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how guilty do cheaters really feel?


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Old 11-16-2008, 09:55 PM   #1
littlegoddess
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Question how guilty do cheaters really feel?

i know a man (relative) who has been cheating on his wife for over a year with the same person (it is the first time he has cheated). he tells me he feels guilty afterward, but i asked him how guilty is he really if he keeps going back, and its always at his engineering?!?! we have had a few debates about this, but surely to me, if you love someone and feel guilty for cheating, you stop after the first time??!! btw he is in his early 50s not a young guy!

Last edited by littlegoddess; 11-16-2008 at 10:29 PM. Reason: add info

 
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Old 11-16-2008, 10:49 PM   #2
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Re: how guilty do cheaters really feel?

I have had two wives who cheated on me and both of them told me that they did feel guilty about it . To be honest I can only venture a guess into what is going thru their heads. I think they felt guilt about crossing the line, but felt once they crossed it there was no going back. So hey we might as well keep doing it. My ex's always felt guilt... but no remorse.
I also thought that most of the guilt they felt was from getting caught.

 
Old 11-16-2008, 10:57 PM   #3
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Re: how guilty do cheaters really feel?

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Originally Posted by TTBABM View Post
My ex's always felt guilt... but no remorse.
I am sorry you went through this.

That is a really interesting point you make - guilt vs remorse. Maybe that is where he is at - its an objective guilt that he knows he shouldnt be doing what he is doing, but its not a really heartfelt guilt that is followed by changed behaviour.

Thanks for your reply

 
Old 11-17-2008, 02:07 AM   #4
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Re: how guilty do cheaters really feel?

Whatever you call it, guilt or remorse, this man and others like him only feel it on the surface. Actions are the only things that count here, and his show clearly that he is not sorry enough or guilty enough to change. Sera

 
Old 11-17-2008, 08:50 AM   #5
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Re: how guilty do cheaters really feel?

i think guilt is only relative to the high you get from cheating. it doesn't matter how much guilt you feel if the high is more intense.

 
Old 11-17-2008, 05:01 PM   #6
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Re: how guilty do cheaters really feel?

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Originally Posted by plaxmax34 View Post
Or, if it was pre-meditated, I think she did it because she was no longer in love with me but she didn't know how to end things. I also think she had started to fall in love with the guy that she cheated on me with.
I wonder if there is a difference between impulsive one off cheatign and pre-meditated ongoing cheating with the same person (as in this case). To me pre-meditated, engineered and ongoing is way worse.

 
Old 11-17-2008, 05:08 PM   #7
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Re: how guilty do cheaters really feel?

This is interesting. Of course, I only know the little bit you've told us but the first thing that shot through my brain was "mid life". If it's not his nature to do this and you believe that he otherwise loves his wife, I can't help but wonder if some of his action is rooted in a mid-life crisis of sorts. The early 50's is an age when you start to realize that your life is coming to an end whether you like it or not. If you are going to do something, try something, it's now or never. I can really see where "cheating" would fall into that category.

Of course, that may be very simplistic. But it just wouldn't surprise me if some of his action is driven by the fact that the clock is ticking and he wants to know he didn't miss out on something.

 
Old 11-17-2008, 08:35 PM   #8
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Re: how guilty do cheaters really feel?

I agree. I've been cheated on. the only time people feel gulity is when they get caught.
So this guy knows you know. He hasn't stopped. He wont until his stopped.

My question to you is. please dont take offence when i ask this but: Do you feel bad for his wife, knowing what you know?

 
Old 11-18-2008, 10:17 AM   #9
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Re: how guilty do cheaters really feel?

I think a man or a woman has guilt with meaning and shame if it just happen once.
but if that person keeps going back then to me theres no love with the spouse other wise why would he keep going back?
best thing to to do is own up to it and be a man/or woman and get a divorce, that may not take away any guilt but it will settle things in a rather mild manner.

Theres no excuses for infidelity what so ever and anyone that does or think about doing it if that person is married then he/she should confront the other and tell them this is how they really feel with another person.

Last edited by chevyman; 11-18-2008 at 10:22 AM.

 
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