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Old 12-02-2008, 07:49 AM   #1
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Trying to figure out his personality

I met this guy last year through a group of friends who all belong to the same activity group and was instantly attracted to him. We never really started hanging out too much til recently.

His personality has always been a little over the top by way of sarcasm. I do happen to like that kind of humor if done in good taste but from the beginning, he seems to have targeted me primarily where his friends have even wondered why. I can take a lot and have not given him the satisfaction that any of it has bothered me (though I will give it right back to him or just ignore it and continue to be nice).

He continues to say that he is an "a-ho--" yet I've seen some things that he has written and it is not the case at all, in fact, far from it. My take on this whole thing is that he has some serious walls and uses this as an excuse to see how easy someone will write him off - which I won't.

We have hung out a few times, the last time all day (his choice), and he has even used an excuse to call me, at which time he was extremely nice and polite. My friends seem to think he is interested based on his actions but his push/pull personality confuses the heck out of me. I don't push, I just sit back, don't judge him, and have even told him I think he has a good heart (careful not to overdo it).

I think he is worth getting to know if he would just shed is outer layers.

Any suggestions on how to communicate with someone with this type of personality? I think he means the opposite of everything he says ("I would rather be alone", "I'm a jerk", I'm this, I'm that) - how do I get him to realize he doesn't have to put on such a front - at least with me?

And does a guy spend all day with you and meet you out at night (and take the time to dress up and look nice) if he's not interested?

 
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Old 12-02-2008, 08:00 AM   #2
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Re: Trying to figure out his personality

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Originally Posted by angelblue65 View Post
Any suggestions on how to communicate with someone with this type of personality? I think he means the opposite of everything he says ("I would rather be alone", "I'm a jerk", I'm this, I'm that) - how do I get him to realize he doesn't have to put on such a front - at least with me?
it took me a long time to learn this, but when a guy says something like that.....Im a jerk, I'm this, I'm that......you should listen to him, he's telling the truth......
stop wasting your time trying to get to the inner layers.......

 
Old 12-02-2008, 08:12 AM   #3
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Re: Trying to figure out his personality

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
it took me a long time to learn this, but when a guy says something like that.....Im a jerk, I'm this, I'm that......you should listen to him, he's telling the truth......
stop wasting your time trying to get to the inner layers.......
Maybe Rose is right... To me, he appears to be on the narcissistic side, if you see what I mean. He wants you to admire him, despite all the "bad" things he is saying about himself. He wants you to praise him, to deny the things he says about himself. This is a tricky game. I think I'd look for someone more positive about himself.

 
Old 12-02-2008, 08:15 AM   #4
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Re: Trying to figure out his personality

I'm not sure I'm familiar with the narcissistic type personality...could you elaborate?...but I am very glad to hear this perspective from both of you (thank you!)...I'm always of the belief to try to see the very best in everyone you meet 'til you have proof to believe otherwise but I guess there is a fine line between that and having respect for yourself.

 
Old 12-02-2008, 12:43 PM   #5
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Re: Trying to figure out his personality

If he taunts you a lot its probably because he likes you ... although, its like that most of the time

Probably he has a personality disorder, otherwise he wouldn't be saying such things about himself or he is desperate for attention. He probably has a low self esteem otherwise he won't say such things.

It might be a stupid saying but most clowns are depressed...

 
Old 12-02-2008, 12:58 PM   #6
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Re: Trying to figure out his personality

Initially, I assumed that he just didn't develop the social skills that most of us did because of his childhood. In grade school, doesn't the boy always tease the girl he has a crush on? At the time, the girl is confused and thinks the boy does not like her. We seem to be carrying on this child-like interraction and although I'm an adult, it can still be confusing.

When he's not busy trying to put up a front, he has some pretty admirable traits so I'm trying to figure out if a person who has a narccisistic personality disorder can have the ability to be a good person (like he seems to be capable of). I do not want to get caught up in a relationship that opens a door for co-dependency which is why I'm trying to figure this out now. I've been down that road before, it really messed with me, and don't want to go there again.

Relationships...if only they were a bit easier!

 
Old 12-02-2008, 03:49 PM   #7
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Re: Trying to figure out his personality

I just can't get over how darn lucky men are. If a woman behaved like this guy, any man in his right mind would be long gone after the first five minutes. But men can have all kinds of personality disorders, bad, self defeating behaviors and can still find someone who wants to desperately love them. This guy is sarcastic (translate, boorish, uncouth, and even borderline verbally abusive, whcih I'm guessing is why you said you can "take it.) this guy is doing everything in his power to get you to run from him and that makes you want to cling even more tightly to him.

My question to you is, you're not in grade school anymore. Why do you want to invest time and energy, which as you get older you will come to understand, that both are very precious commodities, trying to figure out a guy goes out of his way to build up walls, instead of investing that same time and energy into finding a man who has already done all the work, who had already figured himself out and is emotionally available and free to let you into his life with a full and welcoming heart, who doesn't make you jump through hoops, who doesn't verbally smack you around, who doesn't treat you in a manner that you have to be tough enough to "take?" Don't you think you deserve a love that lifts and elevates you? When love is real, your self esteem and strength are lifted because of it, you shouldn't have to struggle to hang onto your self esteem in SPITE of love.

I agree with Rose. Seems to me this guy has given you no real reason not to believe him when he says he's a jerk. I've been in the dating pool for decades and when a man tells me he's a jerk, he's not a nice guy, he's not relationship material, experience has taught me the best thing I can do for myself, is to say "ok then, you know you much better than I do. I won't bother with you any further."

I don't mean to seem condescending or preachy, but I really think you'd be much better served in fixing whatever there is in YOU that makes you WANT to try so hard to love a man who doesn't want you to, when there are dozens of men out there who would gladly have you love them.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 12-02-2008 at 03:50 PM.

 
Old 12-03-2008, 03:23 AM   #8
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Re: Trying to figure out his personality

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Originally Posted by angelblue65 View Post
...
Relationships...if only they were a bit easier!
Well, I am having second thoughts about this guy. I think I will agree with Paul22... Probably he is not really a jerk, not even narcissistic, but his problem is low self-esteem. Actually, you could never know what the real issue is with him, until you get to know him better. I think you have very genuine questions about relationships in general and about him in particular. Maybe only experience can give you the answers. If you have an intuition that there are good things about this guy, that the truth is he has difficulty accepting himself and allowing his good qualities to come to the surface, and that he just needs a little help to become a whole person, then I think it would pay to stay around him for a while, to try to make him trust you as a friend... Maybe he can open up with you, but what will follow is really unpredictable. It is like a shot in the dark. Anyway, follow your intuition, don't forget to protect yourself, but invest some time in getting to know him better as a friend. No risk, no profit.

 
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