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Old 12-27-2008, 10:15 PM   #1
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Overcoming jealousy of gf's past

I'm 25 and having some girlfriend issues.
The week before Christmas, my girlfriend of 8 months and I had a rough time.

First, some old male friend of hers wrote on her Facebook wall and suggested they have dinner to catch up. I wanted to play it cool and not say anything but I did and it became sort of an issue about me trusting her. I'm wishing I had just kept my mouth shut.

A couple days later, we were Christmas shopping in Victorias Secret and she mentioned how her ex's parents once got her a $100 gift certificate to the store. She added that she thought it was odd to get her a gift to Victorias Secret because it seemingly promoted sex between her and her ex. I got really mad that she mentioned that and blew it way out of proportion. For some reason, as I'll elaborate later, I have a tendency to flip out when she brings up the past. It became a REALLY big fight that put a damper on an otherwise great weekend.

A couple days later, I was feeling bad about our fight over the Victorias Secret issue. I swore to her I would try to get over my issues with her past as they didn't make sense. This pledge to change was immediately put to the test that same night. She wanted to hang out with some male friends from high school and wanted me to come with. It turns out one of these guys was the person she lost her virginity to. In an effort to show her I was cool, I decided to come with on the outing, despite having no desire to meet her cherry popper. I came out being really nice and friendly, but the dude constantly brought up that he was an ex-boyfriend and even went so far as to mention how they had sex at his parents house a bunch. Anyway you look at it, that was a kind of dick move on his part. I managed to play it cool in public but pretty much flipped **** as soon as we got in the car. It was an absolutely horrible fight, I yelled and screamed at her as if it was her fault for setting this situation up. She began crying and even questioned if this was going to work out due to my inability to cope with her past. I later cooled down and we made up. Still, I feel so ashamed that this, as well as the other two incidents even happened.

As you can see, I have issues with her past. Anytime she even mentions something about her ex-boyfriends, I get a bit bent out of shape. If these comments could be even remotely related to her former sex life, I pretty much lose my mind.

This does not make sense to me. First of all, I am actually glad that she has a past. I would not be interested in her if she was a virgin; she'd be boring. Having dating experience makes her a better, more mature girlfriend for me. It also means she knows what's she's doing more in the bedroom... which is nice

Yet at the same time, the very thought of her with other dudes makes me sick, angry and depressed all at the same time. This is the girl I think I am going to marry. I want her 100%, for rest of my life. Imagining other guys ******* her, getting blowjobs from her and having her say 'I love you' to them..... it ***** me up inside. It may be in the past but I constantly replay it in my mind as if it was happening now.

It is hypocritical of me to feel this way. I've had 2x as many previous sexual partners as she has. Not only that, but my longest serious relationship was also longer than all of her major relationships put together. Plus that girl and I only broke up a few months before this relationship started. She should be the one insecure out about me, not the other way around.

In the wake of the recent fights, I am just sick of feeling this way. I hate what I've become. I've never been this way in the past. I don't know if it's because I think this girl is the one I'm going to marry, or the fact that she is so beautiful or what..... I'm just insanely jealous and insecure with her. All of this is done out of a fear of losing her or not measuring up to her exboyfriends. I think it ironically is pushing me torwards those outcomes as opposed to protecting me from them.

I just want to be a cool boyfriend. I want to stop thinking about her past in a negative light, to stop losing my mind when she brings it up. I don't want to feel like I have to measure up to anyone else that she's been with before. I know that she loves me as much as I love her. I know that I can trust her in the present too. There is no need to be like this.

I don't know if there is any advice that can really help, but anything would be nice. I have a great relationship and I think that if I keep acting like this I'm going to lose it.

 
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:04 AM   #2
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Re: Overcoming jealousy of gf's past

Sorry, but your GF is very tacky and disrespectful to both you and your relationship. Why does she continue to throw her past up in your face? Why would she bring up sex with her ex in the store? Why would she think for one second you'd enjoy going out at night with a bunch of her "male" friends -- and meeting her "cherry-popper"?!?

I'm really, really sorry to say this, but I think your GF is trash. She's thriving on hurting you and seeing you get all bent out of shape with jealousy. She's probably into drama and causing turmoil.

You sound like a nice guy who deserves someone that likes to make you feel good. Best of luck in finding her. I don't think it's the one you're with.

 
Old 12-28-2008, 05:45 AM   #3
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Re: Overcoming jealousy of gf's past

I agree with Stenolady, this girl is not worth it. She is playing games with you and pushing your buttons.

Is that what you want? Doesn't sound healthy to me at all.

I think you could do better. I would dump this girl and move on.

Sunny

 
Old 12-28-2008, 08:26 AM   #4
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Re: Overcoming jealousy of gf's past

I have to agree that it almost sounds as though your girlfriend is enjoying your jealousy and doing it on purpose. As sick as it may sound, jealousy is often a sign of love, so it is flattering when someone gets jealous over us. When a significant other gets jealous, it basically means that they feel they have something to lose. So, on the receiving end of that jealousy, it can almost feel good and be an ego boost. I'm saying this because I think it's the reason why she is doing it. However, your situation is extreme. It's not right to purposely make someone jealous, and especially in the extreme way she is doing it. It sounds like maybe she is secretly the insecure one, so she has to constantly make you jealous on purpose to reaffirm your love for her. And she obviously knows that the sex part is what gets to you most, so that's the part that she uses against you and talks about the most.

Jealousy is a very hard thing to overcome. People don't choose to be jealous and it's hard to figure out why. But, you pretty much figured it out, you are intimidated and feel like you don't/won't measure up. Jealousy comes from our own insecurities. That's why it's SO hard to stop. I think the best you can do is sit down and talk to her and tell her that she seriously needs to stop mentioning her ex's and her past sexual experiences. She's crossing the boundaries and she needs to know it's not all your fault. As for what you can do about yourself, just control your temper. Just because we feel jealous doesn't mean we have to act on it. Getting in a fight over it will not change anything nor will it make anything better. So, as backwards as it may sound, I think you need to work on keeping your jealousy to yourself. Take a breather, rationalize it to yourself, and remind yourself that the hurt and anger and all of the jealous feelings will subside.

 
Old 12-28-2008, 09:02 AM   #5
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Re: Overcoming jealousy of gf's past

If she doesn't get the reaction she's looking for she will stop. You have better ways to "prove" your love to her that don't involve screaming matches and extreme drama.

The next time she brings something from her past up, I'd just say "I really don't think I want to discuss that. Let's talk about something else". Once she sees she can't yank your chain that way, hopefully she'll stop.

 
Old 12-28-2008, 09:21 AM   #6
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Re: Overcoming jealousy of gf's past

this girl sounds like an attention hoe......
trying to stir up stuff to get a rise, trying to create drama......
there are so many girls like her, she's nothing special.....
time to cut her loose, and find someone who is.
Someone who cares about you would go out of their way NOT to make you jealous, not the other way around.

 
Old 12-28-2008, 10:53 AM   #7
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Re: Overcoming jealousy of gf's past

Quote:
Originally Posted by OTbass View Post
I'm 25 and having some girlfriend issues.
The week before Christmas, my girlfriend of 8 months and I had a rough time.

First, some old male friend of hers wrote on her Facebook wall and suggested they have dinner to catch up. I wanted to play it cool and not say anything but I did and it became sort of an issue about me trusting her. I'm wishing I had just kept my mouth shut.

A couple days later, we were Christmas shopping in Victorias Secret and she mentioned how her ex's parents once got her a $100 gift certificate to the store. She added that she thought it was odd to get her a gift to Victorias Secret because it seemingly promoted sex between her and her ex. I got really mad that she mentioned that and blew it way out of proportion. For some reason, as I'll elaborate later, I have a tendency to flip out when she brings up the past. It became a REALLY big fight that put a damper on an otherwise great weekend.

A couple days later, I was feeling bad about our fight over the Victorias Secret issue. I swore to her I would try to get over my issues with her past as they didn't make sense. This pledge to change was immediately put to the test that same night. She wanted to hang out with some male friends from high school and wanted me to come with. It turns out one of these guys was the person she lost her virginity to. In an effort to show her I was cool, I decided to come with on the outing, despite having no desire to meet her cherry popper. I came out being really nice and friendly, but the dude constantly brought up that he was an ex-boyfriend and even went so far as to mention how they had sex at his parents house a bunch. Anyway you look at it, that was a kind of dick move on his part. I managed to play it cool in public but pretty much flipped **** as soon as we got in the car. It was an absolutely horrible fight, I yelled and screamed at her as if it was her fault for setting this situation up. She began crying and even questioned if this was going to work out due to my inability to cope with her past. I later cooled down and we made up. Still, I feel so ashamed that this, as well as the other two incidents even happened.

As you can see, I have issues with her past. Anytime she even mentions something about her ex-boyfriends, I get a bit bent out of shape. If these comments could be even remotely related to her former sex life, I pretty much lose my mind.

This does not make sense to me. First of all, I am actually glad that she has a past. I would not be interested in her if she was a virgin; she'd be boring. Having dating experience makes her a better, more mature girlfriend for me. It also means she knows what's she's doing more in the bedroom... which is nice

Yet at the same time, the very thought of her with other dudes makes me sick, angry and depressed all at the same time. This is the girl I think I am going to marry. I want her 100%, for rest of my life. Imagining other guys ******* her, getting blowjobs from her and having her say 'I love you' to them..... it ***** me up inside. It may be in the past but I constantly replay it in my mind as if it was happening now.

It is hypocritical of me to feel this way. I've had 2x as many previous sexual partners as she has. Not only that, but my longest serious relationship was also longer than all of her major relationships put together. Plus that girl and I only broke up a few months before this relationship started. She should be the one insecure out about me, not the other way around.

In the wake of the recent fights, I am just sick of feeling this way. I hate what I've become. I've never been this way in the past. I don't know if it's because I think this girl is the one I'm going to marry, or the fact that she is so beautiful or what..... I'm just insanely jealous and insecure with her. All of this is done out of a fear of losing her or not measuring up to her exboyfriends. I think it ironically is pushing me torwards those outcomes as opposed to protecting me from them.

Quote: I want to stop thinking about her past in a negative light, to stop losing my mind when she brings it up. I don't want to feel like I have to measure up to anyone else that she's been with before. I know that she loves me as much as I love her. I know that I can trust her in the present too. There is no need to be like this.

I don't know if there is any advice that can really help, but anything would be nice. I have a great relationship and I think that if I keep acting like this I'm going to lose it.

I totally disagree with what others have posted to you. It sounds like the VS comment may not have been a smart comment to make perhaps immature but I don't get it as being a slam in your face....and as far as the exbf talking about sex with her. She didn't bring it up the past sex stuff etc....HE did and you said nothing about her laughing it up with him etc. Was she egging him on in a way to get him going? Should she not go out with High School friends because an ex is there? From what you've written - this guy is a dope and you lost it because of what he said not her.

Unless you've left out some stuff about her taunting you with ex stuff all the time then I see this more as your problem then hers.

I think from what you've written you have a real issue with jealousy. You've written yourself that you have a major problem with flipping out about her past - and that you can't even stand that thought she's had sex with other men. Like I said, from what you've written, I'm not getting shes any kind "trash" You've said nothing in your post to point to her being like that. Unless you've left alot stuff out about her talking about sex with her ex's, how good they were, what they did to her and all that stuff then I think you need to talk to someone about your anger and jealousy issues as your jealousy is going to wreck this relationship.

Last edited by cathy1; 12-28-2008 at 11:05 AM.

 
Old 12-28-2008, 12:53 PM   #8
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Re: Overcoming jealousy of gf's past

Well, I kind of tend to lean toward agreeing with Cathy on this. I don't think the ex bringing things up was HER fault, unless you left something out......true the Victorias Secret comment could have been left out, but it sounded innocent enough to me. They gave her a gift certificate that she took as promoting sex.......did she then go into detail about what she bought and what happened when she wore it.

This is YOUR problem. Deal with it or risk losing her.

Mileena

 
Old 12-29-2008, 08:57 AM   #9
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Re: Overcoming jealousy of gf's past

I appreciate those of you who sided with me on this. I wasn't expecting that at all. However, I have to agree with the posters who said it was MY problem... because it really is. Let me clarify a few things.


In the early weeks of our relationship, she would freely drop sexual details about her past and I didn't really care. Then one day, as if by magic, I did care. As this became more apparent, the talk of her past turned into a major issue with us. Eventually we sat down and discussed it. She agreed to stop because of how it made me feel. Since then, with only a few minor slip ups, she has been very good about it.

The male friend who wanted to have dinner was indeed just that, a friend. He was someone she was close to in high school and that she hadn't seen in awhile. I shouldn't be jealous or insecure. They never dated or anything. Why shouldn't she be able to hang out with him??

The Victorias Secret comment was perhaps ill-advised, but I highly doubt it was a purposeful stab at me. Like I said, she has been incredible about keeping those things to herself for some time now. On occasion, like in this instance, it does slip out. This is the first one in a long time and it wasn't even any overt detail. Still I took it for all it was worth and had a meltdown anyways. Overreaction.

As for her de-virginizer, it was totally his fault for mentioning their past so much. She did nothing to egg him on and was in fact horrified that he brought it up. She has since talked to him and let him know he was out of line.

Regardless, we must take part of the blame for that one. It was a dumb idea for my girlfriend and I to think that this meeting would be okay. I don't believe there is any guy out there who actually wants to meet the dude who took their girlfriend's virginity. In fact I don't want to meet any previous partners. Bad call on my girlfriends part for thinking it would be okay, bad call on me for going along with it. Agreed?

My conclusion is this:

I have a low threshold on what makes me jealous and insecure. I need to work on that. Right now I'm a bit extreme and she is starting to tire of it. I do believe it is okay to be guarded about other guys and not really want to hear about past sexual exploits..... but within reason. I should be able to hear general non-sexual details about her history without caring. I should also be able to trust her with plutonic male friends, to a certain point.

I just want to be cool and moderate; have a healthy dose of jealousy to show I care but not strangle her with it.

Perhaps the best advice is this: "YOU ALREDY KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO SO JUST DO IT!!!" ... followed by a smack in the face.

What do you think??

 
Old 12-29-2008, 09:03 AM   #10
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Re: Overcoming jealousy of gf's past

I think you're being a little hard on yourself.....

how do you think she would feel if you pepperred your conversations with little snippits of your past sexual experiences, or wanted to get together with the girl who took your virginity? I doubt if she's like it one bit......

 
Old 12-29-2008, 09:49 AM   #11
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Re: Overcoming jealousy of gf's past

You've discussed the "bringing up" of past sexual stuff and it appears she has it in check for the most part. Some women will talk about their likes and dislikes in a general way as simply a reference to the past which sounds like the VS remark. I know women that tell their bf and husbands about men in their pasts and weird things the men in the past used to do - things they did they didn't like etc and some women, if they feel close to the man they are with will share things with the man as they would with a girlfriend. If she hasn't been doing this much at all after your talk as you said and it's not in a way that is mean't to make you jealous then let it go. As far as meeting with friends and ex's - per example: My brother is happily married now yet his circle of friends consists of his "first". They are all great friends so should he not have anything to do with his friends if this women is there? The mistake is this "first" being a jerk and immature by bringing this stuff up (not her fault) and you realizing that its in the PAST. As long as she's not bringing stuff up in a mean or "throw it in your face way", and is loving and committed to you then let it go. You have a past and so does she.

Insecurity is rearing it's ugly head with you and the quickest way to lose a loved one is by jealousy. It's suffocating and it slams the other person in the face by essentially saying "I don't trust you". You're on the right track - it's hard to get jealousy in check but if you don't she will eventually lose her feelings for you OR become fearful of you. Don't let it get to that point.

Last edited by cathy1; 12-29-2008 at 09:57 AM.

 
Old 12-29-2008, 01:52 PM   #12
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Re: Overcoming jealousy of gf's past

I'm in the same boat as you man, my girlfriend's past bothers the hell out of me. From what it seems like i have a bit more to worry about than you do, so its hard for me to give any good advice.

But what i want to say is that its really wrong of her to keep bringing stuff up that she knows upsets you, then thats wrong of her. Pass that word on to her, that you dont appreciate it when she brings it up because it really bothers you. Thats all i can really say, its wrong of her to show off about stuff like that, let alone even bring it up in ANY manner.

Because i know if my girlfriend ever said "i remember my ex blah blah blah for me", i would seriously tell her to go get her ex, and just walk out.

 
Old 12-31-2008, 09:39 AM   #13
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Re: Overcoming jealousy of gf's past

You need to keep repeating in your head, "Hey, man, you lost her and she's MINE now! Thanks for the memories." Like you have said before, the things in her past have made her the woman she is today. You either love that woman or you don't. If you do, you accept her past and live with it, never blaming her nor showing anger because of it. All that would do is: 1) make her ashamed of herself; or 2) make her break it off with you. You do not want either, I'm sure.

You can't control what other people do or say; you can only control your own thoughts and reactions. Keep telling yourself that. It will become a habit eventually.

 
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