It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 11-05-2008, 08:54 PM   #1
Inactive
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 209
-CvC- HB User-CvC- HB User-CvC- HB User-CvC- HB User
old girl, new girl, and I am in the middle. what do I do?

I seem to have a problem with my previous girlfriend. I have been dating her for a couple years. I always thought it was mostly a sex arrangement. She is married and never had made any real moves to leave her husband and isn't going to. I know the relationship isn't/wasn't going anywhere and tried to call it off.

In the meantime an old girlfriend from high school looked me up and we've been talking for a few weeks now. We spend every possible second talking online and I've even went to see her. I never thought I would feel for someone like I do her. It's weird, confusing, and wonderful all at one. I always loved her, but due to being a stupid young man in heat I did not want a "good girl" and instead I ended up stuck with an evil, vile woman who tortured me until I left her.

Me and the new woman have lived parallel lives. Only she didn't have the good time and adventures that I had. Her experiences were a bit more harsh. We have apparently decided that since the man she is with now keeps threatening to leave, we are going to let him. Even his kids from a previous marriage have told her to leave him. And he's their daddy. All of this has been going on long before she found me again.

So, now that I have made promises to a woman who I know is going to choose me and am actively making plans with her for our new life together, my previous girl all of a sudden gets jealous and is now emailing be several times a day and even calling. She never called me before.

She came over yesterday and we had sex, but it was not like before. I did not want to do it. Kissing her was weird. The only way I got through it was by thinking of the new girl. And that made it weirder. Now she wants to go on an out of state trip with me. Usually I am up for something like that right away. But now I don't want to go. I would miss a few hours of talking to the new girl and I'd rather spend two hours talking to her than have a 3 day all expense paid vacation to the mountains with the old one.

But here is the rub. I seriously believe that the old girlfriend is going to kill her self when I break it off. She has told me a thousand times that I am the only reason she lives. I always thought it was just silly girl talk. Her reaction to learning of the new girl makes me think she was serious and will really do it.

I have never in my life dealt with a jealous girlfriend. And I don't know how to get her to end our relationship and still keep living. If she goes through with it when I move in with the new girl, and I will eventually move in with her, then I will feel like I murdered her.

What do I do? It's going to be several months before the new girl can get rid of her husband and us be able to live together full time. And we've both decided against a sexual relationship until then. She doesn't want to be a cheater and that's just fine with me. I had thought I would continue seeing the old girlfriend until my plans with the new girl were actually happening. I mean, realistically I don't know if she will or won't. It's all talk right now. I didn't want to mess up what I had in the first place just in case.

But I don't think I can go through with it. I don't think I can have sex with the old girlfriend any more. I don't feel for her like that any more. But I don't want to hurt her. How do I do that? She tells me that if our sexual relationship ends that is it for her. Her husband has never had sex with her and isn't going to start. She isn't going to look for anyone else, she might as well be dead. How can a man be aroused when he is guilted into sex with someone he is no longer attracted to?

It all makes me feel awful. And there is no one to talk to about it. The old girlfriend treated me like a king. She showered me with gifts, took me places, did anything I wanted and seemed happy to do it. She is smart and great to talk to. I feel like I should feel more for her and want her more than I do. This new girl is from my past. She wants me to work my tail off and support her. She won't be buying me anything or taking me anywhere. She will cost me everything I make and then some. How do I explain that I choose the new girl anyway to the old one? How can I make that make sense to her when even I can't get any kind of grip on it?

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 11-06-2008, 02:04 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 931
digmusic HB Userdigmusic HB Userdigmusic HB Userdigmusic HB User
Re: old girl, new girl, and I am in the middle. what do I do?

One quick question: why do you say the new girl will "cost you everything you make and then some?"

 
Old 11-06-2008, 03:24 AM   #3
Inactive
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 209
-CvC- HB User-CvC- HB User-CvC- HB User-CvC- HB User
Re: old girl, new girl, and I am in the middle. what do I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by digmusic View Post
One quick question: why do you say the new girl will "cost you everything you make and then some?"
Because unlike the old girl, the new one is not financially independent. She will require my help to survive. When we move in together, I will be giving her all my money so she can pay the bills and whatnot. The old girl has never asked for or gotten a penny from me.

So instead of having plenty enough money to do whatever I want, I will be giving it all to her so she can pay her rent, power, eat, etc. She depends on her husband's income. It is why she puts up with him. It is the only reason she allowed him back when he cheated on her last time. She could not make it alone.

If she is going to either let him leave or kick him out, she will need extra money so she isn't destitute and her kids have food and shelter. I have agreed to give her that money. So I will be poor. I would rather be poor and have her than be comfortable and either be alone or be with the old girl.
\

 
Old 11-06-2008, 04:53 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: US
Posts: 788
BeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB User
Re: old girl, new girl, and I am in the middle. what do I do?

Jeez Louise man...you've got yourself into one mell of a hess don't you! You've got one woman that loves you but you don't love her...then you have another woman that needs a sugar daddy! You need to rid yourself of both these women. Sounds to me like the new woman needs an escape from her husband and you've provided that for her. A lot of women do this...they cannot support themselves so they go from man to man as long as they have jobs and can support them.

What is that statement "her husband has never had sex with her"? OH PUUULEEEEZ...is this what you were told...that's the most ridiculous statement I've ever heard! You actually believe something like that? Plus she's totally wacked out! If she wants to kill herself then she needs to just go ahead! Your job in life isn't to provide happiness for someone you don't want to be with. Then here's something else, now you are already cheating on the new girl! What's up with that!? This is just so mess up it's not even funny! Perhaps next relationship, you should get involved with someone that's not already married...that may make things a bit less complicated don't you think?
__________________
My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.

Last edited by BeaTrade; 11-06-2008 at 07:21 AM.

 
Old 11-06-2008, 09:47 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
trystme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,101
trystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB User
Re: old girl, new girl, and I am in the middle. what do I do?

I agree, I think that you should get rid of both of them. Neither of them is good for you. They are both using you. One for sex and the other for a way out and a hand out.

And the old, "I'll kill myself if you leave me" is so very pathetic. I would not believe that for a second. She will be just fine without you, let her go and you'll see.

 
Old 11-06-2008, 09:52 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,351
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: old girl, new girl, and I am in the middle. what do I do?

suicide threats are usually manipulation........

get rid of them both and start fresh........

 
Old 11-06-2008, 10:01 AM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Kszan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 4,986
Kszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB User
Re: old girl, new girl, and I am in the middle. what do I do?

I agree with the others, get rid of both of them. Neither of them have good intentions for you for wanting to be with you. Both of them are married already. Why do you keep going after married women? There are way more sane and non-use-ing single women out there who would be a hundred times more suited to you than either of these choices!

Maybe you should also look into talking to a therapist about why you keep going after emotionally unavailable women who are married. And why you would continue to choose them after they have proven that they only want certain things from you, not a balanced loving relationship like a normal person.

 
Old 11-06-2008, 11:44 AM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,361
AnnD HB UserAnnD HB User
Re: old girl, new girl, and I am in the middle. what do I do?

Well I have read some of your past problems...you are about or almost 40? and you say you have no friends and no online dates and pretty much live an alone existence all your life(except for your children...which was quite an accomplishment on your own)and it seems you live a lonely existence. So as far as your current situation why not just play them both...I mean neither are going anywhere as they are attached so none of this is going to go anywhere but it will keep you entertained and certainly keep you busy for awhile. Good luck.

 
Old 11-06-2008, 12:54 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,351
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: old girl, new girl, and I am in the middle. what do I do?

AnnD has a good point.....they're both committed to someone else, why stress yourself out about this.......that's one viewpoint, play them both

either get rid of them both, or play them both. don't be emotionally attached with either one of them, they're unavailable.

but that's a good question.....why do you find yourself in "relationships" with women who are unattainable? could it be because you are afraid to commit?
This way you don't have to......you're safe.
Think about it.......

 
Old 11-06-2008, 01:33 PM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: California
Posts: 2,095
Redneon82 HB User
Re: old girl, new girl, and I am in the middle. what do I do?

The new woman is entitled to support from her soon to be ex husband. She shouldn't need you to pay her bills, unless she just wants you to. I'm divorced, living with a man, and he sure as heck doesn't pay my bills! I actually have a JOB, and support myself. My mom and dad divorced and mom had to re-enter the job market after 15 years of being a stay at home mom. Guess what? She did it! I learned so much from her, such as how not to be a weak, dependent woman who can't survive without a man.

As for the other one...what a bill of goods she's sold you! She will not kill herself, what a crock. She'll just look for her next victim.

Also, how does the new woman feel about you using the other one for sex until she leaves her husband? She's ok with that?

This is a soap opera for sure. Unless you really love daytime drama, you might think about starting fresh with a SINGLE woman who isn't a master manipulator.

 
Old 11-06-2008, 01:35 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4,202
happymom28 HB User
Re: old girl, new girl, and I am in the middle. what do I do?

What a mess!!!

The old girl is just manipulating you so she can have the best of both worlds. She gets to have sex with you but share her life with another man. What are you gaining from this situation aside from just sex? And yes, I realize after typing this question most people on here are saying "that is what he is getting!!!", but doesn't that get old after awhile? Don't you eventually want a person who can share their life with you and not just use you for what they need and then forget about you until next time? The fact that she says she will kill herself shows she has issues. If her life were so terrible with this husband she wouldn't be with him. Don't allow her to treat you this way. Tell her point blank that you want more and let the chips fall where they may. You are not responsible for her or her happiness. You don't see her caring about your's do you?

The new girl needs to get her life together without you. Why did she all of a sudden look you up? Did she know you would be willing to take on her and her financial stresses? She is an adult and needs to act like one. Sure, being a single mother is tough (I have been one as have many others on here), but going from man to man the way she will be is ridiculous. Don't take on her baggage. That's not love, that's convenience. You need to take care of you. So, I would tell her to straighten out her life and when she is in a position to date you to call you. Don't be her "sugar daddy" or anything else because all you will do is lose in the end.

Of course, there is always the option of playing them both the way they are playing you. Neither one of them can commit fully to you so why do that to them? You have no idea what may happen in the future with these women. Personally, I think you need to have more respect for yourself and get out there and meet some new people. There are so many decent people out there to have in your life that can actually be a part of your life, you know? Stop selling yourself short.

 
Old 11-06-2008, 02:30 PM   #12
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 928
Tivo123 HB UserTivo123 HB UserTivo123 HB UserTivo123 HB User
Re: old girl, new girl, and I am in the middle. what do I do?

It seems like, to pick either one, would be a very losing proposition for you. If I were in your position, I'd tell them both to shove off and find a much better woman.

You only get once chance at this life, and if you allow yourself to be treated this way in relationships, you will end up living a very miserable existance. Don't you want something better for yourself?

 
Old 11-06-2008, 03:26 PM   #13
Inactive
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 209
-CvC- HB User-CvC- HB User-CvC- HB User-CvC- HB User
Re: old girl, new girl, and I am in the middle. what do I do?

I swore that after the old girl that I would not date any more married women. I never counted on the one woman from my past that I still have feelings for looking me up. She was my sweetheart in Jr High, High School and we were still in touch for a while after I was married. We have history together. She wasn't my steady because I was a stupid teenager who wanted sex. Lots of it from as many woman as I could get. She was a "good girl" and didn't do that sort of stuff. I loved her, but I wanted sex and a good time. Then my father died and I went sorta crazy. I was 17 and within a year I was married to and gotten pregnant one of those "bad girls". By the time I realized what I had done and what was going on, it was way too late.

Lucky for me, this "new girl" continued to call me and tell me she loved me anyway. I was starting to realize that I had married the wrong woman and was in a seriously messed up situation.

Then my wife picked up the phone and cussed her and threatened her until she hung up. At that point, she was lost to me. There was nothing I could do. I didn't have her new phone number and there was no way I could even try to see her. A year later I was single again. She had moved away and I spent years and years looking for her.

Now she has found me again. We have spent hours and hours and hours talking so far and both of us still feel the same for each other. I volunteered to support her. It was my idea. If there are other ways for her to survive between the time he moves out and I move in, we will explore those options. I don't really care. I don't want to spend another 20 years looking for her again.

If she was looking for a sucker to give her a sweet life, she found the right one. But if he doesn't leave, she's not going to get any of my money. That's not the deal. I won't do that. She has to be "single" first. She is worried she will lose her kids. She is worried that she won't be able to make it during the time I am not there. I will do whatever I have to in order to end those worries and make her happy.

AnnD is right. I am alone and have been very lonely. For a long time. I think I have been waiting. Waiting for just this particular woman. Otherwise I would not have invested hundreds of hours in a futile search for her. (She was right under my nose the entire time. We have lived parallel lives.) The guy she ended up with has the same initials as I do, and many other similarities. He is pretty much a very poor copy of me. Me if I was fat, ugly and mean. He has always been her second choice. If he was that great of a guy, I would not stand a chance. Now would I?

I don't know if you guys are right about if the old girl just bluffing. She really does have no life outside of me. She just drinks, reads and watches tv. Her husband really doesn't have sex with her. I think he is one of those closet gays that marry for appearances. She understood he didn't like sex before she married him. She thought he was kidding. He wasn't.

I thought I could play both sides. I thought I could still be a horndog. But I have realized I can't and that's where the problem lies. I HAVE to break it off with the old girl. There is no attraction there, I don't like her that way anymore. I am going to pursue the new girl until either she is with me, or I have my heart broken again. She's the only one that's worth that risk to me. I just don't want the old girl to get blind drunk, feel she has nothing to live for, and have her eat a few bottles of pills. I am being told it's a bluff.

How do you know? What if it's not? Isn't there some way to let her down and not have her go to pieces?

 
Old 11-06-2008, 04:00 PM   #14
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: London
Posts: 117
Christine73 HB User
Re: old girl, new girl, and I am in the middle. what do I do?

Look, even if she does go ahead and kill herself, which is HIGHLY unlikely...it is not your responsibiliy! You are not her dad, guardian or whatever...stop letting yourself be emotionally blackmailed!

 
Old 11-06-2008, 05:40 PM   #15
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: ny
Posts: 73
patteecake HB User
Re: old girl, new girl, and I am in the middle. what do I do?

What about her children?

If shell kill herself, what does that show you for how much she cares about her children. It's sad. I know how is feel to want someone you can't have. A conquest. You know it and i know it will not get better only worse. You need to let go.. seperate yourself.. start avoiding her...you can't put her death in your hands.. she'll live with out you, she has all this time and got married and had kids...

LOve is funny, its happy, miserable and damn right cruel...Sometimes i'd rather be alone then deal with the bs i go through, my self creating bs so much.. i care for this ***** so much he could give a **** less about my son or myself.. why do i still want him, it goes back to we want what we can't have.. one day at a time, you will get over this and move on. u need to start now.. no matter how much your scaredf. do it for yourself.. good luck!!

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
if i had sex with a girl and she is in the middle of her period does she get pregnant paul dina Pregnancy-Teen 0 03-27-2009 10:02 PM
I'm in love with a girl whose boyfriend is a friend of mine Jack Smith Relationship Health 110 08-15-2007 01:24 PM
Talking to this girl...Dont know what to talk about? Imstillhere Relationship Health 2 02-12-2007 12:23 PM
Whats the easiest way to Explain PPP to a girl? OpenMind Sexual Health - Men 19 10-18-2006 07:43 AM
Girl Obsession.. maybe this dosent go here? Aehs Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) 1 11-11-2004 11:36 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (273), rosequartz (255), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (156), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (100), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1007), Apollo123 (906), Titchou (851), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (755), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:11 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!