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Old 12-04-2008, 09:14 AM   #1
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I have a hard time trusting men

Since I broke up with my last boyfriend a few years ago, I've had a hard time trusting men. I can't pin it down to a particular bad experience I went through, but a male friend of mine had a terrible girlfriend who harassed him and made his life h*ll when he tried to break up with her.

Anyway, I met a man a couple years ago at a singles event. We've had about eight dinner dates, sometimes months apart. He seems more interested/attracted to me than I am to him although there are things I like about him. He is rather upset off that I've never told him where I live or work. I'm afraid he may pursue me more intently and if I turn him down, might harass me and I could lose my job.

I have no reason not to trust "him" in particular. I would be the same with anyone. I've looked up his name in the county court system and found nothing. My fears may be entirely unfounded, yet something is holding me back and I'm afraid to reveal where he can "find me".

Any advice?

 
Old 12-04-2008, 10:46 AM   #2
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Re: I have a hard time trusting men

What did he do to make you think he'll turn stalker and make you lose your job?

 
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Old 12-04-2008, 11:21 AM   #3
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Re: I have a hard time trusting men

He hasn't done anything...yet. Then again, he hasn't had a chance to because he doesn't know where I live.

 
Old 12-04-2008, 11:23 AM   #4
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Re: I have a hard time trusting men

So why do you assume he'd go psycho on you? Do you find something in his demeanor that suggests he's a maniac, or do you just think that's what men do when they're rejected?

I'm just trying to get a handle on if this is his issue or yours.

 
Old 12-04-2008, 11:52 AM   #5
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Re: I have a hard time trusting men

No, I haven't seen anything strange in his behavior; however, keep in mind that I've only seen him a couple hours at a time either in a public restaurant or his car in the parking lot, and our meetings have sometimes been far between. It's not as if I see him on a weekly basis and can accurately gauge his demeanor.

 
Old 12-04-2008, 12:04 PM   #6
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Re: I have a hard time trusting men

Right, but I'm confused why you assume he'll go nutso. I've ended relationships and dating situations before and I never once assumed the guy would go psycho on me and cause me to lose my job. There must be SOME reason why you think he'll go crazy and make you lose your job. That's a pretty extreme thing to assume about someone if you don't even know him well enough to gauge. Are you just basing that assumption on the experience your friend had with his girlfriend?

 
Old 12-04-2008, 12:05 PM   #7
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Re: I have a hard time trusting men

Would you be interested in seeing him more regularly so you could get to know him better?

I can understand your being cautious with a stranger (because at this point he kind of is one), but eventually, if you do want a more serious relationship, you are going to have to throw caution to the wind and let the guy in.

What exactly did he say when he mentioned he was upset about not knowing these things about you? Did something in that conversation make you hesitant?

 
Old 12-04-2008, 12:10 PM   #8
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Re: I have a hard time trusting men

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
Are you just basing that assumption on the experience your friend had with his girlfriend?
Yes, and I wouldn't want that to happen to me.

 
Old 12-04-2008, 12:14 PM   #9
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Re: I have a hard time trusting men

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
Would you be interested in seeing him more regularly so you could get to know him better?

I can understand your being cautious with a stranger (because at this point he kind of is one), but eventually, if you do want a more serious relationship, you are going to have to throw caution to the wind and let the guy in.

What exactly did he say when he mentioned he was upset about not knowing these things about you? Did something in that conversation make you hesitant?
I wouldn't mind seeing him more often but am afraid to make a commitment. If we make a commitment he'll want to come pick me up for dates, etc.

A friend of mine says there's no reason he has to know where I work, i.e. what difference does it make if I work at a bakery, department store or insurance company?

As for what he said to let me know he was upset...we rarely talk by phone, so it was communicated via e-mail. He cites examples of other women he has met who trusted him enough after the first date to tell him where they've lived and he thinks it odd that I don't. Sometimes he comes out and says, "You have trust issues!"

Yes, I know I do.

Last edited by Hangin in There; 12-04-2008 at 12:15 PM.

 
Old 12-04-2008, 12:19 PM   #10
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Re: I have a hard time trusting men

dating entails going out on a limb sometimes, if you're not ready to do that in even the smallest way, maybe you shouldn't date......

 
Old 12-04-2008, 12:35 PM   #11
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Re: I have a hard time trusting men

Yeah, I'd say you have trust issues. If you automatically assume this guy will turn into a psycho stalker as soon as he has your home address and the name of the company you work for, not based on his behaviors but based on something that happened to a friend...then yes, that's a problem. That's the same as saying all men are jerks and sleazes, or all women are loose and can't be trusted, or are gold diggers.

Why do you feel this way? Why do you assume this about this man? Is it specific to him or do you think all men turn into insane stalkers as soon as they have your home address and place of employment? Because my guy knows where I lived before I lived with him and he knows where I work and he doesn't stalk me, call obsessively or act nuts.

If you want to have a relationship with someone, sooner or later they're going to want to pick you up for a date. I'm all for exercising caution at first, but with time you should develop a sense of what this guy is about. Decent, respectful men won't turn into stalker man just because they know where you live and work. If you want to enjoy a relationship, this wall is going to have to come down.

 
Old 12-04-2008, 12:50 PM   #12
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Re: I have a hard time trusting men

One small thing I forgot to mention....a while back he told me he had a date or two with another lady and knew where she worked. He called there once and was either asking the boss about her or asking the boss if he could come pick her up for lunch. The man asked him not to call there again.

I think he can be a bit nosey and intrusive.

 
Old 12-04-2008, 01:07 PM   #13
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Re: I have a hard time trusting men

Well yes, I'd have a problem with that. There's no reason a guy you're dating needs to call your place of work, and certainly not your boss! I'd have been furious...

I thought there had to be something you were basing your fears on. So it appears that this guy oversteps boundaries for sure. It seems like maybe he was checking up, trying to make sure nothing was going on with the boss, or "marking his territory". Both unnecessary and annoying.

You might be better off dating someone else, someone who respects boundaries and isn't going to be pushy or intrusive.

 
Old 12-04-2008, 01:24 PM   #14
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Re: I have a hard time trusting men

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hangin in There View Post
One small thing I forgot to mention....a while back he told me he had a date or two with another lady and knew where she worked. He called there once and was either asking the boss about her or asking the boss if he could come pick her up for lunch. The man asked him not to call there again.

I think he can be a bit nosey and intrusive.
Now that is a red flag that would be a turn off to me. I don't care what the intentions were there. He clearly overstepped boundaries. I mean, my husband has NEVER called me at work and certainly has NEVER had a conversation with my boss about me.

I can now see why you are concerned with this particular guy. I think that alone would be enough for me to see what else is out there. What if he was the jealous or possessive type who was "marking his territory"? It's just creepy.

 
Old 12-04-2008, 02:24 PM   #15
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Re: I have a hard time trusting men

That's what I mean.

And other times when I've told him via e-mail that I don't think he's the right one, or whatever I said, he would seem to get angry and point out flaws about ME...yes, including my "trust issues". I'd let several months go by and figure I'd "give him another chance". Same thing. I don't think he takes rejection well and would not want him bothering me.

Last edited by Hangin in There; 12-04-2008 at 02:25 PM.

 
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