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Old 12-29-2008, 09:16 PM   #1
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What would you have done?

Hi Everyone. I am new to the board, but definately not new to relationship problems.

Most recently I found myself in a predictament and wasn't sure what I should do, now I'm not sure if I did the right thing.

About a month ago, my fiance's cousin who happens to be his best friend, came on to me after a night of drinking. My fiance had passed out and we were still up talking. Then his cousin tryed to kiss me. I told him he was drunk and needed to go to bed. He asked "so is that a no" I said it is and he said "can I atleast have a taste" I told him good night, he said "your a better person than me" I told him that he was just drunk he would be thankful in the morning that nothing happened.

The next morning he was gone before I got up. My fiance who has accused me of cheating in the past with his friends, automatically accused me of sleeping with his cousin, cause he found a towel by my bed (the towel was left there from when I took a shower because I was running late and didn't pick up after myself). I told him he was nuts and I never mentioned his cousin coming on to me.

The reasons I didn't say anything is because I have been accused in the past of doing things I did not do. Because I knew his cousin would deny it and I figured he would believe his cousin and because I figured everyone would think that I made it up because I am always being accused of being jealous of his cousin because my fiance will jump every time he calls. (his cousin is single and expects my fiance to hold his hand all day every day).

About a month of not saying anything, doing my best to avoid his cousin, and asking friends thier opinions, I finally told my fiance what happened.

Of course the cousin denied it. He came to my house screamin and yelling and calling me every horrible name in the book and kicked in my screen door. He even threatened my fiance that if he didn't believe him over me that he was going to kick his ***.

My fiance said he believed me. First he told me that he was glad that I told him, then he said that I shouldn't have told him since nothing came of it, then he went back to saying he was glad.

Over a month has past. My fiance has barely talked to his cousin. Tonight his name came up and my fiance screamed and yelled at me and told me that I was a piece of **** for telling him, since nothing happened and that if the tables were turned he would've never told me. I said so I'm a piece of **** for telling you, but your cousin is a saint for trying to get in my pants. He said he tryed to kiss you not get in your pants, don't make more of it than what it was. His cousin would have had sex with me that night if I would've let him, but that seems besides the point.

He said he believes me about what happened, but thinks I was trying to ruin thier friendship by telling him.


Through it all, his whole family has believed his cousin, and I have been labeled a horrible lying *****.


If I was trying to ruin thier friendship, why would I tell my fiance that his cousin never did anything inappropriate before that and nothing after that? Why would I tell him that I think his cousin was just drunk and didn't know what he was doing? Why did I not tell him about the whole "can I have a taste" comment?


I told because I thought my fiance had the right to know, but now I wonder if I should have just kept it to myself, because I feel like I am being punished for doing the right thing and his cousin that came on to me is being viewed as the poor victim.

So far, I think the only thing I should've done differently is told the next day, instead of taking so much time to decide what I should do. But, I'm not sure. I don't know if the way I am being treated or them not being friends is worth all of this.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do?

If you ever are in this situation what would you do?

Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

 
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Old 12-29-2008, 09:39 PM   #2
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Re: What would you have done?

Your fiance is whack. Sorry. But he is!!! You shouldn't have told him because nothing happened, and now he's mad at you because of something his cousin started. He should be mad at his cousin if anything, for coming onto you in the first place! What kind of world does your fiance live in that he would get mad at you for something that wasn't your fault?

Ok, so maybe it was better not to tell him. But you did and it is what it is. You felt it was the right thing to do, so it was the right thing for you. But I think this entire situation would never have happened if the cousin wouldn't have been a donkey behind in the first place. And I'm just floored that your fiance would constantly accuse you as if you were some kind of horrible person.

I hate to say it but he doesn't trust you. And if there's no trust in the relationship, you have nothing. It's time to re-evaluate whether you want to be saddled to a guy til death do you part before you take that vow, knowing that you're constantly going to have to be proving yourself to him, knowing full well you've not done anything wrong. To me, that sounds like a horrible life and I would choose being alone over being in that kind of marriage. The only thing you can do at this point is sit down with him and have a completely open and honest conversation about it. Lay it on the line. Tell him that you've never been unfaithful and you don't plan to be but you refuse to constantly have to reassure him of that, and furthermore if he keeps hassling you about it that you're done with him. That's what I'd do.

 
Old 12-29-2008, 09:43 PM   #3
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Re: What would you have done?

I'd be done with this guy.....let him have a relationship with his cousin.....

 
Old 12-29-2008, 10:15 PM   #4
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Re: What would you have done?

Thanks for the replies! It helps to get un baised opinions!

I knew if I told him it would be a nightmare, but I was afraid if I didn't and his cousin should want to clear his consciense some day, it would be more of a nightmare, because it would've looked like I was trying to hide something from him.


It really upsets me that he puts all the blame of him and his cousin not being friends anymore on me and not on his cousin, as I would've never had anything to tell, if his cousin wouldn't have put me in that position. But, he just doesn't seem to get that.

RoseQuartz, I have thought plenty of times that I should just let him go have a relationship with his cousin. And when his cousin meets a girl and doesn't have time for "f" (like he always does), "f" can find someone else to cry to.

You are right Waterslig, he doesn't trust me and he has admitted to me that it's nothing I did, it's because things his mother has done. Again, I get punished for other peoples actions...it gets old.

I gave him my ring back after he thought it was ok to tell me he was going to the bank at 4p and then never brought my car back or answered my phone calls, cause he went to the strip bar instead and spent the bill money and never came home till the next day at 10am.

I think he thinks, because I live states away from friends and family and have no job and 2 kids that I will continue to put up with anything he wants to do.

Plus, he has away of turning everything around and making it my fault, therefore I feel guilty.

But sooner or later, I will become a stronger person. I already know what I need to do, now it's just doing it...........

 
Old 12-30-2008, 04:53 AM   #5
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Re: What would you have done?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marci74 View Post

I gave him my ring back after he thought it was ok to tell me he was going to the bank at 4p and then never brought my car back or answered my phone calls, cause he went to the strip bar instead and spent the bill money and never came home till the next day at 10am.
.
Sounds to me it has less to do with what his mother has done, and a whole lot more to do with what he is doing. He's out cheating so he assumes you are, or constantly accuses you so you won't have time to accuse him.

This guy's whole family is very dysfunctional. I know he's your fiance and you've made a commitment and it's hard to break that commitment, but you will not be happy if you marry this guy and marry into this family.

 
Old 12-30-2008, 06:41 AM   #6
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Re: What would you have done?

Sounds a little as to what happen to me a few years ago, I was out with my g/f at a friends party and there was this girl there that kept making eye contact with me..I was a bit uncomfortable with it but I never said anything, as the night went on everyone ws geting more and more wild with the drinking ect,,ect,, well my g/f went to the rest room and this girl came up to me and started talking, somehow we walk out on the upper level and she got close to my face and started to kiss me passionately...she had this shinny lipstick on...and I kinda liked it ... sexy (the lip stick) but I told her to stop...I have a g/f and this is just wrong ect,,,ect,, she said so what you like it don't ya....duh!!!!
well we went back down and I got with my g/f...and I never told her what happen...until the next day...she was up-set with me but she said she was glad that I told her about it and she knew this other girl and knows what she was trying to do...but my point is your b/f should have told you the truth about how he feels with you, it always works a lot better when you have the trust and you know you do.
you can either forgive your b/f or move on with your life sometimes you never know what would have been if you don't give second chances?
I'm glad my g/f gave me a second chance..I was wrong I admit that but it happen so fast and the thing with me this other girl was turning me on.

 
Old 12-30-2008, 10:09 AM   #7
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Re: What would you have done?

This is going to be your life if you marry this man. Not only is he off the wall and abusive but his family is.

I'm sure you'll say you love him but love is not what this man is showing you. Find someone normal and get out. Run for the hills. He's going to tear you soul apart.

 
Old 12-30-2008, 10:44 AM   #8
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Re: What would you have done?

Yep, I am on the side of get out and get out now. No sense in waiting. You will never get the respect you deserve, and will always be treated as a second class citizen. Men like this, don't know or want to know how to treat a woman. Don't be one of those women who "put up with" this kind of behavior! Find a way to go home to your family!

Mileena

 
Old 01-04-2009, 03:12 PM   #9
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Re: What would you have done?

Thanks everyone for taking time to respond to my post. It's been very helpful to get insight from un-biased people.

Last edited by Marci74; 01-06-2009 at 01:21 PM.

 
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