: Nagging and when men shut off

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dynobot View Post
I don't see the point to nagging anyway, all it does is turn men off and away. BUT at the same time most men will bow to the nagging requests just to make it stop....so I guess this is the reason it continues, it helps women get what they want. Nagging is to women as Whining is to men, so how would a woman like it if her s/o whined all the time?

So true Dyno.... and men do bow to the nagging just to get it to stop. Some women nag because they grew up with a nagging mother and it's part of what they learned.... and they saw that it worked so it's inherant. Other women nag because for some reason they see it as a god given right that women nag and you guys have to live with it because that's the way we are and that sentiment is sadly carried by many men that think ALL women nag... which we don't. However, I have seen a woman ask a man to do something for her just a couple of times in the course of one day ie trash thats rotting in the kitchen that needs to be taken out (and the women aren't nags) and some men will flip out and consider her a nag... which is wrong also.

When it comes to your boyfriend, I think what is happening is he has seen a side to you that he hadn't ever seen before. He is probably wondering if this is what living with you is going to be like when you are under pressure. Even though you have told him about the stress you're under it appears to be freaking him out and giving him second thoughts on whether he wants to stay with you. Even if you never nagged again and wrote it in blood, the nagging may have been so upsetting to him that the fear that this is who you might really be has made him run.

One thing is for sure, the more you push the more he will see you as being even naggish now (I know you're not being that but he might see it as that). As hard as it is to do, you might want to back off from him completely but first send him a heartfelt email telling him (even though you already did) about why you acted the way you did (briefly.. don't write a novel), and tell him you UNDERSTAND why he's feeling the way he is.... assure him that everyone goes through a bad time and go right out and tell him that your behavior was not who you really are and tell him you feel badly that this happened OR... you can simply forget it... yup.. just let it go like it never happened and grit and bear his pulling away and when he does call... don't start the conversation with asking him why he hasn't called or any complaining at all. Simply start acting (its hard to do) but act like your old self. Act happy, joke, be light with him... show him your old self, the one he fell for, in other words.. let it go. The more you bring up what hes NOT doing to make you happy now, the more he is going to feel the feelings of "hassle" and pressure. Right or wrong, that's probably what he's feeling and you want to circumvent that by creating peaceful and happy conversations with him.

Having said that.... everybody goes through a bad time and sometimes reacts badly to stress. If he loves you he should understand that and let this go. You might want to think about this too. Do you want to be with a man that is going to pull away from you when things get rough?

Last edited by cathy1; 10-24-2008 at 08:14 PM.

 
Old 10-25-2008, 02:00 AM   #7
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Re: Nagging and when men shut off

Cathy--Thank you for all your advice. So true and I will try and put some of your suggestions into action and see what happens. And yeah I am taking time to myself to figure out how I deal with stress, how he deals with stress and am I okay with a man that pulls away when time gets rough. Alot to think about and I am taking the time to try and figure it out. I always thought love was enough but as we get older I realize so much is a part of a relationship because love is not enough and sometimes the person we love is not the person we are meant to really be with.

 
Old 10-25-2008, 04:04 AM   #8
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Re: Nagging and when men shut off

It kind of sounds to me like he's not sure if he really wants to be with you. He's hoping that without talking it out, that if he just gives it enough time and stays away from you, you will poof turn back into the person you used to be, whatever that means. I hate to say it but it really sounds like he's changing his mind and just can't bring himself to tell you. Don't expect him to tell you not to come out there, even if he really doesn't want you to anymore. Even if he doesnt' want to really go forward with the plans, it's too late now for him to tell you so, and he never will. Most men would wait for you to come out and then ignore you and hope you just go away. They'd rather do that to you than have the uncomfortable break up talk. That's just how they are. That might be what he's planning on, I don't know. But nagging him about not calling you and not opening up to you now is still nagging, so actually, you are still nagging him. You need to just stop. Give him all the space he needs. Don't call him for the next couple of weeks. How much he calls you in that time will tell you how much he's wanting to talk to you. If he wants to talk to you he'll call you. If he doesn't he won't. And be fun to talk to when he does call. He wont' call if all he hears is "why haven't you called me??!!!! What's going on? Dont' you love me anymore???" etc. That's not fun to men. He wants light, fun, jokes, laughter, etc. He doesn't want to talk it out, he just wants things to just go back to normal and they won't in his mind as long as you keep saying things like "why don't you call more? What's the matter? Do you still want me to come out?" etc. Next time he calls, and wait for HIM to call, keep the conversation fun and light, no heavy relationship talk. Frustrating, I know. Women need to talk everything to death before we can move on and make sure everything's ok, but men tend to just say "yes, things are fine" and poof they want everything to just be the way they were. Good luck.

 
Old 10-25-2008, 09:08 AM   #9
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Re: Nagging and when men shut off

Larrylou-
Thanks for the perspective. Makes alot of sense and the fact that you sense that hes really not wanting me to come out there but thinks its too late now so he'll let me leave all my friends and family, move 1200 miles away and then crush me? Men are such cowards. I would never do that to someone I love. I would hope he would have enough love and respect for me not to do something like that. But then again, that very well could be the issue here. I am backing off. I had sent a short email that I loved him and was sorry for everything and that was that. I have not called him. I will not call him or email cause I am learning he needs his space although he has never asked for it and It would not have even got to this point if I didn't have to "assume" whats going on and he could have told me he needed some space, etc. So I am trying to suck up all this anxiety and as much as I would love to give this weeks I don't have that kind of time due to the plans so I have made a mental deadline of November 1st to make the decision myself. I mean do I just sit back and let this man break my heart or do I take some control and stand up for my needs and wants and get out before he devastates me?? I'm just so sad it got to this point and really hope things can go back to the way they were. So I'm scared to just break it off at this point hoping that if I give him some time and me some time that everything will work itself out. I don't want to break things off and then regret it in a month and always wonder what would have happened if I had just moved out there. Man what a mess. I'm not prepared for yet another heartbreak and I feel really bad cause I've realized its me and I don't know if there is anyone that I will ever meet that will understand me and love me unconditionally. I'm not perfect and can be awesome at times but I also can freak out under stress and push people away. I didn't mean for this to happen and I hate myself for it now.

 
Old 10-25-2008, 12:49 PM   #10
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Re: Nagging and when men shut off

Lets not forget that a lot has happened in his life. The mother of his children went to jail so he is now thrown into being a single parent. Add to that the pressures of moving to a new place and trying to get the kids settled and happy (which must not be easy for them btw) and him trying to get situated and you have a man that is most likely burnt out. He is "tuning out" because at this point I think he has to.

As hard as it is I think you do need to just let it go. When you talk to him don't even mention that he hasn't done this or that. Ask him about his day. Ask him about the home. Just have a nice conversation with no pressure. I'm sure he is feeling very overwhelmed right now and just needs the comfort of his girlfriend without feeling like he is letting her down. Does that make sense?

The other thing I want to suggest is can you go visit for a day or two as a surprise? Maybe seeing you and having a nice time together like you use to would work wonders to boost his spirits? Distance is hard on any relationship. He has a lot on his plate right now so try to pick your battles before you do push him away.

 
Old 10-25-2008, 02:13 PM   #11
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Re: Nagging and when men shut off

I don't think you necessarily need to break up with him. I thin khe's still thinking, and he needs space and time to think, but yes, generally speaking, men will allow you to leave your friends, uproot your life, move miles and miles and then just turn cold and try to make you leave him because he just doesn't have the guts to say "It's over." I've seen it many times, even here on these boards.

But I DON'T think you're there yet. He just needs time to think about things and to see if things will get back to the way they were. It's going to have to start with you. You're going to have to just be the way you were before all this stuff started and let all the problems go. He's obviously not a "let's talk it out" kind of guy, so you have to just forget about that. Just forget the past, start fresh from today, and next time you hear from him, don't even mention that you're sorry, don't mention anything at all about what's been going on. Just be as sweetness and light as you can, and be fun to talk to. A man wont' want to talk to you if you're not fun to talk to, and "why haven't you called, what's going on, should we talk about it?" that's not fun to a man. Just be as fun and up and light as you can and see where that gets you. One step at a time for now. Good luck.

 
Old 10-25-2008, 02:36 PM   #12
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Re: Nagging and when men shut off

Happymom--I agree it has been a whirlwin for him the past 2 months not to mention I have already secured a job there (it fell in my lap) and hes still trying to secure a full time real job and is just doing side work right now to stay afloat. I understand hes under severe pressure and stress and maybe I have been selfish right now cause I'm needing security and excitement from him about me coming there and I'm not getting it. I mean, who wants to move somewhere they don't feel wanted? I think the problem is that we are both needing each other differently right now and its causing problems for me and him. So I am taking your advice and laying low. There are 2 emails previously sent that he still hasn't read but they were pretty short and simple and I think the biggest change will be me not calling at all. When he wants to talk; he'll call and I guess at this point the stress and packing and moving I need to rely on my friends because hes emotionally absent to me right now. I'm just scared to move there and him do what Larrylou suggested and just push me away even more I don't think a surprise visit would be good cause as aggravated he is with me right now I think that would just make him feel smothered. I will lay low and be light hearted when he calls, which there have been times I have already tried that and he still acted aggravated but I wasn't consistant with it. Hopefully things will work out.

 
Old 10-28-2008, 11:18 PM   #13
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Re: Nagging and when men shut off

Well I still haven't heard from him after 5 days now I do not have any urge to contact him by phone or email because honestly I have nothing left to say. All I can do is give this sometime and see where it ends up. I am honestly starting to consider that I should still go for the job especially since the economy is so horrible right now. Its the only good job offer I have gotten in the past 7 months, unfortantely its in New Hampshire, 1,200 miles away from all friends and family. The job so easily fell in my lap that I'm thinking that maybe I need to take that job and move for a reason and that reason is no longer him. Maybe meeting him and originally moving to be with him is what it took for me to get a job there and something even better is waiting whether it be someone new or some good friends or maybe just a growing experience that I need. So I have been looking for rooms to rent in the area (so I have someone nearby) and just randomly pick a stranger to live with and that way I don't have to spend the money on the move of all my stuff but just pack up my car and go for it. If the job does not turn out good, or I hate the weather or If I get too lonely I can always come back home and not have to get a truck or anything. That way the move won't seem so permanent and if he comes back around and things aren't going well and I just want to come back home I can. I hate to give up the job offer because of him but at the same time I hate that I will be moving to his town for the job when if this is over it would be much easier to move on from here, except theres not a job for me here Funny how things work. I'm just so frustrated and need the support from my local friends/family through this but also need a job. Ugh.

 
Old 10-29-2008, 10:20 AM   #14
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Re: Nagging and when men shut off

He sounds like my bf.No matter what you say to him he thinks its nagging.You can't have a conversation with them about anything without them calling it nagging.My guess is,that this is what you would be dealing with if you moved in with him.He sounds like a guy that does not like to "talk" or "discuss" things.So if you can put up with that kind of guy,go for it.But if you want someone that you can "discuss" issues with then I would reccommending looking elsewhere.

Last edited by daylight568; 10-29-2008 at 10:21 AM.

 
Old 10-29-2008, 02:30 PM   #15
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Re: Nagging and when men shut off

Is there anyway you can go back to your old job or find another one locally? I really feel for you as this must be so hard for you. All I can say is what a CREEP and coward that he if doesn't want you to come that he won't say it. Right there would be it for me. I've dated men that are cowards and I've dated men that I respect who call it as it is. I'm with a man that is an honorable man that is straight with me on everything which I respect so much after all the cowards I've dated in the past.

I'm sure your heart is broken up about this but this guy is really lacking in charachter to do this to you and you sound like a person that could do SO much better. Think about this..... if you ever got really sick or something bad happened to you, this guy sounds like he'd be USELESS.

BTW.... I've lived up North and if you don't like cold weather, snow, etc take that into consideration as it's a long grey winter up there.

Keep us posted on how you're doing.

 
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