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Old 12-15-2008, 04:45 PM   #1
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Why is he so moody & mean to me?

There is something wrong with my husband. I can be talking to him one minute and things are great and the next minute he is completely moody. Initially I asked him about this before we married 10 years ago because I wanted to know what I did wrong. He told me it was just him and he gets like that sometimes. It's like walking around all the time waiting for a bomb to go off. He went to a therapist and went on Celexa. Stupid me thought that would completely fix the problem.

For a couple weeks, he's been nice to me but yesterday, he just started ignoring me again and when I tried to make conversation, he looked like I was totally annoying him, so I shut up and went to another room. I made a nice dinner so I told him it was ready and he wouldn't eat any of it. He had a piece of bread later. This is silly but I bought a nice new nail file and I found it lying on the floor all mangled. I asked him what happened and he just shrugged. I bought something else that he wanted and I found it thrown in a corner.

When he's like that he is grouchy with everyone, not just me. His nephew, whom he hasn't talked to in months, called so say he was in town and he was incredibly rude to him making it sound like he was bothering him. He talked very rudely to his mom as well and she ended up in tears. After that she's on the phone calling me repeatedly asking me what she did wrong (nothing) and then ends up apologizing to him and telling him how wonderful of a person he is - positive reinforcement for bad behavior in my opinion. His father is identical to him and he pouts and throws a fit when he doesn't get his way so that is where he has learned this from. But he has said how grouchy his father was and how mean he was to his mom and he didn't like it, yet he does the same thing.

Often, even when things are good, he is not that nice of a person. He'll ignore me when I come home. If I talk to him he won't even look at me and often doesn't respond to me until many minutes later. It's like he can't be bothered by anyone until he wants to respond. Most mornings, he gets up and walks right past me and leaves for work without saying anything. He never calls me at work just to say hi and if I call him (has his own business) he is very rude to me, so I've stopped calling him. If I give my opinion on something, he'll tell me "that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard" if it doesn't match up with his ideas. Really the only time he acknowledges me is when he needs something from me - look something up for him, do work for his business, make him food, go out and buy something for him, anything for him. Otherwise I don't even exist.

There are a lot of other things that happen too and this message really doesn't give you the full picture. He got in one of his moods last Christmas before the 25 guests (his family/my family) arrived. Nice way to get out of helping me prepare for all of the guests, especially since it was his idea to have them over that year. He went and played computer games while I cooked for the day then came out and had a bowl of soup while sitting there scowling at everyone. His friends called to wish him Merry Christmas and when I went to give him the phone, he yelled he was busy and wouldn't talk to them. He gets very angry about things. We were working outside and got mad and went to throw a brick over the fence. Instead it came right at me and I had to step out of the way to avoid getting hit. I was in shock and he looked at me and said "WHAT?" like there was nothing wrong. If he bumps into me there is no "sorry" or "oops", no apologies for anything. One time I bumped him and he did hit me back because it hurt him but I had already apologized. Obviously he didn't accept it. His typical response when someone expresses discomfort is "now you know how I feel" or "it can't be as bad as how I'm feeling." So frustrating, it's like the only one that matters is him.

I am completely worn out from never knowing what I'm walking into with him. This ignoring and grouchy behvaior can go on for days and then one days he'll come home and start talking to me and other people again. He takes Celexa for depression/OCD and sees a therapist a couple times a year.

What do you think is going on? This isn't going to change, is it? Why can't he see what he's doing to me or if he knows, which he has implied in the past, why does he keep being mean like this, to me and everyone else?

 
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Old 12-16-2008, 02:12 AM   #2
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mxchick HB User
Re: Why is he so moody & mean to me?

Am I dating your husband? I know how you feel.. my boyfriend acts like a child and ignores me constantly, calls his family names and talks down to me all the time!! We are on the verge of breaking up .. so hopefully you guys can come to a conclusion and both be happy and stay together! I just can't handle it anymore! Good Luck to you!

 
Old 12-16-2008, 02:25 AM   #3
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Re: Why is he so moody & mean to me?

You mentioned him going to counseling. Have you ever suggested that you both go to couples/marriage counseling? You have invested sometime into this marriage and I hate to see it thrown away, but I understand that it must be so hurtful to live with a man like this. It really sets up a red flag when you mentioned his father was the same way. Maybe his meds arent working and he needs to switch. I suffer from depression and can be very angry and not pleasant to be around. It sounds like he has his own battle going on with himself and probably does not mean for you to take it personal, but how long can you walk on egg shells with him either??

Try marriage counseling and also try and see if he can try a new medication that may work better.

If things dont improve I don't blame you for wanting out of the marriage and move on with your life.

 
Old 12-16-2008, 06:01 AM   #4
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Re: Why is he so moody & mean to me?

I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you. I can't imagine how painful it must be to live that way. I'm not sure what you can do about it, it seems like he is very depressed and perhaps needs some medication to pull him out of it, so he can start being normal again. But if he's anything like other men I know, he will deny he has a problem and fight you about it. He's probably the type that is too proud to admit needing help.

I'm really not sure what you can do, but I'm so sorry this is going on. My heart is really breaking for you. I'd rather be alone than have to live with a man like that. But I don't know if it's that easy for you to walk, since you're married. I'm not sure what you can do?

 
Old 12-16-2008, 06:24 AM   #5
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Re: Why is he so moody & mean to me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mxchick View Post
Am I dating your husband? I know how you feel.. my boyfriend acts like a child and ignores me constantly, calls his family names and talks down to me all the time!! We are on the verge of breaking up .. so hopefully you guys can come to a conclusion and both be happy and stay together! I just can't handle it anymore! Good Luck to you!
I am sorry to hear you are going through pretty much the same thing. It sure isn't a pleasant way to go through life. I am not the best to give advice but one thing I know is if there is a way for you to get away from that man, do it! Do not marry him because you will be trapped and it will take a lot more to extricate yourself from the relationship. I wish I had thought of that. Find someone who deserves you and live a happy life. I wish you all the best.

 
Old 12-16-2008, 11:31 AM   #6
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Re: Why is he so moody & mean to me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mxchick View Post
Am I dating your husband? I know how you feel.. my boyfriend acts like a child and ignores me constantly, calls his family names and talks down to me all the time!! We are on the verge of breaking up .. so hopefully you guys can come to a conclusion and both be happy and stay together! I just can't handle it anymore! Good Luck to you!
wow, maybe all 3 of us are with the same person-my boyfriend figure is extremely moody. he ignores me alot more than he pays attention to me, gets in these weird moods where he doenst say anything but rude comments talking down to me, telling me i'm immature, or yell at me for no reason. then when i try to tell him i'm going to go on home, he asks "why? are you trying to get rid of me?" that's what he says, then he tells me to stay. he stopped calling me at work just to say hi months ago. we've been together for 13 months. he sometimes doesnt call at all. or when he does it's last minute. then when we do go for dinner, he will spend the time talking to me about his ex girlfriends, or how his financial advisor is a fun woman to talk to and tells me how much he enjoyed their conversation. stuff like that. it's getting really old. like last night, he said maybe 1 word to me. was just totally distant, cussing the whole evening. and he gets excited and is finally nice when i am leaving for work. real nice. anyway, gotta go for now. but i think we all have the same thing in common here.
Peace...Nicole

 
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Old 12-16-2008, 05:27 PM   #7
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Re: Why is he so moody & mean to me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nicole85 View Post
wow, maybe all 3 of us are with the same person-my boyfriend figure is extremely moody. He ignores me alot more than he pays attention to me, gets in these weird moods where he doenst say anything but rude comments talking down to me, telling me i'm immature, or yell at me for no reason. Then when i try to tell him i'm going to go on home, he asks "why? Are you trying to get rid of me?" that's what he says, then he tells me to stay. He stopped calling me at work just to say hi months ago. We've been together for 13 months. He sometimes doesnt call at all. Or when he does it's last minute. Then when we do go for dinner, he will spend the time talking to me about his ex girlfriends, or how his financial advisor is a fun woman to talk to and tells me how much he enjoyed their conversation. Stuff like that. It's getting really old. Like last night, he said maybe 1 word to me. Was just totally distant, cussing the whole evening. And he gets excited and is finally nice when i am leaving for work. Real nice. Anyway, gotta go for now. But i think we all have the same thing in common here.
Peace...nicole
it sounds to me hes the one with a problem.when you try to get away he puts it back in your lap again.

 
Old 12-20-2008, 07:17 AM   #8
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Re: Why is he so moody & mean to me?

my bf is exactly the same! but how does everyone deal with it? when he s moody do u just keep away and try not to get upset over it or do u keep on trying?

 
Old 12-21-2008, 03:23 PM   #9
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Re: Why is he so moody & mean to me?

Sometimes people have personality disorders that are hard to diagnose. Other times they may have depression, although depression usually doesn't include someone being super mean to you (most of the time). Either way - if someone is making your life miserable and they aren't doing a thing to try to help themselves you owe it to yourself to leave and find someone that will treat you with respect. There is no sense in both of you being miserable. There is only so much you can do.

 
Old 12-21-2008, 04:27 PM   #10
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Re: Why is he so moody & mean to me?

You know whatcha do with a person like this? Instead of bending over backwards and cowering in a corner and babying them thinking it'll help them to be nice if you're nice you should call his bluff. Cut him down a few notches. Next time he starts with you, you just get even pissier than he is and stand up and in your most disgusted voice, just give him the big F.U.!

Sounds crazy but my sis in law did that to my brother and he came around real quick. People tend to take their crap out on people that love them because they CAN.

Unless of course, he thinks he wears the pants and you let him cause you're june cleaver or he's going to hit you or something. Then I imagine it wouldn't work.

 
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Old 12-27-2008, 07:11 PM   #11
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Re: Why is he so moody & mean to me?

hi i too feel for u !!!!

my brother is that kind of way when he walks into the room where me and my mum is we just dont talk its just not worth the aurguments coz whatever we say is stupid and hes so negative and moody

when his with his friends hes completely different happy funny chatty
infact i have come out with the same thing a friend of his said which he laughed and joked about when i said it i was a stupid fool and to shut up !

ur his lover right ? if i was u dont do him any favours until he treats u with a bit of respect or u,ll be on ur way come on life is for liveing and being happy and not minding what u say or do like bumping into him and him thumping u back flippin hell get out !!!

let him thump the walls till it falls on him and i mean reality and that he,ll be a sad old lonley man if he carrys on


i think it might be coz hes so used to u being around he can take hes moody arragant self on u and be quite normal with everyone else family is,nt included as u said hes not to nice to his brother

 
Old 05-28-2011, 11:23 PM   #12
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Re: Why is he so moody & mean to me?

My husband is the same. finally one night he went crazy and came at my daughter and I for no reason. I threw him through the window. It was in self defense. After 88 stitches he had to go to anger management classes, take
medication, and ordered to attend AA meetings. Life has been calm for
3 years...but it's starting up again. This time I will just leave...permanently.
He is bipolar...which to me is a license to be a jerk.
Good luck!

 
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