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Old 12-08-2008, 07:43 AM   #1
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why is my boyfriend so angry?

ive been with my boyfriend just over 2 years but hes so angry he has always been easy to annoy but its getting worse to the point where im scared to speak to him or i dont no wat to say i dont understand why hes like this ive told him he should get help but he wont and he says he dont have a problem he says its all my fault but i havent done anything and its starting to drive me mad i love him more than anything and i want our relationship to work but what is wrong with him???? i dont no wat to do anymore plz help

Last edited by lisah10; 12-08-2008 at 09:30 AM.

 
Old 12-09-2008, 06:48 AM   #2
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Re: why is my boyfriend so angry?

Hi
Im sorry you are having such a difficult time. I have been in a few disastrous relationships, the worst with my ex husband. He was always angry,slightest thing would set him off. I ended up walking on eggshells, scared to do anything, scared of saying the wrong thing in case he started again. It gradually got worse until his temper was uncontrollable and he started beating me, im not saying this will happen to you, but please be very wary as tempers have a habit of getting out of control. There must be something that is making your partner so angry, very often it comes from the childhood. Im afraid the first step is for your partner to realise he has an anger problem, until he does it will not be resolved. Please do not continue to suffer in silence no matter how much you love him, you are entitled to feel safe and thats what you should feel when in a relationship, not scared. Good luck

 
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Old 12-09-2008, 07:19 AM   #3
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Re: why is my boyfriend so angry?

he sounds verbally abusive at the very least, which could turn into physical abuse. Check out the book "stop walking on eggshells". it's about BPD, borderline personality disorder, which anger is a symptom of.
I'd leave him, he's not going to change.

 
Old 12-09-2008, 07:23 AM   #4
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Re: why is my boyfriend so angry?

It's hard to describe or know where anger comes from. I know because I have it.
I'm told "I HATE the world" by my therapist. But I was shocked when she told me this, because I feel like i"m a very compassionate, loving person.
I'm shy, I smile alot and don't like disturbances.
But most people dont' know this about me upon first meeting me.( that I have an anger problem) because i"m normally a very smiley, upbeat person. but easily pushed too. I'm so hypersensitive to stimuli that even sudden loud noises will make me angry. Or if I drop something, or if something just doesn't go smoothly when I"m trying to do something. I can't even number the things that agitate me.
I am 48 yrs old and it took me most of my life to find out what might be the cause of it. I call it "the fire within"
My therapist says that because of the way my father was when I was little had alot to do with why I am now. I don't want to blame my parents.
but he was such a miserable, angry man when he was alive. he died when i was 17. I only cried once and found myself thinking of him very rarely through out my life.
My twin brother and i had to always be quite. I dropped a fork one night while eatting dinner and it hit my plate. the room was always quite and no one ever spoke at the table, so when the metal fork hit the dish, it sounded as if a bomb went off, which in turn set him off like a monster screaming and cursing at me for causing a disturbance to his precious ears!
to this day I hate sudden noise and I re-act to it as if someone hit me from behind. I want to lash out at it.
I also was told that because I was never allowed to express myself to him because of his out rages, that I've become a very angry person over this. becasue I wasnt' allowed to speak back to him.
she also said because i had to take so much as a child, that now as an adult if I feel that I'm being treated unjustly, that I won't take it as an adult and she says I have every right in the world to feel angry about how I was treated while growing up.
so I yell and look like a maniac to a person who scratches their head wondering why I just went off on them verbally.
these are my coworkers I"m speaking of, when I worked that is.
I am now considered disabled mentally and un able to deal with the world emotionally. I become rude and yell at anyone who I feel may insult me even if the person didn't mean it.
I can't stand myself that I can't tell the difference at times.
I also feared using the bathroom in the middle of night in case I might have woken him up. this is how frightened i was of him. he used to theaten the boys with his belt, but he never physically touched me.

before i was born and when he was avidly drinking, my older sister and brother told me there was a time he would sit in the living room with a gun in his lap, a rifle to be exact, because he was a hunter and had a gun cabinet full of rifles and shotguns, he wouldn't let any of the kids come into the house until he said it was ok and when they finally were allowed to enter, they feared for their lives at night while they slept.
I didn't go through the extent they did, but none the less, I didn't escape the damage he caused of my fear of him.
This is the definition of a "father"? I never had a father as far as I'm concerned. but do I have the right to be an angry person the rest of my life?
where I make my own four children afraid of me unless I go off in anger over something stupid?
so there are many reasons why a person can be angry all the time.
ask a person why, and I'll bet you any money they'll tell you they don't know why.
some try to drink it away or by drugging it away or even trying to kill themselves. I did all 3 of these, but none worked.
not until I sought help from a therapist and got on medication from a psychiatrist was I able to deal with my problems and there fore want to heal myself and make a better life for myself and to the others who live around me.
I feel for you. It takes a very long time for some one to even reach the point where they see they have an anger problem. Are you ready to go through his anger with him the rest of your life?
is it really worth it for the sake of what we call "love"?
I'd say if he refuses to seek help and turns down the possiblity of making a loving, caring relationship with you, because if he really cared, he would get the help he very much needs. after all, you are the closest one to him and he should heed your advice on how you feel about his anger problem.
it's never too late to walk away if you're not married to him. I know it will hurt you and you'll miss him dearly, but it will make you a healthy, happy person in the end instead of becoming miserably unhappy and possibly physically abused up the road if his anger gets worst.

that's probably the only thing you can really do if he refuses to get help. why should you suffer for his anger?
the choice is up to him, not you to get himself better.

I hope i didn't offend you in any way. I am just sharing what I have experienced on a personal level of anger and what it feels like on the opposite end of where you're at.
sometimes there is no ending the anger.

good luck.


L.

 
Old 12-09-2008, 07:39 AM   #5
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Re: why is my boyfriend so angry?

that was nice of lintek to write that long post


you're question is why, and the answer is only he really knows, the rest of us have best guess's

i see anger in degree's

a. we all get angry sometimes, thankfully that is most of us and it is fairly contained

b. the decent person who let's there anger fly when they know they can get away with it, this is more of a habit, control issue thing, an example which is pretty common is someone who is always nice around friends or peers, and can get angry quickly with family members or friends, mostly because they got no choice

c. the angry man, or women, for some they use anger as there motivation, most of the time this is again a habit, and it has worked so well for them for so long in lot's of life situations they will continue to do it, until they hit a wall

d. then you're into the issue stuff, and it becomes a each has his own story, tied with personal strengths and weakness's and coping mechanisms

e. out of control anger, major problems here, like anger tv 24-7, that is scary

so, all in all, like most stuff, unless one wants to help oneself it on average does not resolve itself, a body in motion will tend to stay in motion until?????????????, ie, something significant wouldhave too happen to enact change

hoped that helped
good luck

 
Old 12-09-2008, 07:52 AM   #6
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Re: why is my boyfriend so angry?

Quote:
Originally Posted by css1 View Post
that was nice of lintek to write that long post


you're question is why, and the answer is only he really knows, the rest of us have best guess's

i see anger in degree's

a. we all get angry sometimes, thankfully that is most of us and it is fairly contained

b. the decent person who let's there anger fly when they know they can get away with it, this is more of a habit, control issue thing, an example which is pretty common is someone who is always nice around friends or peers, and can get angry quickly with family members or friends, mostly because they got no choice

c. the angry man, or women, for some they use anger as there motivation, most of the time this is again a habit, and it has worked so well for them for so long in lot's of life situations they will continue to do it, until they hit a wall

d. then you're into the issue stuff, and it becomes a each has his own story, tied with personal strengths and weakness's and coping mechanisms

e. out of control anger, major problems here, like anger tv 24-7, that is scary

so, all in all, like most stuff, unless one wants to help oneself it on average does not resolve itself, a body in motion will tend to stay in motion until?????????????, ie, something significant wouldhave too happen to enact change

hoped that helped
good luck
thankyoy for your help but i still dont no wat to do im only 19 and no were not married he is turkish and im english to him some things that english people do is not right to him as his religion is different. i realy want it to work but he wont get help i asked him if something happened when he was a child coz his dad drinks a lot and is also quite a angry person but he just started shouting again saying im driving him mad.i no we can have a realy good relationship but he needs to calm down and wont!

 
Old 12-09-2008, 07:53 AM   #7
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Re: why is my boyfriend so angry?

thankyou i realy apreciate you sharing your problems with me.

 
Old 12-11-2008, 07:42 AM   #8
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Re: why is my boyfriend so angry?

Lisah,
I can't tell you what to do, because most people don't want to leave the person because they feel they love them and that it would hurt them if they did.

If he can't even talk to you civially when all you do is ask him a simple question, then how do you think your relationship is going to work?

He sounds like he needs to get his life together BEFORE he gets into a serious, loving relationship.
the way he treats you is not what true love is.
love is patient and kind, not angry or being rude to anyone.

You probably feel alot older than age 19, because I did when i was your age. I got married at age 19, which is young. I thought I was in love. my marriage lasted 18 years and I only knew him for four months before i married him.

I had NO idea what the meaning of what love was then. I had no idea what the meaning of LIFE was then either. I thought I knew because i felt older than what I was. everyone does.
I have four children. my youngest is age 19 and she acts and talks like she's alot older. I try to give her my advice when she's in situations like yourself.
one has to learn themselves sometimes in order to really learn. not just be told what to do.
this way you build wisdom.
ask yourself this...... do you really want to be with a man the rest of your life who won't even talk to you in a normal voice without screaming at you when you all you want to do is help him?

being he is from a different custom makes it harder for you too.
the men from other customs are different than American men sometimes.
are you ready for that?
My father and mother are from another custom and another country so I'm not saying this because I"m predjudice. I know from my own experience.

don't waste your youth and your life on someone who is not going to treat you with respect and kindness. you don't deserve to be treated any less. no one does.
he needs to find out himself what is causing his anger and not before he does will he have a good relationship and to learn how to control his anger.

I also want to say to be careful with the situation you're in because it can turn into a cycle. woman don't mean to keep going with the same type of man who is abusive. it just happens subconsciously. It's like being in some type of bad dream that keeps happening over and over and when you finally break up, you ask yourself why you didn't see certain things before.
it's weird, but true.
this happened to me too.
I could NOT for the life of me get over this man who was treating me so horrible. he seemed fine on the outside when you first meet him and he seems fine to others on the outside, but boy oh boy, when I found out what he was really like, it really flipped me out.
it took me 3 whole years to finally break away from that crazy relationship. I drove my family nuts with all the fighting and crying i'd do over the phone with this guy. yet I couldnt' leave him. nor could he leave me.
not until I realized that I needed to break this invisible circle of maddness did I get better and then I realized that I wanted to be with a loving, kind man, not one who I had to walk on egg shells all the time.

Go to the library in the self help section and do some research. this is what helped me tremendously see things I didn't know I was doing or allowing him to do to me.

I wish you the best outcome of the situation you're in.
I dont' know if I'm making a bigger deal than what is really going on, but I'm only going by what you've written.
it's hard to fully see the picture of a persons life by only reading a short post.

good luck,

Linda

 
Old 12-19-2008, 07:15 PM   #9
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Re: why is my boyfriend so angry?

Whatever you do, GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP. Dont get wrapped up into wasting your life and subject the ones who love you into seeing you in this miserable abusive relationship. Leave, now. Pack your bags, get out. Go stay with friends, family. They will be glad to help you.

If he wants to fix his problems, let him fix them and then afterwards he can call you and see if your still available and interested. Think about loving someone who treats you lovingly and kindly and how that life would be better than being with some jerk who treats you like crap.

Do you deserve to be with someone who makes you miserable? Hell no. Forget tying to "fix him" or finding ways to cope with him. He is the one with the problem, and until he fixes it you do not need to hurt yourself by staying with him. Get out of there today. Right now.

Last edited by 1098; 12-19-2008 at 07:17 PM.

 
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