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Old 11-04-2008, 08:26 AM   #1
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He lied to me...how do I trust him again?

Well I caught my boyfriend in a lie this past weekend. I sent a picture from my phone to his, and when i checked his inbox in his texts to make sure he got it, he had 2 messages from a girl i have never heard of before. Nothing was said that was harmful/dirty or flirty, but it still bothered me and I confronted him about it. Well he told me that him and his friend who also lives with him in his apartment met 2 other girls who live upstrairs from them and that they drank up at their place only one night. Well, that hurt me enough because he felt the need to keep it from me that he met a couple of his neighbors who were girls, I would not have gotten that angry or would forbid him to do so, and he should know this by now, now that we've been together for 6 months. I told him I would rather him be open and honest with me than hide things, regardless of whether it was harmless or not, because it's just shady to me. I threatened to break up with him because I told him I cannot trust him anymore, and that its causing more worry that I'm with him than if I was not. I don't want to give up on this relationship, so I did not break up with him. He was really really upset, and wanted to know any way he could get me to trust him again. And we talked about it and decided we would try to make this work. well the NEXT day, I found a receipt in his pocket while doing his laundry that was from a different night that was from a beer distributer. Well as far as I knew from him, he had only drank with these girls ONE night. So I confronted him about it, and he said "ok yes we did drink with them 2 nights". So I kinda flipped on him telling him that he is a liar, asking him why he would lie to me, that I cannot be with a liar, and all of this. I asked why he felt the need to lie to me about this, and he told me that when I was about to break up with him, he was afraid to tell me about the other night drinking with them to me because he saw how upset and angry i was, that he was sure I'd leave him. And I told him that I wanted honestly, and he had a chance to come clean, but he still DIDNT, while i was crying about not trusting him right in front of his face! He apologized and everything, and told me he is going to try harder and let me know what he is doing, but I don't know...we're shaky, and I'm so confused as to whether or not I should stay with him...I love him and care for him so much, but still, I don't know...Please, I need advice on what I need to do. Thank you.

Last edited by cmill32; 11-04-2008 at 08:29 AM.

 
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Old 11-04-2008, 09:19 AM   #2
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Re: He lied to me...how do I trust him again?

I know exactly how you feel! My boyfriend lied to me about 6 months into our relationship and it nearly destroyed us. Men don't understand the damage that lying can do. And they usually do it for 2 reasons... to keep themselves out of trouble after doing something shady, or they think they are "sparing our feelings" and avoiding a fight. When my boyfriend lied to me, I think it was the latter. What he did was really not that big of a deal, but he knew it would upset me a bit. What he didn't realize that once he got caught lying, it would become a MUCH bigger deal and nearly ruin our relationship.

Anyway, you basically have two choices... let it go and try to move forward (which from experience, is hard, because it will take a while to get that trust back), or just let him go. It all comes down to if you really deep down inside yourself, trust him. In your situation, it seems pretty shady to me that he is hanging out with other girls behind your back. If he is in a relationship with you, why is he going out with 2 other girls, with his guy friend? Couldn't that be considered a double date kind of? You said you didn't really have a problem with it, if he had told you, so maybe that's a difference of opinions between you and I. But if my boyfriend did that, whether he told me or not, I would have an issue with it. It just seems to be crossing the boundaries to me.
But, that's for you to determine. Whether it was all innocent or if there is a need to worry. And only you can decide that.

His lying doesn't HAVE to mean the end of your relationship, but it's certainly not a good start! If you forgive him, you have a tough road ahead of you, and your relationship will have to be strong and a very good one in order to make it through the next few months.

Good luck with whatever decision you make. I chose to forgive my boyfriend, and it's now a year later. We have a great relationship, but I still have trust issues sometimes. The thing with me is that I had trust issues to begin with from my past, so his lying to me just made them even worse. But, we have and are working through them, and our every day life is normal and happy. There are just certain times that trust issues pop up and we have to work on them.

 
Old 11-04-2008, 10:48 AM   #3
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Re: He lied to me...how do I trust him again?

What would bother me the most is why is he drinking and carrying on with the neighbor girls? NOT GOOD! Nothing good comes from a man and woman getting drunk together! Also you know that he's lying...but what really happened with the girls? That's the real troublesome thing that I'd be asking myself...what is the real extent of the drinking with the neighbors?
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Old 11-04-2008, 12:20 PM   #4
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Re: He lied to me...how do I trust him again?

I think "why lie, if you have nothing to hide?"

 
Old 11-04-2008, 01:24 PM   #5
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Re: He lied to me...how do I trust him again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by elatedgiraffe View Post
I think "why lie, if you have nothing to hide?"
Exactly! It's bad enough he lied about the "one time" only to have it come out that it happened more than once. I would have a pretty hard time trusting him too. It seems you are reluctant to end it but you need to understand that this may be the kind of person he is. Can you handle that? Don't expect him to all of a sudden start being honest. I would only expect him to get sneakier. Personally, I would invite myself over for a night with him and the neighbors and get to know these girls if I planned on staying with this guy.

 
Old 11-04-2008, 04:00 PM   #6
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Re: He lied to me...how do I trust him again?

He is just a coward IMO. He went and had drinks with the neighbours, and decided not to tell you because he could not think of an 'innocent' explanation that would make you suspicious, jealous and cross (in his mind, anyway). So he didn't mention it, you found out and all his worst fears came true - world war 111!! (again I am trying to think as he might). So you did the huge emotional thing, and he chickened out even further - men will go to any lengths to avoid emotional bloodshed. Given that he didn't cheat on you, LIGHTEN UP. He will be even more reluctant to bring the wrath of GF down on his head. Just say calmly and firmly that lying is more unacceptable to you than unauthorised visits with the neighbours. Lengthen the leash a little and he will trust you enough to tell you the truth in future.

 
Old 11-04-2008, 04:23 PM   #7
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Re: He lied to me...how do I trust him again?

I would have a hard time trusting him too.. from my experiences this is what I think..

I think he doesn't see your relationship that serious after 6 months. He hasn't invested enough time (in his mind) to be monogamous. And obviously it's hard for him to say no to these neighbors coming over, he thinks- hey two hot girls want to come over, why not? Men think different than woman. And his "i'll try harder" isn't good enough, if he wants to take your relationship serious.

And like another poster said, why lie if you have nothing to hide? IMO something more than drinking happened. And Happymom mentioned going over to his apt. when the neighbors are there and getting to know them, I would do that too. But I can bet you that he doesn't want you meeting and getting to know them- why? cause he is more than just friendly with at least one of these girls..nothing good comes from men and woman getting drunk together..

 
Old 11-04-2008, 05:09 PM   #8
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Re: He lied to me...how do I trust him again?

I have considered all your guys' points prior to hearing them, this is why I am so confused. Seraph's point does make sense, in that he probably didn't want to hurt my feelings and avoid unnecessary drama so he avoided this all together, but at the same time, all the other points make sense too in that he might be lying for a particular reason. I met one of the girls the other night, and she seemed nice, introduced herself to me and everything, also, these girls do know that I am his girlfriend. Not saying this will stop them/him, but when some of you say he has something going on with one of these girls-i do not think so. I mean, I could be wrong, but I don't know. He seems really into me, and got extremely upset when I almost dumped him. I just don't know what to think anymore!!! like I said, part of me thinks I should forgive and forget, and keep my suspicions up, and another part of me thinks that he will continue to lie to me, as if he cant help it, so why waste my time in this relationship? Him being coward makes sense, but him being shady for a reason makes some sense too......

 
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