My problem is my husband, who is so argumentative that it is driving me MAD. I'm sure he would argue with anyone! For example, if I have an opinion on something, he will go on and on for ages about why it is a stupid opinion. Next time, when I just don't bother having an opinion, because I know he will go on about it, he goes on and on about why I never have opinions, and that his life would be easier if I would just voice an opinion etc etc. It is like living with a child... Another example, is that he brought our 10 yr old son a chocolate, who, like most kids, ate it all straight away. My husband went on at our son about why he ate the chocolate so quickily, that he would get sick. Next time, our son ate the chocolate more slowly, not wanting to get into trouble. So my husband went on at him about eating faster, as the chocolate would just melt..... It is so frustrating!
My husband works around 6 hours from home, and so lives away most of the time. I am at home with our children - I work full time and look after our children, running them where they need to go. As a result, I have no social life. My husband is out with his mates a lot of the time, and doesn't expect me to say anything to him about it - he has told me that he should be able to go out whenever he wants with them. I had a work christmas party last night - the first time in 12 months that I have gone to anything social. My husband kept ringing me on my phone, and because the party was loud, I couldn't hear the phone. He got really mad at me, and went on for ages about how he didn't realise our marriage is an annoyance to me. I don't know where that came from.... I couldn't even have one night out.....
I am going through a few problems at the moment - I have just been made redundant from work, and am trying to decide my next move. My husband can't understand why I am upset, and has told me to stop talking about it, and to just move on and find another job. I was allowed to be upset for 2 days, after that he was sick of hearing about it, and wouldn't let me talk about it with him. He rang me about 3 hrs ago and was discussing options with me, and I thought it was great, he was being really supportive - he raised the issue, not me. I called him back 1 hr ago with another option, and he went totally off at me, telling me that I was driving him mad with talking about it!
He is so argumentative that my kids don't even want him to come home anymore, and that upsets me, as he is their dad. I have tried to explain his behavior to him, but as usual, it is me with the problem, not him. As he has explained to me in the past, it is MY behavior which causes him to fly off the handle at me, and that I am just like my mother (who he hates).
I just don't know what to do anymore.... what do you do with someone who blames you constantly for their bad moods? he also tells me I give him a headache when he talks to me, and that I am annoying to talk to? i asked him why he was still with me when he clearly doesnt want to be, and he said he married me and it was "for better or worse". Only thing is, there is more "worse" for me, than better. I know it sounds really silly, but I actually do love him.....
Sorry, but your husband is not argumentative, he is a selfish abuser. Look at the flags : He likes to change and get you on the wrong foot; he blames you for what he does; he expects his needs to ALWAYS come before yours; he is not interested in you, your feelings or opinions. He will not end the marriage, why would he? He must know that it would take a while to get another woman into the position he has nearly gotten you into - doing all the work and maintenance on your lives so he can do what he wants. I have no advice for you, I don't think a knee-jerk "leave him" is really going to be helpful. It is a thought though... Sera.
Well, I really don't mean to be offensive or indiscreet here... You may (still) love your husband, but unless I'm totally wide of the mark, your sexual life with him is far from satisfying. I am not saying he is impotent, but in a way he is having a problem with his sexuality, or rather, with his virility. He can even look like a macho man, but a man who is really confident about his virility/sexuality will treat a woman with respect and attention in and out of bed. It may be also a question of good manners, but to me it seems something is not working properly in the sexual domain. Premature ejaculation? Too quick sexual relationship? Whatever... This could be a diagnosis, but I know it is not the solution of your problem. He is probably a stubborn man, the kind of man that will never admit he has a problem, let alone a sexual problem. It's really difficult to give you advice, but assuming that I could be right in my reasoning, there are perhaps a few options for you:
a) let him talk, listen, but don't take him too seriously;
b) if you have a doctor, talk to him or her about it; maybe you can find ways of making him more balanced and attentive;
c) look after yourself; don't allow the chores and the routines to affect your body and your looks that much; find ways of keeping young, despite all the stress;
d) learn to be patient, learn to count up to ten.
There is nothing you can do to change his behavior but there is a lot you can do to change your reaction to it. Twisting yourself into a pretzel, trying to figure out when to voice an opinion, when to keep your mouth shut, when your son should eat fast or slow, etc. hasn't worked at all so it's time to try something else. You might want to consider going to a marriage counselor and outlining the problem and they might be able to give you tips on how to better respond that that he won't be able to get away with such behavior so easily. And yes, it is emotional abuse, deliberately keeping someone off kilter, "I said black....no, I never said black, I said WHITE!!! What, what do you mean white, you know I meant black!!!" That kind of crazymaking behavior should never be put up with.
thanks everyone for your replies, I appreciate all of them, and they have given me a lot to think about. Last time he was home, he went out and bought about 6 tins of paint, and told me the next time he came home, he wanted to see the whole house painted. I mean, in between working full-time and having two boys for which I am solely responsible, he also expects the house to be perfect. There is not allowed to be a mess anywhere - he even checks the top of the fridge to see if there is any dust there!
He is not impotent or anything similiar, but that is an interesting suggestion. He however does love porn and in the past has tried to get me to partake in some very disgusting things.
We are not even allowed to celebrate birthdays or Christmas - the boys get a couple of small presents, but there is no Christmas lunch or birthday cake! I don't ever get birthday or Christmas presents from him, he said he shouldn't have to buy me something just because it is my birthday.
Anyway, enough of my whinging for now! Thanks everyone.
Wow...the more you post, the more of a jerk this guy becomes.....! WHY are you still with him? Do you really want your sons to grow up thinking it's ok to treat women this way? Come on.
If he isn't the type to be physically violent. I would call his bluff. The paint would still be sitting there and dust MIGHT be ontop the fridge. No one deserves to be treated this way, is there no one who can help you get your foot out the door? You say you work...can you afford to save money and get away from him? There are places that give women and children shelter at times like this until they can get out on their own. Please consider how you might improve you and your children's lives away from this "Hitler" type.
One time when he comes home dont be there. Take the kids and go to your family, dont tell him then when he looks for you say to him, "ive had enough of how you are to me and if things dont get better i wont be back at all when you come home". I reckon that might work !!
Selfish men who needs em? i know im married to one too, on a lesser scale than yours though, i think.
Wow. Porn? Verbal abuse? No birthday presents or celebrating Christmas, going off on YOUR kids (they are your kids too) and expecting you to paint the whole house before he gets home? I'm sure I missed something....but can I ask why you would love a person like this? Do not confuse love and dependence. It's scary being out of work, I know. I'm not sure where you're from, but here, if divorced, he would have to pay monthly alimony and child support to help you along. Get yourself a good lawyer and make sure the judge is aware of his porn use.
Anyway, enough of my whinging for now! Thanks everyone.
Excuse me, but how old is your husband? I should think that he is quite near to breakdown. He can't go on being and doing things this way. If he doesn't change, if he doesn't allow to be (medically or psychologically) treated, the prognosis is not really good, I am afraid to say. Protect yourself and your family, please.