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Old 12-13-2008, 11:37 AM   #1
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My Daughter-in-Law is a Phony

My son got married 10 years ago to what I thought, was a wonderful girl. She is now 37. I'll call her Gigi. On the outside Gigi treats me with a lot of respect and cannot do enough for me whenever I visit their home in Florida, i.e., waiting on me and serving me and everything is very amicable.

The problem is that in their 10 years of marriage, Gigi has NEVER picked up the phone to have a conversation with me. I speak to my son often, and I can only guess he relays the information to her.

What is so strange to me is that she has never sent me a birthday card, Mother's Day card, etc. Occasionally I receive "information" emails from her, but are always quite generic. Never an expression of emotion.

Gigi is extremely vain and when it comes to her home and appearance she is a "perfectionist". She is an excellent HOSTESS and puts out the very BEST china, food, and a FULL bar at every social occasion...making certain that EVERYONE has EVERYTHING they need. She never participates in any conversation, for her focus is on fashion and beauty. Her delight is in being the PERFECT hostess, loves to throw parties...and is extremely good at it.

On the outside everyone sees her as "bubbly" and extroverted, but has a "chip on her shoulder" attitude whenever she feels criticized or challenged.
She corresponds with no one except occasionally with her family who live in Quebec and one other "guy" friend from her home town who has become more like "family". She has made no other friends in the 15 years living in the same area and her only social life consists of her husbands buddies and clients.

As their mother, both of my sons' friends like me as they are always complimenting me and think I'm COOL! However, I have been told that Gigi "trashes" me to other people. This is quite disturbing and I don't know how to handle it.

My 2nd son is currently engaged to a lovely girl, Sheena, who shows me nothing but deep affection and respect both in words and actions. She even calls me "mom". I believe Gigi feels "threatened" by this new entity because for the FIRST time in her emails to me she is addressing me as "Mom".

Sheena also finds Gigi's personality worrisome as Gigi has also expressed very disparaging remarks to her about me and doesn't know how to react. I don't want to take part in "bashing" back" although I've been tempted.

The other thing I find disturbing is that she "trashes" and "bashes" her own husband (my son) to me and Sheena; she also bashes his twin brother, yet she displays positive emotions to them with hugs and kisses, right after she got through bashing them.

Another flaw in her character, by her own admission, is that she is very UNFORGIVING. She is still bringing up matters that happened years ago that everyone has gotten past. My son also views her personality as extremely self-serving. My opinion is that Gigi is more interested in getting "brownie points" with people than having a genuine CONCERN for them...for once they are out of her presence, they cease to exist.

Whenever we hear stories about Gigi and have confronted her with them, she denies ever saying it and gets quite angry about it. There seems to be a facade of LOVE but an internal HATRED that none of us can figure out or know how to handle. I need some advice.
     

Last edited by droyale77; 12-13-2008 at 11:41 AM. Reason: wrong name

 
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Old 12-13-2008, 02:32 PM   #2
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Re: My Daughter-in-Law is a Phony

So, your son who is her husband is aware that gigi also "bashes" him? What does he do about it? I really don't know what to tell you, or feel that you have any other options than to do what you have been doing. Call her out on the things she says about you and deal with her anger. You can't change people, and it sounds like this woman is need of some kind of counseling. Have you suggested this to your son?

In a perfect world we could all pick who our children ended up with, and they would always be the extension to the family of our dreams. In reality is almost never like this....and this time it looks like a grin and bear it situation until your son decides to confront and put a stop to what his wife is doing.

Mileena

 
Old 12-13-2008, 02:49 PM   #3
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Re: My Daughter-in-Law is a Phony

Honestly I think you need to stay out of their relationship and try to get along with her as best you can. If she is really bashing people then she's the one with the problem and I would feel sorry for her! Your son chose to marry her for whatever reason and loves her, so if you love your son then you need to try and stay out of it and if she starts bashing him, tell her you don't want to hear he speak about your son like that! Try to look at the positive with his wife and ignore the rest, and be glad that it's not worse. Trust me it could be alot worse then someone speaking bad of others!!
WS

 
Old 12-14-2008, 04:32 AM   #4
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Re: My Daughter-in-Law is a Phony

OMG I thought I was reading one of my old posts. My ex(thank the lord) DIL is this person to a T. Read up on narcissistic personality disorder, you will probably find Gigi's photo on the page LOL. I have told the whole story on this board, but all through their relationship and marriage, she called me twice! I do believe that with people like this tho, you are truly out of sight out of mind. Has she ever talked about her childhood?? shown interest in your son's boyhood and family?? (except to taunt him with distorted repetitions of some of his funnier stories), volunteered any opinion on movies, books etc?? I bet it is NO to all of this. Warning!! My son got sick with a neurological disorder. Nobody seems to know what it is or what it will do. She lasted 3 MONTHS before she made him leave the house (or she would go and take the kids), then in 4 WEEKS (last Xmas day) she was in bed with her new boyfriend. She has treated my son viciously and has absolutely no empathy. He would fall over as his walking was the first thing affected, and she would step over him, calling him names. Everything had to be about her. When he was put into hospital, she was angry with us because "nobody wants to acknowledge what I have been through" (Well, not really darling, you made it pretty clear that you were not going to put up with an invalid husband). Her first (and most unselfish LOL) reaction to his prognosis was to make him try for a loan against the mortgage before he had to stop working. When the bank rejected the loan, she became even less caring (if possible). Anyway, sorry to hijack here, but i was gobsmacked about the similarity. You cannot believe how they cannot even begin to put themselves into another person's shoes. Any look up narcissistic personality disorder, and come back and tell me if it is her. Sera.

 
Old 12-14-2008, 06:09 AM   #5
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Re: My Daughter-in-Law is a Phony

Quote:
Originally Posted by Winterstorm View Post
Honestly I think you need to stay out of their relationship and try to get along with her as best you can. ...
WS
I think I will agree with Winterstorm on this one. I would give you the same advice. Stay out of their life as much as possible. If she has never mistreated you personally and ostensibly, then why should you really worry about it? After all, isn't it all about gossiping? The important thing is not exactly what people say about you, but what they think (and don't tell) about you, if you see what I mean. Be superior, but don't treat her bad, either. You are probably no longer a young person, so why should you let her behaviour affect the rest of your life? No, I am not calling you an old person, but I guess that with age comes tolerance.
Yes, it's true that you can't really change people, but perhaps you can help them change themselves. If you have never given your daughter-in-law a present, why not choose an edifying (not preachng) author? There are so many good authors out there. She may not be in the habit of reading books, but she will be intrigued by the present and may even feel like browsing through it. What if she is touched by the written word and changes accordingly?

 
Old 12-14-2008, 06:25 AM   #6
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Re: My Daughter-in-Law is a Phony

I don't really know what exactly to think of the situation...being someone that's come from a very large family with lots of IN LAWS I can say that I had some real LULUS throughout my life! Your DIL doesn't sound like she's all that bad to me, she's just to herself and as far as the bashing comments...maybe she's just venting...I certainly can vent with the best of them but I don't expect someone to run and go tell on me! Sounds to me like someone's trying to stir up friction to me!!!!! When I was married to my first husband, my MIL was a piece of work and me and my SIL would gripe and gripe...but I sure didn't expect that my SIL was going to run to my MIL and tattle on me! That's just not right! Believe you me, she could be a whole lot worse!

When my husband lived with his 12 year live in GF she went to ONE family function the entire 12 years...HAHAHA! Just thank goodness you didn't have someone like that nitwit living with your son for 12 years! Lord have mercy...I wouldn't wish that clown on my worst enemy!
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Last edited by xpcandy; 12-14-2008 at 06:29 AM.

 
Old 12-14-2008, 06:41 AM   #7
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Re: My Daughter-in-Law is a Phony

Quote:
Originally Posted by droyale77 View Post
The problem is that in their 10 years of marriage, Gigi has NEVER picked up the phone to have a conversation with me. I speak to my son often, and I can only guess he relays the information to her.

What is so strange to me is that she has never sent me a birthday card, Mother's Day card, etc. Occasionally I receive "information" emails from her, but are always quite generic. Never an expression of emotion.

I had to quote that part because that described me with my MIL. I dont call her,I dont send her Mother's day cards and I dont send her bday cards. Now I do make sure my husband sends them to her. BUT she is not my mother so I dont have to send her a mother's day card. So why should your DIL send you one?? My husband talks to his mother often as well. But I dont talk to her unless I absolutely have to. But that is a whole other story.
As for bashing you are doing a bit yourself on here. Not that is a bad thing I would actually call it venting. She might be venting because she knows how you feel about her not sending you cards and so on.
As for comparing the two women that are your DILs that is a bit rude in that you are comparing apples and oranges. You cant expect the same treatment from two different people and then use it to say one is bad because they arent like the other.
Best thing to do is let it go. If your son is happy in the marriage leave it be.
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Old 12-14-2008, 06:52 AM   #8
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Re: My Daughter-in-Law is a Phony

I agree with blastoff too because when I was married to my first husband for 24 years....I didn't feel like my MIL was MY mother. I did go and buy cards(from both) but really only because I felt obligated to do so. I never in a million years would pick up the phone to call my MIL! Well neither would she! I am remarried now and I don't have a MIL or a FIL but I do have SILs and BILs but I don't get too close to them. I go to my husband's family gathering and I enjoy their company but I have my own family and they have their own families too...we are friendly with eachother but that's as far as it goes.

If you have a DIL(future) that you're very close to, just consider yourself to be lucky to have her and not try to figure out why DIL isn't the same...because she's not the same woman that's why!
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Last edited by xpcandy; 12-14-2008 at 06:52 AM.

 
Old 12-14-2008, 07:32 AM   #9
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Re: My Daughter-in-Law is a Phony

Here's something else to consider...if there's someone that's repeating to you what Gigi says...that person is most likely repeating to Gigi what you are saying. So no wonder Gigi doesn't feel close to you! Perhaps you are putting your trust in someone that's not trustworthy? Just something to consider!
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Old 12-14-2008, 11:28 AM   #10
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Re: My Daughter-in-Law is a Phony

Xpcandy,could be right on that as well. My MIL tried t make sure that both I and my SIL didnt talk to each other to find out she was trash us both to the other. I already knew my MIL was that kind of person so didnt take much stock in what she had to say about the other SIL. I took it upon myself to contact the SIL and talk to her myself. I was right in that MIL had trashed talked me to the other SIL.
So beware of who you are hearing this stuff from.
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Old 12-14-2008, 08:35 PM   #11
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Re: My Daughter-in-Law is a Phony

its your sons responsibility to send you a mothers day card, not your DIL. I never sent cards to my MIL when I was married, it was my husbands job. Does your son send you a card? Also do you think your son calls his MIL just to chat? I doubt it......it's just not something people do, don't take it personally!

 
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