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Old 12-31-2008, 06:39 AM   #1
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Question Need some advice......

Hi everyone, I am not sure about the relationship with my live-in boyfriend. We have been together for 2 yrs. and he is a wonderful guy. He is very caring and would do anything for me. The problem is that I am not physically attracted to him. I am 42 yrs old and been divorced 2 times. Neither of my husbands treated me the best, so when I met this guy he seemed so different and he is. I keep telling myself I should feel lucky to have someone who loves me and not to be so picky. But is that attitude just settling for someone? At my age the selection is starting to get slim. So I'm not sure whether to make the best of it or move on.

 
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Old 12-31-2008, 04:32 PM   #2
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Re: Need some advice......

From my personal experience I know that physical attraction can come with time even if it isn't there initially. The opposite is also true. Physical attraction which is initially there can disappear if the person you are attracted to doesn't treat you well. You say that you've been with your boyfriend for 2 years. Have you tried to spice up your relationship? Have you gone out to dinner and had nice dinners at home with lit candles? Have you taken trips together? If your bf is a nice man and treats you well, I don't see it as settling.

Last edited by negot; 12-31-2008 at 07:42 PM.

 
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Old 12-31-2008, 04:43 PM   #3
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Re: Need some advice......

If you love him then stay and if you don't love him then leave...I think you owe him that much! I don't believe that loving someone is about someone's looks. In my relationship, I'm married to a man that lived with this woman for 12 years and then she decides to come up with "You're not my type" after 12 years....was that fair or right?...Absolutely NOT!!!!! Just the thought of this woman's actions makes my blood boil!
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Last edited by BeaTrade; 12-31-2008 at 04:49 PM.

 
Old 12-31-2008, 04:51 PM   #4
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Re: Need some advice......

Quote:
Originally Posted by BeaTrade View Post
If you love him then stay and if you don't love him then leave...I think you owe him that much! I don't believe that loving someone is about someone's looks. In my relationship, I'm married to a man that lived with this woman for 12 years and then she decides to come up with "You're not my type" after 12 years....was that fair or right?...Absolutely NOT!!!!!
Haha that was pretty fired up I hope there's been no confrontations :P


I think the best thing you can do at the moment is weigh out the pros and cons of your relationship, and whether you'd be willing to take the risk of not finding anyone if you do decide to leave.

If the pros outweigh the cons, you could have a talk with him about, or decide for yourself, what you'd like from the relationship and try to fit them in.


Richy.

Last edited by Richyy; 12-31-2008 at 04:52 PM.

 
Old 12-31-2008, 06:06 PM   #5
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Re: Need some advice......

I have to go against the grain here a little bit. Of course being treated well and being with a man who loves you, is honest and forthright and decent and treats you well is important. But me personally, if you don't feel that spark, if there's no sexual chemistry or attraction, then you may as well just be best friends or roommates. That spark, that sexual chemistry, that melding of emotional intimacy that goes deeper than someone you're just friends with, someone you totally understand and who understands you, someone you never get tired of trying to understand better, is what makes the difference between a friend and a lover. If you want a lover as well as a good friend, then yes, I think you are settling, and it's not only unfair to you, it's unfair to him. If he's such a great guy, don't you think he deserves to be with a woman who can really love him passionately? Who finds him sexy and who will love making love with him? Someone who can be more than just a roommate or a best buddy to him?

I think there is so much more to loving and being loved by someone than just being willing to do anything for them or having them want to do anything for you. that's not being a good mate, that's just being a sycophant. There also needs to be shared values, similar world views, an understanding and respect for each other's emotional and mental make up, and yes, sexual/physical chemistry.

I'm 43, and I'm not telling you that you should be like me, but I can say that I don't intend on settling. I just can't. I NEED the whole package. Someone who eases my mind, stimulates my brain, warms my heart AND curls my toes. I will probably never find him, but that doesn't mean I'm prepared to force myself to settle for less than what I really want and need just because I'm getting older and "running out of time and can't afford to be too picky." You're talking about the person you will be sharing a bed with, someone who you will be sharing your finances and home with, someone who will be your closest family, who will take care of you when you're sick and who will look to you to take care of him if he should fall ill, AND someone who will look to you to satisfy the physical, sexual needs we all have. In my opinion, no where in your life should you be more picky than when you are choosing this person. I mean, how do you think he'd feel if he knew he was someone you're just trying to "make the best of" because you're getting older and it's slim pickin's out there? How would you feel if you loved someone and learned that's why they were with you?

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 12-31-2008 at 06:15 PM.

 
Old 12-31-2008, 08:25 PM   #6
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Re: Need some advice......

I'm curious as to how you'd be two years into a relationship only to suddenly realize there's no physical attraction? Why did you even date him in the first place if this is what's important to you?
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