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Old 12-03-2008, 08:05 AM   #1
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How can I stop from getting so angry and upset at him??

Well my boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months now and overall we're pretty happy together. About a month or 2 ago he moved into his own apartment with one of his guy friends who he works with. About a month ago, I guess they met some girls who live upstairs from them in the same apartment building, and they were going up to their place and drinking with them a little bit. These girls are younger (like 19-20 years old), but when I had to find out that my bf was hanging out with these girls (which was not from him) I got angry because he failed to tell to tell me that he met new neighbors who were girls.


So I confronted him about this about a month ago, asking why he could not tell me that he was hanging out with girls, because to me, his lack of honesty makes it look like he has something to hide. He apologized, and was very upset when i said that this relationship cannot last if I have no trust in him. He asked me how he could gain my trust back, and I told him to be completely honest with me whenever he would hang out and drink with those girls. I didn't expect him to call me up before he did and be like "hey I'm gonna go drinking ok?", but I don't want him to hide it either. He told me that he did not want to tell me about it because he did not want to upset me for no reason.


Since then, I've met these girls, and although I'm too fond of them, they don't seem too bad, and my boyfriend and his friend act very casual around them as well, and they do back. He introduced me to all of them as his girlfriend and whatnot. But last week, the one night I was not with him to go out with my one girlfriend, he and his roomate went upstairs to drink with them, and although he did not tell me straight out, I found out (I asked him a week later how often he dran kwioth them, and he said once a week, and I aksed when the last time was, and he told me that one night I wasn't there). I asked him why he failed to tell me that he hung out with them that night, and that I had to bring it up for him to tell me, and when I texted him about what he was doing that night he said "laying in bed watching tv", which he may have at that time since it was late at night, but he still DID NOT tell me that he huing out with those girls and drank with them, after I told him a month ago that I would rather him tell me when he did than if he didn't.



I then proceeded to ask him as to why he sees it fit to lie to me. And he got really upset and finally opened up saying "I do it because it's the easy way out". He also went on to tell me that this behavior has gotten him into trouble in past relationships, and that he has no idea why he would do it to me when he has intentions on perhaps spending the rest of his life with me. He said that he is selfish in doing this, and that he knows that a relationship is not all about him but both of us, and he admitted that it is not fair to lie to me, regardless of whether or not what he tells me will upset me, and he promised to be upfront with me no matter what.



The main problem I'm having with this is that when I talked to him last night, he told me that him, his one friend who came to visit, his roommate, and 2 of the girls they work with (whom I know very well) drank at their place, then went out to the bar and got re drunk (this probably makes him sound like he drinks alot, but he rarely does). So, he WAS up front with me this time, but I still got upset! I didn't yell at him or anything on the phone, I just got quiet., and I don't know if he even noticed I was upset, which I didn't want him to. And it makes me think that he was right, in that by not telling me when he goes out and does other things, i won't get upset. I don't know what to think at this point. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Last edited by cmill32; 12-03-2008 at 08:08 AM.

 
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Old 12-03-2008, 08:14 AM   #2
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Re: How can I stop from getting so angry and upset at him??

Most of my boyfriends, if not all, have lied to me at one point or another. Sometimes people just get nervous when they're put on the spot and a lie slips out. Other people plan them out. My boyfriend has lied to me and it pisses me off too, as it should. It's not cool, but I personally believe that majority of people do it. If he's cheating on you though, that's a different story. There are men out there that won't cheat. I can't promise you'll ever meet someone that never tells a lie though.

 
Old 12-03-2008, 08:17 AM   #3
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Re: How can I stop from getting so angry and upset at him??

nothings going to change, he's going to continue to go upstairs and drink with them......if that's ok with you, stay with him........
if it's not ok with you, it's time to move on....

 
Old 12-03-2008, 08:36 AM   #4
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Re: How can I stop from getting so angry and upset at him??

How old are both of you? I just ask this because it seems certain age groups (younger) see certain situations as acceptable, where other, older age groups, don't. And I am 25 and my boyfriend and is 28, so I'm probably not much older than you at all. However, I don't find the situation your boyfriend is in acceptable, but everyone has different points of view. If my boyfriend was hanging out drinking with other girls on a regular basis, I would have an issue with it. I just see him as too old to be doing stuff like that, that's more college like behavior.

Anyway, men do lie when they want to avoid arguments. He knows you don't like it when he hangs out with these girls, so he lies about it. But, here's the problem. You don't like it. You probably never will. And I'm guessing the reason you don't like it is because you're insecure about the situation. It sounds like you are afraid something has or something will eventually happen with your boyfriend and one of these girls. So, there are two points. Either he should stop doing it because he knows you don't like it, which some would say is not fair and childish. Or, you have to come to terms with it and deal with it. It doesn't sound like you are ever going to get over it and be comfortable with it. And it doesn't sound like he's ever going to stop doing it. So, those are your two choices as I see it. Either you learn to put your bad feelings aside and suck it up, or you re-evaluate the relationship entirely. Because trust me, you will continue to have issues with it and fight over it regardless or whether or not he continues to lie or starts to tell you the truth.

 
Old 12-03-2008, 08:39 AM   #5
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Re: How can I stop from getting so angry and upset at him??

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
nothings going to change, he's going to continue to go upstairs and drink with them......if that's ok with you, stay with him........
if it's not ok with you, it's time to move on....


well, what would you do in this situation?

Also, he told me he would stop hanging out with them since he knew it made me so upset, but I told him no, and that I was not gonna be that ***** girlfriend who forbids him to hang out with other girls, when many of my friends are guys.

Last edited by cmill32; 12-03-2008 at 08:43 AM.

 
Old 12-03-2008, 08:54 AM   #6
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Re: How can I stop from getting so angry and upset at him??

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Originally Posted by cmill32 View Post
well, what would you do in this situation?

Also, he told me he would stop hanging out with them since he knew it made me so upset, but I told him no, and that I was not gonna be that ***** girlfriend who forbids him to hang out with other girls, when many of my friends are guys.

well I'd either come around more and join him when he hang out with them, but then again, that's just babysitting him.......or i'd move on......
I'm old enough to know that my beating my head against the wall days are over.....it's just not worth the aggrivation!

why is he spending time with them and not you?

 
Old 12-03-2008, 11:07 AM   #7
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Re: How can I stop from getting so angry and upset at him??

When I'm up at school during the week, he's at home and he works all day. Then one night a week, he will hang out with them. They are always the ones inviting him and his roomate though. And when I'm home for the weekends and breaks, he and I are always together. I'm coming home from school for good in one week so maybe things will get better regarding this situation.

 
Old 12-03-2008, 11:10 AM   #8
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Re: How can I stop from getting so angry and upset at him??

make yourself VISIBLE while you're there.....make sure they see you, make sure they know you're his girlfriend. Get to know them a little.....

 
Old 12-03-2008, 11:32 AM   #9
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Re: How can I stop from getting so angry and upset at him??

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make yourself VISIBLE while you're there.....make sure they see you, make sure they know you're his girlfriend. Get to know them a little.....

I thought about suggesting that too, Rose, but then I realized, unfortunately, many girls don't care if a guy is taken. Especially girls at that age. And sometimes, it makes them want the guy even more because they know he is taken and it's all a big game and ego boost if they can get him.

It's possible that it's all strictly platonic, but it just seems a little weird to me for him to be hanging out with these girls drinking so often...

 
Old 12-03-2008, 11:38 AM   #10
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Re: How can I stop from getting so angry and upset at him??

thats true Mary, you're absolutely right about that, but I thought if she did that she could see firsthand how they interact, if there are any little glances, inuendo's, etc....she can just pick up the vibes that are in the air.....LOL
But yes....some girls don't care

 
Old 12-03-2008, 12:03 PM   #11
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Re: How can I stop from getting so angry and upset at him??

It's cool to have friends of the opposite sex. You yourself have male friends, right? But the real problem is his lying and his ommitting the truth (just as bad in my book). You are right in that it makes him look like he has something to hide.

How does he feel about your male friends? Do you let him know every time you hang out with them? I'm just curious because most guys (not all, but most) do have some sort of issue with their girlfriend drinking with another male when he isn't there. You see what mean?

I don't see how he is going to change. He is who he is, you know? But since you are coming home maybe you will feel better about it. Maybe the fact that you don't get to see him as often as you like is fueling your insecurity a bit. I would make an appearance at their next "meeting" and get to know the girls a bit. No need to mark your territory or anything. But just get to know them and maybe you will find them "acceptable" and he will be more forthcoming with the truth.

However, he's had a couple/few strikes with his untruths. I would make it clear to him that this is his last chance, and mean it. Don't become a doormat or he will continue to wipe his feet on you.

 
Old 12-03-2008, 12:06 PM   #12
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Re: How can I stop from getting so angry and upset at him??

I'm confused.

Why is it up to you to not be angry and upset for your BF lying to you about regularly drinking and hanging out with his younger women neighbors?

If this bothers you -- and it would bother me -- why not talk to him about that and see if he respects your feelings and finds other things to do when you're not around?

I don't know. As I said, I'm confused. Are you two in love? Exclusive? If so, lying about hanging out and drinking with young chicks on a regular basis is not cool. You need to be asking yourself much deeper questions than, "How can I stop from being angry and upset at him?"

 
Old 12-03-2008, 02:14 PM   #13
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Re: How can I stop from getting so angry and upset at him??

Yes we are exclusive and we love eachother...and like I said, he offered to not hang out with them anymore, and he wasn't being a smartass about it, in fact, he was quite serious. He said him spending time with them was not worth losing me, and yes girls don't care, but again, do I be "that" girlfriend who will forbid him to hang with other girls? Also, the 2 of them seem like.. excuse my language, "little skanks" who could be the way you guys explained, as many girls are. I don't know if brekaing up with him is worth of these dumb girls, but at the same time he HANGS OUT with these dumb girls. And i don't feel that he's cheated on me at all, but to me, there's certainly a higher chance that he will if he's drinking with these girls...and its them who I do not trust, not him...even though I am having some trust issues with him right now.

Last edited by cmill32; 12-03-2008 at 02:16 PM.

 
Old 12-03-2008, 02:21 PM   #14
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Re: How can I stop from getting so angry and upset at him??

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...and its them who I do not trust, not him...even though I am having some trust issues with him right now.

no it's HIM that you don't trust.......if you trusted him, it wouldn't matter who was around him.......
you don't trust him, and I don't blame you, I wouldn't trust him either.

 
Old 12-03-2008, 02:32 PM   #15
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Re: How can I stop from getting so angry and upset at him??

I would also not trust him. He lies too much. Pretty soon, something is going to happen with those girls and then you're really going to get hurt. I don't think it's being "that kind of girlfriend" to tell him he shouldn't be hanging out drinking with a bunch of girls when you're not there. It would be different if he has been friends with them for a long time and knew them forever and he was clear on his intentions toward them. But if he just met them recently and there's even an inkling of something underhanded going on, then you need to tell him it's NOT ok for him to be doing this behind your back, much less lying about it, which you should tell him makes him look ten times more guilty than if he came out and told the truth the first time.

 
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