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Old 12-27-2008, 05:59 AM   #1
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Question Cope with hubby's 'friend' ???

I'm a newbie to this site and in hopes that you peeps can shed some light on my situation.

Before I married 'hubby', we dated for a couple of years and were in an exclusive relationship. Early on Hubby and his male friend went to visit a married couple (Hubby's BF) in another state. I was on vacation with my female friend at the time. During his vacation there he called me to ask what I thought about him going to a 'gentlemen's club' with his buddies. I was shocked as this seemed so unlike his morales and values. Totally. I told him he could do whatever he likes and have fun.

After we married and about 2-3 years later, his best friend came to visit us at our home (alone). We had a few cocktails when hubby's BF joked around about him walking in on his wife and my Hubby embraced and making out on his couch. Needless to say, that didn't settle well with me. Later on, I questioned him about that situation and he got very defensive and wouldn't talk to me about it. It really hurt me.

Yesterday, BF and his wife stopped at our house for a couple of hours on their way to vacation with friends. All I could think about is Hubby and BF's wife and that night they were caught smooching. I wonder what all happened that night. Hubby is not one to embrace ladies and give them a big bear hug, except her. Coming and going. I hate it but don't say anything to him because I know he'll get defensive and then icycles will hang around the house for days. I can't get passed it. These feelings come out every time I see the couple. HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS? Thanks



 
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Old 12-27-2008, 06:48 AM   #2
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Re: Cope with hubby's 'friend' ???

I don't know, but I can more than understand why you feel the way you do. Since your husband won't tell you what really happened, my only advice would be to try and put this behind you. It happened a long time ago before you were married. I would however, keep my eyes open. How often do they visit?

Did you question your hubbys BF when he brought it up? That was your perfect opportunity. Maybe it was a one time thing that got out of hand.....maybe he was joking. Why was HE not upset that he caught his wife with another man? Do they have an open relationship, if so....that brings on whole other issues for you.

Good Luck
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Last edited by Mileena42; 12-27-2008 at 06:50 AM.

 
Old 12-27-2008, 07:40 AM   #3
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Re: Cope with hubby's 'friend' ???

Thanks and YES my eyes are wide open. I did question BF about it. I said, "WHAT? What happened?" I looked at hubby with a questionable face. He blew it off and we were onto another subject immediately. I think it did bother BF or he wouldn't have brought it up a couple of years later. For whatever reason BF wanted me to know it. Afterwards, hubby got very defensive when I asked him about it...saying nothing happened.

Some background on BF and his wife. This is freaky. BF used to be married to wife's sister (Sis). Wife and BF had an affair behind Sis's and her hubby's back and eventually Wife and BF dumped their spouses and married each other. Both couples had mid-grown children. Can you imagine? So, I'm not surprised that this is something new for the both of them (cheating). If she's done it before, she's obviously comfortable about doing it again. She is a flirt. Luckily, they do not visit often and we've never been to their house in another state. I don't really want to be around her but I put on a good front when I do see her.




 
Old 12-27-2008, 07:50 AM   #4
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Re: Cope with hubby's 'friend' ???

Well, since it happened before you were married and since you don't see them all that often, maybe you should just let it go. Probably the reason why he doesn't want to talk about it is because you weren't married at the time. And it happened long enough ago where maybe he's embarrassed or maybe he just feels bad about it and talking about it would make him feel worse.

I don't know what kind of person he is, so if everything else in the relationship is going well and you have no reason to suspect anything else is going on currently, then I don't think you should worry too much about it. But if there's still something fishy going on and you are suspicious of him currently, then you need to bring it up again and tell him that you won't take no for an answer, you're going to discuss it and figure out what's going on.

 
Old 12-27-2008, 09:43 PM   #5
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Re: Cope with hubby's 'friend' ???

Well, my main concern is not just this one incident with this guy's wife. It's the fact that he did this, he wanted to go to strip club, a few things that you feel are out of character for him, but obviously not. It seems to me that you don't know him anywhere near as well as you thought you did. The fact that he refuses to talk about it is even more troubling. I really don't think you can put it behind you if it isn't dealt with honestly and openly. The fact that he refuses to talk about it would tell me that he's hiding something still.

How to solve this problem is very tricky. You can choose to just ignore it and repress it, but I don't know if that will help you completely get over it. You can tell him seriously and firmly that you need honesty and full transparency and to get it out in the open and talk about it, or you can go to counseling and see if they have some constructive advice. But if he is hiding something, there isn't a lot that can be done. I wish you luck.

 
Old 12-28-2008, 05:14 AM   #6
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Re: Cope with hubby's 'friend' ???

Personally I don't think I could get over this...it just sounds to me like they got caught before it got too far...THAT TIME! And I'd be thinking that they probably are having an affair. Is this any different then if he had been caught making out with any woman? Is it somehow better that it's his BF's wife? That seems worse to me! This woman is known to be a cheater so she'll probably keep on cheating on her husbands. It's very strange how the friend can just laugh that off so easily!

IF you were to get past this...you are going to have to talk about it and make sure there's not an ongoing affair every time they get together. OH and how do you know when it was that this happened? Do you know it was the time they went to the strip club? It could have been more recent? I do know that stupid stuff happens when you drink...but that really is no excuse!
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:39 AM   #7
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Re: Cope with hubby's 'friend' ???

Hmmm, this could be something serious or it could be nothing at all. Do you think you have a basically "healthy" marriage? If so, BF could just be a troublemaker and maybe is jealous of your marriage.

What I find interesting is that before you were married, your husband did call you and ask your feelings about going to the "gentleman's club".. that was considerate of him. And you gave him permission. Done deal.

If your husband says this incident was nothing, then believe him if you have a good and healthy marriage and just move on.

If there are other factors brewing in your marriage, then that would change my opinion.

Sometimes when we look for that pin in the haystack, we find it and tend to fester on that. Just my thoughts.

Sunny

 
Old 12-28-2008, 05:53 AM   #8
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Re: Cope with hubby's 'friend' ???

I appreciate the feedback. Let me clear this up ... when Hubby called me to ask about my feeling about the strip club, he said he wasn't going to go and to call him later on that night. When I did call, his cell phone rang & rang w/no answer. So, I don't know if he went or not. If he did go, he probably didn't have his cell phone on him. If he didn't go, that would've been the perfect time for BF's wife and Hubby to get together alone. Who knows what actually happened??

I do agree that I should have a talk with him to get the true facts. For some reason I feel he'll just deny it again and get mad and not talk for a day or two. He's 58 years old. Shouldn't he be able to have an adult conversation? This bothers me so bad every time she's around. I pushed it out of my mind until the next time they're around us. Then I get these same feelings over and over.

Hubby is very good to me with the homefront, taking care of the bills, the home, etc. but he just resists talking to me about the past. I think he may be hiding more than I know. It's killing me.

 
Old 12-28-2008, 06:24 AM   #9
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Re: Cope with hubby's 'friend' ???

Whatever happened that time with the strip club or gentleman's club was before you were married.

As far as bringing up the past, why? Let sleeping dogs lie. The past belongs where is should, in the past. Adult conversations? Most men are little boys in my opinion and I'm 52.

I would let this go and live in the present. People have enough problems in my opinion, why dredge up old problems? We only have today, yesterday is gone.. It's not like he cheated on you during the time you have both been married, right?

Sunny

 
Old 12-28-2008, 01:34 PM   #10
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Re: Cope with hubby's 'friend' ???

Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnyrise View Post
Whatever happened that time with the strip club or gentleman's club was before you were married.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnyrise View Post
Yes.
[bold]As far as bringing up the past, why? It was hubby's BF that told me - in front of hubby. I suppose it has been bothering him? For whatever reason he said it like he wanted me to know ... to maybe be on the lookout? I don't know. Let sleeping dogs lie. The past belongs where is should, in the past. Adult conversations? Most men are little boys in my opinion and I'm 52. I agree and I'm 48.

I would let this go and live in the present. I'm trying. People have enough problems in my opinion, why dredge up old problems? We only have today, yesterday is gone.. It's not like he cheated on you during the time you have both been married, right?

Sunny
That's right.[/bold]

Last edited by bp8me2; 12-29-2008 at 05:09 AM. Reason: Changed font for easier reading

 
Old 12-28-2008, 02:18 PM   #11
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Re: Cope with hubby's 'friend' ???

Well to me when I refer to the "past" I take that to mean before I came into the picture. If this was before YOU I'd say "leave it in the past" but this happened when you were supposed to be a couple. Just because it was a big secret doesn't make it "the past". Another thing is, what kind of a man makes out with their friend's wife? Not someone I'd want to be married to. Sorry but that's what I think about it! If all of a sudden someone told me that my husband had been making out with his friend's wife and this was when we were a couple but before our actual marriage date...it really wouldn't be any different than if it was after marriage...we were still a couple! He was still swearing his love to me and promising to be only with me! Here's another thing to ask yourself...would you have married him had your known about this? If the answer is yes then I suppose you should just let it go. I just wonder what you would have done if you would have walked in on them making out that night? Would you now be married?
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Last edited by BeaTrade; 12-28-2008 at 02:26 PM.

 
Old 12-30-2008, 06:33 AM   #12
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Re: Cope with hubby's 'friend' ???

Yes, it happened while we were a couple but I didn't find out about this until last year - when hubby's BF blurted it out to me - in front of me and hubby. BF's wife wasn't here when BF let me know. Now, I wished he had never shared that information with me!

I sat down with hubby yesterday morning and ask if we could talk - in an adult manner and the absolute truth. He agreed. I asked him about what actually happened and when. He automatically said, "I don't know what you're talking about, or what BF was talking about. I don't ever remember kissing her. He's my BF and I wouldn't do that." He was rather defensive and the conversation got louder. He said it's all in MY head. It was a very 'cold' environment all day. It's a lost cause. I don't think he'll ever fess up. He told me to ask his BF about it if it bothers me because he doesn't know what the hell BF's talking about. I guess I'll just have to live with it.

I guess it still bothers BF since he HAD to bring it up in front of us last year - after such a long time. This thing happened over 5 years ago! Oh well....I guess I'll never know the truth without talking with BF about it, but why? I feel it would blow up even bigger if the truth be known. I am one not to ever forget when something like that happens.

 
Old 12-30-2008, 01:42 PM   #13
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Re: Cope with hubby's 'friend' ???

Is this guy possibly a BSer? Maybe he said this just to get a rise out of y'all? I ask because my EX had some loud mouth friends that would say stuff like that to me in front of my EX but I knew them enough to know they were just BSing me. They'd say something like "yeah you know that hot chick you had lunch with last week!" They thought they were being funny!
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Last edited by BeaTrade; 12-30-2008 at 01:43 PM.

 
Old 12-30-2008, 06:45 PM   #14
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Re: Cope with hubby's 'friend' ???

What strikes me is if this guy was a "true" best friend and whatever he "claimed" happened, he wouldn't have brought it up at all. Best friends don't do that in my book.

I think your husband's friend is a troublemaker and he got what he wanted, to upset you and your husband. Is that a friend?

 
Old 01-01-2009, 03:54 PM   #15
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Re: Cope with hubby's 'friend' ???

If your hubby can't answer a simple question to reassure you, it's obvious that he's either not being honest or sensitive.. It sounds like the truth is important to you, and frankly that's not too much to ask. You trusted him in the past and by not being honest or open he violates that trust.

I would probably wait until he wants clarification on anything, then reply with "I'll tell you as soon as you let me know what happened with your buddy." he'll quickly figure out how annoying it is to be non-responsive. If such opportunity never presents itself... you may "accidently" mention only a few tid bits of something that happened in your past, and "accidently" catch youself before telling the whole story.. he'll want to know the end.

 
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