Ive posted about similiar things here but i need some straight talking advice please.
As i already said, i have been married for 18 years and things havent been great in the last year as i have some trust issues with finding somemails on my husbands e mail site. its been a while but we never got over being able to talk to each other about the mistrust i feel towards him, and he wont sit me down and make me feel more secure about us, just some reassurance is all i wanted,
Well i have go to a point where im too tired to fight for my marriage anymore. I love my husband very much and i would have fought like mad to save it, but how much can one do?
He is so miserable, he hardly talks to me. If i ask him what time hes coming home or where he is working that day, hes like "this is driving me nuts" and that i am checking up on him. I cant even ask him a simple question anymore. I dont think he is doing anything with anyone else but i think because my trust for him is nil and he wont reassure me its like a catch situation with us.
He never cuddles me or kisses me unless its in a sexual way, never says nice things to me, he expects me to do everything in our house. Right now i just got home from doing a 5 hour shift at work and he is still in bed !!!!!
Its like he is depressed and all he does is takes everything out on me, im a punchbag for him, and i cant take anymore.
Should i go to a councellor and discuss where to go from here? ive tried to talk to him, he wont talk, or shall i just up and leave and write him a letter, and maybe when ive gone he will realise what he is gonna lose? HELP i really dont know what to do anymore
sorry you're going thru this, worry......I'd try a counsellor first, it can help you sort out and validate your feelings......even if he doesn't want to go with.....do it for you, for your own mental health.
I expect you don't have any children at home, do you?
Anyway, you are in need of a quick response, aren't you? It may not be the best, but...
I would leave him gradually, not immediately, if you see what I mean. First, because I presume you still don't have a place to go, have you?
Can you go away for a few days? Alone? A friend's house? This is probably something you have never done, and even if he may take advantage of your absence, he will certainly find it strange and in the long run he will regret your departure. Ideally, he should realize your worth in a more natural way, but you know, some people (mostly men) need to be shaken before they can see the evil they are doing, what they are losing.
Keep going away regularly and if you have to neglect your duties, have the face to do so. If anything, say you need a break.
In other words, prepare in advance your way and environment outside this house. Don't go out in despair. Just when everything is ok for you to leave, you tell him. If in the meantime he changes genuinely for the better, then you might consider giving him another chance. Otherwise...
Your first appointment should be with a lawyer for legal advise on how to go about things in your country. Learn what your legal rights are...whether you stay or leave you should know what is in your best interest. If you own your own home don't just up and leave it to him. You can then go to a counselor on your own for yourself as he has made it clear that he doesn't want to be together. This is all so scary after so many years together but go slow....and learn your legal rights so you aren't just out in the cold without a thing. good luck.
i really love my Husband, id do anything to make him happy. But absolutely nothing i do makes him happy and everything i do he criticises. I feel crappy.
I dont want to leave him, but im already on antidepressants and i dont wanna get any worse, so i dont see what i can do.
I think i will go to a councelor on my own, just to clarify what i need to do for the best. I have a young child at home, and i dont want to have her devestated, which i know she will be. She is 12.
What really P***** me off is he is so nice to ppl who come around our house, his Clients, his friends ,my friends, then when were alone he reverts back to miserable and nasty again. So everyone thinks hes Mr Wonderful and that i exaggerate if i mention to anyone what hes like.
All i want is for him to love me like i love him, treat me with respect and like his Wife. Not much to ask is it? but he just WONT DO IT
Girl ... Look up *self esteem* and learning to love and have confidence in yourself and your individual decisions.
Also see a counsellor or even your local priest or Pastor to speak with and gain some support for yourself.
Stop making the man your priority and start learning to better establish things and ways to find happiness for both you and your daughter.
Look into that divorce lawyer cus' even if you've lived common law for years and years you are still entitled to rights and things and educating yourself can be nothing but a benefit.
Also start tucking away a 'safety fund' should you want to leave having little bits here and there add up. Document your husbands pay stubs in a 'safe place' as well to help with child support and documentation of income.
This all said I don't know if I could ever chase a horse I know I couldn't ride type thing ... You can't make him love you however the best thing you could do is to learn to love yourself first ...start there then see how you feel.
The silent treatment was because i said a friend of ours was good looking and i could understand how my own sis in law flirted with him in front of my brother. i know its confusing but he said it was totally hypocritical of me as i wouldnt want women to flirt with him in front of me, so how could i say such a thing. I think its jealousy too, although he wont admit it.
So past 3 days have been because of that !!! prob is he never talks to me about stuff hes mad about, then i get mad and it blows into a big fight. Im so tired, how many more yesrs to i have to put up with him like this, its so childish, and we are way past childish games. I think this is a form of abuse. He wont beat me, but he beats me mentally.
He has now told our closest friends he doesnt want them to come to our house on new year, because my brother and his wife (who flirted with our friends hubby last year) will be there. He says he doesnt want any confrontation and it was all my fault a si should have asked him before i invited my friends. I honestly didnt think as everything was fine by new yrs day last year and have been ever since.
I had dinner with my girlfriend last night and after a few wines, she said our foursome will never be the same again, and that she had discussed with her hubby about my hubbys pulling of their new yr invite and they wouldnt come to our house again if invited.
Im so upset as this had nothing to do with me, this was my Husbands decision to un invite them, and me and my friend have been close for years and its all spoilt now. She is mad at hubby for beinbg an A**, she is mad at me for not standing up and saying he couldnt un invite. ( actually i didnt know he had until after he spoke with her hubby).
I feel really low, Hubby is being mean and horrible to me, and wont come near me, now my best friend is cold with me because she said she didnt want to get caught up in our mind games we play within our marriage. i DONT want to play mind games, i try never to, but hubby seems to thrive on controversy in our marriage and our life.
The point is i dont want to split with him. I just want to find a way to work it out. I want some advice on what I should do, i dont think he will change, so i need to know how to cope better with it than i am doing. But the last thing i want to do is split as my child would be devestated.
worrybucket I'm so sorry for you you having all this mess brought down on you, this maybe a test from the man up stairs you know just turn the other cheek.
but I understand just what you mean your in a catch 22 and the love you have for your hubby has got to be a burden on you other than the way love is suppose to feel, if that make any sense, its hard for anyone to tell you what you should do , when you still love your hubby and just want to be treated the way you want to be treated and have some respect for you.
Maybe you should just sit him up down and say in a rough but meaningful voice..your going to listen to me this time Mr I mean bussiness..and just let him know how you feel with him...thats about the only thing you can do..then if he knowes your true feeling of how things are in your marrige..and maybe just maybe he willl change, maybe he wont but at least you can say you have tried everything under the sun to save your marrige. theres no reason you should just keep on going on like you been and still be misierable.
I'd would ask a good dear friend to come over and just spill yuor guts to them or a dear realtive someone you can trust.
it just helps to talk to someone about these unfortanate issiues.
if you were living in my town you sure would be welcome to lean on my shoulder.
I wish you the best.
Going to a counlser is a great Idea for you..he probably won't go, if you have a close friend that you can confide in ,that may help you keep your sanity,it may not.
if he won't never change then your going to have to try to stop worrying about him and just move on, even if you stay in the marrige, just move on raise your daughter the best way you can ,get out of the house more find you a hobby you love...start enjoying your life the way you want to enjoy it.
Again I wish you the best.
"and he wont sit me down and make me feel more secure about us, just some reassurance is all i wanted""
This stood out to me the first minute I read your post. What about YOU sitting HIM down? I agree with the last poster about sitting HIM down and telling him what YOU need. Also if you need to go to a counselor before hand to get some help, thats a good start as well.
Your 12 yr old daughter is at stake! I have a super sensitive 12 yr old son, and I would die for him. Think about her, and try to figure out something that works for her, firsthand. Its always so difficult when your kids are involved. They dont deserve ANY of it, its so sad.
I have tried and tried to talk to him. He will not listen. Then it just turns into a full scale fight. My shortness of breath panic attacks are creeping back in and im pretty sure its just the stress of all this.
He has come out a little bit from this mood, but i dont know what or when the next one will be. Its like living with a badly hormonal person !! but only i can decide of i want this life, its just very hard when you have been with someone this long and you love them a lot.
And no you didnt offend me at all, im grateful for any advice.