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Old 12-28-2008, 05:01 PM   #1
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Question need help deciding ..... PLEASE read and help

Hi everybody, so here is my complicated issue. I have been dating my boyfriend for about 10 months. We do not live together but we see each other almost every night. He is totally in love with me to the fullest, and I could be, but I am not. i do love him, but i am not drop dead crazy about him, and i think that is because of a few things that i will now explain: When we first got together he said he would call and wouldnt, later saying it was becuase he worked so much and he fell asleep. He would say he would come over and end up not coming, he would break plans, etc. All of that made him seem to be a cheater and a liar, or so i thought, and so i tried to break up with him about 4 months into the relationship. he was crushed and told me how much he loved me, etc so i didnt end up breaking up with him. Well it turns out that, yes, he literally works all the time. He owns his own business and he works 24/7 - it's true i promise. I have verified it. He also falls asleep the second he sits down and he is a deep sleeper. So of course my family and friends dont like him because they all think he is a liar anda cheater, but I know now that he literally is trying to keep his business alive and it is taking him over. But he tries every chance he gets to see me (which is usually late at night) So, for the 10 months we have been together i have had this built up animosity from all of the times he hasnt called, etc. also, we dont get to do much, we see each other often because he comes over late at night when he is done working (i cant go to his house becuase itis moldy and i have bad lungs - just a side note), but we never go see movies, out to dinner, etc. he just doesnt have time or energy. alll of these factors have gotten in teh way of me just falling madly in love with him and i wonder if i should just end it? I hold grudges so it is hard for me to let things go. but the big thing is that something inside of me is saying "you dont want this type of life." - with him working all the time and stuff like that. Also, i am a very deep and emotional person with a lot of "dark" problems and he just doesnt get that side of me. at all. i try to talk w/ him about things and he is so light hearted and just cant take them seriously. OK here is the kicker. I lived with roommates for the first about 8 months we were together- one was my best friends younger brother. he really really likes me and he "gets" me on that level that my boyfriend doesnt get. he would purposely watch tv shows that he knows i want to watch, he buys food that he knows i like, he does things for me without even mentioning it. he just does things that show loud and clear that he cares about me more than anybody else does. so i kinda fell for him but i didnt act on it because i had a boyfriend.. and recently we all moved out of that apartment, so now i dont live w/ him anymore, but we still talk. he is a very quiet person, but everything he does is to please me. he literally makes my heart melt because nobody has ever done those small things for me before, ever and he does it because he wants to. SO I AM SO CONFUSED. I really want to spend time with him. I love it. BUT i have a boyfriend. so do i ditch my boyfriend that is "totally in love with me" and go for the guy that makes me heart beat funny? I think i just answered my own question, but i need someone elses opinion. i have not spoken of this to anyone at all in my life. One more factor, my boyfriend is 5 years older than me, and the other guy is 8 years younger than me and not doing anything w/ his life... my one side not to that is i have NEVER cared about money, it means absolutely nothing in the end. i am fine making little money and struggling to get by as long as i have meaningful relationships - because that is what matters. that also helps to explain how i feel about my boyfriend and his constant work and the other guy and his kind heart just out to show me that he cares. im so upset, ive been thinking about this for months and just want it to all be over.

 
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Old 12-28-2008, 06:53 PM   #2
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Re: need help deciding ..... PLEASE read and help

I think you're right I think you did answer your own question. But it's possible that neither of these guys is right for you. I mean, you mention that this ex roommate, little brother of your friend is "doing nothing with his life." I'm not sure you would have even mentioned it if it didn't play some kind of factor in your life on some level.

I don't know you from Adam and you know you much better than I ever could, so please don't take offense, but I have to say, generally speaking, I always get very skeptical when a woman says she doesn't care about money. My older brother is the nicest guy you ever want to meet, but makes peanuts, and can't find a woman to date because of that. You need to make sure beyond any doubt that being with someone very unambitious and happy to be where he is won't bother you when all your friends are having beautiful weddings, moving into beautiful houses and driving "grown up" cars like SUVs and minivans and sedans, and dressing their kids in cute little clothes that you can't afford, and you are still single and still dating the same guy who's been at the same dead end low paying job for years and still living in a small apartment or wherever. Think that through before you commit to a life of not caring about money.

But you know, a man who works himself to death and never has any time for you and does nothing to make you feel loved or special, and a man who is sweet and caring but unabmitious and does nothing with his life, those aren't your only two options in life. Believe it or not, there are men out there who can have a good job and who can do something with their life and still find a balance and make time for a real relationship and treat you like a princess. Are you so sure you're ready to saddle yourself with one or the other extreme without even seeing what else might be out there for you?

 
Old 12-28-2008, 07:15 PM   #3
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Re: need help deciding ..... PLEASE read and help

I love reading LLM's responses. So smart she is.

I have one more question. Will the issues with the current boyfriend's business change anytime soon? What with the whole economic crunch right now, will he still be working 24/7 in another year? Or two years?

If his situation was clearly going to resolve itself in another 6 months to a year, I'd consider riding it out if there were feelings for him. See how he is when he's not being exhausted by life. But I doubt he will be any more free in 2 years than he is now. And if you need more than he can currently give you, it really would be best if you cut him loose whether you go to the other guy or not. You don't have to have another boyfriend lined up for the one you are with to just not be right for you.

 
Old 12-28-2008, 08:10 PM   #4
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Re: need help deciding ..... PLEASE read and help

it doesn't sound like you love your boyfriend, it sounds like you feel sorry for him because he loves you. Also how do you know he loves you so much if he never follow thru with plans to call or come over? Also agree with resolution, are these working hours going to resolve themselves somewhere down the line, or is he just a workaholic who will just work himself to the bone forever? Also I think in the beginning he was unreliable, not a liar and a cheater. You do know that right?

 
Old 12-29-2008, 07:54 AM   #5
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Re: need help deciding ..... PLEASE read and help

Actions speak louder than words so if this guy loves you like he says so---where do you see that he loves you with his actions? Nothing in your whole post ever mentions what he does for you or how he treats you well? All you mention is that he comes over late at night after working if he does not fall asleep first. Yeah, at some point, where is the actual relationship??? And this other guy you mention, you don't need to pick between either guy. If you are not happy with your boyfriend, end it. Don't waste your time with the wrong guy and pass up Mr. Right around the corner.

 
Old 12-29-2008, 06:31 PM   #6
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Re: need help deciding ..... PLEASE read and help

Thanks for all of your opinions. I really appreciate it. I just needed a few different view points. My boyfriend does love me and I do love him. He comes over and sees me every night - usually when he hasn't even been home yet and he calls me all the time and does try to stay awake to spend time with me, so he is definitely trying. WE had a long discussion last night and he just asked me to please be patient and things will change. Realistically he said he needs about 6 months. His business is good in the economy so luckily he is not hurting too badly. I am going to get the other guy off of my mind. He is a GOOD GUY so that is just alittle factor that makes it hard to push someone away..Honestly he is there for back up and I know that is wrong. I have never led him on - he has always known about my boyfriend and known that it will probably not change. I do put effort into my relationship with my boyrfriend too, i get him little things when im at the store because i think of him, i try to cook him dinner if its not too late, i initiate good conversations since that is the only way we can learn about each other. Usually you learn things about each other through experiencing things together and we just dont get to do many of those things quiet yet. I do want to give it a try. I think i am a little hesitant too because i am terrified of loving someone again. Of course everyone goes through heart break, and now that i am "all grown up" i would think that i am over it, but heart break really does effect you in the long run. it is surprising. thanks again for all of your advice. I'll see how this turns out

 
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