i know a man (relative) who has been cheating on his wife for over a year with the same person (it is the first time he has cheated). he tells me he feels guilty afterward, but i asked him how guilty is he really if he keeps going back, and its always at his engineering?!?! we have had a few debates about this, but surely to me, if you love someone and feel guilty for cheating, you stop after the first time??!! btw he is in his early 50s not a young guy!
Last edited by littlegoddess; 11-16-2008 at 09:29 PM.
Reason: add info
I have had two wives who cheated on me and both of them told me that they did feel guilty about it . To be honest I can only venture a guess into what is going thru their heads. I think they felt guilt about crossing the line, but felt once they crossed it there was no going back. So hey we might as well keep doing it. My ex's always felt guilt... but no remorse.
I also thought that most of the guilt they felt was from getting caught.
That is a really interesting point you make - guilt vs remorse. Maybe that is where he is at - its an objective guilt that he knows he shouldnt be doing what he is doing, but its not a really heartfelt guilt that is followed by changed behaviour.
Whatever you call it, guilt or remorse, this man and others like him only feel it on the surface. Actions are the only things that count here, and his show clearly that he is not sorry enough or guilty enough to change. Sera
i think guilt is only relative to the high you get from cheating. it doesn't matter how much guilt you feel if the high is more intense.
I'm not sure that all cheaters do it for the high. For example, I was cheated on by my ex-girlfriend back in September and I caught her in the act. I've analyzed the situation over and over in my head, and I really don't believe she did it for any kind of high. It was possible that it was just an impulsive, spontaneous thing that happened (which is what she told me), and she didn't stop herself. Or, if it was pre-meditated, I think she did it because she was no longer in love with me but she didn't know how to end things. I also think she had started to fall in love with the guy that she cheated on me with.
As far as the guilt thing goes, I've often wondered how guilty she felt. She knew she made a big mistake, because she tried to cover it up right away and she was really upset when I broke up with her. I have hoped that she felt remorseful afterward, because I really want her to change. I don't want her to keep doing to other guys what she did to me, because if she does, I know she is going to push away every good guy that ever comes into her life, and she's going to be stuck with someone who won't treat her as good as she deserves (I know it's funny to hear me say this, but after I got over her, I realized that I loved her for a reason, and deep down she is a good person at heart, and I only want her to be happy in the future. That's all I ever wanted for her).
That's the other thing with my ex: she had a few problems, but one of her biggest problems was that deep down, I think she sometimes thought there was something really wrong with her. I know that I wasn't the first guy she ever cheated on. In fact, she cheated on another boyfriend to be with me when we first met. I think part of the reason that she cheated was because she wasn't strong and secure enough to break up with me in an honest way. I also think that she's resigned herself to the idea that she's a screwup, and she's going to just ruin every good thing she ever has going in her life. She said as much when we were breaking up, and I tried to convince her that she's not, saying I couldn't believe she really believed that about herself. She really needs some therapy, but I obviously have no influence over her anymore, because we don't even speak anymore.
I think there's one important thing to realize about people who cheat, especially if you're the one who has been cheated on: there is something wrong with them, not with you. They're the ones who made a mistake, and they're the ones who need help. It's a very disappointing realization to make, but it happens. People just let you down sometimes.
Or, if it was pre-meditated, I think she did it because she was no longer in love with me but she didn't know how to end things. I also think she had started to fall in love with the guy that she cheated on me with.
I wonder if there is a difference between impulsive one off cheatign and pre-meditated ongoing cheating with the same person (as in this case). To me pre-meditated, engineered and ongoing is way worse.
This is interesting. Of course, I only know the little bit you've told us but the first thing that shot through my brain was "mid life". If it's not his nature to do this and you believe that he otherwise loves his wife, I can't help but wonder if some of his action is rooted in a mid-life crisis of sorts. The early 50's is an age when you start to realize that your life is coming to an end whether you like it or not. If you are going to do something, try something, it's now or never. I can really see where "cheating" would fall into that category.
Of course, that may be very simplistic. But it just wouldn't surprise me if some of his action is driven by the fact that the clock is ticking and he wants to know he didn't miss out on something.
I think a man or a woman has guilt with meaning and shame if it just happen once.
but if that person keeps going back then to me theres no love with the spouse other wise why would he keep going back?
best thing to to do is own up to it and be a man/or woman and get a divorce, that may not take away any guilt but it will settle things in a rather mild manner.
Theres no excuses for infidelity what so ever and anyone that does or think about doing it if that person is married then he/she should confront the other and tell them this is how they really feel with another person.