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Old 11-15-2008, 04:04 PM   #1
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help me what can i do my mother in - law keep making his dinner knowing i made dinner

help me what can i do

my mother in - law keep making his dinner knowing i made dinner too
i asked her to let me know but she does not.

 
Old 11-15-2008, 04:33 PM   #2
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Re: help me what can i do my mother in - law keep making his dinner knowing i made di

Chances are you should be taking this issue up with your spouse instead of your mother-in-law ... That's your first mistake right there.

Since when is your mother-in-law accountable to you?It should be your spouse that is both held accountable and responsible to tell his Mom to 'back off' plus make sure you know his plans.

Seems your spouse is the one that is taking advantage of both you and your Mother-in-law and needs to be the one put in check so to speak.

Start there and apologise to your MIL for dragging you into this mess ... Better yet have the husband apologise to you both for being so selfish and self absorbed to cause this rift between you cause' that's how adults handle situations.

That's all I have ...

 
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Old 11-15-2008, 05:45 PM   #3
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Re: help me what can i do my mother in - law keep making his dinner knowing i made di

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Originally Posted by Karebear2u View Post
Chances are you should be taking this issue up with your spouse instead of your mother-in-law ... That's your first mistake right there.
I disagree, Karebear2u. I don't believe you should put your husband in the awkward position of being caught between his wife and mother, dorothy 234. Futhermore, since this is such a trivial matter, it would make sense to establish an understanding before interference in dinner becomes interference with any children you might have, for example.

Just spell it out that you haven't taken mum's son away from her but you've joined the family and no amount of home cooking will intimidate you. You need to be assertive but not rude. Just explain that it's your responsibility to cook your husband's dinner and her contribution is causing you to waste food. Don't let it stress you out!

 
Old 11-15-2008, 06:47 PM   #4
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Re: help me what can i do my mother in - law keep making his dinner knowing i made di

Similar thing happened with me. My mother-in-law had the key to my husband's apartment and would leave food in the refrigerator even after we got married. I didn't like it because I planned and shopped and all for nothing because she already left something. She thought she was helping or wanted to feel needed. I wouldn't have minded as much if she let me know in advance that she was leaving food. I don't know why it stopped though, I don't know if my husband said something or she somehow realized she wasn't going into his apartment anymore but OUR apartment.

Maybe you can ask her to let you know ahead of time when she plans to make dinner so you don't have to. If you don't want her to cook for you at all let your husband see how mad you are about it and he should ask her to stop. She is only doing it to keep connected to her son so he is the one who has to let her know that his wife is taking care of the cooking now.

Is she only making dinner for him or you too?

 
Old 11-16-2008, 11:00 AM   #5
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Re: help me what can i do my mother in - law keep making his dinner knowing i made di

I don't know how long you've been married, but I don't think this will last for ever.

Is it true that the relationship between a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law is the worst possible in this world?

I don't think you should confront her. This could make the relationship even worse. Talk instead to your husband about it and ask him to tell her that you and he would like to share the cooking responsibility with her. She will cook one day, and you two the other. Yes, he must also help you, why not? Exchange recipes with her, why not? If she cooks too rich foods, you'll balance the diet with lighter foods, otherwise your husband may lose his shape, mind you.

On the days you don't cook dinner, you can be free to do anything else. Enjoy. In any case, you are preparing his breakfast every morning, aren't you? You could excel here, too.

 
Old 11-16-2008, 11:24 AM   #6
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Re: help me what can i do my mother in - law keep making his dinner knowing i made di

I find it interesting that everyone else suggests not talking directly to the mother-in-law but instead to the husband. That just doesn't make sense to me; she will know who put her son up to it if he tackles her about the interference with dinner. So why hide behind him? Why set that precedent when this is a safe, trivial issue to use to set the tone for the relationship?

A good friend of mine married last year. His marriage was arranged. His sisters didn't like his wife and they picked on her when he wasn't there. Instead of confronting them directly, my friend's wife turned to him to talk to his sisters. This put him in an awkward position which he was reluctant to deal with; he was miserable about this for some time. In the end it just took clear the air talks between the girls to sort things out.

 
Old 11-16-2008, 11:42 AM   #7
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Re: help me what can i do my mother in - law keep making his dinner knowing i made di

When mom brings over dinner too, why not just ask hubby which he'd like to eat tonight, this dinner or that dinner.And which ever dinner you don't eat just have for dinner the next day.
Myself , I would not have a problem with it.I would just look at the money I'm saving not having to cook and less food having to buy.Plus, it makes mom happy.

 
Old 11-16-2008, 11:47 AM   #8
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Re: help me what can i do my mother in - law keep making his dinner knowing i made di

Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBoateng View Post
I find it interesting that everyone else suggests not talking directly to the mother-in-law but instead to the husband. That just doesn't make sense to me; ...
But Johnny, it seems that she has already talked to her mother-in-law, but to no avail. Talking again might sound like insistence. The old lady may wonder if she is telling her what to do. You need tact to deal with old people, especially if they are in-laws. Anyway, different opinions are welcome, and the world would be dull if everyone thought the same. Let our friend make her choice based on the different approaches she heard from us all.

 
Old 11-16-2008, 06:17 PM   #9
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Re: help me what can i do my mother in - law keep making his dinner knowing i made di

oh my gosh guys. She needs to have an open discussion with the mother-in-law directly -- the son is milk toast with the Mom don't you get it?

I was married and had a great (so I thought) relationship with MIL -- one day I was talking with Sister In Law about something and she took it way out of proportion and called Mommy -- Mommy got upset and called husband at work (I didn't realize she was talking with him at his job) didn't call my home and we were coming up to 3 months of marriage.

Husband called me and said don't try to be friends with his siblings because it gets all taken out of proportion because sister thinks I'm trying to move in on their family relationships. I said, I've had it and was going to call Sister. Husband said "no call my mother, I'm sure she's added some to it" I said "if I call Mom, its going to either be good or bad" His reply (thankfully) was I married you, I didn't marry my mother. _- this from the oldes to an italian family!!!

Well I called MIL said, 'its my dime but your time' let it rip. Tell me everything that's bothering you but may I say first off -- I can end this conversation with you being the best of friends or the worst of enemies and I don't think you will want me for an enemy. She then told me all the 'little' things and I answered her without yelling to each point.

I ended up having the best mother-in-law in the entire world. I can't even kiss her feet with all that she did and has gone through in her life. I now am a widow -- having lost her son -- and she even just recently said to me that she knows that even though I may say some things that she doesn't necessarily agree with she knows -- without a doubt -- I would never hurt her purposely OR let anyone else hurt her. And that is the truth. This woman is a wonderful friend but most of all she's my MOM in every sense of the world. I never use the term in-law when relating stories about Mommy and me. I couldn't walk in her shoes and wouldn't even try!

 
Old 11-16-2008, 06:47 PM   #10
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Re: help me what can i do my mother in - law keep making his dinner knowing i made di

I think you should tell your husband to go ahead and eat at his moms, and since thats what he enjoys doing he can do it every night, leaving you free of that job. However, if mom can't cook then he should expect to fend for himself for that meal. I don't know if this would work for everyone, but it is what I would do.

I would not talk to the MIL again. You have already asked her to let you know when she is going to cook and she ignored that request. I think your husband has a responsibility to decline eating saying his wife will be angry if her own dinner goes to waste.

Mileena

 
Old 11-17-2008, 05:06 AM   #11
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Re: help me what can i do my mother in - law keep making his dinner knowing i made di

I have one question that I seemed to miss:

1) Is the mother-in-law cooking for one? (this son?) what about the daughter-in-law. I think the question he should ask is 'what about my wife, Mom, doesn't she eat?" Is he an only child?

2) Is the d-i-l so stuck that for some reason she won't or can't eat at mother-in-law's with husband?

Maybe the m-i-l is all alone and the son eats with her out of guilt that she doesn't eat alone. Why dont' they start eating together?

Also has d-i-l cooked and invited the m-i-l over? Maybe if they break down whatever is holding them from having their own personal relationship, then this could work in both favors, the m-i-l could cook for the couple and they could all enjoy each other company and no one eats alone.

 
Old 11-17-2008, 05:27 AM   #12
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Re: help me what can i do my mother in - law keep making his dinner knowing i made di

Man, I'd have some fun with this and make things work for our household.

Call the MIL in the mornings -- OFTEN. I'm talking a few times a week, at least. Find out what she's thinking of preparing. Let her know what the two of you ate the night before, what you both feel like eating tonight, tomorrow, how you could incorporate her leftovers, plus what you make, into a nice lunch for the two of you the next day.

Call her from the store as you're perusing the aisles. Ask her if she has this ingredient or that ingredient. Leave extremely detailed messages (as she will stop answering your calls, I'm sure) about any of her son's new tastes and preferences.

Anytime you get meal prep on the brain, call the MIL. Pick her brain. Share your ideas. Don't let up.

One of several things will happen:

1) Your husband will step up, speak to his mother (after all the grief she will be giving him) and tell her to just stop with fixing so many meals.

2) Your MIL will realize she may have bitten off much more than she's willing to eat (no pun intended!) and back off.

3) Your meal planning, purchasing and prep will blossom as your MIL will be handling a good portion of what you would otherwise be responsible for. You will find yourself faced with having to come up with a side or two, or maybe the main dish on the nights/days that MIL produces a dish for you. Rejoice in it and go on vacation with the extra savings.


FWIW, it's not at all uncommon in some families to cook extra for others in the family. I can speak to personal experience on this one -- I come from a family that does this, and I married into a family that does this. It would almost be considered rude for us to make a big Sunday dinner or enjoy a day of baking and not have little platters for family members the next day for easy reheating. It would never even occur to me that I might be stepping on toes.

But I spent the day yesterday baking zucchini breads for easy breakfasts, and I was intending on sending a few down to hubby's sister for her family and one for my brother and his wife. Maybe I need to check with them and make sure I'm not offending them?

Nah. We're Italian and Irish -- food is an important thing for us. I love the stuff my in-laws send my way and I wouldn't want to rock the boat.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 
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